Blame it on the Tofu

Tofu made me cry last night. The stupid tofu in my stupid tofu wrap had the nerve to open the flood gates while I was STILL at the dinner table. I mean it's one thing when you're crying at the table outside of a treatment center but totally different when you are in a recovery center, for eating disorders none the less!

Several things happen when you start crying at the table:

1.) You get a lot of attention drawn to you, most of it unwanted attention.

2.) When asked what's wrong you have to be really cautious about what you say because you have to be considerate of the fact that the other girls at the table are responsible for finishing the same food that you are sobbing over. By saying the wrong thing you can send others into a tale spin of negativity towards the food as well.

3.) You can't leave the table. If you leave the table without permission you will be followed by an MC or staff. If you ask to leave the table you will be A.) wasting precious time that should be spent finishing your meal. B.) more than likely followed by a staff or MC still.

4.) Time is still ticking. Whether it's a 15 minute snack or a 35 minute meal. Time doesn't stop for you and your melt down.

5.) If you don't finish your meal boost is still a must. Which means more tears while attempting to drink some thick choclatey supplement. Yum!

More than likely the tears are not really from the food or tofu in my case last night. Us eating disorder folks are real good at taking our emotions out on the food. Hence why we are in treatment. It's a way of coping, a way of turning the attention off of the real hurt and the real emotion. We choose to be blind to the fact that there is something that is rooted deep down in us and by doing so we have to have something to keep our thoughts away from those roots. In my case and so many others food is the innocent victim that gets the blame. Food can't talk back, it doesn't yell at you no matter what and you can't hurt it's feelings. It's the best punching bag, so it seems.

Something I've learned while being here that I'm going to pass along to you is this: if you find yourself getting angry at food, blaming the food for your emotions or crying over tofu, fake chicken or egg salad ( don't think I've cried over those or anything ;) take a step back and ask yourself what's really going on. Because I can guarantee you that there is probably a little something going on besides the tofu sticking it's tongue out at you.

And remember….this is all coming from the girl who is in treatment for placing the blame on the food. Trust me :)