Sweetly Broken

Last night I was on the phone with a sweet sweet friend of mine that has done wonders in my life. Our friendship evolved ohh in a span of about 4 hours and I would say we will be friends for life. She's one of those cool girls that God blessed me with so abruptly that I'm still in some shock that we are so close. Well, she gave me a call last night and willingly shared some things she's been struggling with for quite some time. As she nervously poured her thoughts out to me my heart just sunk, tears filled my eyes and I wanted nothing more than to hold her in my arms. Of course living cities away made this unrealistic but at that point she needed someone to just listen, she didn't need a lecture or statistics thrown in her face, just someone to take a minute to sit quietly and hear what she had been holding in for years.

Of course my mind was going about a million miles an hour. I wanted to grab her by the arms and say, "RUN! Run fast in the opposite direction! The slope is slippery and you are flirting with the edge! TRUST me I KNOW! I too once thought it was glamorous and fun to be in the 'drivers seat' but years later the fun is gone and pain is there. Just listen to me and get out while you still can with a little bit of ease." I remained quite though because this girl is smart and she knows the reality because she is someone who has been praying for me over the past year and specifically praying for me. She knows my story, all of it and has been a prayer warrior ever sense I told her. You know what she told me last night? She has seen what my struggles and obsessions have done to me over the months, she has noticed the not so pretty side of weight obsession and the side effects that tag along. She said that I have secretly helped her realize the truth of the matter. I thought I was only venting but no, I was doing more than that.

As I was leaving class today and heading towards the bank I noticed a girl that was in the CAP program with me at UTSA. I have never really known her, more of a "smile when we see each other friend". We lived in the same dorm last year and I saw her for the first time this semester. I had to do a double take because this girl was unhealthy. I won't go into anymore detail on the physical appearance because I think we all have the idea, but what I saw once again brought a lump into my throat. I crossed the street and she went her way and I was just praying that she was getting the help she needed and had the support like I have been blessed with.

I then starting thinking, more like questioning, why I'm so open about my struggles. Body image issues, food obsessions and eating disorders are so secretive. No one wants to admit to anyway that they are dealing with it because they think they don't have a right to struggle with it or they blame themselves that they got into the situation themselves so why should they go and "complain" to others about it. Girls believe that everyone's problems are worse than their own so they refuse to open up to anyone because of that "extra burden" that they would be causing. Many times the thought is that it isn't a problem and if they tell anyone then it is going to blow up into something that it isn't, they think that they are still in control and telling others is unnecessary. And of course, shame and guilt go along with keeping secrets inside. Yes, I think all of these thoughts and many times believe them but for some reason I started sharing with people my secrets and slowly it became easier and easier for me. Do I wish sometimes that no one knew? Yes, almost on a daily basis I wish I could take it all back so it was only my secret again. Being in the dark seems easier, giving into our hurts and sinful ways means you don't have to fight against them. So why on earth am I someone who talks so openly about it on the internet, to friends and family?

It's difficult being so vulnerable. Being exposed to so many people is terrifying. Walking around feeling as if everyone is staring right through you is not pleasant. But I can say confidently that it has been worth it for me. God has blessed me more than I think I realize at this moment in time, with the gift to use my struggles, recovery and faith to speak to others. I want girls to know that they aren't the only ones in the world who look in the mirror and see lies, I want people to learn from the mistakes I've made, the signs I've ignored and the help I've pushed away for so long. I want people to see that it is possible to have a relationship with the Lord while you feel as if you are living in a desert of nothing. I want God to be revealed through the storm I've been traveling and still continue to travel. If we all kept our secrets inside then how can we use our stories to tell others about our saving Father? If someone doesn't put their foot forward out of their comfort zone then what hope do others have for a life of freedom? God has slowly guided me out of the comfort zone of hiding my struggles. He didn't do that without a purpose. I trust that He will use me as He wishes and I am willing to follow as He leads me to whomever He wishes to touch.

We serve a mighty God and if He tells us to go and share the good news, that there is hope and everlasting life with Him then that is what we should do. And I pray I serve God in the way He wants me to.

James 1:1-13