With one hand I can count the number of times I have gone to church this year. One hand.
1.) With my sister in January before she went back to Austin.
2.) By myself once to The Village.
3.) With a friend from treatment to The Village.
4.) Easter service with my parents at St. Elizabeth
5.) Tonight at Watermark.
It is almost May of 2012 and I have been to church on average once a month this year. I've realized two things this weekend:
1.) I have had two major phases of my recovery. The first phase was while in Denver which involved the physical part of recovery; re-feeding my body. The second phase I am currently in which is Renfrew and the phase where I have been working so hard on my mental and emotional side of all this treatment and recovery stuff. The third phase is what I realized is waiting for me (patiently) to turn around and stare straight in the eyes, the spiritual side. I have done everything in my power to keep my back turned to the Jesus and church and fellowship phase and yesterday it occurred to me that if I don't turn around then I think this is the spot I will remain in mentally and physically until I slowly start to fall back into the first stage. I have to face God. I have to.
2.) Without fail, I would say at least 3 and possibly 4 times out of the 5 that I have gone to church I get a hurt in my heart so strong that tears start to flood my eyelids and every ounce of my body is telling me to crawl into bed and forget church.
I realized the second realization this afternoon when I was cleaning the bathroom and my room. I intentionally showered and got ready for church this morning so I could worry about one less thing as it got closer to the service time. I had a good three hours in between lunch and church so I figured I'd go do some self care (which is hard enough as it is) and get my nails and eyebrows/lips done. That way I would be preoccupied until it came time to head to the church. Well, of course they can't fit me in until 4 which would be pushing it so I head back home and am left with my emotions that showed up about an hour after leaving the nail place.
This hurt that I feel is almost impossible to describe because honestly I can't even tell if it's conviction, anger, resentment, envy, hate or just the Holy Spirit be present. Going to a church here in Dallas, alone, reminds me of what I have left behind in Austin and even San Antonio. It reminds me of the fellowship that I had through Phi Lamb, Austin Stone, my friends and roommates. It reminds me of the year and a half that I spend searching for a church home and when I finally found it I had to leave Austin. It reminds me that I used to go to church and see familiar faces and friends that would give me huge hugs and ask me to come sit by them. It reminds me of UT and my life that I had there is no longer a part of my life. It reminds me that I'm alone and that I really don't have many friends here in Plano and Dallas.
I know that a lot of the tears and pain are in result of the resentment that I hold so deep down in my heart towards God or my first therapist at Renfrew, I don't know who I am more angry at. I still don't understand why God would put a Jesus loving therapist in my life who was just so passionate about biblically counseling and then take her away just like that. She of course attended the church that I wanted to become apart of while she was still at Renfrew but when she left, my anger spread from God and her to the church that she attended as well. So when Sunday comes around I battle in my head constantly about what church and which service to go to because I so desperately want to avoid her but at the same time I so desperately want to run into her and for HER to come to me first and embrace me. I feel very much abandoned and I know that is not the case whatsoever but I can't help but feel it and therefore I feel as if this particular church is a scary place for me because I don't have any closure I don't think.
This is a lot of rambling, I get that but I could hardly make it through the service tonight without falling to my knees weeping. And honestly, I don't even think it would be weeping for a relationship with Jesus but it would be weeping from the pain I feel in my heart from God and the church. I know that this is why I haven't faced the spiritual side of my life because it is painful and I can hardly face it for an hour and a half without wanting to crawl in a dark hole somewhere.
At this moment in time thinking about going to church or celebrate recovery or whatever brings me more sadness and loneliness than I feel at ANY other time of the week. And I know that isn't how community and fellowship is suppose to be because I've experienced Jesus and brothers and sisters of Christ and worship and scripture and conviction and all of those things do not equal the sense of loneliness that I feel now. I don't know how to get past it or how to let the anger and hate be released from my heart. My heart is in a dark place and I'm afraid that it's going to have to go through an even darker place before I am able to experience the kind of freedom, love and peace that the church and God supply to their followers, the comfort of knowing that they are not alone.
I guess that I just plead to whoever reads this post that you would pray for my heart to soften towards whomever it is I am so angry at. That church would become a safe place for me again and that there are girls around me here in Dallas that do love and care about me, it's just a matter of me choosing to trust them and let them in. I want a relationship with God again I really do and I don't want to be on strike and I'm NOT on strike but I feel like a small child waiting at the doorsteps of a huge brick wall and those on the other side of this wall will never hear my faint knocks at the door because I am too small and they are too great. I want Jesus and I want fellowship, I'm craving it but I need help in making those steps.
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