Hello lovelies! How are we doing? How has school been so far? I know UT started yesterday (Wednesday) so many of my Austin-ites are back and running with homework, projects and papers. I'm jealous to say the least. But I've been learning that in order to be healthy and recovered sacrifices have to be made as well as choices, whether I like them or not. All I can do is pray that one day I will look back and see the beauty in my choices, smile and know that I made the better choice.
This week has actually flown by rather quickly! I haven't figured out yet if the second week is easier or harder than the first. I guess in the aspect of meeting people, learning the schedule and getting your body used to the normalcy of food the first week is much harder. But the second week you sorta start to feel emotions come up that you haven't felt in a while and this sense of panic that you can't do a whole lot with except sit and wait for it to pass. The panic hit me I would say on Friday of last week and lasted through Tuesday. When I was stripped of everything in my life this past year in order to solely focus on myself and recovery I still managed to replace school with other things. Unconsciously, I began filling my life with crafting, shopping, design, fostering puppies and babysitting that I wasn't working on my recovery at all. I was in fact still pushing down all my feelings of anything down as far as they would go, in order for me to continuously feel numb. Well, now that I am here at ERC I am literally stripped of EVERYTHING; no school, no phi lamb, no leadership position, no crafting, no painting bedrooms, no thrifting and no saving animals. I am not working so I don't have the steady cash flow I had before coming here which means no seasonal shopping, no candles, no fun stationary etc. I am awake from 5:30am-about 9:30pm and in those hours I am strictly either in treatment or with the girls in treatment so we can support each other through the hours we are out for the day. I AM GOING CRAZY WITH EMOTIONS! Y'all I am like on withdrawal of pushing my emotions down and away. All I want to do is get out for a day and keep myself busy so I don't have to think about where I am, what I'm doing and how my body is changing and the world could possibly be coming to an end.
Dramatic? Okay, maybe a little but it feels like hell having to sit with and work through what I'm feeling and what it means and why I'm feeling them. Shoot it is hard work and exhausting and sometimes discouraging I must admit. By the grace of God I pushed through my "weekend rut" and am staying strong. I am pushing through each day, each emotion and each meal with the strength from God backing me up. Would I rather pretend I didn't have a problem and go back to my old ways and habits? Yes. But do I want a future where I'm alive and happy? Yes, and this yes tops the first yes. I'm willing to stay here as long as I need to be in order to feel confident to return to normalcy without falling back into behaviors and habits.
Just a small side note: We just found out where our outing will be this coming weekend. We are going to a place called, The Shoppe . It is a coffee and cupcake cafe where you get to choose your type of cupcake and then decorate yourself. Sound like a party? Well, we thought so too until we found out we have to eat it after, this would be were the "snack challenge" part comes in. This is how a conversation looks with two girls in treatment for an eating disorder going on a cupcake outing. It's okay to laugh…we find humor in a lot of our flaws as well :)
*Maddie: Did you find out where we're going for our outing this weekend?!
Me: Yep, we're going to a cafe where you can decorate cupcakes…
Maddie: YESSS!!! I AM GOING TO ROCK THIS! I LOVE decorating cupcakes!
Me: …and then you have to eat it.
Maddie: Shit.
*Given permission to use name.
Have a great Thursday :)
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