Sweetly Broken

Part 2: Approval

For by works of the law no human being will be justified in his sight, since through the law comes knowledge of sin.

Romans 3:20

The more I have searched into the deepest, darkest corners of my heart the more aware I have become of my desire to be approved and loved by those in my life. I don't feel as if I deserve to have the friends I have or the loving family I've been blessed with. Without showing my worth through my actions than I believe I am undeserving of the friendship or any love or kindness I receive from the person or group.

My entire life I have confused selflessness with need for approval through works. Throughout my four years of high school I allowed myself to be walked over because I wanted so badly to be accepted. I would bow down to anyone and everyone and make sure they were taken care of and perfectly happy before I even took a split second to check in with my own needs. At the cost of my own health I did everything possible to keep everyone else's life happy and to make sure they felt loved and cared for. Running around like a mad woman I slowly fell apart on the inside from mental exhaustion trying to keep the world spinning.

I have managed to keep this up for years. Look where it got me. Desperately searching for love and acceptance has caused me more pain and hurt than I could ever imagine. Depression and an eating disorder has taken over my life and still for the past two years I have not stopped trying to win others approval. Friends, I have tried even harder to show people that I am capable of being a good friend and be accepted even while I struggle with a shit load of baggage. I have and still do believe the lie from Satan telling me who is going to be my friend while I am in the condition that I'm in? If I don't work harder at impressing people then they really won't be your friend because you are such a mess and if you don't work harder at recovery then do you really think that God is going to heal you?

God. It wasn't until this semester that I realized I am working just has hard to win His love and acceptance as I am everyone else's. I believe I need to work hard, try harder, love more and do more in order for Him to even consider looking my direction. I don't understand grace and I don't understand that I don't need to work for God's love. I still catch myself telling myself that I'm going to just try harder and do this and that more and things will start to come together. It hurts me to think that I have spent so many years searching for His approval along with so many others by being someone that I don't even know is the real me. I don't know how to do something for myself or how to do something for someone else without thinking this will make them like me more. I want to feel God's love because He is graciously giving it to me not because I have run myself ragged trying to earn it.

This was not the most uplifting of posts but recovery is not all roses and butterflies. The story gets a little better so hang in there with me.