Blame it on the Tofu

Tofu made me cry last night. The stupid tofu in my stupid tofu wrap had the nerve to open the flood gates while I was STILL at the dinner table. I mean it's one thing when you're crying at the table outside of a treatment center but totally different when you are in a recovery center, for eating disorders none the less!

Several things happen when you start crying at the table:

1.) You get a lot of attention drawn to you, most of it unwanted attention.

2.) When asked what's wrong you have to be really cautious about what you say because you have to be considerate of the fact that the other girls at the table are responsible for finishing the same food that you are sobbing over. By saying the wrong thing you can send others into a tale spin of negativity towards the food as well.

3.) You can't leave the table. If you leave the table without permission you will be followed by an MC or staff. If you ask to leave the table you will be A.) wasting precious time that should be spent finishing your meal. B.) more than likely followed by a staff or MC still.

4.) Time is still ticking. Whether it's a 15 minute snack or a 35 minute meal. Time doesn't stop for you and your melt down.

5.) If you don't finish your meal boost is still a must. Which means more tears while attempting to drink some thick choclatey supplement. Yum!

More than likely the tears are not really from the food or tofu in my case last night. Us eating disorder folks are real good at taking our emotions out on the food. Hence why we are in treatment. It's a way of coping, a way of turning the attention off of the real hurt and the real emotion. We choose to be blind to the fact that there is something that is rooted deep down in us and by doing so we have to have something to keep our thoughts away from those roots. In my case and so many others food is the innocent victim that gets the blame. Food can't talk back, it doesn't yell at you no matter what and you can't hurt it's feelings. It's the best punching bag, so it seems.

Something I've learned while being here that I'm going to pass along to you is this: if you find yourself getting angry at food, blaming the food for your emotions or crying over tofu, fake chicken or egg salad ( don't think I've cried over those or anything ;) take a step back and ask yourself what's really going on. Because I can guarantee you that there is probably a little something going on besides the tofu sticking it's tongue out at you.

And remember….this is all coming from the girl who is in treatment for placing the blame on the food. Trust me :)

God is on His Toes!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For ALL of the prayers that you have been so graciously sending to the Big Man upstairs. As my last post was all about how insurance was screwy and I was being kicked out of ERC because they no longer were going to help financially; I now have updated news. By the grace of God I have been allotted time until October 5th to continue treatment and practice here in Denver! Man, God answered that one fast. It was almost as if He was testing me to see how willing I would be to leave Denver early. Who knows!? But for whatever reason God has me here for another ten-ish days and I couldn't be more grateful. Thank you for the prayers and support and encouragement. I couldn't be more blessed to have such an incredible support system from all over. So disregard my last post because the ERC has me until October 5th and I for that I am forever grateful! Thank you Jesus! You are good!

And He Spoke Loud and Clear

Friends! Let me tell you something…if you don't think God is listening to your prayers you better watch yourself because He is listening and He is not afraid to pounce on those out cries. The last week or so I have been bombarded with my treatment team talking with me about what my aftercare program is going to look like. I've started working on a weekly meal plan of meals and recipes, finishing my self-assessment (aka my story), writing my wellness plan for when I go home, calling treatment centers in Dallas and just mentally getting ready to peace out of here. Can you say hello anxiety? I immediately started praying and asking God to show me what He wants me to do, where He wants me to go. Do I go home to Dallas for a few months to be in a stable environment or do I go back to Austin where all of my friends and everything are? I said, "God, show me and make it clear. I will do what you want me to do."

Welp, God answered in a crisp and clear way yesterday afternoon. During my session with Mikki yesterday I was in the middle of a freak out when she told me it was probably a good time to have this conversation. "This conversation" being insurance has decided to put a halt to supporting me financially while in Denver. Apparently, my treatment team has been fighting with insurance to get them to extend my stay for a little longer but this was a no go. They will be covering me through Tuesday and then I'll be kicked to the curb.

Of course, this is not ideal. Mikki told me that the team would have liked to keep me for another 2-3 weeks until they would discharge me but I guess God has a little something different in mind.

So until Tuesday I will be busy with getting things ready for my return to Texas. As of now the plan is to stay in Dallas through the rest of this year. I will be doing an intensive outpatient program at the Renfrew Center close to home. It will be a three days a week program for four hours each day. I also plan on doing some road tripping to Austin to start working with my team there as well as see all of my fabulous friends! I'll keep you updated as Tuesday gets closer. Thank you again for all of your love, prayers and support over these last six weeks. They mean more to me than you will ever know. God is so good and I do trust that He is taking me from Denver for a reason. Do I know why? Of course not but I'm eager to find out!

love.love.love

Soul Surfing

Today completes my fifth week of being here in Denver. While I was meeting with Doctor King this morning I asked for a timeline, discharge date, number of weeks left or ANYTHING so I could just get an idea of how much longer I have here. His response, "Oh you'll be home before Christmas". Great, thanks Dr. King. He told me to just keep doing what I can, taking it a day at a time, practicing and paying attention. I need to continuously remind myself that "yes, I can do it" and instead of saying "I can't do it or I can't eat that meal" I should say, "I think that meal is scary/frightening/daunting but I CAN still do it".

I experienced an emotion explosion yesterday. My emotions actually didn't explode until I got back to my apartment but they were building up all day long. What triggered the emotion switch I find a little odd but after sleeping on it and thinking through things it isn't actually that strange. Red Box is my newest friend and yesterday we got to experience watching Soul Surfer together. I have been wanting to watch it for quite some time but just never got around to it. As the movie started I could feel my heart starting to beat faster, my hands starting to sweat and my my entire body getting tense. I kept asking other girls who had already seen it when she was going to get her arm bit off because I was literally so anxious for it to happen and to see the scene. Y'all it was the strangest thing I was dreading for the scene to happen because for some reason I thought if the scene never came than all of the shots and scenes at the beginning of the movie of her as a little girl and her surfing wouldn't be ruined and forever changed. I wanted "Bethany" to continue living her life of normalcy, joy and love. I felt so much for her that I could hardly sit through the first part of the movie because I knew her world was about to be forever rocked.

When I finally managed to make it to the scene of her accident I felt the tears welling up and my chest getting tight and was suddenly hit with the realization of why I was being so strangely impacted by this movie and this story. Soul Surfer is such a parallel to the life of my sweet cousin JD and his siblings and parents. The parallels start flashing through my head of before the accident, when the accident happened, getting the phone calls, rushing to the hospital and praying with all of our might that God would save this sweet boy from dying. Bethany's parents in the movie reminded me so much of my aunt and uncle; their trust in the Lord and their willingness to do whatever it took to get their child healthy. Yes, things were no longer 'normal' for Bethany after she lost her arm but then again what is normal? Who defines what normal looks like and sounds like? Who has the right to say a person with two arms is normal verses a girl with one arm? Mrs. Hamilton stated in response to normalcy was that it is overrated. It is overrated. I don't believe in normal so much anymore because when we think our lives are normal than I believe we are comfortable and we weren't placed in this world to be comfortable. Dr. King tells me all the time that if I feel comfortable while I'm, here than I wouldn't be making progress. I didn't choose to come to treatment to be comfortable for two months but rather to sit through discomfort and experience how ugly recovery is. Will recovery and treatment get me back to a 'normal' life? I hope not. What I do hope is that I will discover a normal relationship with food and eating and I hope that recovery will lead me to a life of adventures, fun and true living. JD and his family's life looks different now than it did three years ago but does that make it abnormal? No. It makes it exciting and different. It helps them learn to live a day at a time, to get on their knees and cry out to God and to use what is an uncomfortable situation to bring glory to God's name.

My prayer for you as well as myself today is that you allow yourself to accept abnormal. Stop striving for a normal life, normal clothes, normal job or a normal family because in the end you will only be disappointed. Handle situations as they come and go with the flow of things. Be flexible. Don't judge your life to the "definition" of normal. Trust that God is doing what He wills for you and be gracious that there is a King who has your back day and night. We don't have to worry about normalcy when we have faith and a promise of eternal life in a perfect place with the Creator of all things. We are made perfect in HIS image and to me that sounds a whole heck of a lot better than just being normal.

Future Tripping

Sweet sweet friends of mine. It is currently 4:22pm here in Denver on Friday afternoon. I write this post with the comfort of prayers and support surrounding me on all sides. I cannot even begin to express the gratitude I have for each and every one of you. God has blessed me beyond words with the most loving and accepting friends and family that I could ever ask for. I am speechless and wish I could say more than just thank you, it doesn't seem even close to enough. Please know that in return I am in constant prayer for each one of you, for God to return the blessings He's pouring on me through you back onto each one of your lives. I pray that you see the glory of God in your day to day life and see the benefits of carrying the burden of a sister in Christ. Community, I am slowly learning, travels with you no matter how far you may be and for that I am thankful.

The end of my fifth week is getting closer and closer. I am in absolute shock how quickly time is going. It's as if I no longer have a sense of time, almost like God has removed that ticking clock from my brain. Without the constant brain clock and alarm going off I have found that time is not an issue while I am here. Every so often the voices will creep back in and remind me that I need to hurry up and finish so I can get back to Austin, get back to work, get back to church, get back to making money and get back to school asap. But then there is this overwhelming sense of peace and a gentle whisper telling me to slow down and be still. This whisper then reminds me that I have time to take for myself and I need to take advantage of it. I need to be in the now, the present and remind myself that all of those "things" that I "need to get back to" are part of the reason I am here in Denver today. I don't need to get back to anything, I need to trust that God is going to keep me where I need to be for however long I need to be there and then when it's time to "go back" I can go back to something different and new. There are no rules that say I have to go back to what life looked like before, I will have a new start, a clear mind and a God that will place me exactly where I am suppose to be.

A girl in my process group calls it Future Tripping, when you start over analyzing the future and causing anxiety when really all you need to do is focus on the now because really, that's all we have, the now. This particular girl who coined the term Future Tripping is being discharged after about sixteen long weeks of treatment and is planning a trip to Europe for just herself. She is learning to live, to truly live and man it just brings tears to my eyes. Before treatment she was flooding herself with this and that and in the midst of it all forgot that there was a little girl in there that was suffocating and needed air for herself and no one else. She's breathing now and what a beautiful sight it is. She is ready to make up for the lost time that was taken by her eating disorder but the beautiful thing is she took her time in treatment and now she has all the time and much more to experience life, truly experience it.

There have been quite a few good things that have happened over the last week or two. I will share those with you to encourage you that God is good and faithful. Enjoy your weekend lovelies and try not to future trip because God want's us in the now, not the past and not the future but the now.

1.) I, on my own, ordered a fully loaded coffee drink at Starbucks. Fully loaded meaning: A hazelnut soy latte, NO non fat milk and NO sugar free syrup and I survived.

2.) I, on my own, purchased a NON diet coke aka a cherry coke. Once again I lived through this.

3.) The other morning I put on a pair of sweatpants that I had just purchased at Victoria's Secret (on sale half off I'll add) that felt just a smudge too tight. Now, in reality they fit me perfectly and were probably not anywhere close to being too tight BUT when you struggle with body image you tend to change clothes in the morning…a lot. But this morning I chose to keep the pants on even if I felt a little bit larger in them. And guess what? I survived, yes and even got several compliments with them.

4.) I moved up to level three yesterday! This means I no longer have to sit at the meal tables with a staff member. I can join the cooking groups and go on the outings to challenge restaurants and meals. I will also get to practice portioning everyday at lunch.

5.) Next week is family days and one of the break out groups for the family members is a panel of current erc patients to be questioned by the family members. Staff and treatment teams are the ones who choose to be part of the panel and I found out Thursday at my staffing meeting that they want me to do it!! Super pumped about it :)

God's been good that's for sure. While this past week has been super encouraging I know that there will still be days of challenge but for now I will continue to live in the moment and the now and tuck away these successful days in the back of my mind to whip out when needed. Alright friends, be good and stay sweet.

love.love.love

Longhorn Football and Blogging

Good evening and Hook’em Horns! It is currently 7:00pm here in Denver, which means it is 8:00pm in Austin, Texas. Half time just ended in the UT vs. BYU game and we are losing. But that is okay I have complete and total faith in my Horns and am just excited to be able to see those beautiful burnt orange jersey’s on the TV screen. To all of my fabulous fans sitting in the senior section under the jumbo tron…I’m watching for ya! This post will consist of a few short stories/topics. My goal: keep it short, sweet and simple.

A Surprise Visitor

I received a text message earlier in the week, I think it was Wednesday, from one of my favorite people ever Mamma Hoop! (Texas just scored a touchdown 13-10 J) For those of you who don’t know Mamma Hoop she is also known as Mary Elizabeth’s mother, Mrs. Hooper ALSO known as my best friends mother whom I’ve known since I was in first grade. Her text message reads as follows:

Hey Caitlan Mamma Hoop here- - I’m flying to Denver today and gonna drop off a little “I’m thinking of YOU” bag at the front desk!! I know you have a very busy schedule- - I’ll prob be there around 2:30ish- - if for any reason you have break around that time I’d love to see you for one minute to hug your neck!!

Well of course I made time to see her! And let me tell you how unbelievably fabulous that hug was. Just having someone from home that is a familiar and comfortable face was a gift from God. As I started to cry into her arms as she just encouraged me with Truth and love I could feel the strength being blown back into me by God through Mrs. Hooper. I couldn’t be more thankful for such a surprise gift from someone whom I care so deeply about and in return has poured so much love and Jesus into me.

Aveda Institute

On Thursday night I went out on a pass with two other girls. We went to 16^th street which is basically a street mall with restaurants and a lot of crazy fun people. It sorta reminds me of Austin and The Drag, ESPECIALLY because I got stopped by the “save the children and the world” campaign people. And I thought they never left the corner of San Antonio Street and 24^th ;) But anyway there is an Aveda Institute on 16^th so we went and treated ourselves to an inexpensive haircut. I figured I deserved a trim and it felt super nice to get out of program and into the streets of the real world. We had a dinner challenge which went well. It’s always challenging being away from program and getting meals on your own. You’re held accountable for getting the proper amount of food and exchanges that your personal meal plan requires as well as not restricting. They don’t call it a dinner challenge for nothing that’s for sure! But we all survived and had a really nice evening out on the town.

The Flood Gates Have Opened

Friday was not a good day on many levels. I have mentioned before in a post about the rollercoaster ride called, Recovery and the ups and downs of the process. Well, I hit a low on Friday and was pretty close to booking a flight and coming home. Body image has been a struggle, I have been given another meal increase that starts tomorrow, I’ve found clothes fitting differently and part of me is just flat out tired of working so dang hard. I haven’t actually cried in program since I’ve been here. I’ve had a few tears by myself but for the most part I’ve managed to swallow any tears or breakdowns. Well, yesterday in process group I managed to open up the flood gates. It went a little something like this:

Mikki: Caitlan, how are you doing? What would you like to process in group today?

Me: (pauses for a few seconds) I’m not doing okay, I’ll be honest. (Voice cracks and tears start welling) I am not going to cry. I’m not going to do it. (I’m officially crying). I can’t cry (as I’m crying).

So yeah it felt god to get some of those built up tears out but there is still a lot of anger that I haven’t released. But I’m working on it and for now Mikki and my treatment team is pleased that I am starting to feel emotions and that I’m allowing them to show and be visible to others. They tell me I can’t be perfect all the time and I can’t hold it together all the time. I’m trying to prove them wrong but it’s not going so well ;)

Italiano Street Fair

We went on an outing today to a street fair which was a lot of fun! Of course there were tons of people and tons of food so anxiety was high but I managed it well and did enjoy myself. We had a choice of bringing a snack from the ERC or we could challenge ourselves to buy something at the fair. Well, I chose to pack mine and stay safe but after processing the outing with the group and the mc’s I have decided that from now on I will no longer bring a snack with me to an outing. These outings are for us to practice being “normal” and learning how to buy a snack when you are out with other people and don’t have a yogurt and cliff bar with you. I need to learn how to be okay buying a gelato or a biscotti and enjoy it and not think twice about it. So I’ll keep you posted on how that goes.

Last Few Things

My roommates and I were talking the other day about how different treatment for eating disorders are from other chemical and substance addictions. Now don’t get me wrong an addiction of any kind is going to be a REAL challenge and won’t come easy. But you in order to keep yourself alive you have to eat and if you struggle with drugs or alcohol you have to learn how to remove it from your life. You can’t remove food from your life. We’ve tried that…it doesn’t work. So to the point of this my roommate told this metaphor that makes total sense.

Recovering from a drug/alcohol/etc. addiction is like putting a tiger in a cage and leaving it there. Recovering from an eating disorder is like putting it in a cage and taking it out six times a day for a walk.

The third quarter just finished. We’re losing 16-10. Lame.

I leave you with another funny story from an individual recovering from an eating disorder. Enjoy J (names changed for confidentiality)

This scene takes place after dinner. Our group is sitting in the Woodmansse room processing our meal, how we’re feeling, successes and intents for the night. We normally go around a circle when it comes to sharing. And just as an fyi…fat is not a feeling. I’ve learned this but I don’t necessarily agree with it.

Bridget: Your turn Mia. How are you feeling?

Mia( a grown woman who is extremely intelligent and dedicated to recovery. She works hard and takes each day seriously but every so often she slips in a statement that brings a smile to everyone’s faces): How am I feeling? Like I’m about to give birth to triplets. (said with a straight face)

Much love my little ones. If you have sent me mail I love you and WILL/AM writing you back! If you are in Phi Lamb I miss you and miss meetings and miss your loving community. If you are my sister than be good and do the Salerno name proud.

Good Stuff Right Here

Can I just take a post to say that God is totally rocking my socks off? I mean for real He is truly amazing me. I just finished listening to The Stone's sermon series on the DNA of the church and man my mind was just blown away. In result of those few sermons I am now taking my quite times to study the book of Acts and the disciples as they listened to the call to go out and spread the good news of Jesus Christ. Those twelve were just so dang in love with Jesus and so obedient to His calling! I get goosebumps every time I read a verse that talks about the numbers of believers and followers increasing. I've been missing my community of Jesus loving believers but at the same time I can feel that God wants me here, in Denver and at this treatment center. My prayer has been for Him to work through me and shine through me and what joy that has brought to my days. I truly believe I am doing what God wants me to do for myself and for Him. I believe I am where He wants me to be and yes, at times it sucks and I want to go home but gosh He has been good you guys. So good. He is doing some crazy things and nothing could make me happier than bringing glory to His name.

Matt Carter grabbed my attention during the sermon I was listening to today when he talked about God having us leave the church to place us where He wants us to serve Him. I would say that God placed me about as far away from my comfort zone as He could and I am far from the church and from my sense of community. But He has been faithful and He is still guiding me every step of the way. Y'all God is good. His timing is excellent and His plans are beyond what we could ever imagine. Trust Him. Trust Him with your entire heart. He will not fail you.

"But many of those who heard the word came to believe and the number of men grew to about five thousand." - Acts 4:4

Hello Fall

Happy September sweet friends of mine! It is absolutely amazing how quickly time flies by. Just like that summer has come and gone and the smell of fall is starting to fill the air. Although, Texas will have a good month or so until the feel of fall arrives, Colorado has been greeted by fabulous weather! It is currently about 61 degrees outside here but feels a lot warmer since we are closer to the sun than in Texas. It is just fabulous walking out of the apartment in the mornings with the crisp wind hitting your face and with zero humidity in the air! I am in weather heaven here in Denver.

I'm going to make this short because I don't have a whole lot to say and don't feel like writing out a whole bunch. As you probably have noticed by my last post of panic I hit a rough patch that I was sure I wasn't going to get through. Well, low and behold I made it out alive! These last few days have been much more positive. As Dr. King pointed out my success of making it through the rough patch and that I CAN do it, he also told me to focus on what it was that got me through those rough days. I have started to realize how important recovery is for me so I can be a better friend, daughter and sister. My values keep me going daily and that is something that I have learned while I'm here. I am also noticing that my mind is not consumed with negative eating disorder thoughts quite as much compared to before I got here and during the "rough patches". It is so amazing to experience a partial peace of mind. I can't claim that I have total peace of mind but I see glimpses of it when I'm hanging out with the other girls. It feels good to genuinely smile and laugh. Those are the moments that keep me going :)

Found out yesterday that I will experience my third meal plan increase. It will increase twice today, once at lunch and once at dinner. Of course panic is in the pit of my stomach because I know the increase was in result of my weight getting to a plateau for the last few days. I trust Jenn though and know she know's what she's doing. I completed my first snack challenge on Friday! I went to Strarbucks with a few other girls and had to follow a snack equivalency from what I eat here at ERC. Shockingly enough I got a grande white chocolate mocha with no whip. Fully leaded with fat and sugar though! When Jenn showed me what I could and couldn't order I was close to passing out. But I did it and drank it all so go me! :) AND I'm still alive and kicking!

Okay I miss home, both Plano and Austin but things are happening here in Denver :)