I write today (this morning) because my heart is weighing heavy with the word idolatry. Now, all of you Austin Stoners are probable thinking, "That's what the sermon was yesterday at church"!
Bingo. Pat yourself on the back, go ahead. While I don't live in Austin I still do my best to podcast the sermons as much as I can. And now while I have a good hour drive to and from Denton three times a week I've decided to take advantage of that time and stay up to date with my sermons from both Austin Stone and The Village. So for those of you NOT from Austin and don't attend The Austin Stone Community Church the service yesterday was the first of a series about idolatry. I am going to post the link to the podcast at the end of the post because my heart is just so longing for so many to listen to it, especially those I have meet in treatment (wherever that may have been).
A question that I have been asked on multiple occasions is, "What is your favorite attribute of yourself?" or "What is your favorite part about your body?" and the infamous, "is there any part of your body you like?". These sound familiar? Yeah, I don't like them very much either. They almost seem like a trick question or a trap, ya know? But I always had an answer and it was the same one every time. I would write this answer when it was asked in a questionnaire, verbally express this when asked and shoot I might have even blogged about it before. My answer?
The heart. That's what I would say when asked what my favorite part of my body was. My heart. This is what would be said after a long pause (for dramatic effect probably…just kidding I have no idea why but there probably was a pause), " I like my heart. It's in the right place. I mean well. I want to love on people, I love Jesus and I don't want to be so caught up in the sins that I am caught up in." I truly believed this. Whole heartedly (no pun intended ;) I believed that my heart was the best part of my entire body, even in the deepest and darkest parts of my eating disorder and life. I was sure that because I knew obsessing over weight and food was not right that my heart was in the right place, it was pure and it was the best part of my entire body. When in reality people, MY HEART WAS WHAT WAS WORSHIPPING THE SCALE, THE FOOD, THE PEOPLE, THE SIZE AND THE CALORIES!! It was my heart that was darkened, cold and distant from everything I thought it was!
I didn't realize this until just over the past few months. I actually, to be honest, didn't accept this realization until the last few weeks of 2012, literally. Rachael, my first therapist at Renfrew was the one who blew that shit out of the water for me. I can remember fuming, probably smoke spewing out of my ears, arms crossed across my chest, leg propped up on my other leg and crocodile tears spilling onto my heated face and her telling me how it sounded like I needed a change of heart. "No, no I don't. My heart is in the right place. It isn't dark like you say it is. You have no idea what you are talking about." Buttons were being pushed that I didn't like. How dare she say my heart needs to be turned in a new direction, that it sounds like my heart is full of anger and hate! That's the BEST part of my body, it isn't wrong and it most certainly doesn't need to be turned in a new direction! This then lead to a phase of hatred towards Rachael, a lot of tears and requesting for a new therapist.
And I thought my heart was in the right place? Goodness.
I say all of this because it wasn't until that day of hearing it was my heart that was worshipping my sin, idoling my sin and literally bowing down to my sin that I started questioning whether my heart actually was in the right place. I started questioning that maybe she was onto something when she said I don't turn to God in tough situations, I turn to food (whether that's eating it or not eating it). Maybe when I would chose to self harm instead of opening up my Bible that meant my heart really did need some work.
Once I began to allow my walls to break down and accept the fact that my heart was not worshipping God but everything and everyone else is when I started to notice changes. Now, this didn't happen over night nor did it happen the second I realized Rachael knew what she was talking about. It was a grueling process and poor Rachael got the brunt of dealing with me during the last few weeks she was at Renfrew. I fought it hard because turning my heart to God meant turning it away from my comfort zone, what I knew was safe and my safety net. That is scary. I'm still terrified and I still hesitate daily when I get urges to act on symptoms or behaviors. I fail daily still but I am also turning to God daily. Baby steps is all it takes.
My heart is not in the right place but I am in the process of "detoxing" it if you will. I am in the process of turning my heart and my eyes to God, to the heavens verses to earthly things that I have placed on a peddle stool.
A switch has been turned on (or off) my treatment team has been saying within the last week (in a good and positive way) or so. I like to call it a change of heart, literally.
What are your idols? Where is your heart turning to when you are in tough situations, rough patches or feelings of anger and sadness fill your mind? What is your heart worshipping? Be honest with yourself. Be honest with others and most importantly, be honest with the Creator of the world.
(Podcast from The Austin Stone Community Church)
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