I chose to take a walk the other afternoon. It was a gorgeous evening and I wanted to spend the time getting home in the fresh air verses the stuffy city bus. It gave me time to think, pray and just be in my own silence. While passing the baptist church in the neighborhood I noticed across the street a dad in his work clothes, holding a sweet baby girl in his arms while opening the car door for his young son. Tears filled my eyes and slowly flooded over and down my cheek. Oh how I want that so badly, a husband and precious children to go through life with. I yearn to be a teacher in a classroom full of eager kids and to make a difference in their lives. My mission field is not over seas but in inner cities here in the United States. I want to spread the gospel to them, be there for the teens and love on the kids who don't have it easy at home or in school. These are the things my heart aches for, the things I have been working so hard for for my entire life. Teaching has been my passion sense first grade and not once have I second guessed it. I was always the mom when playing house as a child, the "cool" mom of course. I have no dating experience because I have been waiting for the right one, the one that I knew God placed in front of me. I worked my tail off my freshman year in college so I could get to UT and graduate with a teaching degree, proudly representing the school colors. I have big dreams and I have always been confident in them. Through the years of growing up God has reassured me of those dreams and I have done the best I can to glorify Him in every decision regarding my life. And I have always told myself that in the end it will be His plan that I follow, not my own.
God is now stripping me clean, of everything and it hurts. It's like sticking a bandaid on and then just ripping it off so fast that you feel the burn for minutes after. I wouldn't say I'm in a spiritual drought because God is the ONLY constant in my life right now. He is the hope I have stored in the bottom of my heart that it will in fact be okay. I'm comforted in knowing that He knows I'm confused and that He knows what tomorrow will bring, as well as ten years from now. Am I angry that the things I love and have worked hard for are now gone? Absolutely. Am I hurt that I no longer see a future for me in teaching or getting married and having kids? Of course. Do I get lonely from the friends that have become distant over the weeks and years? Do I want answers and progress? Yes, but I have hope and I have trust. I know He will be ripping more bandaids over the rest of this semester and year and it won't be fun and it will hurt but I rest in the fact that fruit will be seen in due time.
I may be completely lost right now but my Guider has the perfect map. After dark there has to be light and after night there has to be morning. I have no idea what is in store for me in the future, literally no idea. I am living my life one day at a time. I don't have the energy to dream of a future anymore. But I have what I need to make it through the day. And for that I am grateful.
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