I Need A Panic Room

Apparently recovery has reoccurring plateaus of highs and lows. No one mentioned this part to me. I understood that this wasn't going to be easy by any means but I guess it never crossed my mind that there were going to be lows as low as I've been experiencing these past few days. The girls and the staff keep telling me how this will pass and I will hit a high point where I am feeling great and confident in my treatment process and then I will swoop back down to a low. Well, this "process" is f-ing ridiculous. I'm sorry for the language but if you want the real and honest Caitlan right now then here I am…angry.

My meal plan has been increased twice in the last week and I am in sheer panic. Actually, panicking might be an understatement because I am GOING CRAZY! I have zero control and as long as I am in treatment anything that I was controlling back home no longer has a possibility of showing up in my life. Mikki, my therapist, says that since I no longer have the control that I'm used to I am now desperately searching for something I can control and so that has resulted in me analyzing myself and my body image. So maybe you can read between the lines and maybe you can't but my thoughts have been so wrapped up around my body image that I am literally crawling out of my skin. I have started gaining some weight and I know my clothes are starting to fit differently and once again, I am panicking. It doesn't matter whether I eat my meals or not because if I don't then I will have to boost for them and that is still the same amount of calories if I were to have eaten the solid food. I am not allowed to exercise and again, I'm panicking! The amount of anxiety I have bottled up inside of me is unreal. I literally feel like a mexican jumping bean. I pace back and forth, I read a few pages of a book and then have to reread them because I can't concentrate, I change my sitting positions every twenty seconds and struggle through any relaxation or mindfulness practices. If any of my treatment team dares to open my lid to find out how I am doing then I go off in a panicked frenzy talking a million miles an hour about who knows what and the only way to shut me up is if they literally raise their voice to get my attention. Did I say I was panicking?

So that is where I am currently. A shit hole really but if I decide to trust the other girls and my team than I should be hitting a high at some point. I want to get on a plane and fly home, get back into school and Phi Lamb. I want to go back to my eating habits and I want to go back to avoiding all of my emotions and feelings and controlling everything because that is WAY more enticing than where I am now. Prayers would be appreciate as I struggle through this rough patch of body changes, meal plan changes and emotions surfacing after years of being stuffed way down deep. If you could pray that I would have a change of heart about what I want and why I am here and that recovery is worth it because now any light that I had seen before has been covered back up. I want to see the light.

Week Numero Dos

Hello lovelies! How are we doing? How has school been so far? I know UT started yesterday (Wednesday) so many of my Austin-ites are back and running with homework, projects and papers. I'm jealous to say the least. But I've been learning that in order to be healthy and recovered sacrifices have to be made as well as choices, whether I like them or not. All I can do is pray that one day I will look back and see the beauty in my choices, smile and know that I made the better choice.

This week has actually flown by rather quickly! I haven't figured out yet if the second week is easier or harder than the first. I guess in the aspect of meeting people, learning the schedule and getting your body used to the normalcy of food the first week is much harder. But the second week you sorta start to feel emotions come up that you haven't felt in a while and this sense of panic that you can't do a whole lot with except sit and wait for it to pass. The panic hit me I would say on Friday of last week and lasted through Tuesday. When I was stripped of everything in my life this past year in order to solely focus on myself and recovery I still managed to replace school with other things. Unconsciously, I began filling my life with crafting, shopping, design, fostering puppies and babysitting that I wasn't working on my recovery at all. I was in fact still pushing down all my feelings of anything down as far as they would go, in order for me to continuously feel numb. Well, now that I am here at ERC I am literally stripped of EVERYTHING; no school, no phi lamb, no leadership position, no crafting, no painting bedrooms, no thrifting and no saving animals. I am not working so I don't have the steady cash flow I had before coming here which means no seasonal shopping, no candles, no fun stationary etc. I am awake from 5:30am-about 9:30pm and in those hours I am strictly either in treatment or with the girls in treatment so we can support each other through the hours we are out for the day. I AM GOING CRAZY WITH EMOTIONS! Y'all I am like on withdrawal of pushing my emotions down and away. All I want to do is get out for a day and keep myself busy so I don't have to think about where I am, what I'm doing and how my body is changing and the world could possibly be coming to an end.

Dramatic? Okay, maybe a little but it feels like hell having to sit with and work through what I'm feeling and what it means and why I'm feeling them. Shoot it is hard work and exhausting and sometimes discouraging I must admit. By the grace of God I pushed through my "weekend rut" and am staying strong. I am pushing through each day, each emotion and each meal with the strength from God backing me up. Would I rather pretend I didn't have a problem and go back to my old ways and habits? Yes. But do I want a future where I'm alive and happy? Yes, and this yes tops the first yes. I'm willing to stay here as long as I need to be in order to feel confident to return to normalcy without falling back into behaviors and habits.

Just a small side note: We just found out where our outing will be this coming weekend. We are going to a place called, The Shoppe . It is a coffee and cupcake cafe where you get to choose your type of cupcake and then decorate yourself. Sound like a party? Well, we thought so too until we found out we have to eat it after, this would be were the "snack challenge" part comes in. This is how a conversation looks with two girls in treatment for an eating disorder going on a cupcake outing. It's okay to laugh…we find humor in a lot of our flaws as well :)

*Maddie: Did you find out where we're going for our outing this weekend?!

Me: Yep, we're going to a cafe where you can decorate cupcakes…

Maddie: YESSS!!! I AM GOING TO ROCK THIS! I LOVE decorating cupcakes!

Me: …and then you have to eat it.

Maddie: Shit.

*Given permission to use name.

Have a great Thursday :)

Week One: Check

"If information were the same as transformation the world would not be in the mess it's in now."
- God speaking through Pat (as she put it)

Pat, the lady I quoted above, is one of our Milieu Coordinators (also known as an MC). Each track has a total of three MC's each day. They are the ones who we eat meals with, check in with and lead a few of our groups. Pat is actually also the Chaplain for ERC. For the first five days of being in PHP (partial hospitalization program) you spend about 45 minutes in a group that is called Recovery 101. This Tuesday it was just me in the group and then another girl has joined us since then. So Pat was leading the group on Tuesday and as we were chatting about how I was doing with transitioning in to the program and apartments we got into how I am so knowledgable of what I should and should not be doing with my behaviors but my actions just don't match up with my thoughts. Hence Pat's quote from above. I absolutely loved it so I told her I was going to quote her and she responded with, "Oh honey don't you quote me, it all comes from God." Which is why I quoted God speaking through Pat. It's little reminders like that that God sends me reminding me that He is with me a long the path of this and that He is sending angels my way to watch over me all day and night. I challenge you to truly hear what other people have to say when they are talking to you, listen to them, hear what you have to say and learn from them, see if God is speaking through them and acknowledge that. It is quite an amazing thing, friends :)

Unfortunately, I experienced my first boost at lunch but haven't had to boost since then which would be the success in this particular situation. I felt good for the majority of the day on Tuesday. I wrote in my journal at 3:00pm that, "I was feeling pretty good :) a little full and anxious but still good! Wahoo Jesus!"

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I started writing this post a few days ago and since then have realized that there is just no way I am going to be able to write daily or even every other day so I'm changing the format of the posts. Hang in there with me sweet friends :)

It is currently Sunday evening, 6:30pm here in Denver. I have completed my first week here at the ERC. Y'all literally by the grace of God am I still here because if it weren't for Him I would have been on a flight back to Texas three days ago! This has been one of the toughest weeks of my life. Actually, the last ohh three weeks have been overall the toughest weeks but this past week is by far THE hardest. And I'm going to be honest with you, I'm struggling, big time. Every few hours I get a wave of second guessing if this is really what I want. Do I truly want to give up my eating disorder? Do I truly want to sit through this meal and eat it because I believe that I am ready to hand over my struggles and surrender all stubbornness? Am I just going through the motions or am I genuinely doing the steps for the right reasons? I do believe that I am doing the absolute best I can at this current moment in time. As I have been told over and over, it is my first week and I just cannot be hard so hard on myself or else I won't make it. But of course I am hard on myself because I want it to work, I want to be the best at recovery and be a rockstar.

These past few days have been the most challenging thus far in regards to food. I am not going into detail because that isn't the point. But for those who aren't familiar with how this works in eating disorder recovery programs I will explain in a nutshell. My dietitian Jennifer, has a healthy goal weight in mind for me. Over the next course of weeks (could be at least 5) she will be continuously upping my meal plan in order for me to put on weight. Once I have hit the goal weight she will then start to reduce the meal plan to a more normal portioned sized meal so I can then get my weight stabilized for a period of time. No one wants to be forced to gain weight. It's scary beyond words can describe and I've been having a hard time with it. Everything that I have done that has gotten me here is now being halted and reversed on me. It's like culture shock but with food. I'm being weaned onto food the same way a baby is weaned into eating solid foods. It sucks.

My goal for this coming week is to be in the Word every morning. I feel God telling me to start my mornings off in worship and scripture with the Creator of my body. To sit and listen to Him calmly soothe my fears and anxieties and to feel Him grab hold of my hand as we begin each day together and as He sits through each meal with me and every overwhelming/emotional group. He is reminding me that He is my strength and my comfort in times of stress. He is telling me not to doubt and He is reaching His hand out for me. Now, all I need to do is respond to His outstretched hands.

Prayer Requests
- That I will be willing to hear what God is telling me and willing to put actions towards my intentions of recovery and His will.
- There are many girls here who don't personally know Jesus. Pray that if it is God's will that they find Him however that may be. Pray that I am not shy about what my faith and God has done for me and is doing for me.
- Pray for all of the girls in the program (including myself) that are struggling with using behaviors at night. Nights are the hardest for all of us and the devil does what he can to make steps be taken backwards verses forwards. Pray for strength for the girls and myself to reach out for support and be willing tobe humiliated with our weaknesses. Without support this would not be possible.
Pray that I see the beauty in my body no matter the size or shape.
- And of course I am praying for each one of you in return, that God is just showering blessings upon you for being such good stewards and carrying the burdens of your sister in Christ.

Tomorrow starts at 6:00am. Week two. Let's do this shit.

Days 1 and 2

Greetings from Denver, Colorado! Day 2 has drawn to a close and I'm alive but I PROMISE you it is only by the grace of God I am. This treatment thing is NOT a walk in the park let me tell you. I mean if this were a job I would be working WAY WAY over time. Our days go from 6:45am-6:30pm 7 days a week. How am I suppose to live like this for the next few months?! But for real thank you for your prayers and support because I'm here, I'm alive and I'm eating so snap your fingers or clap your hands because y'all are awesome.

I've been trying to think how I want to go about blogging while I'm here. Because if I were to inform you on everything we would be here for hours on end. And of course I do want to keep you informed on as much as possible but I also don't want to bore you. So I'll try a few different things and see how it goes. I also want to make clear and will remind everyone of this along the way that due to confidentiality purposes if I refer to any other girls/patients in a post I will have switched the name to a fake one. And again I will continue reminding everyone of this as it happens!

Day 1: Assessments

• Woke up in Plano, Texas at 3:30am. Left DFW airport at 6:30am and checked into the ERC PHP (partial hospitalization program) at 9:30am.
• The morning was basically spent signing paperwork, getting blood drawn, getting vitals, physicals, assessments and acclimated with the facility and apartments.
• Saying goodbye to my mom was a lot harder than I had planned. I was the one doing the consoling at first and then after spendinga few hours in the center and having a meal or two I was begging her to take me with her back to Plano. Obviously, this didn't happen.
• They don't wean you into the program by any means. I was thrown into meals right off the bat. You are given a 24 hour grace period with your meals from the time you arrive. Which means you have 24 hours to not complete 100% of your meal plan. Once the 24 hour grace period is up then you have 35 minutes for meals to finish your entire meal or you have to boost for the remainder of your meal that is left. They say they do this not as punishment or a scare tactic but just so we can continue getting the calories and nutrients we need but sometimes it is just easier to drink your meal than eat it. Which is true.
• I have great roommates and apartment mates! My roommate actually leaves this Friday so I will probably be getting a new one within the next week or so. And my apartment mate leaves August 30th. And I leave…..in 25 years. Haha just kidding I obviously don't have a discharge date yet ;)

Day 2: Uncomfortableness

• Each morning is started with stripping yourself entirely of all clothes, ALL clothes, and getting weighed as well as peeing in a cup. Monday Wednesday Friday you also get your vitals taken.
• Tuesday was a lot better than Monday that is for sure. I started getting to know the girls in my "Track". I am in Track 1, which basically is the group of girls I eat with and go to group with. There are two Tracks.
• Lunch was my first "graceless" meal and I survived with eating it all. Meal time is defiantly a huge stressor for me but it is comforting knowing that every other girl that is eating at the table is feeling the exact same things as I am.
• The rules at the table during meal and snack times are pretty strict. We have to keep our napkins on the table. We can't wear sweatshirts or jackets with hoods and pockets on them in the dining hall. We can't mix certain foods together that wouldn't normally be mixed. We'll be stopped if we're cutting our food into too small of pieces or picking it apart with our hands. Which of course areall good things in the long run but boy it sure makes me want to kick someone when they tell you to stop doing a behavior.
• I met with Dr. King, the psychiatrist for ERC PHP on Tuesday night. It was totally encouraging to hear what he had to say to me. Basically in a nut shell he told me how their goal for me here is not to make me comfortable during and after meal times and in therapy sessions. Meals are going to make me feel uncomfortable and that is what you have to learn to sit with in order to get better. If they allowed me to leave meal time feeling comfortable than behaviors will continue without being addressed and interrupted. He also told me how instead of focusing on what doesn't work for me and what I don't like to focus on what IS working for me. For example: I don't like peas. This leaves me and the staff at a dead end of the road with no where to turn. If I were to say that I like yogurt than we have made a step forward with something I will eat and will feel positively about afterwards. We then have somewhere to go in the right direction. Dr. King told me that we no longer use the word can't because that leads to a dead end but we use the word can. What can I do and why is it working for me. I need to pay attention to what works and what doesn't work. It is going to take time and I'm gong to struggle and feel uncomfortable but I it's all for a better life and I'm praying it will be worth it.

Prayer Requests

• God has totally been carrying me through all of this. By the grace of God I am still waking up in the morning on time and getting to ERC with a pretty clear mind. He is providing the energy I need to make it through 12 hour days and He is allowing me to rest peacefully at night. He is providing so much love and support through others and I just have to remember to be constantly in prayer throughout the day as well as being thankful for all He is doing for me.
• I ask that you continue to pray for me as Itrudge through the days. Pray that God continues to hold my hands through the uncomfortableness and anxiety. Pray that He will continue revealing Himself through this process and reassuring me that this is where I am suppose to be.
• If you could pray for all of the girls that are in ERC with me. Each one of us are struggling in our own ways, both different and similar. Pray that they continue fighting and pushing through the pain and struggles. Pray for the girls that have husbands and kids that they left behind to get their lives back. Pray for those who don't know Jesus and who aren't religious. Pray that they find Jesus however He wants that to be.
• Finally, pray for the staff here at ERC. Pray that they are given the wisdom, patience and love to care for us properly and to their bestabilities.
• In return I am praying for each one of you, for God to bless you in return for your prayers and support for me.

Meet Dr. King, the ERC adult partial hospitalization medical director and psychiatrist.

The Last Supper

I have named this past week "The Last Supper" in result of my last seven days of "distorted freedom". Basically, The Last Supper consists of latte's from The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, mass amounts of retail therapy, living off of ice cream (no joke), Sonic's diet cherry limeades and being stubborn towards Alison THE dietitian. Oh and a little thing called alcohol that I won't be able to consume over the next few months.

Retail and design therapy :)

Although the last two weeks have been nothing but insane, emotional and exhausting God has absolutely laid out everything perfectly with me leaving Austin. From finding someone to rent my room out to my parents being complete rock stars, He has proven that His hands are all over this next step in my life. He has placed support, friends and family at every step of the way, each turn of a corner and every melt down that I've experienced within the last 14 days of chaos. He has been good so so good.

Tomorrow is my Dad's 50th birthday and last day in Texas. My mom and I fly out of DFW at 6:30am on Monday morning and arrive in Denver at 8:30am. Check in at ERC is at 9:30am and from there I hit the ground running with assessments for the remainder of the day. As Joanna, my intake coordinator, was reading me the itinerary for Monday I was calmly writing everything down as she told me; dietitian assessment, get your physical, move in your things etc. and then the next thing she said stopped me cold in my tracks…lunch! What?! Lunch? Who eats that? These people make you eat lunch at a certain time…on my first day before 2:30pm? And then she had the nerve to tell me that there was going to be dinner! To say the least these next few months are not going to be a walk in the park that is for sure. There will be tears, anger, joy, shame, excitement and (hopefully) laughs but I'm banking on the words of my friends and family that it is all going to be worth it. Hahaha :) It will be I know that and I know God has been faithful up to this point in time so there is no reason to think He's gonna leave me hanging…at least He better not ;)

Okay friends we (well, I am but I like to think you're doing it with me) are about to take the giant leap (maybe plunge) of faith. I'll try to write tomorrow before I peace out of Texas on Monday but if not then I shall see you on the other side probably with several "real" meals in my stomach. Oh gosh. But I promise I'll be alive and kicking.

My fabulous running buddy brought me beautiful flowers before I left Austin.

Picture Perfect

This is how I view what Monday morning is going to look like before I enter the treatment center. I tweaked it a little bit after sharing with Mari and Allicia last night.

Jesus and I will be standing in the walk way leading up to the Eating Recovery Center, which I picture and call The Big White Pearly Gates. I am on His left and He is on my right. We stop half way up the walk and look at each other. I reach out my hand to Jesus's side and say, "Jesus, let's do this shit". He then grabs my hand in return and responds with, "Hell, yeah!" We then continue our walk to the Pearly Gates, hand in hand with big grins on our faces.

I think it's picture perfect, just perfect.

Well, here we are. Sunday morning, 10:15am and I am currently sitting alone in la cassia de Avenue B. I do have all of my furniture to keep me company and a nice Coffee Bean latte as well as Pandora and Youtube. My fellow roommates left last night after we had spent hours upon hours of cleaning, packing, shifting boxes and furniture and with only a little complaining ;)...okay maybe a little more than a little complaining. It was about 9:15pm when Kaitlyn and Michelle left the house for good and then at about ohh 9:25pm is when I lost it for good. Man y'all it was like just a ton of bricks loaded with fear and emotions shot out of the sky and started pelting on me! I would say it was only a matter of time before the water works and the hyperventilating pathetically on the floor but I wasn't expecting it to arrive, like I said, in a load of bricks.

God answered a prayer yesterday of me finding someone to rent my room out for the semester while I will be away. She sounds like a complete sweet heart and as I continuously tell her how much of an answered prayer she is she continuously tells me the same thing. Friends, God is good. He knows what He is doing. After confirming her (Taryn but not Taryn Schuelke) decision and making she was okay with sharing a room with me once I returned I suddenly felt this sting of loneliness, emptiness and loss of identity. My entire life is packed in boxes and spread out between a storage unit, my car, Avenue B and pretty soon Caswell. This last week that I'm in Austin before I leave will be spent unpacking and getting settled into my new house. But what does that even mean? It won't be my room for several months, it won't be my bathroom or my house. Do I hang up my clothes in the closet? Do I hang up my picture frames and place my books on the bookshelf? I feel so empty so lost. I don't currently belong anywhere that I was in this past year. I'm not getting ready for another year of Phi Lamb, I'm not getting ready to start my senior year of school, let alone school at all. I'm not babysitting my precious children anymore and then on top of all that I will be heading off to Denver to a place unfamiliar to me for months. And while I know that I am technically not alone in this world and in my struggles I still believe I am. I have God, my mind and me are all that truly know my hurts and my thoughts and my feelings. And sometimes that does feel lonely.

I leave for Colorado on August 15th. I'll be in Austin until the 12th. Now that I have a date in my mind I am going to be honest. I don't know how I am suppose to show my feelings towards this journey. I'm terrified. That is where I stand currently, terrified. While I have shown a positive and encouraging attitude this past week I now feel a little more uncertain and hesitant. It gets harder when you see everyone moving on with their semester and lives as you sit and let someone else move into your room and use your furniture. I will rest on the fact that God DOES know what He is doing and that He DOES know what I am feeling and He DOES see what is ahead. He wants us to prosper and not fall defeated and I am determined to keep fighting no matter the amount of physical and mental exhaustion it takes on me. The Man who rose from the dead and conquered the grave lives in me. That right there is motivation enough.

So It Begins..

Here's the deal. Life is currently crazy, not that I'm the only one in this boat...I'm moving out of Avenue B today and into Caswell tomorrow and in the mean time having to keep my furniture at Avenue B because I won't have anywhere for it to go for less than 24 hours. So tomorrow will consist of the heavy lifting, loading and grunting of furniture moving.

I am mortified at how sad my blog is looking these days. I got tired of one look and decided to try something new and classy all on my own. That was a fail. Let's just face it, you can't become a famous blogger when you don't grab your readers attention by the look of your blog at FIRST glance. We all judge books by there covers and with blogs it just isn't anything different. In conclusion I have someone who will be designing by blog site for me :) She's fabulous with photography and computer stuff so I've hired her. Wahoo! I'm pumped!

Okay well I'm gonna try and do some car loading while it's still only 100 degrees outside. I'll write more later huh hopefully tomorrow but if not Monday for sure! Be good friends and don't melt!

Michelle, my roommate, just put this song on...our move out music for the day. Guess I should get up and be productive...it's now 101 outside I'm sure.

ASS-essments

I'm sorry but I really just couldn't help myself with the title. It is the honest truth though, assessments are a pain in the ass. Obviously, they are necessary when it comes to being placed with a counselor, doctor, treatment program, job and so on and so on but after you do about ohhh 88 of them you start getting tired of them. My favorite line of the person giving the assessment is, "Thank you for sharing all of that with me. I know it isn't easy telling someone you have never met such personal things." My response is then, "Yeah well after about the 32nd time of answering the same questions to people I've never met you don't really freak out about it anymore." I didn't really say that but it's what I was thinking :)

If you haven't already ready between the lines I had my assessment today for the clinic in Colorado. Feel free to check it out: Eating Recovery Center ! So yes, the assessment was completed in an hour, maybe a little longer. I managed to pace back and forth our empty living room during the duration of my conversation with sweet little Joanna.

Next steps include the following:

- Release forms signed by current doctors so the clinic can chat with them.

- Blood work

- Buy first day of treatment outfit...Taryn Schuelke will be my retail therapy companion.

- Wait for an open bed

Not too shabby, yeah? I am doing my very best to only look at the positives in this adventure that lays before me. After a second guessing attack yesterday, a pint of ice cream and Allicia Garza things are looking more positive today. I pray it lasts longer than a day ;)

Due to the title of this post I can't help but post this video for you to watch or maybe just listen to, I'll let you decide. Jennifer Lopez has a big "rear end" and she can dance, period. No adjective can describe her dancing. One day I will be able to move my hips like hers...one day.

Steps of Faith

Precious friends of mine,

I feel like writing this post in a letter format because I can picture each and every one of you that I am writing this to. I picture those that I have known since kindergarten, or earlier. I picture those that I met in middle school and high school, those who stood by my side through the first steps in the right direction, coming out of denial. I see those who I met in college and Phi Lamb, San Antonio and Austin. Those who have stood by me during some of my darkest hours, when I was at my lowest of lows, I picture you as I write this. I picture my sister, Morgan and my fabulous family, parents, grandparents, cousins and aunts and uncles. I see my recovery team and those who I have never met but have stumbled across the blog. I see those who are also currently struggling with the same issues as myself, eating disorders, depression, anxiety and self harm, I write to you too. All of these individuals I am writing to tonight because without you I would not be writing what I am about to write. So thank you for taking the time to reach your hand out to me, I will be forever grateful and you will forever be in my heart.

After years of battling an eating disorder and years of counseling, medication, dietitian meal plans and groups I am unfortunately not where I need to be in my recovery. The little progress that is being made is moving as slow as a turtle or sloth. This is not because I am not trying or working towards recovery or a result of my therapists and recovery team here in Austin. I wouldn't be at the place I am today if it weren't for them and I wouldn't be so willing to get more help if it weren't for the love and effort that they have poured into me. The amount of energy I myself have poured into beating this has come only from the Lord. Exhaustion finds me daily from battling my mind, thoughts and habits but miraculously I am still kicking and breathing and that is not from a good nights sleep. God has been faithful in restoring my energy daily, whether I realize it at the time or not.

God has given me the peace about what He wants me to do next in my recovery process. His peace has led me to humbly fall on my knees and accept being admitted into an inpatient treatment program. After months of allowing pride, fear and denial keep me from seeking out more intensive treatment God has broken those walls and grabbed hold of my hands. It's time. I know that now is the time I need more help and that means putting my life here in Austin on pause and taking some time for my health. I have a lot I want to do with my life and as long as I continue to allow my eating disorder to control my life I won't be able to accomplish anything. I'm ready to have healthy relationships with friends. I'm ready to want to date and get married and picture myself with kids. I'm ready to teach children and have a full time job. Shoot I'm ready to graduate college! I guess we should start with that first haha :)

I tell you these things on the world wide web because the point of was my blog was to be raw with you. Show you that I am not perfect, nobody is perfect and that freedom is possible from chains that have been on for so long. Although I still don't know what that freedom looks or feel like I am willing to do whatever it takes to find out, even if that means moving out of state for a few months. Am I scared? Yes, I'm terrified. But I'm taking a step of faith, actually more like a giant freaking leap of faith but all the same I'm trusting that God is going to have His hand on this journey that He has set before me.

There is a good chance I will be in Colorado for 6-8 weeks as early as sometime next week. Things are moving fast and that scares me even more. So I ask that you join me in prayer for God to continue to give me peace about this decision, to calm any anxiety that I may feel, for my parents as they work with insurance and the finances, my future counselors and doctors and for future friendships that will be formed in treatment, that God will shine through me to those who don't know Him. I will continue blogging for as long as I can and will update you once I find out more information. We serve a mighty God, a healing God and a loving God. I trust my life in His hands and that is all that matters. One day at a time, one hour at a time and one choice at a time is what will get me to the finish line of freedom and recovery. I thank each and everyone of you for your support. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you.

love.love.love,

Caitlan