Recovery Update

I began day treatment this morning. You are probably asking yourself, "is day treatment a step in the opposite direction than we want to moving in?" and yes, that would be correct. I spend eight weeks in a partial hospitalization program, then another eight weeks in an intensive outpatient program only to go in the reverse direction to the day program. Go figure. So I am now spending my time in treatment, five days a week from 9:ooam-2:00pm. It truly was a blessing from God for insurance to allow me anytime in a higher level of care so for that I am grateful. I will be spending the minimum of five days in day treatment and probably the max two weeks or until Christmas and then I'll go back down to IOP.

I am currently working on challenging the lies that I believe to be true. For example, I believe that by not eating or only eating small amounts of food with a lot of caffeine is going to give me MORE energy than if I were to eat a healthy amount of food each day. Obviously, this is a load of shit and anyone could see that BUT the problem is I have trained myself to believe this whole heartedly so my brain can now trick my stomach into thinking it's full and my mind into thinking I have loads of energy and adrenaline, only to find out that I will soon crash and burn.

I'm working on following my meal plan to the fullest. I have successfully done this on my own twice outside of treatment. My parents (along with many others I'm sure) just don't understand why it is so hard to follow a meal plan when everything I'm suppose to eat is laid out for me on paper. If you are wondering the same thing then I'll explain in another post on another day. But trust me, it is NOT easy.

God is sending me on a crazy ride let me tell you. I'm more lost than I think I've ever been. I'm lonely and full of guilt and shame and anger. I'm trusting and being obedient (especially by going into day treatment) but at the same time I'm doubting and questioning. I will for the rest of my life have a place in my heart for those in recovery from ANYTHING; food, drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, whatever. I know that when one is in recovery they feel everything but strong, confident and proud of themselves. Most are going to feel week, worthless and like a failure before seeing the benefits of recovery but for those who decide to feel like a failure on a daily basis in recovery are some of THE strongest people you will ever meet. I can promise you that. Because day in and day out of what feels like failing yourself eventually turns into a life more beautiful than one could ever imagine.

The stories, tears, lies and hope I hear and have heard through this journey are unreal. We live in such a dark world, with such a heaviness over us. From what I have heard recovery is possible, I haven't felt it completely yet but I am holding the hope in my heart that it is true. And until the day I feel it for myself I will continue to do what I need to do and in the mean time I will continue to encourage every person going through recovery themselves. We can't do it alone. We just can't. Jesus, support from friends and family and knowing that people do understand what you are going through is what will get each one of us to the other side. We will look in the mirror one day and be proud of the mountain we climbed and the view of the future because we did it. Because we recovered.