As I was watching X-Factor this evening and totally becoming more obsessed with Demi Lovato, I couldn't help but envy those who can sing. I don't envy them because they have the ability to open there mouth and produce beauty but because they are going after their dreams with ambition and it is noticeable and a tangible dream. You watch the TV and hear their stories with dramatic music playing in the background with an off centered shot of their face with tears streaming down and I can't help but want that. I already have the tears but I want to get to a point where I can say, "I did it. I am here because I fought hard to be here and I'm going after my dreams and everyone here today can see that." I catch myself day dreaming about what type of background music would go with my story, my tears and my heart felt emotions and love for my dreams. Just as my fantasy feels even more real it is interrupted with the voice of Addiction, Failure and Self Doubt. Soon my moment is just a shattered dream with little hope for it becoming a reality. My tears then fall silently, while the sound of Pandora drowns out in the background.
I had a post written a few days ago, Sunday to be exact. It was a "women power hear me roar" kinda post. I never actually published it to my blog because it wasn't going to mean anything until my conversation with my parents happened and was as successful as I had hoped. You can probably guess what happened since the post never appeared and I am in the process of creating a new blog. The support that I was so desperately wanting and needing was shot down. Deep down I think I knew that this was going to be their response and yet it burned just as badly as every other time I have come to them for support. We view treatment differently. We view recovery different and because of this we will never see eye to eye on certain things. My parents say they know what is best for me, rather me knowing what is best for me. They call the shots, which is fair I guess, considering it's their insurance and money. But when your support says no to something you feel you need the knife digs in deep in your heart.
My drafted post was a positive one, one saying how I was ready to recover and take that next step. My next step was squashed, leaving me even more alone then before. I will no longer try to seek out my parents help when considering treatment options because it only proves the eating disorder voice is right and my rational voice is wrong. So the new next step is for me to move out. I have looked at an apartment complex and will continue searching with the goal of moving out early November. My heart is heavy tonight because my dreams have turned into a jumble of a mess and I can't picture my background song and story being shared with an off centered camera shot. I can't picture anything outside of my own little prison I have created for myself.
So until next time. I will keep moving forward, me myself and I. I will smile at work, during the day, to strangers and make it through the day, no matter the weight on my shoulders. And I will continue to seek out my dreams, my God and my want for recovery.
1 comment:
A few thoughts for you. I hope this isn't too forward, since I obviously don't know anything about the actual situation, but I do have the benefit of perspective, having been in your shoes several years ago.
Don't confuse misunderstanding and frustration for a lack of support and love. Unless you've been there, you can't understand, and once I realized it was unfair and unrealistic to expect others to understand, I could let go and move on without that understanding. I found it incredibly hard to voice what I needed, in terms more specific than, "Support!" But, again, someone who's never been there can't understand what that means, much less give it. And once I stopped expecting, or even hoping, others to read my mind when I couldn't even read it myself, I could come to peace with what others were able to give me, and more importantly, what they could not. And, I was able to spend my energy on identifying exactly what I wanted and needed, rather than raging against everyone who disappointed me by not providing it.
That said, unfortunately, you're an addict, and it's really not unfair when someone treats you as such. You have to prove, really prove, that you mean what you say. You're starting off every conversation about recovery with less credibility than you think you are, simply because you have an eating disorder warping your thoughts and words. People only believe that THIS time is different when they actually see results. Which, unfortunately again, is after you've already done the hard part.
So, what I guess this boils down to, is, you can surround yourself with support, but it's still up to you. The flip side is, you can be without support, and it's still up to you. I chased so many external factors that had to be in place before I could really "embark on my recovery journey" but really, they didn't matter. It's like waiting years for your life to begin, when it's really been happening around you the whole time.
Your parents probably love you more than you realize. They're just at a loss as to what would help you the best. Tough love? Unconditional support? The perfect combination of support, treatment dollars, and backing off to let you do your thing? They're probably trying to change up their tactics, trying something new to see if that could make a difference and help you along.
I'm still building my life. For most people, there's no big defining moment like you describe in this post. Life has been a series of SMALL puzzle pieces, all fitting together somehow in a jumble. There's probably not going to be a magic moment, other than perhaps a rock bottom one, so don't wait around for that. Life is a clawing your way through the woods step by step, not a searching for the path to whisk you easily through it all.
I know that sounds a bit cliche, and I know this comment isn't especially cohesive. But I've been thinking about your post for awhile and had a few of these thoughts rattling around in my head. If anything is helpful, take it, otherwise, leave it as the musings of an internet stranger.
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