Sweetly Broken

Well, here we are. Sunday morning, 10:15am and I am currently sitting alone in la cassia de Avenue B. I do have all of my furniture to keep me company and a nice Coffee Bean latte as well as Pandora and Youtube. My fellow roommates left last night after we had spent hours upon hours of cleaning, packing, shifting boxes and furniture and with only a little complaining ;)...okay maybe a little more than a little complaining. It was about 9:15pm when Kaitlyn and Michelle left the house for good and then at about ohh 9:25pm is when I lost it for good. Man y'all it was like just a ton of bricks loaded with fear and emotions shot out of the sky and started pelting on me! I would say it was only a matter of time before the water works and the hyperventilating pathetically on the floor but I wasn't expecting it to arrive, like I said, in a load of bricks.

God answered a prayer yesterday of me finding someone to rent my room out for the semester while I will be away. She sounds like a complete sweet heart and as I continuously tell her how much of an answered prayer she is she continuously tells me the same thing. Friends, God is good. He knows what He is doing. After confirming her (Taryn but not Taryn Schuelke) decision and making she was okay with sharing a room with me once I returned I suddenly felt this sting of loneliness, emptiness and loss of identity. My entire life is packed in boxes and spread out between a storage unit, my car, Avenue B and pretty soon Caswell. This last week that I'm in Austin before I leave will be spent unpacking and getting settled into my new house. But what does that even mean? It won't be my room for several months, it won't be my bathroom or my house. Do I hang up my clothes in the closet? Do I hang up my picture frames and place my books on the bookshelf? I feel so empty so lost. I don't currently belong anywhere that I was in this past year. I'm not getting ready for another year of Phi Lamb, I'm not getting ready to start my senior year of school, let alone school at all. I'm not babysitting my precious children anymore and then on top of all that I will be heading off to Denver to a place unfamiliar to me for months. And while I know that I am technically not alone in this world and in my struggles I still believe I am. I have God, my mind and me are all that truly know my hurts and my thoughts and my feelings. And sometimes that does feel lonely.

I leave for Colorado on August 15th. I'll be in Austin until the 12th. Now that I have a date in my mind I am going to be honest. I don't know how I am suppose to show my feelings towards this journey. I'm terrified. That is where I stand currently, terrified. While I have shown a positive and encouraging attitude this past week I now feel a little more uncertain and hesitant. It gets harder when you see everyone moving on with their semester and lives as you sit and let someone else move into your room and use your furniture. I will rest on the fact that God DOES know what He is doing and that He DOES know what I am feeling and He DOES see what is ahead. He wants us to prosper and not fall defeated and I am determined to keep fighting no matter the amount of physical and mental exhaustion it takes on me. The Man who rose from the dead and conquered the grave lives in me. That right there is motivation enough.