Part 3: Phi Lamb

May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Romans 15:5-6

About a month ago, on a Thursday night you would have found me sitting in the parking lot of The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf with my pledge trainer and fabulous friend, Taryn. Tears streaming down my face, my hands were shaking as I held my cell phone trying to convince myself that I didn't have to make the phone call. About 20 minutes later the call was made and I had made the decision to step down from the pledge trainer position and go inactive for the remainder of the semester. My heart was broken.

I left Phi Lamb not because I wanted to but because I needed to. To this very day part of me second guesses my decision in leaving because each one of those girls mean more to me than they realize. God had been slowly telling me throughout the fall semester, winter break and even the start of the spring semester that I needed to make some sacrifices in order to better care for myself. I ignored Him. I was in denial that I wasn't in the right state to lead such precious girls and give so much of my energy and emotions to the sorority. Friends, when you ignore God for so long He will intervene and do what needs to be done, no matter how bad it is going to hurt. I chose to ignore God and he was patient with me as I did so until He said, "enough Caitlan, because I love you and you are my child I am going to do for you what you won't do for yourself and for Me." Through a series of events that led up to me falling apart in the parking lot He took my hand and walked me out of an environment that I wasn't suppose to be in at this point in my life.

Would I call it being obedient? Part of me says yes, I did what God was calling me to do. The other part of me says no, obedience would have been me taking initiative from His first message in the fall. I look at this particular phase of my recovery as the start of an intense spiritual detox. I knew God had already started stripping me of certain things in my life but I never thought the detox would include something I was (and still am) so passionate about. I now know how serious He is about me finding Him again, in a whole new way and with a whole new approach. He wants me to find my identity in Him, not in depression or food or Phi Lamb but in Him and Him alone. How could I do that if I was completely engulfed in proving myself to Him and others through Phi Lamb? I had never realized how much energy and emotion I put into Phi Lamb so I could earn my sisters love and earn God's love until God took it out of my life. The first few weeks of not coming to Monday and Tuesday night meetings I was like a lost puppy with my tail between my legs. I ran around like a crazy person cleaning, crafting, fixing, writing letters etc. to prove myself to someone, anyone! My identity was gone and I was lost.

Although I still think I'm in the middle of a quarter life crisis and still searching for my "true" self where love is given by grace, I find myself every so often panicking because I no longer have Phi Lamb to feel worthy of love and acceptance. But that is okay because God has shown me beauty through it and when I chose to call Kayla that night I chose to trust God with what was going to happen next and so far He has been faithful and has yet to let go of my hand from the night he pulled me away.

My lovely babies from fall of 2010. What a blessing these girls were for me last semester.

I like to think of the Spring PC as my ex-pledges due to me leaving two weeks in. But the understanding and support that poured out of these girls hearts was overwhelming. Thank you.

The officers. Who graciously gave me the opportunity to serve such a wonderful community of Jesus loving women. I owe so much to them, more than they know.

And of course my partners in crime. My "team". God truly blessed me with the friendships that developed over the semester of serving and loving on sweet girls.

Part 2: Approval

For by works of the law no human being will be justified in his sight, since through the law comes knowledge of sin.

Romans 3:20

The more I have searched into the deepest, darkest corners of my heart the more aware I have become of my desire to be approved and loved by those in my life. I don't feel as if I deserve to have the friends I have or the loving family I've been blessed with. Without showing my worth through my actions than I believe I am undeserving of the friendship or any love or kindness I receive from the person or group.

My entire life I have confused selflessness with need for approval through works. Throughout my four years of high school I allowed myself to be walked over because I wanted so badly to be accepted. I would bow down to anyone and everyone and make sure they were taken care of and perfectly happy before I even took a split second to check in with my own needs. At the cost of my own health I did everything possible to keep everyone else's life happy and to make sure they felt loved and cared for. Running around like a mad woman I slowly fell apart on the inside from mental exhaustion trying to keep the world spinning.

I have managed to keep this up for years. Look where it got me. Desperately searching for love and acceptance has caused me more pain and hurt than I could ever imagine. Depression and an eating disorder has taken over my life and still for the past two years I have not stopped trying to win others approval. Friends, I have tried even harder to show people that I am capable of being a good friend and be accepted even while I struggle with a shit load of baggage. I have and still do believe the lie from Satan telling me who is going to be my friend while I am in the condition that I'm in? If I don't work harder at impressing people then they really won't be your friend because you are such a mess and if you don't work harder at recovery then do you really think that God is going to heal you?

God. It wasn't until this semester that I realized I am working just has hard to win His love and acceptance as I am everyone else's. I believe I need to work hard, try harder, love more and do more in order for Him to even consider looking my direction. I don't understand grace and I don't understand that I don't need to work for God's love. I still catch myself telling myself that I'm going to just try harder and do this and that more and things will start to come together. It hurts me to think that I have spent so many years searching for His approval along with so many others by being someone that I don't even know is the real me. I don't know how to do something for myself or how to do something for someone else without thinking this will make them like me more. I want to feel God's love because He is graciously giving it to me not because I have run myself ragged trying to earn it.

This was not the most uplifting of posts but recovery is not all roses and butterflies. The story gets a little better so hang in there with me.

I am ready to word vomit. Brace yourselves.

Part 1: The Root Issue

Likewise, my brothers, you also have died to the law through the body of Christ, so that you may belong to another, to him who has been raised from the dead, in order that we may bear fruit for God.

Romans 7:4

Eating disorders are a symptom of a deeper issue. Most often they develop as a method of coping with a larger inner problem or situation. Often, this root issue isn't even known to exist by the person and the eating disorder disguises its purpose as only having to relate with food. This is false. While from the looks of those struggling with ed's (eating disorders) it has everything to do with weight, food and calories this is not the case. Sadly though those who get caught up in ed behaviors often don't uncover the root issue for many years. This can

be due to denial that there is a problem outside of the struggle with food or that for so long you have continuously shoved it further down and more under the rug that it may take layers of uncovering before you realize there is another hurt deep down in the pit of your stomach and most importantly your precious heart.

I start with this because I believe eating disorders are so mysterious to those who have never experienced them. It is not just a matter of eating lunch and then not worrying about it or just starting to eat healthy and not working out as much. If that were the case than the statistics would be decreasing and unfortunately that is not the case. Until you can see glimpses of the root it will only continue to produce sin, not living fruit of God but rather things that please Satan.

For the past five years, six years in April, I have been trying so hard to figure out what this root issue is that has destroyed my life. Six years (probably longer than this without me realizing it) this root issue has yet to be uncovered and finally God is breaking through some tough things and allowing my eyes a little more clarity to see that I am not just an insecure girl that thinks I'm overweight. It's almost a relief when you allow yourself to accept the fact that there is a deeper problem. Although there is more to just figuring out what the problem is you are able to take a deep breath because your six years of fighting that root that was producing sin, shame and hurt is starting to come up for air and sweet friends that is when the fruit of the Lord starts producing.

God is doing some crazy insane things in my life. I have so many mixed emotions about the changes taking place. Seriously, my life right now could not be more opposite then I could have EVER imagined. I'm not sure what I think about it yet but if God's the one with the life map I know I will be just fine.

I have so much I want to share but I need to digest a few things for a little while longer before I word vomit to you. But I can tell you that I had several fabulous conversations today with sweet sweet friends, I miss Phi Lamb terribly and Jesus loves you just the way you are.

You are beautiful.

Well hello there. How are we? Fantastic, yeah?

I don't have a whole lot to say at the moment. Actually, I just lied to you. There is a lot to say but I am just going to put those things on hold for the time being. More than likely I will have a new post later tonight or tomorrow, once my fate has been determined. That wasn't a joke.

So I decided a few weeks back that if I am going to be a teacher (whenever the heck that may be) I need to be up to date on kid stuff. You know, like TV shows and books and teeny bopper stars, whose cute whose not, at what age do boys stop having cooties and start having "girlfriends". To start working on this situation I have decided to read and purchase (half price books of course) all of the BlueBonnet Books for the school year of 2010-2011. That way I one, will have a nice collection for my book corner in my classroom and two, knowledge of the "in" children books.

The first book I'm reading is by Wendy Mass called, 11 Birthdays

Precious huh?

I'm about half way through the book and so far it's been pretty entertaining. I can defiantly see girls from, ohh I would say 8-11(ish) really enjoying it. Once I finish I'll let you know my final and overall review of the book. Just because I know each one of you are dying to read a book for elementary school girls ;)

Just in case you truly are interested here is the list: 2010-2011 BlueBonnet List

Kitchen/Food Frames

mama's birthday gift :)

Before...

After...

4 weeks and 6 days

Thank you Jesus!

^Click me: TWLOHA

Spent the day at The Arboretum with my family. I have officially received my first sunburn of 2011.

If you can't tell already I'm indecisive about this stupid blog. I can't stick with one look for longer than 2 days. So fear not this is my blog undressed. She will be clothed and styled hopefully by tonight :)

love.love.love

I have been so graciously allotted 10-15 minutes of "movement" (cough cough exercise) each day. Thank you Alison for being so generous.

HAHAHA this is actually quite humorous to me considering I was running 10+ miles daily for months! But we must start somewhere, correct? And if that means walking down the street and back for the next eight weeks before I can add an arm pup then so be it :)

One day I will be back in the race, one day friends :)

Grace. I'm struggling with understanding grace, applying it to my life and realizing that it is a gift. Grace is not earned by works but rather it is a beautiful gift from God. Yes, I can put that sentence together but in my heart it means nothing. I have no idea how to accept something from someone without having to prove myself or show I'm worth something. Grace has been a foreign concept to me for my entire Christian life. Unfortunately I didn't realize it was foreign until this past weekend. Now that I realize how lost I am when it comes to God's grace, I'm able to see that for years I've been lying to myself about so many things and not even realizing it.

I need God to completely change my heart. From the inside out. I need to understand this gift that I accepted eight years ago. I want to feel this perfect love God has for me without feeling like I have to prove myself to Him. I need Him to change my heart and turn my life around.

I watched Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood a few days back.

I have now added this....

...to my list of things to do before I die.

Taking The Next Step: March 6, 2011

"...in much patience, in tribulations, in needs, in distresses" - 2 Corinthians 6:4

-Oswald Chambers

When you have no vision from God, no enthusiasm left in your life, and no one watching and encouraging you, it requires the grace of Almighty God to take the next step in your devotion to Him, in the reading and studying of His Word, in your family life, or in your duty to Him. It takes much more of the grace of God, and a much greater awareness of drawing upon Him, to take that next step, than it does to preach the gospel.

Every Christian must experience the essence of the incarnation by bringing the next step down into flesh-and-blood reality and by working it out with his hands. We lose interest and give up when we have no vision, no encouragement, and no improvement, but only experience our everyday life with its trivial tasks. The thing that really testifies for God and for the people of God in the long run is steady perseverance, even when the work cannot be seen by others. And the only way to live an undefeated life is to live looking to God. Ask God to keep the eyes of your spirit open to the risen Christ, and it will be impossible for drudgery to discourage you. Never allow yourself to think that some tasks are beneath your dignity or too insignificant for you to do, and remind yourself of the example of Christ in John 13:1-17 .

I chose to take a walk the other afternoon. It was a gorgeous evening and I wanted to spend the time getting home in the fresh air verses the stuffy city bus. It gave me time to think, pray and just be in my own silence. While passing the baptist church in the neighborhood I noticed across the street a dad in his work clothes, holding a sweet baby girl in his arms while opening the car door for his young son. Tears filled my eyes and slowly flooded over and down my cheek. Oh how I want that so badly, a husband and precious children to go through life with. I yearn to be a teacher in a classroom full of eager kids and to make a difference in their lives. My mission field is not over seas but in inner cities here in the United States. I want to spread the gospel to them, be there for the teens and love on the kids who don't have it easy at home or in school. These are the things my heart aches for, the things I have been working so hard for for my entire life. Teaching has been my passion sense first grade and not once have I second guessed it. I was always the mom when playing house as a child, the "cool" mom of course. I have no dating experience because I have been waiting for the right one, the one that I knew God placed in front of me. I worked my tail off my freshman year in college so I could get to UT and graduate with a teaching degree, proudly representing the school colors. I have big dreams and I have always been confident in them. Through the years of growing up God has reassured me of those dreams and I have done the best I can to glorify Him in every decision regarding my life. And I have always told myself that in the end it will be His plan that I follow, not my own.

God is now stripping me clean, of everything and it hurts. It's like sticking a bandaid on and then just ripping it off so fast that you feel the burn for minutes after. I wouldn't say I'm in a spiritual drought because God is the ONLY constant in my life right now. He is the hope I have stored in the bottom of my heart that it will in fact be okay. I'm comforted in knowing that He knows I'm confused and that He knows what tomorrow will bring, as well as ten years from now. Am I angry that the things I love and have worked hard for are now gone? Absolutely. Am I hurt that I no longer see a future for me in teaching or getting married and having kids? Of course. Do I get lonely from the friends that have become distant over the weeks and years? Do I want answers and progress? Yes, but I have hope and I have trust. I know He will be ripping more bandaids over the rest of this semester and year and it won't be fun and it will hurt but I rest in the fact that fruit will be seen in due time.

I may be completely lost right now but my Guider has the perfect map. After dark there has to be light and after night there has to be morning. I have no idea what is in store for me in the future, literally no idea. I am living my life one day at a time. I don't have the energy to dream of a future anymore. But I have what I need to make it through the day. And for that I am grateful.

Well, crafting has been taking place on Avenue B. Here are a few peeks at what I have been wasting my time away with :)

This would be the box that my wall shelves came in. I was using it under my TV to raise it up a tad bit higher. It sorta made the whole ensemble look a little janky. So I decided to give the poor guy a makeover...

..and what do you know?! You would never be able to tell that this was a shelf box but yes, it was. My room looks just a tad bit more complete now.

Here is one of the frames I mod podged with my leftover Valentine scrap booking paper. I though it turned out pretty cute myself :) That black clump is a flower I hot glue gunned on.