Spiritually Broken but Saved by His Grace

Ohh sweet friends of mine. Where do I even begin? I mean for real I have no idea. So much has been going on and yet at the same time it seems like NOTHING has been going on. The days are short and the weeks are long. My emotions are at an all time high and my motivation at an all time low. I have unfortunately dug myself into a terrible hole once again and I am desperately trying to climb my way out of it but my arms and legs are tired so half the time I end up just sitting in the dark, filthy hole. Party, huh? Don't worry I'm not inviting anyone to this party because let me tell you, you don't want to be in this hole,ever. I think I sorta realized something yesterday as I was sitting in my therapists office. In all of my years of counseling I have not once had biblical counseling. Not once. I mean yes, I've talked about my relationship (or lack there of) with God and shared my beliefs but never has a counselor or therapist openly discussed what grace is, what the gospel is and the fact that I am so deep in my sin that I can hardly see or hear the Truth that is spoken in the Bible or from God Himself.

I am spiritually broken. Spiritually depressed and spiritually confused. While in Denver I was able to work on my eating disorder in huge strides and was able to feel confidence in coming home with things under control. But in the eight weeks in Denver I never once truly dug down deep to the darkest corners of my heart to search the lies that I have been telling myself for years. The lies that I still believed and the lies that would soon emerge again because they were not taken care of. I believe I have found another root of my eating disorder; the spiritual lies Satan has been feeding me and that I have been clinging on to so tightly. I thank God for blessing me with Rachel, my Renfrew therapist, who is such a strong biblical counselor. Although, there are probably more times than not that I hate her and want her to just shut up and side with my and my eating disorder, she won't do it. She believes in submitting everything to the creator of the universe, she believes that my heart can be changed to hate my sin verses loving it and she believes in grace and mercy. She believes that we are all sinners but that is were the gospel comes into play, she reminds weekly to challenge my beliefs with Truth. She believes in healing from the inside out, from the deepest, darkest parts of the heart.

What a breath of fresh air.

I am struggling. I'll admit it. As Rachel reminds me constantly, I am in love with my sin and I am not letting go of it. So I ask you to join me in prayer this week to ask God to make me hate my sin, hate my eating disorder and hate the lies that Satan is feeding me. I need to hate my sin and that will only come from a change of heart and for that to happen I need God and I need the power of prayer.