Three Weeks.

Friends, it has been far too long since my last post! I feel like there is so much I want to talk about and vent about in this post because I am still without a therapist and dietitian. I have in deed found my new psychiatrist and LOVE him! I went yesterday and all the staff in the office is so nice, his nurse assistant or whatever you call her is great and he is laid back, funny and down to earth. What a relief knowing that one piece of my treatment team is now set in stone. As for the therapist and dietitian those are still a work in progress annnddd I feel like I'm dying to be honest. I need my treatment team. I miss Shele and Michelle and the staff and Renfrew and the girls. I'm still lonely and more so now that I don't even have a therapist. I have allowed myself to "numb out" these past few weeks in order to get through them without having any emotional breakdowns. I am not sure how healthy that is but I don't feel I have many other choices.

I have gone to ReGeneration (Celebrate Recovery) at Watermark three weeks in a row! I even attended by myself last night ;) Go me!! ReGeneration is not like anything I have ever been to in my life. Sitting in a church full of adults, both men and women all church going, Jesus loving people boldly proclaiming that they are believers and yet they still struggle with sin and addictions. Every person who comes to speak into the mic or introduces themselves to the group states their name and that they are a believer who struggles with ______. It's unreal. I stand in awe seeing grown men and women sharing that they struggle with lust, chemical dependency, porn, alcohol, codependency etc. It's almost a relief for me to see these people and watch their tears fall and hear their stories of redemption. I'm always talking about how as Christians we too struggle and we are nowhere close to being perfect but it's as if I didn't believe it for myself. Honestly, I still don't know if I believe it. I'm still trying to be perfect, have it all together, get my life in order, and while doing all that I'm putting on a good appearance and mask for everyone else. I feel like a part of something when I go on Monday nights. I enjoy hearing testimonies, worshipping with people who are not hiding their dirt and getting the chance to share my voice in a group without having to get any feedback but, "thanks for sharing, Caitlan".

I don't know if God can heal me. I don't know if I'm ready for Him to heal me. That's the honest truth. I'm scared of trusting Him with my life because I feel as if I've always done everything right in my life and this is what He is giving me in return. Trusting someone that you can't hear or see and someone who planned out your life of addiction and sin is nowhere close to easy. But I'm doing it. I've gone three weeks in a row. I've allowed myself to praise and sing aloud during worship, I've allowed myself to write down prayer requests for the group leaders, I've allowed myself to speak in the group and I have allowed myself to verbally say I don't know if I'm ready for God to change my heart. I want to want Him to heal me, I want to want that. So am I where I would like to be with my spiritual journey? Absolutely not. I still haven't opened my Bible except when I'm at church, I still haven't prayed on my own and I haven't journaled any. But I have gone to regeneration three weeks in a row. I have gotten myself into the habit of going to a biblically based 12 step program and I have opened up my heart the tiny amount needed to hear others stories of grace and love from God.

I'm lonely, I want to cry in someone's arms and I feel as if I have lost many friendships and relationships over the past year and a half but one thing I can say that is positive and that I'm proud of is I have attended a God centered group/study for three weeks in a row and for that I give all the credit and glory to God and I am very grateful.

My name is Caitlan Salerno. 

I am a believer in Jesus Christ who struggles with;

an eating disorder, anxiety, depression, self harm and codependency.