I feel like writing this post in a letter format because I can picture each and every one of you that I am writing this to. I picture those that I have known since kindergarten, or earlier. I picture those that I met in middle school and high school, those who stood by my side through the first steps in the right direction, coming out of denial. I see those who I met in college and Phi Lamb, San Antonio and Austin. Those who have stood by me during some of my darkest hours, when I was at my lowest of lows, I picture you as I write this. I picture my sister, Morgan and my fabulous family, parents, grandparents, cousins and aunts and uncles. I see my recovery team and those who I have never met but have stumbled across the blog. I see those who are also currently struggling with the same issues as myself, eating disorders, depression, anxiety and self harm, I write to you too. All of these individuals I am writing to tonight because without you I would not be writing what I am about to write. So thank you for taking the time to reach your hand out to me, I will be forever grateful and you will forever be in my heart.
After years of battling an eating disorder and years of counseling, medication, dietitian meal plans and groups I am unfortunately not where I need to be in my recovery. The little progress that is being made is moving as slow as a turtle or sloth. This is not because I am not trying or working towards recovery or a result of my therapists and recovery team here in Austin. I wouldn't be at the place I am today if it weren't for them and I wouldn't be so willing to get more help if it weren't for the love and effort that they have poured into me. The amount of energy I myself have poured into beating this has come only from the Lord. Exhaustion finds me daily from battling my mind, thoughts and habits but miraculously I am still kicking and breathing and that is not from a good nights sleep. God has been faithful in restoring my energy daily, whether I realize it at the time or not.
God has given me the peace about what He wants me to do next in my recovery process. His peace has led me to humbly fall on my knees and accept being admitted into an inpatient treatment program. After months of allowing pride, fear and denial keep me from seeking out more intensive treatment God has broken those walls and grabbed hold of my hands. It's time. I know that now is the time I need more help and that means putting my life here in Austin on pause and taking some time for my health. I have a lot I want to do with my life and as long as I continue to allow my eating disorder to control my life I won't be able to accomplish anything. I'm ready to have healthy relationships with friends. I'm ready to want to date and get married and picture myself with kids. I'm ready to teach children and have a full time job. Shoot I'm ready to graduate college! I guess we should start with that first haha :)
I tell you these things on the world wide web because the point of was my blog was to be raw with you. Show you that I am not perfect, nobody is perfect and that freedom is possible from chains that have been on for so long. Although I still don't know what that freedom looks or feel like I am willing to do whatever it takes to find out, even if that means moving out of state for a few months. Am I scared? Yes, I'm terrified. But I'm taking a step of faith, actually more like a giant freaking leap of faith but all the same I'm trusting that God is going to have His hand on this journey that He has set before me.
There is a good chance I will be in Colorado for 6-8 weeks as early as sometime next week. Things are moving fast and that scares me even more. So I ask that you join me in prayer for God to continue to give me peace about this decision, to calm any anxiety that I may feel, for my parents as they work with insurance and the finances, my future counselors and doctors and for future friendships that will be formed in treatment, that God will shine through me to those who don't know Him. I will continue blogging for as long as I can and will update you once I find out more information. We serve a mighty God, a healing God and a loving God. I trust my life in His hands and that is all that matters. One day at a time, one hour at a time and one choice at a time is what will get me to the finish line of freedom and recovery. I thank each and everyone of you for your support. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you.
love.love.love,
Caitlan
2 comments:
I've been meaning to comment on your blog since like... way back when when you asked people to comment! It always gets away from me - I want to go and reply to EVERYTHING and it's so overwhelming so I end up not commenting at all. But I had to comment on this.
It's a very very hard thing you're doing, but worth it in the end.
Congratulations for making the decision and taking the steps to put it in motion.
It was both the best and worst decision of my life. Hang in there. Just keep hanging on. Every day under your belt is a day closer to the life that the healthy part of you wants, even when it doesn't feel like it AT ALL. It will be terrible and awful and extraordinarily frightening, but that means you're where you need to be and it's working. You've got to go through the storm first before you can come out on the other side.
And you'll probably make less progress towards recovery than you think you're going to make. And you'll sob, "WHAT?! It takes YEARS to recover?! I can't do this for YEARS!" But it's not quite like that. I'd say I was only 40% better when I came out of residential after 2 months. Then, 60% when I was done with step-down after another 4 months. Then 80% when I quit therapy a year later. Then 90% after about another year when I learned to tackle life on my own without the crutch of a weekly therapy session. And now, several years after that, I'd say I'm 96% better. It's a slow process but it kind of has to be, because there's so much to learn - about yourself, feelings, recovery, setbacks, and just the basics like what "listening to your hunger cues" actually feels like. Again - every day you're there is a step closer.
I'm sending you big, virtual hugs. You're doing the right thing.
Very, very proud of you...and praying for you as well as your parents as they make arrangements for you and continue to support you in this.
Wish I could give you a big hug in person..and remind you of Jeremiah 29:11 in person.
Praying-
lori
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