"Caitlan, I'm glad you are able to find a sense of humor in all of this."

- Alison, THE Dietician

I don't think we can make it out alive if we don't find time to laugh in each day.

A Few More Good Reads

Hello all! I know I have previously mentioned a few good books concerning eating disorder recovery and I am happy to say that I have some more!

Shannon Cutts is a fabulous woman who has recovered from an eating disorder as well as founded the website MentorConnect (which is a link under the resource list to the right). Shannon's motto is, "Relationships Replace Eating Disorders". Her website is a place for people to be mentored and receive support from individuals who understand and have been through similar situations. Well, her January newsletter supplied a list of books she recommends and I am going to be oh so nice and pass them along to whomever may be interested. Happy reading!

For recovering persons:
(of course) Beating Ana: How to Outsmart Your Eating Disorder and Take Your Life Back by yours truly :-)
Goodbye Ed, Hello Me by Jenni Schaefer (I've read. Fabulous)
Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaefer with Thom Rutledge (A MUST read)
Bulimia: A Guide to Recovery by Lindsey Hall & Leigh Cohn
Anorexia: A Guide to Recovery by Lindsey Hall & Leigh Cohn
Life Beyond Your Eating Disorder by Johanna Kandel
Beating Ana: How to Outsmart Your Eating Disorder and Take Your Life Back by Shannon Cutts (Haven't read yet BUT it just came in the mail on Thursday, I'll keep you posted.)
Telling Ed No! by Cheryl Kerrigan
Embracing Fear by Thom Rutledge
The Religion of Thinness by Michelle Lelwica
Crave by Cynthia Bulik, PhD
Women, Food & God (and anything else by) Geneen Roth (Own but haven't read yet)

For loved ones/carers:

Give Food a Chance by Dr. Julie O'Toole
Andrea's Voice: Silenced by Bulimia by Doris Smeltzer
Eating With Your Anorexic by Laura Collins
Just Tell Her To Stop: Family Stories of Eating Disorders by Becky Henry

Last night I was on the phone with a sweet sweet friend of mine that has done wonders in my life. Our friendship evolved ohh in a span of about 4 hours and I would say we will be friends for life. She's one of those cool girls that God blessed me with so abruptly that I'm still in some shock that we are so close. Well, she gave me a call last night and willingly shared some things she's been struggling with for quite some time. As she nervously poured her thoughts out to me my heart just sunk, tears filled my eyes and I wanted nothing more than to hold her in my arms. Of course living cities away made this unrealistic but at that point she needed someone to just listen, she didn't need a lecture or statistics thrown in her face, just someone to take a minute to sit quietly and hear what she had been holding in for years.

Of course my mind was going about a million miles an hour. I wanted to grab her by the arms and say, "RUN! Run fast in the opposite direction! The slope is slippery and you are flirting with the edge! TRUST me I KNOW! I too once thought it was glamorous and fun to be in the 'drivers seat' but years later the fun is gone and pain is there. Just listen to me and get out while you still can with a little bit of ease." I remained quite though because this girl is smart and she knows the reality because she is someone who has been praying for me over the past year and specifically praying for me. She knows my story, all of it and has been a prayer warrior ever sense I told her. You know what she told me last night? She has seen what my struggles and obsessions have done to me over the months, she has noticed the not so pretty side of weight obsession and the side effects that tag along. She said that I have secretly helped her realize the truth of the matter. I thought I was only venting but no, I was doing more than that.

As I was leaving class today and heading towards the bank I noticed a girl that was in the CAP program with me at UTSA. I have never really known her, more of a "smile when we see each other friend". We lived in the same dorm last year and I saw her for the first time this semester. I had to do a double take because this girl was unhealthy. I won't go into anymore detail on the physical appearance because I think we all have the idea, but what I saw once again brought a lump into my throat. I crossed the street and she went her way and I was just praying that she was getting the help she needed and had the support like I have been blessed with.

I then starting thinking, more like questioning, why I'm so open about my struggles. Body image issues, food obsessions and eating disorders are so secretive. No one wants to admit to anyway that they are dealing with it because they think they don't have a right to struggle with it or they blame themselves that they got into the situation themselves so why should they go and "complain" to others about it. Girls believe that everyone's problems are worse than their own so they refuse to open up to anyone because of that "extra burden" that they would be causing. Many times the thought is that it isn't a problem and if they tell anyone then it is going to blow up into something that it isn't, they think that they are still in control and telling others is unnecessary. And of course, shame and guilt go along with keeping secrets inside. Yes, I think all of these thoughts and many times believe them but for some reason I started sharing with people my secrets and slowly it became easier and easier for me. Do I wish sometimes that no one knew? Yes, almost on a daily basis I wish I could take it all back so it was only my secret again. Being in the dark seems easier, giving into our hurts and sinful ways means you don't have to fight against them. So why on earth am I someone who talks so openly about it on the internet, to friends and family?

It's difficult being so vulnerable. Being exposed to so many people is terrifying. Walking around feeling as if everyone is staring right through you is not pleasant. But I can say confidently that it has been worth it for me. God has blessed me more than I think I realize at this moment in time, with the gift to use my struggles, recovery and faith to speak to others. I want girls to know that they aren't the only ones in the world who look in the mirror and see lies, I want people to learn from the mistakes I've made, the signs I've ignored and the help I've pushed away for so long. I want people to see that it is possible to have a relationship with the Lord while you feel as if you are living in a desert of nothing. I want God to be revealed through the storm I've been traveling and still continue to travel. If we all kept our secrets inside then how can we use our stories to tell others about our saving Father? If someone doesn't put their foot forward out of their comfort zone then what hope do others have for a life of freedom? God has slowly guided me out of the comfort zone of hiding my struggles. He didn't do that without a purpose. I trust that He will use me as He wishes and I am willing to follow as He leads me to whomever He wishes to touch.

We serve a mighty God and if He tells us to go and share the good news, that there is hope and everlasting life with Him then that is what we should do. And I pray I serve God in the way He wants me to.

James 1:1-13

9:06am

Fact 1: Heartburn kept me up last night.

Fact 2: I skipped my first class this morning.

Fact 3: I realized when riding the bus this morning that the tires are wide enough apart to completely avoid the speed bumps. My car tires will never be wide enough to do that. Bummer.

Fact 4: I have to wear this stupid pedometer for my KIN314 class. To measure my activity level FOR A WEEK! Really? I took it off at 1:45pm yesterday and just put it back on this morning. I guess it is going to show I was pretty sedentary yesterday :) If anyone wants to go work out and wear this for me let me know. I will be forever grateful.

11:50pm

Friday. What a sweet sweet word. Of course there is much to do before I am able to enjoy the weekend but it will get done. No doubt. Don't have a whole bunch of time to spill my guts on life. I have several quizzes tomorrow that I need to finish studying for.

I got my Jenni Schaefer CD in the mail today. She's great and SUCH an inspiration. Okay well remember, I love you and so does Jesus. Have a fantastic Friday and smile more than you frown :)

http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/jennischaefer4

^Listen to Jenni's new songs :)

Mood Hangovers

**2:13pm

This is hard work. It takes so much energy. I need Your help God. Please breathe strength into me, God I can't do this on my own I just can't. Show me the next step. What's next? Show me the next ten feet God. Guide me and don't let go and I will follow your lead.

**5:08pm

I'm sitting in Starbucks in good ole' Pfluggerville , Tx (I have NO idea how to spell that) waiting for a babysitting interview. God has for sure blessed me with a handful of families interested in me babysitting for them. Funny how things work out. Just take note: it's important to return to God what He has given to you. If you think you aren't capable of dipping into your finances to do so, I promise you that you can. He will provide for you.

Today's been rough and I don't know why. Last night was rough and I was praying it wouldn't be lingering when I woke up this morning. Unfortunately it was there, some times it's there and sometimes it leaves in the middle of the night when I don't even notice. I like to refer it to a mood hangover. Some mornings they are bad news and will last most of the day, while others aren't even noticeable when my alarm goes off. This morning I woke up with a mood hangover. In fact it's still here at this moment in time. Classes where good this morning and then I went to group and sorta started melting down there. Mood hangovers are a little different then drunk hangovers; sometimes mood hangovers get worse as the day progresses instead of getting better. That's how today's been.

**8:41pm

Got the babysitting job. Boom. Thank you Jesus. I am now sitting with a diet coke, glass of water and a cup of coffee...decaf for all my accountability clocks reading this. I need to do homework and be a good student and go to be at a decent hour to keep my life as structured as possible. Hopefully the mood hangover is gone when I wake up, they aren't so fun.

Oh side not, I started making a website....? I have no idea what I was thinking. Let me go ahead and waste a little bit more of my time attempting to create a website...for what exactly? Dear Lord I need help.

Take a look at Matthew 6:25-34 if you get a chance. It's a good one.

My blog is blocked. It is now only me, myself and I. Oh, and God of course. I put the block back on a few days ago due to a identity crisis (I can't exactly say minor because well...it's not so minor).

I have never quite understood the phrase 'identity crisis'. What the heck does that mean? How does someone not know who they are? Grey's Anatomy did a pretty decent job at portraying someone going through a MAJOR identity crisis with, ohh shoot what's her name, the girl Kurev (spelling?) makes a name up for and then falls in love with REBECCA, right? Well, basically she had her face smashed in by pillar and gets a new face (that she gets to choose) and then gets a little tripped out when she starts remembering things and well um, she isn't actually her!

My face has yet to be smashed in by a pillar and I pray it never does but I think I can officially say I am having a crisis involving who I am, who I see myself as and how others perceive me. Honestly, I have never put deep thought into this subject, more like I would dismiss it because it was something I didn't want to deal with. Whelp. Now, it is time to deal. Because there are two identities that are tugging at me to pick them. To give them the rose if you want to relate this to The Bachelor. Side note, I hate The Bachelor, it's stupid. But these two men are:

A.) Pryde (the name of my negativity and bad thoughts)

B.) God

Pryde has had control of my identity for oh lets just say a long time. And the sad thing is the majority of that time I had zero realization that I could lose my identity to a mental illness. Well, you can. I'm comfortable with Pryde, with my eating habits, his words and thoughts that pass through my mind each day and the crap he makes me believe. When you get stuck in a rut of doing the same habit over and over again (good or bad habit) it becomes your comfort zone. For some when stress is present you turn to drinking, some to smoking or drugs and others to exercising, food, boys, sex etc. Turning to these things become easy for you. You know they will always be there. For me, I will always be able to restrict my eating, or binge and restrict or live off of coffee but I can get a false sense of energy and fullness but can these things truly bring me joy? That would be a negative.

I have turned to dealing with my problems and emotions to food for so long that I now view myself as the girl with the eating disorder, that is who I am. That is how people view me and what people know me for. The girl that drinks coffee like it's going out of style or the girl that is "never hungry". Who will I be when I don't struggle with food anymore? How will people view me and react to the "new" Caitlan. The Caitlan with maybe a tad bit more weight on her body and the Caitlan who maybe wants to meet over dinner verses coffee. How do I react to their reactions? It's a scary thing please believe me. How do I deal with my emotions, stress and problems if my comfort zone no longer exists? Where do those emotions go? Who is the Caitlan without the eating disorder? I don't even know who she is because I haven't seen her in so long. My counselor told me last week that she is seeing small glimpses of the true Caitlan, so I'm in there somewhere but I just exactly know how to deal with her.

As for God, I want my identity in Him. I want someone to look at me and see Jesus Christ, not a girl who is lacking energy and body fat. I want to be thinking about Jesus all the time, I want Him and His Word to be my comfort zone my rock and my go to person, not food. The sad thing is.....

...it's several hours later and I don't feel like finishing this post. I just hit a bad wall. :(

I want to let a balloon go for every sin I remove from my life.

Until my hands are empty of guilt and shame.

So I can truly raise them high and praise the one who wants me for me.

He has always loved me for me.

He calls me beautiful.

His daughter.

His love.

He wants me.

I yearn for Him.

Whatever it takes...

I want my identity to be in Jesus Christ.

End of story.

Blog Guest #1: Morgan Nicole

**My beautiful sister has so humbly taken the time to write out what God's been teaching her recently. Take the time to learn, relate and experience a little bit of life with her. Remember, if you would like to share a piece of your heart let me know and read the blog post right before this one. Much love and Morgan, you are greatly appreciated. Oh, and I apologize for the random white background for part of the entry. I can't fix it... **

“Timing Is Everything”

Hey yall :) Morgan here. So my sweet sister, Caitlan, mentioned to me about writing in her blog and the first thing I thought was “you must be crazy!! You are the best writer I know-there’s no way I’m going to come write and destroy your masterpiece!” But of course, she convinced me about 5 minutes later! So Caitlan, this one’s for you…

I have been thinking hard about what has been weighing on my heart recently and after pondering and journaling, I have found a common theme..timing. Yes, it is simple but so many times I forget that this is not MY world, this is not MY story, and this is definitely not MY timing. It’s our heavenly Father’s world, His story, and His timing. I have been listening to the song “Timing is Everything” by Garrett Hedlund from the movie Country Strong (SOO good by the way..it’s a must see for all you southerners ;) and it totally hit home for me.

when the stars line up
and you catch a good break
and people think your lucky
but you know it’s grace
it can happen so fast
or a little bit late
timing is everything

You know I’ve had close calls
when it could have been me
I was young when i learned just
how fragile life could be
I lost friends of mine
I guess it wasn’t my time
timing is everything

And I could have been a child that got took home
and I would have been one more unfinished song
and when it seems a rhyme is hard to find
that’s when one comes along
just in time

Well you can call it fate
or destiny
sometimes it really
seems like
it’s a mystery
cause you can be hurt by love
or healed by the same
timing is everything
and it can happen so fast
or a little bit late
timing is everything

That isn’t the entire set of lyrics, but I just put in the parts that I related to the most. He says it so perfectly. My favorite is “it can happen so fast or a little bit late, timing is everything”. God has a plan for us. When we’re running real late and it’s just a bad day, there’s a reason for that. When we get stuck in the slow lane in the grocery store behind the person with 2148012 coupons, there’s a reason for that. I laugh because sometimes I catch myself thinking that “I know better”, and that “I know what should and shouldn’t be happening right now.” What a joke! I know I’m doing that when I ask myself questions like:

“Why am I the only single one out of my friends?”

or “Why didn’t I get automatically accepted into UT my first year?”

or “Why can’t I make any TRUE, GOOD girl friends here at school?”

or “Why was I not chosen to work at Sky Ranch next summer?”

It’s a constant battle, but immediately after I ask myself those questions, I smile because God is laughing at me I’m sure. (in a loving way of course..haha) He’s saying:

“My sweet child, quit thinking so hard about your life. I have planned it out perfectly. Remember, I created YOU, I adopted YOU, I breathed life into YOU so that you could be a part of my story! So quit worrying and just live your life to glorify Me. Let me do the hard work and you just listen and obey!”

A Time for Everything

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep and a time to cast away;

a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I have to tell yall this, it was so crazy..I was actually looking up another verse and I always find that I start reading everything around the passage that I was looking for in the first place, and the “A Time for Everything” scripture was right above the verse I’m about to write. Funny how God helps you with the words you can’t find to say, huh?…

So for a final thought, I encourage all of you to be patient, to wait on the Lord and on His perfect timing. For he knows best, ALWAYS. Remember: The will of God will never take you where the grace of God cannot protect you.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time.”

Ecclesiastes 3:11

Lets Shout From the Top of our Lungs!

I finished reading the book Blue Like Jazz this afternoon. Three things I take away from this book that truly impacted me.

"Living in community made me realize one of my faults: I was addicted to myself. All I thought about was myself." (181 Miller)

" 'Don, let me tell you. You should be tithing. That is not your money. That is God's money. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Stealing from God and all. You write Christian books and everything and you're not even giving God's money back to Him.' " (195 Miller)

"God's love will never change us if we don't accept it." (232 Miller)

Donald Miller truly put away his pride when writing and publishing this book. He spoke of his weaknesses, his mistakes, his doubts, fears, concerns and second guesses of what he believed in. He spoke of his lessons learned through his environment, unexpected relationships and life experiences. He pushed fear aside and just spoke his mind of Jesus, who He was to him and what a relationship with Him looks like to him. I would encourage everyone to read this book. No matter where you are in your walk with God or even if you don't have one, still give this book a chance, I promise you it will be worth it.

With all that being said I have decided to take a step back from my writing my story. I believe that each and every one of us have a desire to share something with whomever will listen. I believe that there are times when God does something so crazy cool that we just want to shout it at the top of our lungs. It's a lot easier said than done. Writing comes easy for me, even talking out loud has grown to be less humiliating (due to my work on vulnerability the last TWO years) but for others this is a challenge, a big one.

I see Jesus through people. Some people see Him through nature, see Him on the streets or at church but for me I see Him in people. Not just people who know Jesus is shining through them but even people who don't realize it. I learn from others, their stories, struggles, triumphs and journeys. For the next week to two weeks I will be opening up my blog to whomever wishes to shout at the top of their lungs. I am opening my postings to those who have something pressing on their heart but don't know how to go about expressing those feelings. Anything goes, just speak about what you want to. You can remain anonymous or choose to share who you are. Here is your opportunity to let others catch a glimpse of the you that doesn't always show, your chance for someone to learn something through your life and your story.

Lets learn from each other. Lets lean on each other and each others experiences. Lets experience life together. Lets learn to love each other AND ourselves for who we are on the inside and not the outside.

Let me know if you are interested.

Crafting at 4613

"Even on my weaker days, I get a little bit stronger."

- Sara Evans

It's been a rough week. Not bad by any means but just emotionally draining. I've been challenged by the newest member to my "team of help" and it has not been easy. I love her to death but her "plans" aren't so fun. But I'll give myself some kuddos for handling my uneasiness and panic moments with safe and healthy coping mechanisms. I've taken time for myself these past two weeks and worked on my Chicago scrapbook, rearranged my entire room, hung up new frames, took down janky shelves, started on some new coffee sleeves and crafted some greeting cards. I've also watched mass amounts of Criminal Minds, a movie called The Road (it's dark and not uplifting...I wouldn't recommend it), almost finished Blue Like Jazz, spent more time in the living room verses my bedroom, decorated the house for Valentines Day (which includes our Christmas tree with heart ornaments) and laughed more than I've cried. Now, it hasn't been a walk in the park but I'm trying and I'm pushing forward no matter how hard or how much it hurts, I'm moving forward.

So here are my cards I made...they were the first attempts of making cards so cut me a little slack. I haven't finished the sleeves yet so I'll post pictures soon!

I also got my TWLOHA shirt in the mail today!

TWLOHA Website

I am going to buy one of these:

So I can take pictures like this:

or like this:

or like this:

If you have any advice on good starter cameras please please let me know!

Exhaustion

I've been in Austin for less than a week and it has been pure bliss. I returned with a little less fog clouding the beauty of the Austin skyline, my neighborhood, campus, down town traffic and life in general. God's teaching me a lot. He's taught me a lot that I'm now able to find joy and Truth in. Have I had good days? Absolutely. Has it been a walk in the park? No, that it has not been. Between seeing my counselor, going to group and starting with a dietician I'm flat out exhausted. The type of exhaustion were you want to keep moving forward because you are seeing the benefits of the hard work you've put in already. The type of exhaustion were you know you can't stop trying because that isn't what God's telling you and no matter how much it hurts to do the next right thing you manage to do it because He is faithful. As my sweet friend Catherine tells me all the time (mostly during melt downs), God has given you the perfect amount of strength you need to make it through the day. I didn't believe her at first but please trust me when I tell you it's true. Although I feel as if I've been through the ringer and should be growing grey hairs I'm determined to use God's strength He is providing me with versus the exhaustion Satan is putting on my body. It's not easy, every day is a battle but I have no doubt that I will make it to the other side. I am exhausted in every aspect of life but it's a good exhaustion because it means I'm still feeling, I'm still here and I haven't given up. I'm exhau

sted because I'm making progress. I'm taking steps forward that at times seem close to impossible but I'm doing it. And the joy in that will ALWAYS be far more consuming than any amount of exhaustion satan throws my way.

Psalms 46:1 1 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble

Comfort Movies

I have two comfort movies. I suggest you watch them, both.