Just kidding. I don't mind :) It makes me feel good about myself to be honest. So for this new post that was requested I have no idea what I want to chat about. What do you want to chat about? What do you want to know? I'll tell ya if you tell me what you would like to read about. Feedback people, feedback. We've already had this talk so lets not have to repeat now, okay?
- We shall whip the bullets out then because that way we can cover a lot of ground without having to go into great detail for each bullet.
- The transition from Denver to Plano has been tough. The transition from ERC to Renfrew has been even tougher. I miss my girls, I miss my treatment team and I miss having food prepared for me at the exact same time everyday.
- I just (and literally just half an hour ago) got an interview for Michaels Arts and Crafts. Yep, never thought I would get a job there but I like crafts and I like earning money so it works.
- I've been thinking hard core about who gets into heaven and who doesn't in this world. You hear so many different things from so many different people and denominations and religions that it really gets your head spinning. My conclusion is I'll leave it up to the Big Man upstairs. He probably knows what He's doing so no need to go stepping on His toes, huh?
- I am currently obsessed with the TV series Friday Night Lights. I've almost finished the first season and am in the process of getting me the second season. Screw moving up North I'm moving myself to a small town as North as I can while staying as South as I can. So basically the pan handle. That's a pretty good compromise I think.
- I'm coming to Austin this weekend and couldn't be more excited! Let me let YOU in on a few secrets just in case you happen to run across me and if you don't well, pay attention anyway….try your hardest to refrain from coming up to me and saying, "You look so healthy!" Healthy = fat in my eyes and in the eyes of anyone who was just forced to gain weight. If you say it I won't hate you, I promise but maybe say something like, "I'm so excited to see your face!" or "You look so beautiful (not good)". Make sense? Also, please know that just because someone was at a residential treatment program and has returned home doesn't make them "cured" or "recovered". Technically, I am not even in recovery yet. I'm stable not recovered. Once I am able to religiously follow my meal plan consistently that's when I'll be in recovery. One of my biggest fears is people thinking that I'm 100% better just from leaving Denver and while I wish that were the case, it's not. I'm in the vulnerable stage currently, very vulnerable so please respect that. Don't respect me but anyone you know going through ANY type of recovery. Respect them and where they are in their journey. I'm probably a little more open than most people about what I'm going through but honestly, I just want to be treated normally. You can ask me questions about Denver but you don't have to. I'm the same Caitlan but with just a little more energy and little more on fire for God. I would rather you notice the "health" in my spirit and in my eyes than in my physical body.
- Okay that last bullet went into a lot of detail and I probably could have done my post on that but whatever. I'm not changing it all now. I love you all. Be good and be safe. If you have questions or concerns or comments then leave them! You can be anonymous if you wish. Also, join my team for the NEDA walk! It will be a party!
- One more thing…I'm in the beginning faces of writing a book. Ideas or suggestions of how the heck to go about getting a book published please enlighten me. I'll buy you coffee, maybe even two.
love.love.love
1 comment:
So, I have been writing you a few more messages than are showing up, and I think I'm getting too impatient and closing the window after hitting "enter" and before doing the captcha... Whoops. So I may be repeating myself here but hopefully not.
Of course this process is different for everyone, but I remember how overwhelming it is to make a major step back into "normal life" from the bubble of a treatment center. It can feel really daunting. I felt like the most reluctant recovering person ever, every time. The way it went for me, though, was: treatment got me to a place where I could recognize, "Okay, there might be things out there worth doing this for, and maybe I can actually do this." Then, gradually, I was able to see that family and a real relationship couldn't co-exist the way I wanted them to with an e/d, and that those things actually WERE more important to me. Then, I got a job and realized, "I can't do this unless I'm at least mostly healthy." And I really wanted/needed that job, so that became more important too. And then of course I got pregnant and had a child, and that became hands down the most important thing in my life. And really, it still makes me sad that I have all these grown-up responsibilities, but I just can't do them the way I need to if I'm sick, and rationally I know they are way more important. Rationally, I know that I need to be healthy for my husband and my daughter, and to stay stuck in a "I wanna be skinnnnny!" mindset is ridiculous for me at this point. And the eating habits I slowly formed over the years have become the new normal and all I really have to do is keep up the status quo, which honestly, is easier than all the relearning that I had/you have to do first.
Plus, I am still facebook friends with many girls with whom I was in treatment. And the ones that can move on, have relationships, degrees, jobs, and are inspiring people. The ones that don't are still stuck in the exact same rut they were several years ago - and I don't just mean in their relationship with food. I mean in life, maturity, emotionally, in their personal relationships, everything. Over the long term, I've been able to see how it's totally true - if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten. There is truly only one way out of this, and it's through it.
And you're clearly, obviously, so much better than it. It's so clear from your writing that you have SO much to offer the world if you can shake this thing free. Truly.
And I hope the treatment team is working out okay for you in Dallas. Remember, no program is perfect for everyone. You can only take what you can use, and don't feel guilty about leaving the rest. I'm not condoning a bad attitude :P but use them for what you can and what you need, and if you don't subscribe to everything they're saying 100%, that's okay. It's okay to have a mind of your own and know that something doesn't work for you. I *loved* my therapist because she would play hardball with me. A good friend of mine saw her too and hated her because she needed someone more loving and affirming. We're both doing well today.
Hang in there, and I'm thinking of you!
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