One of Satan's Many Disguises

I write tonight with a heavy heart. I have been in day treatment for four days now and find out tomorrow if insurance will approve another five days for me. I have found myself reliving my first few weeks in Denver with the overwhelming anxiety of eating actual meals throughout the day. It freaks me out to say the least. Rachel often asks me what it is that I'm afraid of about eating three meals during the day. I hesitate in answering because I know that deep down the answer is just so cliche with eating disorder patients but it is what I fear, weight gain. Now, I don't just fear weight gain because of the weight but because what I have attached to the meaning of "weight". I have created lies in my head about what will happen to me, my life, my relationships and my overall well being and those lies have led me down a path of destruction. It sorta goes back to The Gospel of Caitlan and the lies that Satan is feeding me and the lies that I am believing.

Y'all, Satan is so sneaky that I am continuously amazed at how he manages to blacken our hearts and minds. I sit in group and hear stories after stories of lies that have become truths in the minds of vulnerable girls, including myself. I hear cries of hopelessness and cries of hatred and then I hear quite voices whispering of wanting to give up. I see tears sliding down faces after welling up in eyelids for way to long, I see hands and silverware shacking during meal times and I see art work depicting broken hearts. It is so scary because I see Satan so much in treatment, I hear him not only in my head but in the voice and disguise of others eating disorders. I see him slowly taking away life from so many girls (including myself) and my heart just aches and aches for the chains that so strongly have tied us down.

I talk with Rachel about God quite often and am constantly reminded that God has already won the battle. He has already beat Satan and God only allows Satan so much room to breath and manipulate until He steps in and says "that is enough". It reminds me in Job when God tells Satan that he can't lay a hand on Job.

And the Lord said to Satan, "Behold, all that he has is in your hand. Only against him do not stretch out your hand." [Job 1:12]

I am God's child, I am HIS and I have to trust that He is going to intervene with the battles I have been facing with the devil. I have to trust that God is going to tell Satan to leave His daughter alone and to not lay a hand on her. I have to trust that God has my back and I have to trust that God is fighting for me, He is protecting me, my life and my heart. I have to trust that. I have to trust that He is sitting on the coach right next to me during treatment and He is protecting each one of us girls from Satan as he creeps his way into destroy and kill. I have to trust what I cannot see and I have to trust the silence sometimes. My prayer tonight as well as my prayer request is for strength in trusting in the Lord's plans and timing, not only for me but for the girls in treatment with me at Renfrew, the girls still in Denver, the girls and guys that are battling with eating disorders all around the world. Satan is disguising himself in the form of food, exercise, purging, guilt, shame and self harm. Pray for God's protection and for the strength to accept God's grace and perfect timing.

I am going to start a prayer list of people I know in recovery. Not just recovery from eating disorders but from anything. Please feel free to let me know (through email, Facebook, blog) if you would like to be added to the list or if you know of someone you would like to be prayed for. I would love to share the list with the consent of those on it so prayers can be multiplied and the power of God can be stronger than the grips of addiction.