It's been a while since I have posted, I realize that. I can't use the excuse that I don't have anything to write about because plenty has happened over the last week or so but I just haven't been in the mood to sit down and pour my soul out to the keyboard. Emotions have been up and they have been down. Christmas has come and it has gone just like that. I can't say I'm sad that the holiday craziness is almost over. I'll be glad to have my room back and some sort of normalcy in my life again once all the family leaves and hustle and bustle of the holiday aftermath ends.

So this post was to just tide you over until I get a moment to sit down and spend some time on a post. It was brought to my attention today that doing a post on relapse verses laps would be a good idea. So be looking for that in the near future.

I ask you to continue to join me in prayer for all of those in recovery for any form of addiction or disorder. I ask you to pray for the family members of those affected by loved ones who suffer and I ask you to pray for the friends that stand by through some tough stuff. I ask that you pray for strength to fill each individual who is having to face a demon continuously throughout the day. Pray that each of us will get on our knees every morning and every night and plead God to give us what we need to make it through the day and to carry us in the direction of progress. We need to strength of a Higher Power. It's that simple. I pray that in God's timing everyone will see that and begin surrendering to Him.

One more quick thing I want to say is about New Year Resolution's. I encourage you to keep your weight, exercise, appearance and physical body goals to yourself. Keep your diet and weight resolutions off of Facebook and Pinterest not only for the sake of those struggling with an eating disorder but for yourself. By announcing your weight goal to the world you are only fueling the flame of what social media has already done to our society. You (we) can be beautiful and successful in 2012 without setting unrealistic and unhealthy goals. And you can help others by not sharing your diet plans with others.

Hope you had a fabulous Christmas. Be good lovely friends. I'm posting a new poll and will go into more detail later down the road!

love.love.love

(I got a new camera so be ready for pictures galore!)

One of Satan's Many Disguises

I write tonight with a heavy heart. I have been in day treatment for four days now and find out tomorrow if insurance will approve another five days for me. I have found myself reliving my first few weeks in Denver with the overwhelming anxiety of eating actual meals throughout the day. It freaks me out to say the least. Rachel often asks me what it is that I'm afraid of about eating three meals during the day. I hesitate in answering because I know that deep down the answer is just so cliche with eating disorder patients but it is what I fear, weight gain. Now, I don't just fear weight gain because of the weight but because what I have attached to the meaning of "weight". I have created lies in my head about what will happen to me, my life, my relationships and my overall well being and those lies have led me down a path of destruction. It sorta goes back to The Gospel of Caitlan and the lies that Satan is feeding me and the lies that I am believing.

Y'all, Satan is so sneaky that I am continuously amazed at how he manages to blacken our hearts and minds. I sit in group and hear stories after stories of lies that have become truths in the minds of vulnerable girls, including myself. I hear cries of hopelessness and cries of hatred and then I hear quite voices whispering of wanting to give up. I see tears sliding down faces after welling up in eyelids for way to long, I see hands and silverware shacking during meal times and I see art work depicting broken hearts. It is so scary because I see Satan so much in treatment, I hear him not only in my head but in the voice and disguise of others eating disorders. I see him slowly taking away life from so many girls (including myself) and my heart just aches and aches for the chains that so strongly have tied us down.

I talk with Rachel about God quite often and am constantly reminded that God has already won the battle. He has already beat Satan and God only allows Satan so much room to breath and manipulate until He steps in and says "that is enough". It reminds me in Job when God tells Satan that he can't lay a hand on Job.

And the Lord said to Satan, "Behold, all that he has is in your hand. Only against him do not stretch out your hand." [Job 1:12]

I am God's child, I am HIS and I have to trust that He is going to intervene with the battles I have been facing with the devil. I have to trust that God is going to tell Satan to leave His daughter alone and to not lay a hand on her. I have to trust that God has my back and I have to trust that God is fighting for me, He is protecting me, my life and my heart. I have to trust that. I have to trust that He is sitting on the coach right next to me during treatment and He is protecting each one of us girls from Satan as he creeps his way into destroy and kill. I have to trust what I cannot see and I have to trust the silence sometimes. My prayer tonight as well as my prayer request is for strength in trusting in the Lord's plans and timing, not only for me but for the girls in treatment with me at Renfrew, the girls still in Denver, the girls and guys that are battling with eating disorders all around the world. Satan is disguising himself in the form of food, exercise, purging, guilt, shame and self harm. Pray for God's protection and for the strength to accept God's grace and perfect timing.

I am going to start a prayer list of people I know in recovery. Not just recovery from eating disorders but from anything. Please feel free to let me know (through email, Facebook, blog) if you would like to be added to the list or if you know of someone you would like to be prayed for. I would love to share the list with the consent of those on it so prayers can be multiplied and the power of God can be stronger than the grips of addiction.

Recovery Update

I began day treatment this morning. You are probably asking yourself, "is day treatment a step in the opposite direction than we want to moving in?" and yes, that would be correct. I spend eight weeks in a partial hospitalization program, then another eight weeks in an intensive outpatient program only to go in the reverse direction to the day program. Go figure. So I am now spending my time in treatment, five days a week from 9:ooam-2:00pm. It truly was a blessing from God for insurance to allow me anytime in a higher level of care so for that I am grateful. I will be spending the minimum of five days in day treatment and probably the max two weeks or until Christmas and then I'll go back down to IOP.

I am currently working on challenging the lies that I believe to be true. For example, I believe that by not eating or only eating small amounts of food with a lot of caffeine is going to give me MORE energy than if I were to eat a healthy amount of food each day. Obviously, this is a load of shit and anyone could see that BUT the problem is I have trained myself to believe this whole heartedly so my brain can now trick my stomach into thinking it's full and my mind into thinking I have loads of energy and adrenaline, only to find out that I will soon crash and burn.

I'm working on following my meal plan to the fullest. I have successfully done this on my own twice outside of treatment. My parents (along with many others I'm sure) just don't understand why it is so hard to follow a meal plan when everything I'm suppose to eat is laid out for me on paper. If you are wondering the same thing then I'll explain in another post on another day. But trust me, it is NOT easy.

God is sending me on a crazy ride let me tell you. I'm more lost than I think I've ever been. I'm lonely and full of guilt and shame and anger. I'm trusting and being obedient (especially by going into day treatment) but at the same time I'm doubting and questioning. I will for the rest of my life have a place in my heart for those in recovery from ANYTHING; food, drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, whatever. I know that when one is in recovery they feel everything but strong, confident and proud of themselves. Most are going to feel week, worthless and like a failure before seeing the benefits of recovery but for those who decide to feel like a failure on a daily basis in recovery are some of THE strongest people you will ever meet. I can promise you that. Because day in and day out of what feels like failing yourself eventually turns into a life more beautiful than one could ever imagine.

The stories, tears, lies and hope I hear and have heard through this journey are unreal. We live in such a dark world, with such a heaviness over us. From what I have heard recovery is possible, I haven't felt it completely yet but I am holding the hope in my heart that it is true. And until the day I feel it for myself I will continue to do what I need to do and in the mean time I will continue to encourage every person going through recovery themselves. We can't do it alone. We just can't. Jesus, support from friends and family and knowing that people do understand what you are going through is what will get each one of us to the other side. We will look in the mirror one day and be proud of the mountain we climbed and the view of the future because we did it. Because we recovered.

The Tree Stump

You know that saying that everyone hates but yet everyone says still? The one that goes like, "Honey, just surrender everything to the Lord. Give up the control and the burdens and give them to God, let Him guide you. You just go ahead and surrender it all." I think of Beth Moore saying this on her decorated stage with her petite high heals and big ole southern hair waving her finger around. Can I get an amen?! Yeah, you know what I'm talking about so don't deny it.

But back to that saying of surrendering it all to God. I agree with that statement so don't get me wrong but how on earth do you surrender everything to God?! I mean for real if someone has a definition or how-to on surrendering to God please let me know because I'm often at a loss for words when it comes to this. For starters, most of the time I don't even have the slightest clue of what to surrender. I imagine myself going up to a tree (symbolizing God of course) and putting down my scales, work out magazines and eating disorder journals and then walking away as I dust my hands clean of my (now) old sin. "Okay God I surrendered my "stuff" to you. Boom." If there was a buzzer for when I am incorrect or missing the mark it would go off right about NOW.

What does it mean to surrender yourself to the Lord? Honestly, what do you think it means? Is it dropping your sin items at a tree stump? Is it making a white flag and waving it frantically in the air (I've imagined this too)? Is it praying for God to erase your mind of all past mistakes, regrets and desires? How do we surrender our life to God, our thoughts to God and our control to God? This is why I get so angry at that statement because I never for the life of me know where to start. I've tried telling myself in the morning that I'm not going to struggle with food today or think about it all day, God take away the thoughts please. Five minutes later I'm thinking how to get out of breakfast…fail.

If I were to describe surrendering to the Lord and what that looks like for me personally this is what I would say:

Surrendering is not a one time thing. You don't walk up to a tree stump (or whatever) and literally lay down your sin at the feet/stump of the tree and you are forever free of your chains. Surrendering is a daily and constant thing. You choose to surrender when you choose to NOT do what your flesh is telling you to do. You choose to drink water instead of a beer because you know what one beer leads to…that's surrender. You choose to eat breakfast to the full extent of your meal plan AND keep it down….that is surrendering. You make a mistake and use a symptom of some kind whatever that may be but you stop, get on your knees ask for forgiveness and strength to say no to the next urge that comes along…that my friends is surrender. Doing the opposite of what your sin is telling you to do is surrendering! Doing what your flesh doesn't want to do is surrendering!

Ever since leaving Denver back in October I had the mind set that I would be back in Austin asap. My eating disorder was so loud and so strong and saying, "Caitlan, you do what you need to do while you're in Plano. You impress your treatment team and your parents and then the second you get back to Austin we'll team up again and do what we do best and you will be so happy and successful." Of course I believed this and still do to be honest so I refused to consider any other options that I had for life. I was fighting the Lord in where He wanted me to be and y'all it is exhausting. Stubbornness against the Lord is not only tiring but impossible because He will get you where He wants you one way or another. I started think clearly again about a week ago, the first time I was thinking rationally since leaving Denver.

I have made the decision to not return to Austin in the spring. That is what my flesh wants to do, my eating disorder wants me in Austin and satan wants me in Austin and if those things want me in Austin then that means the Lord does NOT want me there. While I love Austin, love Phi Lamb, love the city and the people and the churches and the love that is spreading all over the place, my eating disorder loves it for different reasons and putting myself back in that environment would be probably the most idiotic move I could make. Do I want to go back to Austin and graduate with a degree from THE University of Texas? Of course I do but right now what's more important is that I get better so I can SURVIVE to get a degree at all. I will be transferring to a school here in Dallas and establishing a life here while I finish my undergrad. I have closed the door to Austin but have not locked it, just closed it for now. I plan on moving into an apartment within the next few months and living out recovery in a new environment and with a fresh start and in a place that my eating disorder does not want to be but the Lord DOES want me to be.

That is surrendering in my eyes. Doing the thing you don't want to do for the life of you. I believe that once you choose to do what God wants you to do you will feel a small amount of weight lifted off of your shoulders because you have left some of your sin at the the tree stump aka feet of Jesus. We are constantly going back to His feet to drop things off so next time you hear the saying "surrender it all to God" maybe switch it something less intimidating like, "Let's start the journey of surrendering by making a choice today that Satan does not want us to make and we'll take it one day at a time. Surrendering a little at a time for the rest of our lives."

I would by NO means call myself a photographer but I sure do like to pretend I am. Maybe one day…

Enjoy :)

The Gospel According to…Caitlan!?

If I were to have a book in the Bible it would more than likely be placed after John because of course my book would be an edition to the other four books relating to the gospel. People would probably be very confused once they started reading it because well, after reading the correct stories of Jesus Christ they would then come across the Gospel of Caitlan and low and behold their worlds would be forever rocked and any sense of understanding and comfort would come crashing down on all sides of them.

Good thing I am FINALLY starting to come face to face with the fact that I have (over the years mind you) created a false gospel in my head. I would have never realized this if someone hadn't blatantly told me straight up. "Caitlan, your interpretation and ideas surrounding the gospel are wrong. They are not accurate, they are not Truth, they are lies and you are believing those lies" -Rachel aka Jesus loving therapist.

Now, of course I could sit there and tell her the entire story of Jesus Christ out of memory and habit but obviously THAT gospel doesn't pertain to me but it pertains to everyone else on this earth but Caitlan. This is when Rachel chimes in with how I am not THAT special to be the only person to have their own special made up story about Jesus, God and eternal life and everlasting love.

Dang.

So in result of this tweaked Gospel that I have created for myself and myself alone I have decided to start studying the Gospel, the real one. I am personally going through the book of Matthew with some recommended reference books as well as listening to the Stone's most recent series over the book of Mark. Good timing? Coincidence? Jesus? I am challenging myself to challenge myself with diving into Truth and praying that God will shed light on the areas that I have swapped for lies from the devil himself. I pray that God will slowly help me to allow myself to let go of the comfort of "my gospel" and grasp onto Truth and Truth alone.

Now I write this without fear of people automatically assuming that I am some "fake" rando Christian who was misinterpreting the gospel for something way out in left field. Because I truly believe that each one of us in our own ways have sorta changed the "rules" for ourselves only but not for anyone else.

"God does give grace to everybody for their sins but He won't give me grace unless I am perfect."

"Others don't have to earn God's love but if I don't serve 100 hours at the church then He won't love me."

"God has to punish me for my sin because that's what I deserve but don't worry He won't punish you because He loves you and cares for you with His whole heart and you have already been poured with grace and have been made pure."

Sound familiar? Stop for a second today and ask God to reveal to you the gospel that YOU are believing. And friends, I'm gonna go ahead and tell you what Rachel told me. You are not THAT special to have your own rules set aside just for you. We are all equal in God's eyes, therefore we all have the same guidelines, boundaries and Truth to live by.

love.love.love

Cait

PS thanks for FINALLY voting! I plan on trashing the CD cases asap :)

---------> VOTE!

Do y'all see that poll over to the right of this post? I am in desperate need of some advice puuhhleeassee! I have tons of old CD cases that I've either lost the CD for it or have it in a CD holder for storing purposes in my car. Are these going to be important one day or what? I'm trying to clear stuff out of my room that I don't use and now I have a giganto box sitting in the middle of the floor. I'm counting on you people. Do work and vote.

Thank you kindly :)

Spiritually Broken but Saved by His Grace

Ohh sweet friends of mine. Where do I even begin? I mean for real I have no idea. So much has been going on and yet at the same time it seems like NOTHING has been going on. The days are short and the weeks are long. My emotions are at an all time high and my motivation at an all time low. I have unfortunately dug myself into a terrible hole once again and I am desperately trying to climb my way out of it but my arms and legs are tired so half the time I end up just sitting in the dark, filthy hole. Party, huh? Don't worry I'm not inviting anyone to this party because let me tell you, you don't want to be in this hole,ever. I think I sorta realized something yesterday as I was sitting in my therapists office. In all of my years of counseling I have not once had biblical counseling. Not once. I mean yes, I've talked about my relationship (or lack there of) with God and shared my beliefs but never has a counselor or therapist openly discussed what grace is, what the gospel is and the fact that I am so deep in my sin that I can hardly see or hear the Truth that is spoken in the Bible or from God Himself.

I am spiritually broken. Spiritually depressed and spiritually confused. While in Denver I was able to work on my eating disorder in huge strides and was able to feel confidence in coming home with things under control. But in the eight weeks in Denver I never once truly dug down deep to the darkest corners of my heart to search the lies that I have been telling myself for years. The lies that I still believed and the lies that would soon emerge again because they were not taken care of. I believe I have found another root of my eating disorder; the spiritual lies Satan has been feeding me and that I have been clinging on to so tightly. I thank God for blessing me with Rachel, my Renfrew therapist, who is such a strong biblical counselor. Although, there are probably more times than not that I hate her and want her to just shut up and side with my and my eating disorder, she won't do it. She believes in submitting everything to the creator of the universe, she believes that my heart can be changed to hate my sin verses loving it and she believes in grace and mercy. She believes that we are all sinners but that is were the gospel comes into play, she reminds weekly to challenge my beliefs with Truth. She believes in healing from the inside out, from the deepest, darkest parts of the heart.

What a breath of fresh air.

I am struggling. I'll admit it. As Rachel reminds me constantly, I am in love with my sin and I am not letting go of it. So I ask you to join me in prayer this week to ask God to make me hate my sin, hate my eating disorder and hate the lies that Satan is feeding me. I need to hate my sin and that will only come from a change of heart and for that to happen I need God and I need the power of prayer.

Like I could actually stop blogging publicly. Good lord I am so scattered brained. I am going to goodwill today to drop of some old picture frames, since NO ONE on Craigslist wanted them. Rude. I'm hoping to come across some neat-o furniture/crafty items that need some revamping because I am basically dying of boredom here in good ole Plano, Texas. I'll keep you posted on what's to come after my adventure to shmelly Goodwill :)

See this? This makes me happy. I miss coffee shop dates, terribly.

love.love.love

"That's too vogue for my front porch!" -Mom

Good morning faithful friends. While I have several things I want to chit-chat about my time is limited so I am going to put a few topics on the "wait for your turn" shelf and give y'all a break from reading. I did my first craft yesterday since being home from ERC and it was so fabulous! It was a simple craft but I still was on cloud nine the entire afternoon and into the night as I proudly pushed my dad out the front door to see the new and improved vogue pumpkins!

Here is the non-vogue pumpkin pre-glitter. Of course, I pick the windiest day possible to spray paint so in result I am still peeling glitter off my fingers and arms AND our front walkway has a nice dust of glitter on it ;)

This was the glitter "blast" I used and I was actually highly disappointed in it. The glitter wasn't coming out at the same time as the non glitter spray paint (if that's what you call it) and then the can would decide it wanted to spray glitter so it would start spraying FULL blast chunks of glitter. It was a mess to keep it short. But I managed to make one pumpkin turn out decent. The other one looks a little splotchy and sad but I put him on the front porch still because he needs to know he is just as beautiful as the other pumpkin!

Here is my pride and joy! He came out the best.

As you can see Splotchy over there isn't as glitter-fied as Baby on the left but I think he doesn't look too too bad. Maybe today I'll take him back into the operating room for some touch ups!

"They're Popping Up Like Daisy's"

Well, howdy their friends of mine. I realize that it has been quite some time since a post so no need to point it out. I found my heart so full of anger these past five to seven days. I believe a lot of the anger was my eating disorder surfacing after a long slumber of hibernation while being away from home. You now in the movie Mulan when the dragon is in the mountain fighting the bad guys/soldiers? And Mulan and little dragon think that they have killed the bad guys by covering them up with the snow…but soon they start popping up from the ground and little dragon guy yells to Mulan, "They're popping up like daisy's!" That is how I picture my eating disorder, popping up like daisy's or maybe in this case weeds. Now when I say this I don't mean I have gone full blown back into symptoms but I am in an environment where my ed would like nothing more than to act on behaviors and when someone tells the eating disorder no they are in for a rude awaking because whelp they have waken the grizzly bear. In result of the support and accountability and conviction that I have been receiving over these few weeks of being home my eating disorder has retaliated with hatred and anger towards anyone and everyone in my way. Unfortunately, the majority of the time that would be my parents and bless their hearts for having to sit through the hail storm and wrath of Caitlan's angry eating disorder. Maybe send a few prayers up for them to the big man upstairs :)

I spent the weekend in Austin and it was pure joy. What a refreshing weekend it was getting to spend so much quality time with my gorgeous friends and loving family. It was a reminder from God that I have not been replaced nor forgotten and although things in my life have changed that doesn't mean friendships have to change either, unless it's for the better. I was able to attend Austin Stone on Sunday with my sister and it was SO SO SO good. Y'all God has just been blowing my mind away to unreal heights. I'm not going to sit here and try to summarize the sermon because it was so good that I think you need to hear it for yourself. I have a lot I want to say about it and a lot I want to share with you about what God's teaching me and revealing to me but I'm going to put that on hold for now. I pray that you take the time to listen to this sermon. Don't let it freak you out but just give it a chance. I have hyperlinked it to the post at the bottom so all you have to do is click on it and then click play. Listen to it in increments if you think that will be easier for you. I just felt this tugging on my heart through the entire service on Sunday morning to post it on my blog. I don't know if the tug was for a specific person to hear the message or just to give someone the curiosity about what a sermon may sound like but I am going to be obedient to this heart tug.

Listen to it. Don't listen to it. Either way I love you and won't judge you for it nor will I know if you listened to it or not but of course, would love to hear from you if you do decide to play it. I am going to do some more blogging tomorrow night or Wednesday about what God showed me through the sermon but in the mean time I am going to be spending some much needed time with Jesus and my Bible. I've been slacking and it's been coming out in the form of an angry bear and a soldier popping up like a daisy.

Be good. Stay sweet and happy listening.

love.love.love

The Temptation of Christ

Post Request

I was told to put up a new post. People are starting to get a little pushy and I am just not so sure how I feel about that.

Just kidding. I don't mind :) It makes me feel good about myself to be honest. So for this new post that was requested I have no idea what I want to chat about. What do you want to chat about? What do you want to know? I'll tell ya if you tell me what you would like to read about. Feedback people, feedback. We've already had this talk so lets not have to repeat now, okay?

• We shall whip the bullets out then because that way we can cover a lot of ground without having to go into great detail for each bullet.
• The transition from Denver to Plano has been tough. The transition from ERC to Renfrew has been even tougher. I miss my girls, I miss my treatment team and I miss having food prepared for me at the exact same time everyday.
• I just (and literally just half an hour ago) got an interview for Michaels Arts and Crafts. Yep, never thought I would get a job there but I like crafts and I like earning money so it works.
• I've been thinking hard core about who gets into heaven and who doesn't in this world. You hear so many different things from so many different people and denominations and religions that it really gets your head spinning. My conclusion is I'll leave it up to the Big Man upstairs. He probably knows what He's doing so no need to go stepping on His toes, huh?
• I am currently obsessed with the TV series Friday Night Lights. I've almost finished the first season and am in the process of getting me the second season. Screw moving up North I'm moving myself to a small town as North as I can while staying as South as I can. So basically the pan handle. That's a pretty good compromise I think.
• I'm coming to Austin this weekend and couldn't be more excited! Let me let YOU in on a few secrets just in case you happen to run across me and if you don't well, pay attention anyway….try your hardest to refrain from coming up to me and saying, "You look so healthy!" Healthy = fat in my eyes and in the eyes of anyone who was just forced to gain weight. If you say it I won't hate you, I promise but maybe say something like, "I'm so excited to see your face!" or "You look so beautiful (not good)". Make sense? Also, please know that just because someone was at a residential treatment program and has returned home doesn't make them "cured" or "recovered". Technically, I am not even in recovery yet. I'm stable not recovered. Once I am able to religiously follow my meal plan consistently that's when I'll be in recovery. One of my biggest fears is people thinking that I'm 100% better just from leaving Denver and while I wish that were the case, it's not. I'm in the vulnerable stage currently, very vulnerable so please respect that. Don't respect me but anyone you know going through ANY type of recovery. Respect them and where they are in their journey. I'm probably a little more open than most people about what I'm going through but honestly, I just want to be treated normally. You can ask me questions about Denver but you don't have to. I'm the same Caitlan but with just a little more energy and little more on fire for God. I would rather you notice the "health" in my spirit and in my eyes than in my physical body.
• Okay that last bullet went into a lot of detail and I probably could have done my post on that but whatever. I'm not changing it all now. I love you all. Be good and be safe. If you have questions or concerns or comments then leave them! You can be anonymous if you wish. Also, join my team for the NEDA walk! It will be a party!
• One more thing…I'm in the beginning faces of writing a book. Ideas or suggestions of how the heck to go about getting a book published please enlighten me. I'll buy you coffee, maybe even two.

love.love.love

The F Word

Fabulous friends! I write to you from the comfort of my home in Plano, Texas. I am in the transitioning phase of new environments, new people, new treatment teams and new connections. I did everything I could to stay in Denver a little bit longer but the treatment team said I was ready to fly from the nest. So I am now in a new nest far from Denver, far from ERC and far from all of my wonderful girls who are still chugging along back at program. I miss them terribly.

My plan was for this to be some deep post about my last few days at treatment yadda yadda but it's super early and to be honest I'm just not in a deep sorta mood. So we shall talk about the F word instead…

There are many different F words that have been mentioned over the course of the past two months. The first and foremost one is of course f*ck. I quickly learned in my first seven days in Denver that the usage of foul language is normal and not exactly "foul" anymore. But for some reason I wasn't too bothered by this. Yes, I did do my share of correcting or "smiting" if you will but as the weeks went on my sailors mouth began to expand in vocabulary. I give myself and anyone else in treatment the permission to use the occasional bad word, except occasional is probably an understatement. So I give/gave myself permission to let the words flow as I felt needed during emotional outbursts, tough meals and anger towards treatment teams and plans. Now, my improper language stopped at the F word. This has always been a word that I haven't said because it sounds dirty and bad and foul. So of course, because I've made it such a big deal over the course of time I have a really hard time at using it when appropriate and necessary. The last two weeks at ERC meal time was spent practicing using the F word. My ultimate goal was to walk across the street to the football fields and yell it at the top of my lungs over and over again to release anger. Although, this never happened I did get a little better at saying it. What first started out as a whisper turned into a stronger more powerful statement. Yet no one was able to really take me seriously or at least too seriously.

One sweet friend of mine told me at my goodbye on Tuesday that she was sending me off with the three F words. I was certain she was going to send me with f*ck since I had been practicing so hard but instead she sent me with; flexibility, faith and football. Okay, these are good words I will admit and they sound a lot prettier than THE f word. But this did not and has not stopped my determination to freely and without guilt express the f word.

I show up on Thursday night to The Renfrew Center in Dallas were I will be doing my intensive outpatient program and find out that one of the rules is they don't say the three f words. In my head I think doubtfully she means flexibility, faith and football. But she continues her speech and my worst fears are confirmed; "we don't allow the words fat, fine and THE infamous F word".

Fuck.

Jesus Has Left Me Speechless

Sweet friends! It has been quite some time since I have posted on here and for that I apologize but the days are long and the weeks are short and somewhere in the midst of treatment I lose track of blog posts. I write to you today with a full heart and smile spread wide across my face. I am an complete awe of the God we serve, total and complete awe of our Mighty King. It kills me that the feelings I have experienced and the lessons God has been revealing to me almost seem impossible to put into words. I want so badly to be able to verbalize this overwhelming sense of peace and joy to you but words don't even come close to describing this sensation.

What I want to say right now and what I want each of you to hear is this; Scripture is Truth. God is Truth and His promises are Truth. Finding Jesus and learning to let go of your strongholds, chains and addictions is not easy or pretty and it doesn't happen over night. There will be tears, yelling, doubting and fighting. Things will seem to get worse before they get better. You will question how a God who is so loving and caring can put anyone through such torturous and dark days. You will find yourself crying out at night for Him to save you from such pain that you are feeling in the pit of your stomach and for Him to take away the thoughts that are engulfing your mind every second of every day. How can this be what it looks like to follow God? How come He has forgotten His own child in the midst of a dark dark valley?

Because He loves you. Oh how He loves you.

He loves you so very much that He is going to do what it takes to strip you clean of your sin and of your idols. You will suffer but not because God is angry with you but because He wants you to follow Him, to listen to Him and to give yourself to Him and Him alone. Scripture tells us we will suffer but it also tells us we will be called out of darkness and into light.

"…although now for a little while you may have to suffer through various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith, more precious than gold that is perishable even though tested by fire, may prove to be for praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." 1 Peter 1:6-7

"But you are ' a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people of his own so that you may announce the praises' of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." 1 Peter 2:9

We are told to spend our life not fixated on the worldly desires but on the will of God. The journey that gets us to the feet of Jesus looks different for everybody but suffering is unavoidable. Do not let Satan convince you that your suffering is because God has given up on you and has left you to crumble in despair. Put your trust in Truth and His promises. We will suffer for a little while but because of our faith and hope in the unseen we will be greeted by the most beautiful light there is to see. The light of Jesus Christ embracing us in His arms because we have finally found our way out of the valley of death and into the peace of the Holy Spirit.

Blame it on the Tofu

Tofu made me cry last night. The stupid tofu in my stupid tofu wrap had the nerve to open the flood gates while I was STILL at the dinner table. I mean it's one thing when you're crying at the table outside of a treatment center but totally different when you are in a recovery center, for eating disorders none the less!

Several things happen when you start crying at the table:

1.) You get a lot of attention drawn to you, most of it unwanted attention.

2.) When asked what's wrong you have to be really cautious about what you say because you have to be considerate of the fact that the other girls at the table are responsible for finishing the same food that you are sobbing over. By saying the wrong thing you can send others into a tale spin of negativity towards the food as well.

3.) You can't leave the table. If you leave the table without permission you will be followed by an MC or staff. If you ask to leave the table you will be A.) wasting precious time that should be spent finishing your meal. B.) more than likely followed by a staff or MC still.

4.) Time is still ticking. Whether it's a 15 minute snack or a 35 minute meal. Time doesn't stop for you and your melt down.

5.) If you don't finish your meal boost is still a must. Which means more tears while attempting to drink some thick choclatey supplement. Yum!

More than likely the tears are not really from the food or tofu in my case last night. Us eating disorder folks are real good at taking our emotions out on the food. Hence why we are in treatment. It's a way of coping, a way of turning the attention off of the real hurt and the real emotion. We choose to be blind to the fact that there is something that is rooted deep down in us and by doing so we have to have something to keep our thoughts away from those roots. In my case and so many others food is the innocent victim that gets the blame. Food can't talk back, it doesn't yell at you no matter what and you can't hurt it's feelings. It's the best punching bag, so it seems.

Something I've learned while being here that I'm going to pass along to you is this: if you find yourself getting angry at food, blaming the food for your emotions or crying over tofu, fake chicken or egg salad ( don't think I've cried over those or anything ;) take a step back and ask yourself what's really going on. Because I can guarantee you that there is probably a little something going on besides the tofu sticking it's tongue out at you.

And remember….this is all coming from the girl who is in treatment for placing the blame on the food. Trust me :)

God is on His Toes!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For ALL of the prayers that you have been so graciously sending to the Big Man upstairs. As my last post was all about how insurance was screwy and I was being kicked out of ERC because they no longer were going to help financially; I now have updated news. By the grace of God I have been allotted time until October 5th to continue treatment and practice here in Denver! Man, God answered that one fast. It was almost as if He was testing me to see how willing I would be to leave Denver early. Who knows!? But for whatever reason God has me here for another ten-ish days and I couldn't be more grateful. Thank you for the prayers and support and encouragement. I couldn't be more blessed to have such an incredible support system from all over. So disregard my last post because the ERC has me until October 5th and I for that I am forever grateful! Thank you Jesus! You are good!

And He Spoke Loud and Clear

Friends! Let me tell you something…if you don't think God is listening to your prayers you better watch yourself because He is listening and He is not afraid to pounce on those out cries. The last week or so I have been bombarded with my treatment team talking with me about what my aftercare program is going to look like. I've started working on a weekly meal plan of meals and recipes, finishing my self-assessment (aka my story), writing my wellness plan for when I go home, calling treatment centers in Dallas and just mentally getting ready to peace out of here. Can you say hello anxiety? I immediately started praying and asking God to show me what He wants me to do, where He wants me to go. Do I go home to Dallas for a few months to be in a stable environment or do I go back to Austin where all of my friends and everything are? I said, "God, show me and make it clear. I will do what you want me to do."

Welp, God answered in a crisp and clear way yesterday afternoon. During my session with Mikki yesterday I was in the middle of a freak out when she told me it was probably a good time to have this conversation. "This conversation" being insurance has decided to put a halt to supporting me financially while in Denver. Apparently, my treatment team has been fighting with insurance to get them to extend my stay for a little longer but this was a no go. They will be covering me through Tuesday and then I'll be kicked to the curb.

Of course, this is not ideal. Mikki told me that the team would have liked to keep me for another 2-3 weeks until they would discharge me but I guess God has a little something different in mind.

So until Tuesday I will be busy with getting things ready for my return to Texas. As of now the plan is to stay in Dallas through the rest of this year. I will be doing an intensive outpatient program at the Renfrew Center close to home. It will be a three days a week program for four hours each day. I also plan on doing some road tripping to Austin to start working with my team there as well as see all of my fabulous friends! I'll keep you updated as Tuesday gets closer. Thank you again for all of your love, prayers and support over these last six weeks. They mean more to me than you will ever know. God is so good and I do trust that He is taking me from Denver for a reason. Do I know why? Of course not but I'm eager to find out!

love.love.love

Soul Surfing

Today completes my fifth week of being here in Denver. While I was meeting with Doctor King this morning I asked for a timeline, discharge date, number of weeks left or ANYTHING so I could just get an idea of how much longer I have here. His response, "Oh you'll be home before Christmas". Great, thanks Dr. King. He told me to just keep doing what I can, taking it a day at a time, practicing and paying attention. I need to continuously remind myself that "yes, I can do it" and instead of saying "I can't do it or I can't eat that meal" I should say, "I think that meal is scary/frightening/daunting but I CAN still do it".

I experienced an emotion explosion yesterday. My emotions actually didn't explode until I got back to my apartment but they were building up all day long. What triggered the emotion switch I find a little odd but after sleeping on it and thinking through things it isn't actually that strange. Red Box is my newest friend and yesterday we got to experience watching Soul Surfer together. I have been wanting to watch it for quite some time but just never got around to it. As the movie started I could feel my heart starting to beat faster, my hands starting to sweat and my my entire body getting tense. I kept asking other girls who had already seen it when she was going to get her arm bit off because I was literally so anxious for it to happen and to see the scene. Y'all it was the strangest thing I was dreading for the scene to happen because for some reason I thought if the scene never came than all of the shots and scenes at the beginning of the movie of her as a little girl and her surfing wouldn't be ruined and forever changed. I wanted "Bethany" to continue living her life of normalcy, joy and love. I felt so much for her that I could hardly sit through the first part of the movie because I knew her world was about to be forever rocked.

When I finally managed to make it to the scene of her accident I felt the tears welling up and my chest getting tight and was suddenly hit with the realization of why I was being so strangely impacted by this movie and this story. Soul Surfer is such a parallel to the life of my sweet cousin JD and his siblings and parents. The parallels start flashing through my head of before the accident, when the accident happened, getting the phone calls, rushing to the hospital and praying with all of our might that God would save this sweet boy from dying. Bethany's parents in the movie reminded me so much of my aunt and uncle; their trust in the Lord and their willingness to do whatever it took to get their child healthy. Yes, things were no longer 'normal' for Bethany after she lost her arm but then again what is normal? Who defines what normal looks like and sounds like? Who has the right to say a person with two arms is normal verses a girl with one arm? Mrs. Hamilton stated in response to normalcy was that it is overrated. It is overrated. I don't believe in normal so much anymore because when we think our lives are normal than I believe we are comfortable and we weren't placed in this world to be comfortable. Dr. King tells me all the time that if I feel comfortable while I'm, here than I wouldn't be making progress. I didn't choose to come to treatment to be comfortable for two months but rather to sit through discomfort and experience how ugly recovery is. Will recovery and treatment get me back to a 'normal' life? I hope not. What I do hope is that I will discover a normal relationship with food and eating and I hope that recovery will lead me to a life of adventures, fun and true living. JD and his family's life looks different now than it did three years ago but does that make it abnormal? No. It makes it exciting and different. It helps them learn to live a day at a time, to get on their knees and cry out to God and to use what is an uncomfortable situation to bring glory to God's name.

My prayer for you as well as myself today is that you allow yourself to accept abnormal. Stop striving for a normal life, normal clothes, normal job or a normal family because in the end you will only be disappointed. Handle situations as they come and go with the flow of things. Be flexible. Don't judge your life to the "definition" of normal. Trust that God is doing what He wills for you and be gracious that there is a King who has your back day and night. We don't have to worry about normalcy when we have faith and a promise of eternal life in a perfect place with the Creator of all things. We are made perfect in HIS image and to me that sounds a whole heck of a lot better than just being normal.

Future Tripping

Sweet sweet friends of mine. It is currently 4:22pm here in Denver on Friday afternoon. I write this post with the comfort of prayers and support surrounding me on all sides. I cannot even begin to express the gratitude I have for each and every one of you. God has blessed me beyond words with the most loving and accepting friends and family that I could ever ask for. I am speechless and wish I could say more than just thank you, it doesn't seem even close to enough. Please know that in return I am in constant prayer for each one of you, for God to return the blessings He's pouring on me through you back onto each one of your lives. I pray that you see the glory of God in your day to day life and see the benefits of carrying the burden of a sister in Christ. Community, I am slowly learning, travels with you no matter how far you may be and for that I am thankful.

The end of my fifth week is getting closer and closer. I am in absolute shock how quickly time is going. It's as if I no longer have a sense of time, almost like God has removed that ticking clock from my brain. Without the constant brain clock and alarm going off I have found that time is not an issue while I am here. Every so often the voices will creep back in and remind me that I need to hurry up and finish so I can get back to Austin, get back to work, get back to church, get back to making money and get back to school asap. But then there is this overwhelming sense of peace and a gentle whisper telling me to slow down and be still. This whisper then reminds me that I have time to take for myself and I need to take advantage of it. I need to be in the now, the present and remind myself that all of those "things" that I "need to get back to" are part of the reason I am here in Denver today. I don't need to get back to anything, I need to trust that God is going to keep me where I need to be for however long I need to be there and then when it's time to "go back" I can go back to something different and new. There are no rules that say I have to go back to what life looked like before, I will have a new start, a clear mind and a God that will place me exactly where I am suppose to be.

A girl in my process group calls it Future Tripping, when you start over analyzing the future and causing anxiety when really all you need to do is focus on the now because really, that's all we have, the now. This particular girl who coined the term Future Tripping is being discharged after about sixteen long weeks of treatment and is planning a trip to Europe for just herself. She is learning to live, to truly live and man it just brings tears to my eyes. Before treatment she was flooding herself with this and that and in the midst of it all forgot that there was a little girl in there that was suffocating and needed air for herself and no one else. She's breathing now and what a beautiful sight it is. She is ready to make up for the lost time that was taken by her eating disorder but the beautiful thing is she took her time in treatment and now she has all the time and much more to experience life, truly experience it.

There have been quite a few good things that have happened over the last week or two. I will share those with you to encourage you that God is good and faithful. Enjoy your weekend lovelies and try not to future trip because God want's us in the now, not the past and not the future but the now.

1.) I, on my own, ordered a fully loaded coffee drink at Starbucks. Fully loaded meaning: A hazelnut soy latte, NO non fat milk and NO sugar free syrup and I survived.

2.) I, on my own, purchased a NON diet coke aka a cherry coke. Once again I lived through this.

3.) The other morning I put on a pair of sweatpants that I had just purchased at Victoria's Secret (on sale half off I'll add) that felt just a smudge too tight. Now, in reality they fit me perfectly and were probably not anywhere close to being too tight BUT when you struggle with body image you tend to change clothes in the morning…a lot. But this morning I chose to keep the pants on even if I felt a little bit larger in them. And guess what? I survived, yes and even got several compliments with them.

4.) I moved up to level three yesterday! This means I no longer have to sit at the meal tables with a staff member. I can join the cooking groups and go on the outings to challenge restaurants and meals. I will also get to practice portioning everyday at lunch.

5.) Next week is family days and one of the break out groups for the family members is a panel of current erc patients to be questioned by the family members. Staff and treatment teams are the ones who choose to be part of the panel and I found out Thursday at my staffing meeting that they want me to do it!! Super pumped about it :)

God's been good that's for sure. While this past week has been super encouraging I know that there will still be days of challenge but for now I will continue to live in the moment and the now and tuck away these successful days in the back of my mind to whip out when needed. Alright friends, be good and stay sweet.

love.love.love

Longhorn Football and Blogging

Good evening and Hook’em Horns! It is currently 7:00pm here in Denver, which means it is 8:00pm in Austin, Texas. Half time just ended in the UT vs. BYU game and we are losing. But that is okay I have complete and total faith in my Horns and am just excited to be able to see those beautiful burnt orange jersey’s on the TV screen. To all of my fabulous fans sitting in the senior section under the jumbo tron…I’m watching for ya! This post will consist of a few short stories/topics. My goal: keep it short, sweet and simple.

A Surprise Visitor

I received a text message earlier in the week, I think it was Wednesday, from one of my favorite people ever Mamma Hoop! (Texas just scored a touchdown 13-10 J) For those of you who don’t know Mamma Hoop she is also known as Mary Elizabeth’s mother, Mrs. Hooper ALSO known as my best friends mother whom I’ve known since I was in first grade. Her text message reads as follows:

Hey Caitlan Mamma Hoop here- - I’m flying to Denver today and gonna drop off a little “I’m thinking of YOU” bag at the front desk!! I know you have a very busy schedule- - I’ll prob be there around 2:30ish- - if for any reason you have break around that time I’d love to see you for one minute to hug your neck!!

Well of course I made time to see her! And let me tell you how unbelievably fabulous that hug was. Just having someone from home that is a familiar and comfortable face was a gift from God. As I started to cry into her arms as she just encouraged me with Truth and love I could feel the strength being blown back into me by God through Mrs. Hooper. I couldn’t be more thankful for such a surprise gift from someone whom I care so deeply about and in return has poured so much love and Jesus into me.

Aveda Institute

On Thursday night I went out on a pass with two other girls. We went to 16^th street which is basically a street mall with restaurants and a lot of crazy fun people. It sorta reminds me of Austin and The Drag, ESPECIALLY because I got stopped by the “save the children and the world” campaign people. And I thought they never left the corner of San Antonio Street and 24^th ;) But anyway there is an Aveda Institute on 16^th so we went and treated ourselves to an inexpensive haircut. I figured I deserved a trim and it felt super nice to get out of program and into the streets of the real world. We had a dinner challenge which went well. It’s always challenging being away from program and getting meals on your own. You’re held accountable for getting the proper amount of food and exchanges that your personal meal plan requires as well as not restricting. They don’t call it a dinner challenge for nothing that’s for sure! But we all survived and had a really nice evening out on the town.

The Flood Gates Have Opened

Friday was not a good day on many levels. I have mentioned before in a post about the rollercoaster ride called, Recovery and the ups and downs of the process. Well, I hit a low on Friday and was pretty close to booking a flight and coming home. Body image has been a struggle, I have been given another meal increase that starts tomorrow, I’ve found clothes fitting differently and part of me is just flat out tired of working so dang hard. I haven’t actually cried in program since I’ve been here. I’ve had a few tears by myself but for the most part I’ve managed to swallow any tears or breakdowns. Well, yesterday in process group I managed to open up the flood gates. It went a little something like this:

Mikki: Caitlan, how are you doing? What would you like to process in group today?

Me: (pauses for a few seconds) I’m not doing okay, I’ll be honest. (Voice cracks and tears start welling) I am not going to cry. I’m not going to do it. (I’m officially crying). I can’t cry (as I’m crying).

So yeah it felt god to get some of those built up tears out but there is still a lot of anger that I haven’t released. But I’m working on it and for now Mikki and my treatment team is pleased that I am starting to feel emotions and that I’m allowing them to show and be visible to others. They tell me I can’t be perfect all the time and I can’t hold it together all the time. I’m trying to prove them wrong but it’s not going so well ;)

Italiano Street Fair

We went on an outing today to a street fair which was a lot of fun! Of course there were tons of people and tons of food so anxiety was high but I managed it well and did enjoy myself. We had a choice of bringing a snack from the ERC or we could challenge ourselves to buy something at the fair. Well, I chose to pack mine and stay safe but after processing the outing with the group and the mc’s I have decided that from now on I will no longer bring a snack with me to an outing. These outings are for us to practice being “normal” and learning how to buy a snack when you are out with other people and don’t have a yogurt and cliff bar with you. I need to learn how to be okay buying a gelato or a biscotti and enjoy it and not think twice about it. So I’ll keep you posted on how that goes.

Last Few Things

My roommates and I were talking the other day about how different treatment for eating disorders are from other chemical and substance addictions. Now don’t get me wrong an addiction of any kind is going to be a REAL challenge and won’t come easy. But you in order to keep yourself alive you have to eat and if you struggle with drugs or alcohol you have to learn how to remove it from your life. You can’t remove food from your life. We’ve tried that…it doesn’t work. So to the point of this my roommate told this metaphor that makes total sense.

Recovering from a drug/alcohol/etc. addiction is like putting a tiger in a cage and leaving it there. Recovering from an eating disorder is like putting it in a cage and taking it out six times a day for a walk.

The third quarter just finished. We’re losing 16-10. Lame.

I leave you with another funny story from an individual recovering from an eating disorder. Enjoy J (names changed for confidentiality)

This scene takes place after dinner. Our group is sitting in the Woodmansse room processing our meal, how we’re feeling, successes and intents for the night. We normally go around a circle when it comes to sharing. And just as an fyi…fat is not a feeling. I’ve learned this but I don’t necessarily agree with it.

Bridget: Your turn Mia. How are you feeling?

Mia( a grown woman who is extremely intelligent and dedicated to recovery. She works hard and takes each day seriously but every so often she slips in a statement that brings a smile to everyone’s faces): How am I feeling? Like I’m about to give birth to triplets. (said with a straight face)

Much love my little ones. If you have sent me mail I love you and WILL/AM writing you back! If you are in Phi Lamb I miss you and miss meetings and miss your loving community. If you are my sister than be good and do the Salerno name proud.

Good Stuff Right Here

Can I just take a post to say that God is totally rocking my socks off? I mean for real He is truly amazing me. I just finished listening to The Stone's sermon series on the DNA of the church and man my mind was just blown away. In result of those few sermons I am now taking my quite times to study the book of Acts and the disciples as they listened to the call to go out and spread the good news of Jesus Christ. Those twelve were just so dang in love with Jesus and so obedient to His calling! I get goosebumps every time I read a verse that talks about the numbers of believers and followers increasing. I've been missing my community of Jesus loving believers but at the same time I can feel that God wants me here, in Denver and at this treatment center. My prayer has been for Him to work through me and shine through me and what joy that has brought to my days. I truly believe I am doing what God wants me to do for myself and for Him. I believe I am where He wants me to be and yes, at times it sucks and I want to go home but gosh He has been good you guys. So good. He is doing some crazy things and nothing could make me happier than bringing glory to His name.

Matt Carter grabbed my attention during the sermon I was listening to today when he talked about God having us leave the church to place us where He wants us to serve Him. I would say that God placed me about as far away from my comfort zone as He could and I am far from the church and from my sense of community. But He has been faithful and He is still guiding me every step of the way. Y'all God is good. His timing is excellent and His plans are beyond what we could ever imagine. Trust Him. Trust Him with your entire heart. He will not fail you.

"But many of those who heard the word came to believe and the number of men grew to about five thousand." - Acts 4:4