Sweetly Broken Has Moved

To all my followers of Sweetly Broken. We are no longer living at this location anymore. I have started fresh, clean slate, new blog, new life and new recovery….

If only life were that easy, huh? New blog = new life. Love it :)

But for real, there is a new blog for new posts. I will keep Sweetly Broken up and running for people to come and read whenever they would like to but there will not be new posts on this site. I have posted a link for you at the bottom of this page that will send you to our new home. At least I hope you will find it just as homey as Sweetly Broken has been for me.

You, my faithful friends, mean more to me than you will ever know. Keep in touch, don't be strangers and as always remember how loved you are.

lovelovelove,
Caitlan

NEW BLOG: CHART THAT

My Off Centered Camera Shot

As I was watching X-Factor this evening and totally becoming more obsessed with Demi Lovato, I couldn't help but envy those who can sing. I don't envy them because they have the ability to open there mouth and produce beauty but because they are going after their dreams with ambition and it is noticeable and a tangible dream. You watch the TV and hear their stories with dramatic music playing in the background with an off centered shot of their face with tears streaming down and I can't help but want that. I already have the tears but I want to get to a point where I can say, "I did it. I am here because I fought hard to be here and I'm going after my dreams and everyone here today can see that." I catch myself day dreaming about what type of background music would go with my story, my tears and my heart felt emotions and love for my dreams. Just as my fantasy feels even more real it is interrupted with the voice of Addiction, Failure and Self Doubt. Soon my moment is just a shattered dream with little hope for it becoming a reality. My tears then fall silently, while the sound of Pandora drowns out in the background.

I had a post written a few days ago, Sunday to be exact. It was a "women power hear me roar" kinda post. I never actually published it to my blog because it wasn't going to mean anything until my conversation with my parents happened and was as successful as I had hoped. You can probably guess what happened since the post never appeared and I am in the process of creating a new blog. The support that I was so desperately wanting and needing was shot down. Deep down I think I knew that this was going to be their response and yet it burned just as badly as every other time I have come to them for support. We view treatment differently. We view recovery different and because of this we will never see eye to eye on certain things. My parents say they know what is best for me, rather me knowing what is best for me. They call the shots, which is fair I guess, considering it's their insurance and money. But when your support says no to something you feel you need  the knife digs in deep in your heart.

My drafted post was a positive one, one saying how I was ready to recover and take that next step. My next step was squashed, leaving me even more alone then before. I will no longer try to seek out my parents help when considering treatment options because it only proves the eating disorder voice is right and my rational voice is wrong. So the new next step is for me to move out. I have looked at an apartment complex and will continue searching with the goal of moving out early November. My heart is heavy tonight because my dreams have turned into a jumble of a mess and I can't picture my background song and story being shared with an off centered camera shot. I can't picture anything outside of my own little prison I have created for myself.

So until next time. I will keep moving forward, me myself and I. I will smile at work, during the day, to strangers and make it through the day, no matter the weight on my shoulders. And I will continue to seek out my dreams, my God and my want for recovery.

Peace Out August!

Happy last day of August! Boy, have I been wanting to say that since June 1st! For my longterm readers you know very well that I don't do heat or the summer and for my newer followers this is some what of a trend that you will begin to notice. September = fall. Point blank. I love fall. Everything about it; the colors, the smells, the cooler weather (as cool as Texas can get), the pumpkin spiced lattes and the clothes….oh the clothes and scarves!

So peace out August!

While I would LOVE to sit here and say how fabulous August was, I just can't do that. It was a rough month, both emotionally and spiritually and if we're being honest physically. I was tested in a lot of ways and I'm not so sure how I measured up to those tests. As past posts have stated my treatment team is in shambles, I've been hurt by people I trusted and called support and dang, I just feel defeated in the recovery home-front! But we're trucking forward into September and whatever it may bring I'll be ready for it. I'm pretty good at taking a day at a time, if I've learned ONE thing over this past year it has been learning to take a day at a time. Cliche, yes but oh so true.

On a brighter note there has been some good milestones for me on the "life" home-front. I successfully held a full time job for one month! I never actually posted about this but at the end of July I was offered a full time position at Michaels as the Lead Sales Specialist (which along with the increase of hours was a pay increase…hello apartment!). It has been great! I love it. The days and weeks are exhausting but rewarding all at the same time. It was an answered prayer when I was offered the position and a really nice pat on the back. Probably the first time I can say that I felt like I was going somewhere in my "life" part of life (not necessarily the recovery part of life. make sense?).

My artistic side is taking a pretty hefty launch which just fills my heart with joy! Photography and crafting and now the selling of Scentsy have all been awesome time fillers for me as well as something I've grown passionate about. Every so often I catch myself questioning whether or not this is just my eating disorder trying to sneak in by keeping me SO busy that I run myself into the ground. But for now I'm enjoying it, doing what I can, when I can and not letting ed take that joy away.

I will be enjoying the next three days off of work. Much needed I will add. Therefore, stay tuned for (hopefully) a few more posts from me. I have lots to chat about and get off my mind. As for some resources and news that may be helpful for some then check out the links below!

Eating Disorder HOPE Newsletter

Fort Worth, Texas NEDA Walk on October 27th: I'll be having a team (more than likely) so stay tuned for more info!

lovelovelove,
Cait


email me!

I have never been in a long term dating relationship. The closest people to my heart are my friends and my family and yet while I love them dearly I don't always pour out my deepest hurts and fears and vulnerabilities. I have several friends who have gotten married over the past two years and I have friends who are in serious relationships and the one thing I hear on a consistent basis is how they know everything about one another. They tell each other everything about their past, their currents state and their hopes and dreams for the future. They pour out their soul to one another, let each other into the darkest corners of their heart and still after all that they find love and comfort in one another.

Like I said, I have never been in a long term or serious relationship in the dating aspect but I have felt that same sense of closeness with my treatment teams over the years. Over the last four years I have had a total of five different therapists and five different dietitians. Each time the transition from one to the next has been painful, lonely and grueling. You pour out your heart to one therapist, you trust them with all that you have and you pray to God that they will love you and take care of you. A therapist is a safe haven, a neutral zone and someone who is on YOUR side, not your addictions side, not your parents side but on YOUR side and YOUR best interest's side. They know your secrets and don't share it with others, they don't judge you, they listen to you, they genuinely listen to you and they are willing to do what it takes to get you to where you need to be.

Trust is a struggle for most individuals, so opening up on such a non shallow level is incredibly difficult, especially when you feel as if past treatment team members have let you down in the past. During my stay at Renfrew I had a therapist and a dietitian leave Renfrew to go to their own practice. I was devastated, broken, angry and confused. Those were the two people who were going to be there for me and just like that they pack up their office and leave me to feel the hurt and pain while they go on to further their career. I still hold resentment for them leaving and still thinking about it makes my eyes fill up with tears. Before their departure they both promised me that they would continue to be there for me throughout my journey via email and phone. This quickly faded after they started in their new offices. My heart broke even more.

Abandonment by the people I trusted with some heavy stuff is/was the only thing I felt in my heart. I have been out of Renfrew since May and I am STILL having a ridiculously hard time adjusting to a new treatment team. The feeling of being kicked to the curb is an understatement. I adored my Renfrew treatment team (the second one). I trusted them, after a few rough weeks, I listened to them and I felt comfortable around them. Then you leave Renfrew and your "team" for outpatient that is supposedly set up for you is nothing but a few phone numbers. Just like that you feel abandoned again. My therapist at Renfrew has done a tremendous job at staying in touch with me when I reach out to her but my dietitian on the other hand has hurt my heart in the same way my original Renfrew team did. My cries for help almost feel as if they were ignored, read over or disregarded. Any walls that had been broken down while I worked with her are now right back up, protecting myself from being hurt again by another set of treatment teams.

I understand when people say that they can't put their heart through another relationship after one just ended. I get that. My walls are up with my current therapist because I'm afraid to let her in because I don't know if she is going to leave me hanging, I don't know if she is going to let me down. I don't know if she will abandon me too. I had to "break up" with my new dietitian yesterday because her experience with weight gain and maintenance was far smaller than her experience with weight loss. I'm not stuck without a dietitian again and honestly I don't know if I can put myself through another assessment, another relationship builder because I'm already feeling so broken. It took me years to be able to open up 100% to a therapist and in just the last year I feel as if I am nothing but a dollar sign for some. Not all my treatment team members but some. It makes me question outpatient treatment. It makes me want to fend for myself all the way, no help from anyone because who can I trust to stick with me all the way?

This wasn't an advice post or encouraging post but rather a raw and honest venting post. If you have been through treatment and therapy of ANY kind then you will understand this post. And if you have never set foot into a therapists office you may think I'm going insane but don't judge me until you've walked in my shoes.  

There is too much to say for me to stop blogging. I have allowed negative opinions and reactions to my blog to become larger and more powerful than my own ambition to write out my story. So I'm back and ready to be honest, truthful, raw and stronger than the critics that may come along the way of this journey. I was told through a message on Facebook that one individual was making the step into recovery. As usual it was a surprise for me to read this and when I responded with the offer to be an ear to talk to and how awesome of a choice she was making she mentioned my blog as a big part of her choice in taking the leap. That was it, enough for me to realize that the selfishness of me stopping my blog to avoid the discomfort it may cause me is far less important than someone reading my thoughts and experiences and it having an impact on their life.

There is far more power in writing than I ever realized until I stopped writing. So here I am. Back. I can't say it's gonna be pretty but it's gonna be the truth and it is going to be genuine. I am going to make a promise to all my readers and followers that I will post at least twice a week, I won't hold back and I will continue to walk this journey of life each step of the way with those who feel compelled to follow.

With SO much love,
Cait

Neither In or Out

I spent the better half of Sunday afternoon out in the heat with one of my best friends, Carolyn. While normally I only step out of the A/C in the summer is when I'm walking to and from my car and laying by the beach or pool with a drink that isn't just lemonade, this time was a little different. We were walking up and down the streets and ally's of a neighborhood by Wells Elementary in search of Janice Klein, a missing woman from Plano. As we walked from door to door with our missing flyer handouts and speech ready to go we (well, really only me) were greeted with mosquitos rather than the faces of the homeowners. After going to 12 different houses with only 2 of those opening the door we switched up our game plan and began just walking the streets and using our eyes verses our words. This seemed to work better, not that we found her or anything but we felt more productive than basically ding-dong-ditching the neighbors.

As Carolyn walked up the right side of a street and I walked the left side we casually kept a conversation going on and off. When we weren't walking up in between two houses and looking behind a bushy tree and taking giant gulps of our water bottles we discussed and attempted to figure out where Janice could be, how we felt there was more going on than what the police were telling us and we even went as far to conclude that there was no way she could have made it from her house ALL the way over to the neighborhood we were in without her getting hit by a car. A little more silence and bush searching when I recalled a post that someone had posted on the facebook group page.

"You know what I find to be really comforting in all of this? I mean as comforting as you can be when someone is missing?"

"What?"

"While we are dripping sweat and searching in between houses along with thousands of other volunteers looking for this woman, God knows exactly where she is. He can see her from Heaven and hasn't taken His eyes off of her."

"Yeah, you're right. That is comforting, really comforting."

God knew where she was. In a huge came of marco polo or hide and seek God would (and did) beat each and every one of us at the search because He has an eagle's eye view of the playing area. He watched Janice as she left her backyard and wondered around until she ended up at the DFW airport 60 hours later. Almost as if we are a Gameboy that is playing Pac Man and God is watching us on the screen. Now, I don't say these things to excuse searching for a missing woman or any missing person but the second I realized and acknowledged that God was staring down on Janice I couldn't help but take a huge sigh of relief that wherever she may have been, God knew and He is far more greater than I am.

I can't remember exactly what night it was but somewhere between Sunday night and Tuesday night that I was reminded of this, that God knew where Janice was, He knew.

My praying is still not so consistent and very rocky but there have been two nights that I poured my heart out to Him. Both times were in the shower, I don't really know why, maybe because if I start crying I don't have to notice because water is already running down my face or maybe because no one can hear me when I'm in the shower. But both times were in the shower nonetheless.

Both times I was talking to God I was angry, confused, pissed off and hurt. I kept saying over and over again, "WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT ME TO DO? WHAT AM I MISSING? WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO GO? WHAT DO I DO? WHAT IS IT?!!' I'm pretty sure those were the only few sentences that came out of my mouth. As tears poured down my face along with the water from the shower head I was reaching out for God to tell me what to do and I told Him that I would do it, whatever it may be! I wanted to hear from Him so badly, at that moment in time I was literally yearning for God to speak to me.

[Just a small side note, this blog has been written over a course of at least 5-7 days. I'm hoping I finish it up this time.]

The second time I found myself with crocodile tears I was caught off guard. I can't remember off the top of my head what it was that caused them or what was going on that day but I was once again crying, in the shower and asking God the same questions. This time around I wasn't as aggressive towards God, I was questioning Him but I was also making it clear to Him (as if He didn't already know) how I feel so trapped, like a bird in this cage. I was telling Him how badly I wanted to get out and do something ANYTHING with my life. I wanted out and honestly, I don't even know what I want out of. I think it is probably more that I want in than I do out. I want IN college, I want IN an apartment, I want IN a group of friends and I want IN a normal young adult life. But I feel as if I can't get OUT of this bird cage that enclosed around me. I was telling Him how I feel unnoticed, forgotten by so many people, old friends, past treatment team members, past mentors and it's almost as if everyone sees this cage with the bird in it but only just pays attention to the surface, the cage and never looks deeper into the cage to see the bird.

It was then that God spoke to me. And I can't write this without crying because it touches my heart with comfort, sadness, loneliness and relief all at the same time. God reminded me of what I told Carolyn about Janice that hot Sunday we were looking for her, that God knew EXACTLY where she was. I could just picture God as if He were reaching down from the heavens with His long arms and big hands to grab my tiny frail human body and look me straight in the eyes and gently say, "Caitlan, I know EXACTLY where you are. I see you. I see you in your bird cage and I see you wanting out of it to get into other parts of your life. I know where you are." Of course, He didn't go on to say how, when or what was going to get me out of the cage but the thought that God knows where I am at this moment just like He knows where the missing people are brought so much comfort to me.

As I sit here crying because I just have so many emotions going through me these days I have to trust, I have to give Him a chance to show me that He is capable of getting me out of this bird cage and whether that's to put me in another one or to set me free to fly, I don't know. But I do know that as I sit in a shinny bird cage banging my head against a wall thinking I'm no longer visible to the outside world, God is sitting up in heaven and nudging the guy next to Him saying,

"See her down there? See my daughter sitting in that house, trying to break free?…Mmm yes, I see her too and I know exactly where she is, she is neither in nor out rather she is exactly where I need her to be, so I can see her." 

Kitchen Bridal Showers

Yesterday morning my mother and I attended a bridal shower for one of my friends who is SO near and dear to my heart! We met in Kindergarden and were instantly best friends, along with several other fabulous ladies, whom I've kept in touch with throughout the years of us getting older. So Natalie is getting married to a man named Rob Hopper. Whenever I see that last name I think it's spelled wrong because another one of my best friends last name is Hooper so Hopper just doesn't look right. But it doesn't matter what I think because THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED!! Whoop!!

So the shower yesterday was called a miscellaneous kitchen shower, which is fairly common for most bride-to-be's. Now, I've thrown a kitchen shower before which turned out great!

Taryn-Soon-To-Be-Schuelke was the bride of the shower.

Personally, I would rather be buying the decor for the engaged couple's new home BUT I am also a little biased towards food so my opinion doesn't really count in these situations. But back to Natalie's shower yesterday…it was great! Upon first walking into the house I was greeted with THE best suprise EVER! MY LIFE LONG BEST FRIEND CAROLYN CASTLE!!! I had no idea she was in town nor did I know she was going to be at the shower! I was beyond thrilled to say the least :)

Carolyn Ann Castle (cac): best friend since we were 4 years old.


 

The shower was decorated with rustic burlap and candles along with the initials of Natalie and Rob and of course the name Hopper (not hooper)! Kuddo's to the hostesses and decorator's of the shower! I've stuffed some ideas into my wedding scrapbook for future showers! 

Now, this is when things got a little tricky….when we were told to write advice onto a wooden spoon/fork for their marriage. My initial reaction was we had to write advice about cooking, the kitchen, recipes etc. and I just bout fell out of my seat. Things running through my mind at this moment:

• I don't like food so how do I write advice about it onto a spoon.
• I HATE cooking so therefore I have zero advice about that. 
• I'll just put, "don't cook, order out". 
• Or maybe I'll put, "I don't eat therefore I don't have advice…good luck with it though!"

Hahaha pretty bad, huh? There was for sure some exaggeration in those thoughts but really I was clueless on what to write on that spoon! I then find out that we are able to write any type of advice we want, it doesn't have to be kitchen related. 

It really is a great idea for a kitchen shower. Too bad my relationship with food brings me straight to the negative thoughts of this. 

So this is what I gave her for advice ;) 

Anyway, long post short. I had a great time! Natalie was just glowing and gorgeous. I saw some girls that I haven't seen in a while and we were able to catch up on life and the different stages that we're in. I couldn't be more happy for Natalie and Rob as they start out on their new adventures as a married couple here in a few weeks! The wedding will be nothing short of gorgeous and being able to share those memories with her is such a blessing. 

And when I get married in 25 years and a kitchen shower is thrown for me be prepared to be punched in the face…JUST KIDDING!! You can throw me a kitchen shower and we can all laugh and make ironic jokes and comments and all that business. But let's not throw me a kitchen shower ANY time soon because then I really will punch you in the face ;)

And We're Budgeting Starting….NOW.

Good evening faithful followers. If you are new to this blog then please take some time to tour around; check out some old posts, the pages listed at the top of the website and then go ahead and take yourself to the right of the screen and click on the lovely bird house and take a peek at my crafting site….AND BUY SOMETHING!! :)

Y'all it's time. I can't put it off anymore or else I will be living with my parents until I win more than $2.00 on a scratch off ticket from my gas station friends. Starting tonight, after this post is posted, I am going to begin budgeting. Ugh the word gives me heart burn just thinking about it BUT it has to happen. And y'all are going to be there every single step of the way as I complain and grumble about how I can't go out and use my coupons or buy something JUST because it's on sale or clearance or because I have a coupon. Of course, you can all join me in my little money saving adventure if you would like. Or you can sit and read and laugh as I strategically place my money into savings and divide and add and subtract it all for bills, rent, food etc.

Now, the second my Dad and I began talking about budgeting this is what was going through my mind, let's see if you can find the irony…
-I'll go buy a Dave Ramsey book.
- I'll download (and purchase) a software to do it all for me.
- I will buy a journal and binder and organize all of my receipts (which I technically already do) and keep it all in perfect balance all the time.

Hmmmm….yep, it's that bad. And honestly guys a lot of my compulsion to shop is a replacement behavior, dual addiction yadda yadda. I used to exercise when I was stressed and anxious, then that turned into binging when I was anxious and now I just shop and spend money. It's all about filling the voids people, the holes in my heart are trying to be filled by material things. You think I would have figured it out by now but that would be a negative. Well, I'm sorta making progress with this post, huh?

Advice on budgeting would be greatly appreciated. Dad said I shouldn't start saving for retirement or grad school or a new car right now because then I won't ever move out into an apartment sooooo let the ideas flow fellow friends. Let them flow.

Okay, five things that have been a positive in my life since the last post:

1.) Photographed this beautiful lady.

2.) Stumbled across Parks and Recreation on Netflix.

3.) Attended ReGeneration for FOUR freaking weeks in a row! Whoop.

4.) Met with all three members of my outpatient treatment team (dietitian and therapist today)!! 

5.) Got personal responses from three of the girls from this past Survivor. I don't know what the deal is but I'm like so fascinated by these women, I want to meet them! I think a lot of it is because they are true, down to earth people who have a heart for friends, family and the important things in life. This could very well bring me to an entire new level of stalker but I believe that if you have something genuinely nice you want to say to somebody then you should do it, whether you know them or not. We need more niceness and less judgment in this world.
Who knows, but they're on my heart a lot.

Three Weeks.

Friends, it has been far too long since my last post! I feel like there is so much I want to talk about and vent about in this post because I am still without a therapist and dietitian. I have in deed found my new psychiatrist and LOVE him! I went yesterday and all the staff in the office is so nice, his nurse assistant or whatever you call her is great and he is laid back, funny and down to earth. What a relief knowing that one piece of my treatment team is now set in stone. As for the therapist and dietitian those are still a work in progress annnddd I feel like I'm dying to be honest. I need my treatment team. I miss Shele and Michelle and the staff and Renfrew and the girls. I'm still lonely and more so now that I don't even have a therapist. I have allowed myself to "numb out" these past few weeks in order to get through them without having any emotional breakdowns. I am not sure how healthy that is but I don't feel I have many other choices.

I have gone to ReGeneration (Celebrate Recovery) at Watermark three weeks in a row! I even attended by myself last night ;) Go me!! ReGeneration is not like anything I have ever been to in my life. Sitting in a church full of adults, both men and women all church going, Jesus loving people boldly proclaiming that they are believers and yet they still struggle with sin and addictions. Every person who comes to speak into the mic or introduces themselves to the group states their name and that they are a believer who struggles with ______. It's unreal. I stand in awe seeing grown men and women sharing that they struggle with lust, chemical dependency, porn, alcohol, codependency etc. It's almost a relief for me to see these people and watch their tears fall and hear their stories of redemption. I'm always talking about how as Christians we too struggle and we are nowhere close to being perfect but it's as if I didn't believe it for myself. Honestly, I still don't know if I believe it. I'm still trying to be perfect, have it all together, get my life in order, and while doing all that I'm putting on a good appearance and mask for everyone else. I feel like a part of something when I go on Monday nights. I enjoy hearing testimonies, worshipping with people who are not hiding their dirt and getting the chance to share my voice in a group without having to get any feedback but, "thanks for sharing, Caitlan".

I don't know if God can heal me. I don't know if I'm ready for Him to heal me. That's the honest truth. I'm scared of trusting Him with my life because I feel as if I've always done everything right in my life and this is what He is giving me in return. Trusting someone that you can't hear or see and someone who planned out your life of addiction and sin is nowhere close to easy. But I'm doing it. I've gone three weeks in a row. I've allowed myself to praise and sing aloud during worship, I've allowed myself to write down prayer requests for the group leaders, I've allowed myself to speak in the group and I have allowed myself to verbally say I don't know if I'm ready for God to change my heart. I want to want Him to heal me, I want to want that. So am I where I would like to be with my spiritual journey? Absolutely not. I still haven't opened my Bible except when I'm at church, I still haven't prayed on my own and I haven't journaled any. But I have gone to regeneration three weeks in a row. I have gotten myself into the habit of going to a biblically based 12 step program and I have opened up my heart the tiny amount needed to hear others stories of grace and love from God.

I'm lonely, I want to cry in someone's arms and I feel as if I have lost many friendships and relationships over the past year and a half but one thing I can say that is positive and that I'm proud of is I have attended a God centered group/study for three weeks in a row and for that I give all the credit and glory to God and I am very grateful.

My name is Caitlan Salerno. 

I am a believer in Jesus Christ who struggles with;

an eating disorder, anxiety, depression, self harm and codependency. 

Comparing Struggles

Last week I was finishing up my last hour of an eight our shift at Michaels. It was nearing 5:00pm and my feet were killing me from standing up at the register all day, plus I can't take much more than eight hours of West Plano-the world revolves around me-customers. Not saying they're all like that but we get enough in a day to make me want to punch 'em in the face. Anyway, the next lady in line started placing her merchandise on the counter and she asked me how I was doing (I'm starting to get real good at thinking of different words other than 'fine' and 'good'), and I responded with "Oh, I'm hanging in there". Which was the truth by 4:45 I'm counting down the minutes until I can shut off my register light and get the heck out of dodge! I then asked her how she was doing and she had the nerve to respond with this statement, "Oh I spent all day with dozens of second graders on a field trip so you have nothing to complain about". I was about ready to slap her as well and say don't you dare go comparing our days! And don't you dare say that I have nothing to complain about when A.) I wasn't complaining and B.) who are you to say you had a rougher day than me!

Well, to say the least I didn't respond to her commit because it would have been on the verge of inappropriate I'm sure. I smiled at her, handed her receipt and said enjoy your evening. And away she went, probably not even realizing the anger she stirred up in me. I didn't feel as if I had a rougher day than her, that wasn't the point, the point was that she felt the need to be on the top of rough days, she had to have the worst day, the most draining day and she needed strangers to know it. Uncalled for. I'm sorry but it is and I didn't and don't have any sympathy for her.

Last night I attended my very Re:Generation (aka celebrate recovery) at Watermark. It was fabulous, a Godsend and a blessing all wrapped up in a little package for me. Thanks God. On Sunday after church my sister and I went on a hunt to find out more information on the program and so I could get a few questions answered. Well, about 15 minutes later we were introduced to a lady who had already gone through the program (3 times I later found out) and told me she would go with me on Monday night so I wouldn't have to go alone.

Hello, blessing number 1! So Monday evening rolled around and I managed to bring Aimee along, a girl who was at Renfrew with me. We met up with Jennifer (blessing number 1 lady) at the church and she was explaining to us how the process and group setting worked. She then told us how every single individual that will be in the worship center tonight is struggling with something and those something's range from lying to drug addictions and jail time. She told us of one of her first meetings when people were going around and saying what they struggled with; lying, gossip, reading the Bible daily etc. and the only thing Jennifer could think was, 'oh my gosh! These people don't have problems! They are going to be in for a HUGE shock when I start spewing out my issues!'. Her point to telling us this was no matter the struggle, no matter the size or the addiction those sins were/are laying just as heavily on their hearts as whatever your struggle may be that is laying on your heart.

Are we seeing how the first and second story are tied together now? A hurt is a hurt, whether that means a carpet burn or your arm being cut off. A pain is a pain and a sin is a sin. Why sit there and try to have the "best" sin in the group or the "worst" day out of everyone when in reality it's all the same. We waste our energy in deciding if we're "sick" enough to go to treatment or if we actually have something to "recover" from to go to church recovery groups. We sit and take notes on others testimonies and compare how ours isn't anywhere close to as life changing and dramatic as that girl on the stage. Who is to say that her's is better than your's? Weren't they both planned by the same Creator? Didn't both of y'all end up safe in the arms of Christ? Aren't you both getting help and offering others help? Why compare?

I'm not perfect. I do it all the time. And I've heard numerous girls say statements along the same lines of "I'm not sick enough or thin enough or I don't look like _____ so I can't go into treatment yet". That's all lies from the pit of hell and until you are able to see that and argue those lies with truth you are going to be miserable, I promise you. God calls us to love as He loves. He loves us ALL. He doesn't compare and He doesn't love one story over the other, He just loves.

Let us all just love each other AND ourselves.

To The Mothers,

To the mothers whom are affected by eating disorders,

For the past year I have watched tears spill from your eyes. I have watched your hands shake as you try to hide your emotions spilling out onto your face. I have heard voices quiver while speaking of the guilt and shame that you have burried deep down in your heart. With every ounce of your being I see you so desperately trying to stare the eating disorder straight in the eyes so you can scare it away but instead you just see the eyes of your baby girl, your sweet and innocent baby girl who is in a pain that you cannot take away.

I want to tell you that it is okay. Did you hear that? It is okay. I am giving you permission to fall apart. As a daughter with an eating disorder I am allowing my mother and all mothers to let out that breath you have been holding in. The breath that contains anger, hurt, tears, screams and sobs of confusion and pain. You do not have to be perfect for us. You do not have to blame yourself for our addictions. You do not have to carry the world on your shoulders and you do not have to "fix us". All we ask of you is to just be. That's all, just be. Be our moms, love us and let us love you. Know that you are not to blame for our mistakes, our decisions and the paths that our lives have taken. You are not to blame for our sufferings and you are not to blame for the evils in this world.

Long before we were even a thought in your mind God had a hand on the future of your baby's life. He knew from the beginning of time that our path was going to cross roads with the sins and darkness of this earthly world and He knew that His children and His children's children were going to be tested and tried in ways unimaginable. Yet, at the same time He did not create mothers to have  His healing powers. He created them to love their children as He loves His children, which includes how He loves you. We as your daughters with eating disorders ask for nothing more than love and support from our mothers. We ask you to let God do the fixing, curing and saving and we ask that you just love on us. We ask that you put your finger down by your side and away from your face and we ask that you hear us when we say that there is no one or no place for blame to rest on.

The gift that I give to every mother out there with a baby girl facing a life of recovery, denial or pain from an eating disorder, is to accept the grace that God is so freely handing you. The grace and love that says, this isn't your fault. The grace that says, you have not messed up as a mother and you have not messed up your child. The grace that is asking you to trust the plans of a Man who created them in the first place and to just love your child as He loves you.

We love you. I love you and I wouldn't have made it this far without you. Remember that, always.

Sincerely,
Your baby girl  

Spiritual Honesty

With one hand I can count the number of times I have gone to church this year. One hand.
1.) With my sister in January before she went back to Austin.

2.) By myself once to The Village.
3.) With a friend from treatment to The Village.
4.) Easter service with my parents at St. Elizabeth
5.) Tonight at Watermark.

It is almost May of 2012 and I have been to church on average once a month this year. I've realized two things this weekend:

1.) I have had two major phases of my recovery. The first phase was while in Denver which involved the physical part of recovery; re-feeding my body. The second phase I am currently in which is Renfrew and the phase where I have been working so hard on my mental and emotional side of all this treatment and recovery stuff. The third phase is what I realized is waiting for me (patiently) to turn around and stare straight in the eyes, the spiritual side. I have done everything in my power to keep my back turned to the Jesus and church and fellowship phase and yesterday it occurred to me that if I don't turn around then I think this is the spot I will remain in mentally and physically until I slowly start to fall back into the first stage. I have to face God. I have to.
2.) Without fail, I would say at least 3 and possibly 4 times out of the 5 that I have gone to church I get a hurt in my heart so strong that tears start to flood my eyelids and every ounce of my body is telling me to crawl into bed and forget church.

I realized the second realization this afternoon when I was cleaning the bathroom and my room. I intentionally showered and got ready for church this morning so I could worry about one less thing as it got closer to the service time. I had a good three hours in between lunch and church so I figured I'd go do some self care (which is hard enough as it is) and get my nails and eyebrows/lips done. That way I would be preoccupied until it came time to head to the church. Well, of course they can't fit me in until 4 which would be pushing it so I head back home and am left with my emotions that showed up about an hour after leaving the nail place.

This hurt that I feel is almost impossible to describe because honestly I can't even tell if it's conviction, anger, resentment, envy, hate or just the Holy Spirit be present. Going to a church here in Dallas, alone, reminds me of what I have left behind in Austin and even San Antonio. It reminds me of the fellowship that I had through Phi Lamb, Austin Stone, my friends and roommates. It reminds me of the year and a half that I spend searching for a church home and when I finally found it I had to leave Austin. It reminds me that I used to go to church and see familiar faces and friends that would give me huge hugs and ask me to come sit by them. It reminds me of UT and  my life that I had there is no longer a part of my life. It reminds me that I'm alone and that I really don't have many friends here in Plano and Dallas.

I know that a lot of the tears and pain are in result of the resentment that I hold so deep down in my heart towards God or my first therapist at Renfrew, I don't know who I am more angry at. I still don't understand why God would put a Jesus loving therapist in my life who was just so passionate about biblically counseling and then take her away just like that. She of course attended the church that I wanted to become apart of while she was still at Renfrew but when she left, my anger spread from God and her to the church that she attended as well. So when Sunday comes around I battle in my head constantly about what church and which service to go to because I so desperately want to avoid her but at the same time I so desperately want to run into her and for HER to come to me first and embrace me. I feel very much abandoned and I know that is not the case whatsoever but I can't help but feel it and therefore I feel as if this particular church is a scary place for me because I don't have any closure I don't think.

This is a lot of rambling, I get that but I could hardly make it through the service tonight without falling to my knees weeping. And honestly, I don't even think it would be weeping for a relationship with Jesus but it would be weeping from the pain I feel in my heart from God and the church. I know that this is why I haven't faced the spiritual side of my life because it is painful and I can hardly face it for an  hour and a half without wanting to crawl in a dark hole somewhere.

At this moment in time thinking about going to church or celebrate recovery or whatever brings me more sadness and loneliness than I feel at ANY other time of the week. And I know that isn't how community and fellowship is suppose to be because I've experienced Jesus and brothers and sisters of Christ and worship and scripture and conviction and all of those things do not equal the sense of loneliness that I feel now. I don't know how to get past it or how to let the anger and hate be released from my heart. My heart is in a dark place and I'm afraid that it's going to have to go through an even darker place before I am able to experience the kind of freedom, love and peace that the church and God supply to their followers, the comfort of knowing that they are not alone.

I guess that I just plead to whoever reads this post that you would pray for my heart to soften towards whomever it is I am so angry at. That church would become a safe place for me again and that there are girls around me here in Dallas that do love and care about me, it's just a matter of me choosing to trust them and let them in. I want a relationship with God again I really do and I don't want to be on strike  and I'm NOT on strike but I feel like a small child waiting at the doorsteps of a huge brick wall and those on the other side of this wall will never hear my faint knocks at the door because I am too small and they are too great. I want Jesus and I want fellowship, I'm craving it but I need help in making those steps.

Eventfully Dull

Whenever I am talking to someone that I haven't talked to in a while they always ask how my life is. And they do it with SO much enthusiasm that I am almost hesitant to answer because I don't want to let them down when I say my life is actually quite dull, involving work, living at home and treatment. I mean literally my days come and go and aren't full of much excitement. Is that my fault? Maybe partially but I also believe that this is just the stage of life that I'm in at the moment. In order to stay with my meal plan, recovery and all that business I have to sort of make sure I'm not throwing myself into situations that are so exciting that they blow me out of the wrong direction in this recovery process.

Does that even make sense? After even writing that out I can read the word EXCUSE written ALL over that sucker of a sentence. Well, dang. But in ALL honesty I have been starting to at least think about branching my life out a little. Have I physically taken the action to add some excitement to my life? Negative, but that doesn't mean it hasn't crossed my mind! Here are some things that I'm thinking:

• Take a jewelry class to learn how to make well, jewelry of course. 
• Take some photography classes to actually learn how to learn the functions of my camera.
• Volunteer with people AND animals. 
• Go to church.
• The thought of going back to school in the spring of 2013 has actually crossed my mind. 
• Moving into my own apartment is being tossed around at the moment. 
• I'm going to plant flowers and make a healing garden. 

So those are just a few things that are running rapidly through my brain. But honestly, I'll take those thoughts ANY day over the eating disorder's voice, which has actually been somewhat loud this week. Mostly at the start of the week but that's another story for another post for now in this moment we're doing fairly decent :) 

Until next time let me leave you with a few pictures of my oh so entertaining life:

I've made Easter care packages for girls in residential treatment. 

Walked with both girls and staff from Renfrew at the NEDA Walk. 

Turned 22. 

Photographed a good friend and her crazy fun kid. 

Had ducks in the backyard. Lily wasn't sure what to do with her new best friends. 

Then we had bunnies that ran the ducks off eventually. 

They sat and stared a lot, either at each other or off into space...

The flowers my parents have grown.

Made a Secretary Appreciation gift for the receptionist at Renfrew 

Flower Pens in a cute flower tin. 

We like spring…not summer. 

Okay, until next time be good and stay sweet. OH and check out my NEW crafting website to the right of this post. Click on the birdhouse picture that says With Love above it! 

love.love.love

Cait

THE Bucket List of Caitlan Salerno

This post will have NO mention of eating disorders, treatment, recovery or anything of the sorts. I'm so sick of that (excuse my french) bull shit. While this blog is for that purpose I just need a break from talking about it, thinking about it, breathing it and living it EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF MY FREAKING LIFE! So starting….NOW no more of what I just mentioned above!

So now what do we talk about….?

Ehhhh how about some random facts about me? Yeah? Okay. Or you know what? Better yet, I'll write out my bucket list for ya. I've been told it's pretty insane but how can you strive for anything in life if you don't dream about anything at all?

• Get a black belt in karate.
• Be a surrogate mother. 
• Open and own a coffee shop on the street corner of Chicago.
• Qualify for the boston marathon before I'm 30 (this may have to be altered a little bit).
• Complete a full marathon while running the whole thing.
• Be in New York on New Years Eve.
• Be a flight attendant.
• Work at a hotel in New York at Christmas time. 
• Experience a TRUE white Christmas (not in Texas). 
•  Smoke pot. (no one freak out. This will happen when I am on my death bed and my friends and family are asking me what they can do to make me feel more comfortable. I will mention this post in my blog and experience something illegal at the old age of 97-ish.) 
• Write a book.
• Write a children's book.
• Learn to drive a stick shift. 
• Learn to play an instrument.
• Go on a coffee house road trip (with no plans and no time limit). 
• Open up my home to those in need of a place to stay, for free. (youth, kids, adults etc.) 
• Become a foster parent. 
• Become a teacher.
• Become a therapist. 
• Travel to all 50 states. 
• Go on a vacation by myself. 
• Move to the beach for a summer and get a local job with beach bums. 
• Get 100 followers for my blog. 
• Share my story to an audience larger than a Phi Lamb pledge meeting. 
• Buy a house only to renovate it and then sell it. 
• Become a photographer (a legit one). 
• Live in a underdeveloped neighborhood and love on the people who live there, spreading the joy of Jesus without shoving the Bible down their throat.  
• Save a stray dog off the side of the highway. (It has to be a highway for me to be able to cross this one off). Oh and he has to be alive. 
• Own and train a therapy dog to bring to rehab facilities and hospitals. 

And finally:

• Start a ministry of believers to travel to different rehab facilities to befriend the patients, love on them, speak truth to them, be an ear to listen to, be a ride to church for those who are not close to their home, be a phone call away, a text away and a face of the outside world showing hope and love into what feels like a hopeless and helpless place. 

May you all have a wonderful Sunday. Check out my new web page for my "business" that isn't making any money haha but I still enjoy it. With Love  In order to be a "follower" of this page go to the right side of the blog and you'll see some black square like things, one of them will have little people on them. Click on that and you'll find where to follow! Enjoy lovers :)  

Series Cancelled

Mis Amigas! How are we doing this lovely Thursday afternoon? This post is just going to prove that I am indecisive, all over the place and sometimes may not think through everything before I start posting things. So again here I am proving my imperfection to all of you. Please be gentle :)

I have cancelled my "series" on how my eating disorder developed. Not because I don't want to write about it or share it with you but because in order for me to do so I feel the need to get in touch with the people who were involved in the story. There are individuals that I haven't spoken to in years and I don't believe it would be fair or respectful for me to start throwing their name around (or a fake name but them still knowing I was talking about them) in a post that could come across as blaming. That would not be right of me on so many different levels.

So if you are reading this post and feel as if you are one of those "individuals" that I haven't talked to in years then please please contact me. My goal is to slowly start getting in touch with those I have on my mental list and just share my heart with you and in return I pray that you feel comfortable sharing your heart with me. Don't hesitate and don't doubt that you are on my mental list/mind. I want to hear from you. My number hasn't changed, you can find me on facebook or shoot me an email. Or if you're in town we can even meet for coffee.

I hope from the bottom of my heart that everyone understands my decision in canceling the "series". Maybe postponed is a better word for it. Or maybe we should just say it's a story that can be shared in a book that may be printed in the future. Who knows? But to the reader who posted the comment let me validate your question and say that there was a little bit of everything that caused the ed.
- High School
- Peers
- Family
- Media/Society
- Sports/lack there of sports

And something that I have learned from the past few months of treatment is this…genetics load the gun and the environment pulls the trigger. So like I said a mixture of things. I don't blame anyone, hear me when I say that. NO ONE. God has a hand on all of this and because I believe that then I have no reason to blame anyone except for the fact that we live in a sinful world that is full of temptations.

With MUCH Love.

Where the bleep has Caitlan been?!

Yes, I am alive! I don't even know how long it has been since my last post but I do know it has been quite some time. So there is a lot of catching up for us to do therefore, before I continue on the series of the development of my ed I am going to do a catch  up post. Enjoy. I have missed you all and spilling out my guts to you. So here goes.

Life has been rather interesting this past month. Interesting in the fact that I can't put a lot of words to my thoughts and feelings towards treatment, school, recovery and life in general. I am going on my ehh fourth week in day treatment at Renfrew (or maybe fifth I can't remember) and will be going BACK to intensive outpatient on Thursday. Insurance likes what they are seeing concerning numbers, meal plan following and symptom usage. Don't get me wrong these are all great things. I have been following my meal plan for a solid few weeks and the weight loss has ceased and we are starting the trend to move in the correct direction once again. I have been doing a lot of hard work with my treatment team and parents and overall fairly decent. So I can see where insurance would think that I'm ready to move to a lower level of care. Unfortunately, insurance can't measure my emotional and mental state like they can my physical weight and the percentage of my meal plan I am consuming. A lot of what I am doing is mechanical, which to some extent is okay if that is what is getting me to eat throughout the day but the goal is to eventually get to a point where I will be eating for myself and not because I have a staff member sitting next to me or my parents sitting in the room. That scares me, a lot. I still have so much anger towards food and a therapist would probably say that I am not angry at the food but at something else deep down and I am taking it out on the food. But whatever or whoever I am angry at the food is an easy target. So that is something that I am working on. After every meal stating one part of the meal that I enjoyed so I can learn to actually like the concept of eating and food in general. Not as easy as it sounds.

As for me and the Big Man upstairs. We're still in a pretty rocky place. But I don't think I am on strike anymore just more on the fence about taking that leap of faith into His arms. There are a lot of "what-ifs" that come along with surrendering my eating disorder entirely and trusting God. Of course I could argue that anything that comes from God will be better than the hurt I am feeling now.

I withdrew from school a week or two ago. I am still numb about it but I know it is what I needed to do. Some people can handle intensive treatment and school at the same time but I am just not one of those individuals. So after much thought and prayer I told myself that until I am out of intensive treatment of any kind and after I have been living on my own for a good chunk of time with no threats of moving back into intensive treatment I will stay out of school. It isn't fair to my parents or myself. No matter how bad it sucks and how much it hurts me I know that this is what is best for me. My brain doesn't have the energy to tackle school and recovery at this moment in time. I pray that one day I will be in a place that school is once again calling my name and the desire in my heart and my want for life will still be there.

I feel as if I no longer have many close friends. I can feel my relationships in Austin growing further and further apart. Not saying that they love me any less or that I love them or care about them any less but it is what it is. We are in different places in our lives right now and living in different cities and that makes it hard to keep the kind of relationship that we had a year or so ago. I am making wonderful friends with girls from Renfrew, which is great but still a lot of them don't seem to carry much foundation outside of treatment which just hurts me so badly. There is one whom I have been able to hang out with on a pretty consistent basis which is such a blessing but other than that the girls I felt would continue to stay in touch have drifted themselves. I don't have a good excuse for not making new friends who aren't in treatment or at my work. I have excuses but not good ones to the outside world. So it isn't fair for me to sit here and say how lonely I am or that I get my feelings hurt too easily. But it's the truth. I have girlfriends from elementary school that will love me forever and will be there for me through thick and thin but living cities and states away makes it tough.

So there is my update. A lot of rambling I know but well you should be used to that by now. Give me a few days and I will write again. Until then I'm just gonna keep keepin on and pray that come Thursday I can keep moving in the right direction and for once not fall back into the temptations of this monster.

Much love sweet friends.

Pilot: The Development of Caitlan's Eating Disorder

I was asked by an anonymous follower how my eating disorder developed. Yesterday afternoon I spent a good solid hour tying out a novel of a post about how my ed was born and engrained into my brain and life. I posted it and then within a matter of ehh maybe five minutes I took it down and twenty five hours later here I am, writing out a new post. I have the original one saved for future use or maybe for no reason at all but I have it saved none the less.

My reason for starting over you ask?

Let me ask you to either ponder this if you aren't a mother or answer the question if you are a mother: How long would it take you to write the story of birthing your first born? And I don't just mean the labor, I mean when you met your spouse/partner/baby's daddy fell in love, decided to have a baby or didn't decide to have a baby, the nine months of preparation and building anticipation and anxiety and then in a matter of hours your life is changed for the remainder of your years on this earth. I am going to make a pretty confident guess that you could write a novel on that story and who knows maybe even a sequel for baby numero dos!

So are you getting my point? By typing out how my eating disorder developed into one post isn't fair for myself, others involved, YOU the reader and my eating disorder and I would even say my recovery. I have no problem talking about how it developed but I want it to be more detailed than a rough sketch of those crucial years in high school. I want it to be clear to you as you read through the words of the story that has changed my life forever. If nothing else I want it to make sense on the level that anyone can relate to. Eating disorders do not discriminate. They don't only develop in the model and athletic industry. They don't only develop with girls. You don't have to be skin and bones to have an eating disorder. You can be any color in the rainbow and develop an eating disorder! You can love any gender or both genders or no genders and still get an eating disorder. You can be four years old or seventy four years old and the eating disorder is still able to grab hold of you. There is no rule saying that you have to have a background of trauma in your life. Whether that is physical, emotional, sexual or verbal abuse, an eating disorder can attack the abused and attack those who have never experienced such trauma.

Developing an eating disorder can happen to absolutely anyone. They don't care who you are, where you've been, where you are going and how long you are going to live. They trick you into being their best friends, telling you that they have your back, they will always be there and that they can be trusted. But when it comes to the point where you are lying in the hospital bed hooked up to a feeding tube, the only thing keeping you alive, the eating disorder has no sympathy for you or the fact that you are about to die. He will then go find someone else to cling onto.

That was deep, I get that but I just want everyone to understand how you aren't invincible from developing an eating disorder just because you like to eat. I liked to eat too, before my eating disorder I enjoyed food and meal time. I was the girl that swore I would never get an eating disorder because I loved food too much. So over my next few posts I will be doing a "series" on the development of my eating disorder. Piece by piece I will go through the stages and dig into a deeper level, a real level so you my faithful friends can maybe find something to relate to and then maybe catch yourself before falling down a slippery slope or see the signs in a friend or family member. Stories are a powerful thing if you choose to let them be. I am giving you permission to use my story, my suffering and my recovery journey to help not only yourself but those that are around you on a daily basis.

So to my anonymous reader who asked this question sit back and enjoy the next few posts on the development of my eating disorder. Until next time you all be good and sweet. Questions, comments or concerns? Let me know!

With Love.

Stuck in Sand

I am pretty sure that I have started this post on several different occasions. I've started it and stopped and deleted and saved and started over so many times that I can't keep track. Now, this post isn't going to be some crazy post full of deep juicy gossip or in sight on the meaning of life. It is going to be an honest post. Again. It won't be as dark as my last post but it will be honest non the less.

My journey through life and recovery has found it's way into a desert and my car is stuck in sand while spinning it's wheels ferociously trying to get out of the mess. I am the car for those of you who aren't following my metaphor here…I've been stuck for a good three weeks (give or take). I was stuck to the point of needing to return to day treatment at Renfrew. Today was my fifth day back and I'm surviving but hardly. I have lost myself in this mess of sinking sand. I have lost the voice in me that knows what is best for Caitlan. I hear my parents voices and I hear my treatment team's voices and I hear my eating disorder's voice but I can't find me anywhere. I am torn in the middle of this tug-a-war trying to find a way to make everyone happy. I find it humorous that I am in this situation considering this was a HUGE contributor to me developing an ed in the first place, attempting to make everyone else happy but not myself. Doesn't make sense but yet so many of us are caught in this situation.

In result of losing myself in the midst of chaos I have disconnected myself from God. It could be because I am doubting Him, I have lost trust in Him or I'm afraid to see what He has to say to me. Or it could be for reasons that I am unaware of but I am suffering without allowing Him into my life and heart during this period of such darkness. I know without a doubt He is the reason I am still choosing to get up every day and spend 5 hours in intensive treatment, which also means there is some sort of hope inside of me. Honestly, I don't know how people do this recovery business without Jesus. I have Jesus in my life and am just being stubborn about reaching out and grabbing His hand that He is holding out to me and because of my hard head I am suffering the consequences of it. But there is still that small flame in my heart that keeps me going everyday.

So that is where I am currently. Debating between levels of treatment, treatment at all, moving out, where I want to move to and school. It has been brought to my attention by several people that it appears to them that I am using treatment as a crutch and I am too comfortable with it. For those of you who believe that I respect your opinions but let me assure you one thing; if there was a way for me to wake up one morning and magically be recovered and be discharged for good from treatment then it would have happened by now. I am doing the best I can every day. That may look different every day but I know that each day we are given just the amount of strength we need to make it through and for me I believe that God is giving me enough to do what  can at this moment of my recovery. To others it may not look like enough or like I'm not putting effort into it or I am using treatment to get attention and stay sick but I do what I can with the strength given to me. And right now there is a lot going on and I am carrying a lot of stress and burdens so recovery may look a little different. It doesn't mean I am not trying. Everyday that I choose to get out of bed and eat breakfast is me trying 100% and if it doesn't look like that to others then I am going to have to get over it because I know deep down I am doing what I can do to make it through each day.

The Strength of an Eating Disorder

This is going to be a really honest post, I'm going to say that upfront so if you aren't in the mood for honesty that you can choose to skip this post. One of the requests on what I blog about was to just write about me, be honest, share my thoughts and feelings and people will read it. That's what I am doing today, sharing a darker side of recovery that is often just glanced over. I have to write this post because I no longer know who to go to anymore and I need to get it all out in one place other than my therapist's office.

My eating disorder is so strong. It is loud and mean and hateful and full of anger and currently it has me under whip and chain and is beating me to death. It hates going to Renfrew for 12 hours a week, it hates living at home with my parents, it hates when I try to do what I'm suppose to do with my meal plan. It constantly reminds me that I failed at going to school in Austin, that I failed at friendships, that I failed at living on my own and how I have now been forgotten by all my friends that I made because the only reason they were friends with me in the first place was because they felt obligated to take care of me and now that I'm gone they can dust me off their shoulders and move on with their lives. He tells me that Phi Lamb loves my sister more because she isn't sick and falling apart like I was when I was there and in leadership. He reminds me all the time that everyone is out together living life while I sit alone at home. There isn't a point to get involved at UNT or make new friends because I'll only use them for my eating disorder and to get attention. I should stop going to church because I'm just as alone there as I am sitting in my room. I should stop trusting Jesus because I am incapable of accepting His grace and love. Basically, 24 hours a day and 7 days a week I am reminded by my eating disorder how much of a failure at life I am. I've failed my parents, my sister, my friends both old and new and myself AND how I've failed him (the eating disorder).

There are no manuscripts for recovering from an eating disorder but I will tell you right now, it is miserable. They keep telling me it takes time and it's worth it and I'm just in a slump but I don't know anymore. I have so much anger built up in me that I don't know what to do with myself. I'm angry at the people who are going to Austin Stone on campus tonight at UT, I'm angry at UNT for sending me a flyer in the mail telling me I am qualified to get my UNT class ring, I'm angry at my parents for their love and support that I mistake as control and I'm angry at myself for ruining my one shot at life. I'm angry at God for putting me in this dark hell, where I feel more alone than I have EVER felt in my life! I'm angry at Him for giving me peace about moving home and transferring to UNT but to only feel more pain and hurt. I'm angry at all the people who tell me that I can do this and this is possible and that I just need to change my attitude and choose whether I want to live in my eating disorder or live a life of joy.

Unless, you have been in a place where you personally have had to recover from an addiction than I'm sorry but currently I don't want to hear about me having to change my attitude and choose to eat the meal because it is so much more than that. My eating disorder is strong, stronger than I ever realized it was and it is over powering me both mentally, physically AND emotionally. I don't see a life without an eating disorder, I don't. Any light that was starting to shine through is no longer there and honestly, that makes me want to just accept the fact that it is what it is and make do with my eating disorder being in my life. If we're being honest that is what I believe I deserve.

I am angry and tired and alone. I keep running up against this wall that leads to all of this shit (that I just talked about) which then leads me to use my eating disorder even more, which then leads to weight loss and a scared dietitian. Then you start hearing the words, day-treatment and residential being thrown around and you shit your pants a little because you thought you were finished with all of that. But you then hear a voice saying, "oh no, you aren't nearly close to done with this process. I'm still here and strong and no one is going to stop me and make me leave because the only way you can be successful in life and be loved and accepted by others is with me and without food." And I believe him. The sad thing is I then believe that voice because I'm too exhausted of fighting and losing that surrendering sounds so comforting.

So that is where I'm at. In a shit hole basically. Having to drink a freaking supplement every night and having to get my parents to sign my meal plan sheet like a first grader getting their behavior chart signed. This is what I want people to see and read when they are thinking about skipping the meal or purging the food or staying on the treadmill an extra X amount of minutes, I want them to think of this post. The hell that is waiting for you at the end of your sprint, the end of your purge and at the start of your hunger pains in the pit of your stomach. If I had known this was to come back in high school there is no way I would have chosen this route. So I beg of anyone who is on the verge of the slippery slope, back away now and don't turn around to take a second glance at what you're leaving because I promise you that you are running away from hell.

L-O-V-E (aka Valentine's Day)

Hi there precious followers. It is currently Friday afternoon/early evening-ish and I have the house to myself. I so enjoy a quiet house with no one else in it (minus the dog). I can hear the sound of the laundry machine going, my itunes library on shuffle is now playing a David Crowder Christmas song (which I'm not complaining about) and a cup of coffee sitting next to me on the living room floor. 

It has been a rough week. Actually, a rough FEW weeks and today hasn't been any easier. I planned on blogging about what's been going on with recovery and treatment but I'll save that for later this weekend so keep checking back! In result of my challenging past few days I have been crafting out the wazoo. Which is good for me because it keeps me out of trouble and my mind off of my eating disorder for a little while. And it just makes me happy :) Which is what I need more of so I'll take crafty-happy any day! 

My only dilemma is I craft all of these projects and then have no idea what to do with them. So I've been doing a lot of thinking about this but I am going to officially go into business. I've been debating because if it's a bust and no one wants to buy anything than I'll look like a complete crafty wanna be. But I then reasoned with myself and decided that I won't know if I'm gonna end up a wanna be crafter or the go-to-girl-crafter until I give it a try. So I will be purchasing a booth at a Spring Market Fair that is on March 11th and selling my spring and easter things (that aren't made yet but we're not freaking out). My goal is to break even with the cost of the booth ($125.00). If I do that then I'm gonna be in a good place and if I don't then I'll reevaluate and try again. I am going to need to think of a name for my "business", I have a few ideas running through my head but nothing that has "wowed" me yet. If you have ideas then let me know! We love help from other people :) 

One last thing and then I'll let you look at what I've made so far and the pictures which I'm sure is what you are all here for. From today until forever of me being in business (forever meaning 3 months or 3 years) I will be donating a percentage of all purchases to an organization for either eating disorders or depression/self harm etc. For this month I'll be putting 20% of every purchase towards NEDA; considering it's eating disorder awareness month. After February we'll reevaluate and go from there :) 

Spring Bird House: $6.50

"Bee Mine" Frame: $5.50

Heart Frame: $5.00

Valentine Chalkboard: $10.00 (the little hearts on top are mini clips)

Okay, so if you are interested in any of these or if you would like me to make something that you don't see above then let me know! All my contact info is in the "Got Questions" page located at the top of the blog. Also, remember if you are going to need something shipped to you then add shipping to the cost of whatever it is you're getting :)