Got Questions?

Here's the deal. From my blogger expert and advice giver, Allicia Garza, I have learned that in order to keep people reading and wanting to read more you have to grab your audience. You must please them with posts that intrigue them and coming back for more. If they're bored then you are basically shit out of luck.

So are you ready for the deal? I want to hear from you! I sorta feel like the Uncle Sam poster board where he is pointing his finger at you and saying, "we want you" or whatever he says. But that's exactly what I want, you! Questions, topics, suggestions, concerns, ANYTHING please send my way! I will write to your needs and desires. Sorta like a wish list if you will.

Now, don't go getting your panties in a wad because you don't want to give your identity up with a certain question you have. We have several options on how to go about doing this:
1.) Email me: caitlan.salerno@gmail.com
2.) Text me (you can call but I probably won't answer…just saying): 214-564-2173
3.) Facebook me: http://www.facebook.com/caitlansalerno
4.) Comment on the blog: For my pantie wadders - you can choose to leave an "anonymous comment" on the drop down screen. No one will know who left the comment. Your identity remains safe and secure :)

If you choose to reveal yourself please let me know if you want me to leave your name off of the post or if you're okay with me addressing you as the "owner of the question/post".

Don't be shy. I want to hear from you, for real I do. So I better get something from someone! If not then it will be a very sad day, no joke.

love.love.love

A Mother's Protection

There was recently a news report of a mother who was home alone with her baby boy one evening. Her son was asleep when she heard someone trying to break into her house. She picked up a gun and the phone to call 911. When on the phone with the dispatch she asked if it were okay to shoot the intruders if they were to come into the house. She also made it known to the individuals on the otherside of the door that she had a gun and wasn't afraid to use it on them. She ended up shooting and killing the one intruder in order to protect her three month old son. Charges are not being pressed.

I think one of the main morals to this article is that you need to stay clear of a mom and her baby, no matter what. From what I have heard when a mother is protecting her child there is no telling what she is capable of doing, nothing in the entire world matters except keeping her babies safe. She must protect them, that is her job and no one is going to stop her.

I tell you this because I have recently found myself boiling with anger over things that would have never caused me to get angry in previous months or years. There have been a few times at Renfrew where I was getting so angry when girls were talking about what they were struggling with or how they weren't sure if they fully wanted recovery or they didn't exactly think they had that big of a problem. It took everything in me to refrain from exploding in a rage of hate and anger towards these ladies. I didn't understand and I honestly hated myself for it and still do. I would sit in group rapidly write in my journal asking for God to take away the anger and reveal to me what was causing it and why.

I have always been a compassionate person, ESPECIALLY towards thoughs struggling through the same things as myself. I have been in the exact same spot as those who are doubting recovery or doubting any ounce of hope. I have been there. So why on earth was I being such a hypocrite and fuming inside when these girls were just being honest.

Well, God answered my questions one evening on my way home from IOP. I have recently given birth to recovery, to a baby if you will. My baby is little, has a weak immune system and so very vulnerable. I am a new mom that is willing to do anything to protect her baby or in my case recovery. For the first time, literally the first time, I have seen a glimpse of recovery, I have held it in my arms and gently rocked it, careful not to disrupt it. When I feel that someone or something is threatening that I go into mom mode and want to run to a safe zone that is far from any danger. I don't want to lose recovery and I don't want to jeapordize it by exposing it to triggering situations. I need to keep my baby safe, however that needs to happen.

Now, obviously I am not gonna go and shoot anyone but I've found myself constantly on guard. My eating disorder has been my baby for so long and it doesn't like all the attention that recovery is getting so it's loud, really loud and acting out which just doesn't help at all. It's hard to protect your children in a world that is full of sin at every corner you turn. The same goes for recovery, it's hard to protect any amount you have when everywhere you turn there are weight loss ads, facebook statuses on weight, pinterest pictures, diet commercials and TV shows glamorizing thinness. You can't help but get angry, you just can't help it.

The world makes it close to impossible to protect anything good and sacred in your eyes. Satan will find a way to make your life of protecting any amount of good miserable but I serve a powerful God. With Him nothing is impossible and if that means sheltering my recovery under His arms than so be it. I can only pray that God will protect the work I have done to this point and continue to guide me to the light and away from the darkness that has engulfed me for so many years.

A Change of Heart, Literally.

I am currently sitting in my Childhood Development class and reminiscing back to my tenth grade year of high school and taking Mrs. Koslan's Early Development class. That was the first time I ever was able to do field work in an actual classroom during the school day for elementary students. Oh man I just fell in love with that class and the little babies at those schools. A lot of the information on the powerpoint that we are talking about today is rushing back into my brain from her class, I bet she would be proud and happy to hear that :)

I write today (this morning) because my heart is weighing heavy with the word idolatry. Now, all of you Austin Stoners are probable thinking, "That's what the sermon was yesterday at church"!

Bingo. Pat yourself on the back, go ahead. While I don't live in Austin I still do my best to podcast the sermons as much as I can. And now while I have a good hour drive to and from Denton three times a week I've decided to take advantage of that time and stay up to date with my sermons from both Austin Stone and The Village. So for those of you NOT from Austin and don't attend The Austin Stone Community Church the service yesterday was the first of a series about idolatry. I am going to post the link to the podcast at the end of the post because my heart is just so longing for so many to listen to it, especially those I have meet in treatment (wherever that may have been).

A question that I have been asked on multiple occasions is, "What is your favorite attribute of yourself?" or "What is your favorite part about your body?" and the infamous, "is there any part of your body you like?". These sound familiar? Yeah, I don't like them very much either. They almost seem like a trick question or a trap, ya know? But I always had an answer and it was the same one every time. I would write this answer when it was asked in a questionnaire, verbally express this when asked and shoot I might have even blogged about it before. My answer?

The heart. That's what I would say when asked what my favorite part of my body was. My heart. This is what would be said after a long pause (for dramatic effect probably…just kidding I have no idea why but there probably was a pause), " I like my heart. It's in the right place. I mean well. I want to love on people, I love Jesus and I don't want to be so caught up in the sins that I am caught up in." I truly believed this. Whole heartedly (no pun intended ;) I believed that my heart was the best part of my entire body, even in the deepest and darkest parts of my eating disorder and life. I was sure that because I knew obsessing over weight and food was not right that my heart was in the right place, it was pure and it was the best part of my entire body. When in reality people, MY HEART WAS WHAT WAS WORSHIPPING THE SCALE, THE FOOD, THE PEOPLE, THE SIZE AND THE CALORIES!! It was my heart that was darkened, cold and distant from everything I thought it was!

I didn't realize this until just over the past few months. I actually, to be honest, didn't accept this realization until the last few weeks of 2012, literally. Rachael, my first therapist at Renfrew was the one who blew that shit out of the water for me. I can remember fuming, probably smoke spewing out of my ears, arms crossed across my chest, leg propped up on my other leg and crocodile tears spilling onto my heated face and her telling me how it sounded like I needed a change of heart. "No, no I don't. My heart is in the right place. It isn't dark like you say it is. You have no idea what you are talking about." Buttons were being pushed that I didn't like. How dare she say my heart needs to be turned in a new direction, that it sounds like my heart is full of anger and hate! That's the BEST part of my body, it isn't wrong and it most certainly doesn't need to be turned in a new direction! This then lead to a phase of hatred towards Rachael, a lot of tears and requesting for a new therapist.

And I thought my heart was in the right place? Goodness.

I say all of this because it wasn't until that day of hearing it was my heart that was worshipping my sin, idoling my sin and literally bowing down to my sin that I started questioning whether my heart actually was in the right place. I started questioning that maybe she was onto something when she said I don't turn to God in tough situations, I turn to food (whether that's eating it or not eating it). Maybe when I would chose to self harm instead of opening up my Bible that meant my heart really did need some work.

Once I began to allow my walls to break down and accept the fact that my heart was not worshipping God but everything and everyone else is when I started to notice changes. Now, this didn't happen over night nor did it happen the second I realized Rachael knew what she was talking about. It was a grueling process and poor Rachael got the brunt of dealing with me during the last few weeks she was at Renfrew. I fought it hard because turning my heart to God meant turning it away from my comfort zone, what I knew was safe and my safety net. That is scary. I'm still terrified and I still hesitate daily when I get urges to act on symptoms or behaviors. I fail daily still but I am also turning to God daily. Baby steps is all it takes.

My heart is not in the right place but I am in the process of "detoxing" it if you will. I am in the process of turning my heart and my eyes to God, to the heavens verses to earthly things that I have placed on a peddle stool.

A switch has been turned on (or off) my treatment team has been saying within the last week (in a good and positive way) or so. I like to call it a change of heart, literally.

What are your idols? Where is your heart turning to when you are in tough situations, rough patches or feelings of anger and sadness fill your mind? What is your heart worshipping? Be honest with yourself. Be honest with others and most importantly, be honest with the Creator of the world.

Counterfeit Love: Idols Defined

(Podcast from The Austin Stone Community Church)

Valentine's Day Ribbon Topiary

So I've been spending some time over the past week or so working on several craft projects and I have thoroughly been enjoying myself. This is probably one of the major benefits of working at a craft store, getting to see everybody's ideas and visions for decorating and crafting. Plus, when you are walking around Michael's all day you get to see what's on sale, what products are actually available and learn to be quite the thrifty crafter and craft shopper! I'm gonna do a post on that probably tomorrow or the next day….being a smart craft purchaser. Because let me tell you there are so many customers and individuals who are oblivious as to how to be smart when it comes to interior design and craft projects.

Project #1: Valentine Ribbon Topiary

Yes, this is a project from Michaels. I actually saw the idea while I was working on the ribbon aisle one day and the top of the shelf had a picture (the one on the hyperlink) and I thought to myself, "hey, I want to make that". So I did :)

Supplies: hot glue gun (which I actually ended up not using as much as I thought I would) I jut used it to glue the ribbon around the pot. But if you feel that you need to glue the stick (stem) into the styrofoam ball than that's what it's there for!

2 styrofoam balls. One for inside the pot to stick the stem into and the other for the base of the flower/topiary. Again, you can hot glue gun the stick into these for more stability if needed. Make sure that you get the size styrofoam that is going to fit into your clay pot or whatever type of base you're using.

Also, get a wooden stick for the stem. You can find these at Michaels, Hancock's and Hobby Lobby. Probably even Home Depot. I had to cut mine, which I think you will have to with any size stick you get.

RIBBON!! My favorite part! Mine was obviously Valentine's Day themed so I got Valentine's Day ribbon. Any size will work. The majority of mine were the thiner size ribbon but towards the end I threw some larger ribbon in to help with the volume. The green ribbon is for the stem, obviously. Of course you can use any color if you wish.

You will also need push pins. I think the Michaels website calls for floral pins but I used sewing pins with pearl tips to blend in. So all you do is cut your ribbon a few inches. I think it's 4.25inches to be exact but after awhile I was just guestimating the size by looking at it.

You then take that piece of ribbon and fold it over so it looks like a loop. Stick it into the styrofoam with the push pin and repeat. A lot. You repeat a lot. I used up ALL the ribbon I bought!

Then add any type of material to cover the styrofoam ball that is in the pot. Because mine was in a flower pot I covered it with moss. Which by the way is actually really messy and not my favorite but it turned out looking better than I thought it would.

And there you have it :) It's going to be a centerpiece so I'll show you that once it's in place!

Have a great day. And to everyone starting school today…go be rockstars!

love.love.love

Roadrunner to Longhorn to Eagle KAWW KAWW

Good morning lovelies! It's the Sunday before school starts back up again for so many of us, including myself! Wahoo :) I attended orientation for UNT this past Friday. Probably the longest day of my life but it was still just fabulous. I was actually quite proud of myself because for once in my entire life I went into orientation with absolutely NO idea of what my schedule was going to look like. I had no notes about researched classes, times and professors. I came with a coffee in hand and my camera and my big purse/suitcase and that's it. Progress? I think so.

To make this long day short for you I registered for two classes. I made sure to make them on the same days since I will be commuting from Plano to Denton and I would rather spend my money on something else than gas. A good portion of my classes from UTSA and UT transferred and we're still looking at a few of them to see if they can transfer or not. I don't have my books yet or supplies and I don't eve think I have a backpack here in Plano but I'm actually oddly calm about it and for that I thank Jesus. I have zero idea where my classes are to be held. I know that the Matthews building is the education building and the union is pretty close to that. The health center is about as far as Africa is from the US (I had to update my meningitis shot, which hurt like a mother). BUT all is good. After a good semester and a half I am registered for classes again. Maybe not at the university that I thought they were going to be at but still I'm back on track for my goal of graduating with an education degree and that is what is important to me.

Now, all of my Phi Lambs out there. UNT has a Phi Lamb and I have been debating whether or not I want to join or not. Am I suppose to be loyal to UT's chapter for the rest of my life or can I join another chapter? Will I compare to much and not enjoy it at all? Advice? Feedback? I saw that they had a booth set up at the orientation on Friday and do you think I go talk to them?

No.

My reason? They are sitting next to the BYX table. I am so lame. Geez. BUT they looked normal, yeah? Okay so we're praying for that.

Want some pictures? Here ya go!

Got to spend some time with these lovely girls in Denton after orientation. Perfect end to a day!

Gorgeous girls!

"Whoa Caitlan that's a lot of pictures" "Y'all are the first people I can take pictures of other than my dog and sister!"

The older they get the hotter they look...

Grandmother treated us to scratch offs after emptying my storage unit out. We didn't win anything but it's the thrill of the scratching that counts!

Morgan has left me for Austin. Sad day in the Salerno household.

It's been quite a chunk of time since my previous post. Now, I have started about five posts only to stop half way, draft them for later or delete them entirely. Nothing seemed right or genuine as I begin typing out sentences and paragraphs. I was arguing with myself about being too negative and not having anything new to write about and being a hypocrite for talking about Jesus and recovery but not acting on those things personally. Like I said, nothing felt "right".

So I didn't blog, I stayed away from Facebook and reduced my list of "go-to supports". I chatted with Shele (my new therapist. Rachael moved to work at her private practice full time about a month or so ago) about how I can't tell if I'm isolating because the eating disorder is telling me to do so or if I am just choosing to take a break from other people and focus more on going to God. I'm still processing those thoughts and ideas because to this day I'm having a hard time with releasing my codependency ways. So maybe I've been isolating because of the eating disorder or maybe because God was calling me into a period of solitude but for whatever reason I have been blessed with a peaceful heart from my time of leave, if you will.

I've turned a new corner in treatment today. I'm going to back up a few days to give you the full story so bare (spelling?) with me…

A few days ago I was asked when I would be moving my things out of the Caswell house in Austin. Between work, family and treatment I haven't had the chance to make the trip down south. So my mind starting freaking out a tad as to how I was going to get to Austin by this Friday and move everything out. You only get one to two days "off" of treatment before you're kicked out. I then find out that the only option for UNT's transfer orientation was this Friday from 8:00am-5:00pm. Right in the middle of treatment. I now had two strikes against me and was praying for God to show me how to make this work and not get kicked out of Renfrew. Surprisingly though I did have a strange sense of calmness about the whole ordeal. Monday (today) rolls around and I plan on talking to Shele about my dilemmas at the end of the day to figure out a master plan. During one of the groups I catch myself questioning (to myself) whether I felt I was ready to step back down into IOP or not. This caught me off guard because the week prior I was shacking in fear of the idea of all the freedom. I tried to push the question to the back of my head but it just kept popping up again.

After another 45 minutes of pondering this odd question I find out that insurance probably isn't going to be covering day treatment anymore and on Thursday I'll be stepping back down to IOP. I pause for a second, get a few goose bumps and smile confidently because the news of me stepping down was no surprise, God had already given me a heads up and a peace of mind about it. So things fell into place. I will be driving to Austin after day treatment on Wednesday to officially move out of the storage unit and Caswell house. I will be back in time for IOP on Thursday night and then attend UNT's orientation and register for my first classes as an eagle (I think that's their mascot).

I felt good today. I felt God moving and I felt blessings bloom from what I labeled as disasters. It's been such a whirlwind of a year in 2011 that I am not even shocked ( I actually am) that I ended up back in the Dallas area, leaving UT and starting my life over with new people, places and habits. God's been good. Man has He been good. This isn't the end of recovery for me. I know that. I'm still very much in recovery and very much in a vulnerable state but today the light became a little clearer for me and for that I am grateful.