Sweetly Broken

Part 3: Phi Lamb

May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Romans 15:5-6

About a month ago, on a Thursday night you would have found me sitting in the parking lot of The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf with my pledge trainer and fabulous friend, Taryn. Tears streaming down my face, my hands were shaking as I held my cell phone trying to convince myself that I didn't have to make the phone call. About 20 minutes later the call was made and I had made the decision to step down from the pledge trainer position and go inactive for the remainder of the semester. My heart was broken.

I left Phi Lamb not because I wanted to but because I needed to. To this very day part of me second guesses my decision in leaving because each one of those girls mean more to me than they realize. God had been slowly telling me throughout the fall semester, winter break and even the start of the spring semester that I needed to make some sacrifices in order to better care for myself. I ignored Him. I was in denial that I wasn't in the right state to lead such precious girls and give so much of my energy and emotions to the sorority. Friends, when you ignore God for so long He will intervene and do what needs to be done, no matter how bad it is going to hurt. I chose to ignore God and he was patient with me as I did so until He said, "enough Caitlan, because I love you and you are my child I am going to do for you what you won't do for yourself and for Me." Through a series of events that led up to me falling apart in the parking lot He took my hand and walked me out of an environment that I wasn't suppose to be in at this point in my life.

Would I call it being obedient? Part of me says yes, I did what God was calling me to do. The other part of me says no, obedience would have been me taking initiative from His first message in the fall. I look at this particular phase of my recovery as the start of an intense spiritual detox. I knew God had already started stripping me of certain things in my life but I never thought the detox would include something I was (and still am) so passionate about. I now know how serious He is about me finding Him again, in a whole new way and with a whole new approach. He wants me to find my identity in Him, not in depression or food or Phi Lamb but in Him and Him alone. How could I do that if I was completely engulfed in proving myself to Him and others through Phi Lamb? I had never realized how much energy and emotion I put into Phi Lamb so I could earn my sisters love and earn God's love until God took it out of my life. The first few weeks of not coming to Monday and Tuesday night meetings I was like a lost puppy with my tail between my legs. I ran around like a crazy person cleaning, crafting, fixing, writing letters etc. to prove myself to someone, anyone! My identity was gone and I was lost.

Although I still think I'm in the middle of a quarter life crisis and still searching for my "true" self where love is given by grace, I find myself every so often panicking because I no longer have Phi Lamb to feel worthy of love and acceptance. But that is okay because God has shown me beauty through it and when I chose to call Kayla that night I chose to trust God with what was going to happen next and so far He has been faithful and has yet to let go of my hand from the night he pulled me away.

My lovely babies from fall of 2010. What a blessing these girls were for me last semester.

I like to think of the Spring PC as my ex-pledges due to me leaving two weeks in. But the understanding and support that poured out of these girls hearts was overwhelming. Thank you.

The officers. Who graciously gave me the opportunity to serve such a wonderful community of Jesus loving women. I owe so much to them, more than they know.

And of course my partners in crime. My "team". God truly blessed me with the friendships that developed over the semester of serving and loving on sweet girls.