Pilot: The Development of Caitlan's Eating Disorder

I was asked by an anonymous follower how my eating disorder developed. Yesterday afternoon I spent a good solid hour tying out a novel of a post about how my ed was born and engrained into my brain and life. I posted it and then within a matter of ehh maybe five minutes I took it down and twenty five hours later here I am, writing out a new post. I have the original one saved for future use or maybe for no reason at all but I have it saved none the less.

My reason for starting over you ask?

Let me ask you to either ponder this if you aren't a mother or answer the question if you are a mother: How long would it take you to write the story of birthing your first born? And I don't just mean the labor, I mean when you met your spouse/partner/baby's daddy fell in love, decided to have a baby or didn't decide to have a baby, the nine months of preparation and building anticipation and anxiety and then in a matter of hours your life is changed for the remainder of your years on this earth. I am going to make a pretty confident guess that you could write a novel on that story and who knows maybe even a sequel for baby numero dos!

So are you getting my point? By typing out how my eating disorder developed into one post isn't fair for myself, others involved, YOU the reader and my eating disorder and I would even say my recovery. I have no problem talking about how it developed but I want it to be more detailed than a rough sketch of those crucial years in high school. I want it to be clear to you as you read through the words of the story that has changed my life forever. If nothing else I want it to make sense on the level that anyone can relate to. Eating disorders do not discriminate. They don't only develop in the model and athletic industry. They don't only develop with girls. You don't have to be skin and bones to have an eating disorder. You can be any color in the rainbow and develop an eating disorder! You can love any gender or both genders or no genders and still get an eating disorder. You can be four years old or seventy four years old and the eating disorder is still able to grab hold of you. There is no rule saying that you have to have a background of trauma in your life. Whether that is physical, emotional, sexual or verbal abuse, an eating disorder can attack the abused and attack those who have never experienced such trauma.

Developing an eating disorder can happen to absolutely anyone. They don't care who you are, where you've been, where you are going and how long you are going to live. They trick you into being their best friends, telling you that they have your back, they will always be there and that they can be trusted. But when it comes to the point where you are lying in the hospital bed hooked up to a feeding tube, the only thing keeping you alive, the eating disorder has no sympathy for you or the fact that you are about to die. He will then go find someone else to cling onto.

That was deep, I get that but I just want everyone to understand how you aren't invincible from developing an eating disorder just because you like to eat. I liked to eat too, before my eating disorder I enjoyed food and meal time. I was the girl that swore I would never get an eating disorder because I loved food too much. So over my next few posts I will be doing a "series" on the development of my eating disorder. Piece by piece I will go through the stages and dig into a deeper level, a real level so you my faithful friends can maybe find something to relate to and then maybe catch yourself before falling down a slippery slope or see the signs in a friend or family member. Stories are a powerful thing if you choose to let them be. I am giving you permission to use my story, my suffering and my recovery journey to help not only yourself but those that are around you on a daily basis.

So to my anonymous reader who asked this question sit back and enjoy the next few posts on the development of my eating disorder. Until next time you all be good and sweet. Questions, comments or concerns? Let me know!

With Love.