Week One: Check

"If information were the same as transformation the world would not be in the mess it's in now."
- God speaking through Pat (as she put it)

Pat, the lady I quoted above, is one of our Milieu Coordinators (also known as an MC). Each track has a total of three MC's each day. They are the ones who we eat meals with, check in with and lead a few of our groups. Pat is actually also the Chaplain for ERC. For the first five days of being in PHP (partial hospitalization program) you spend about 45 minutes in a group that is called Recovery 101. This Tuesday it was just me in the group and then another girl has joined us since then. So Pat was leading the group on Tuesday and as we were chatting about how I was doing with transitioning in to the program and apartments we got into how I am so knowledgable of what I should and should not be doing with my behaviors but my actions just don't match up with my thoughts. Hence Pat's quote from above. I absolutely loved it so I told her I was going to quote her and she responded with, "Oh honey don't you quote me, it all comes from God." Which is why I quoted God speaking through Pat. It's little reminders like that that God sends me reminding me that He is with me a long the path of this and that He is sending angels my way to watch over me all day and night. I challenge you to truly hear what other people have to say when they are talking to you, listen to them, hear what you have to say and learn from them, see if God is speaking through them and acknowledge that. It is quite an amazing thing, friends :)

Unfortunately, I experienced my first boost at lunch but haven't had to boost since then which would be the success in this particular situation. I felt good for the majority of the day on Tuesday. I wrote in my journal at 3:00pm that, "I was feeling pretty good :) a little full and anxious but still good! Wahoo Jesus!"

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I started writing this post a few days ago and since then have realized that there is just no way I am going to be able to write daily or even every other day so I'm changing the format of the posts. Hang in there with me sweet friends :)

It is currently Sunday evening, 6:30pm here in Denver. I have completed my first week here at the ERC. Y'all literally by the grace of God am I still here because if it weren't for Him I would have been on a flight back to Texas three days ago! This has been one of the toughest weeks of my life. Actually, the last ohh three weeks have been overall the toughest weeks but this past week is by far THE hardest. And I'm going to be honest with you, I'm struggling, big time. Every few hours I get a wave of second guessing if this is really what I want. Do I truly want to give up my eating disorder? Do I truly want to sit through this meal and eat it because I believe that I am ready to hand over my struggles and surrender all stubbornness? Am I just going through the motions or am I genuinely doing the steps for the right reasons? I do believe that I am doing the absolute best I can at this current moment in time. As I have been told over and over, it is my first week and I just cannot be hard so hard on myself or else I won't make it. But of course I am hard on myself because I want it to work, I want to be the best at recovery and be a rockstar.

These past few days have been the most challenging thus far in regards to food. I am not going into detail because that isn't the point. But for those who aren't familiar with how this works in eating disorder recovery programs I will explain in a nutshell. My dietitian Jennifer, has a healthy goal weight in mind for me. Over the next course of weeks (could be at least 5) she will be continuously upping my meal plan in order for me to put on weight. Once I have hit the goal weight she will then start to reduce the meal plan to a more normal portioned sized meal so I can then get my weight stabilized for a period of time. No one wants to be forced to gain weight. It's scary beyond words can describe and I've been having a hard time with it. Everything that I have done that has gotten me here is now being halted and reversed on me. It's like culture shock but with food. I'm being weaned onto food the same way a baby is weaned into eating solid foods. It sucks.

My goal for this coming week is to be in the Word every morning. I feel God telling me to start my mornings off in worship and scripture with the Creator of my body. To sit and listen to Him calmly soothe my fears and anxieties and to feel Him grab hold of my hand as we begin each day together and as He sits through each meal with me and every overwhelming/emotional group. He is reminding me that He is my strength and my comfort in times of stress. He is telling me not to doubt and He is reaching His hand out for me. Now, all I need to do is respond to His outstretched hands.

Prayer Requests
- That I will be willing to hear what God is telling me and willing to put actions towards my intentions of recovery and His will.
- There are many girls here who don't personally know Jesus. Pray that if it is God's will that they find Him however that may be. Pray that I am not shy about what my faith and God has done for me and is doing for me.
- Pray for all of the girls in the program (including myself) that are struggling with using behaviors at night. Nights are the hardest for all of us and the devil does what he can to make steps be taken backwards verses forwards. Pray for strength for the girls and myself to reach out for support and be willing tobe humiliated with our weaknesses. Without support this would not be possible.
Pray that I see the beauty in my body no matter the size or shape.
- And of course I am praying for each one of you in return, that God is just showering blessings upon you for being such good stewards and carrying the burdens of your sister in Christ.

Tomorrow starts at 6:00am. Week two. Let's do this shit.