So I didn't blog, I stayed away from Facebook and reduced my list of "go-to supports". I chatted with Shele (my new therapist. Rachael moved to work at her private practice full time about a month or so ago) about how I can't tell if I'm isolating because the eating disorder is telling me to do so or if I am just choosing to take a break from other people and focus more on going to God. I'm still processing those thoughts and ideas because to this day I'm having a hard time with releasing my codependency ways. So maybe I've been isolating because of the eating disorder or maybe because God was calling me into a period of solitude but for whatever reason I have been blessed with a peaceful heart from my time of leave, if you will.
I've turned a new corner in treatment today. I'm going to back up a few days to give you the full story so bare (spelling?) with me…
A few days ago I was asked when I would be moving my things out of the Caswell house in Austin. Between work, family and treatment I haven't had the chance to make the trip down south. So my mind starting freaking out a tad as to how I was going to get to Austin by this Friday and move everything out. You only get one to two days "off" of treatment before you're kicked out. I then find out that the only option for UNT's transfer orientation was this Friday from 8:00am-5:00pm. Right in the middle of treatment. I now had two strikes against me and was praying for God to show me how to make this work and not get kicked out of Renfrew. Surprisingly though I did have a strange sense of calmness about the whole ordeal. Monday (today) rolls around and I plan on talking to Shele about my dilemmas at the end of the day to figure out a master plan. During one of the groups I catch myself questioning (to myself) whether I felt I was ready to step back down into IOP or not. This caught me off guard because the week prior I was shacking in fear of the idea of all the freedom. I tried to push the question to the back of my head but it just kept popping up again.
After another 45 minutes of pondering this odd question I find out that insurance probably isn't going to be covering day treatment anymore and on Thursday I'll be stepping back down to IOP. I pause for a second, get a few goose bumps and smile confidently because the news of me stepping down was no surprise, God had already given me a heads up and a peace of mind about it. So things fell into place. I will be driving to Austin after day treatment on Wednesday to officially move out of the storage unit and Caswell house. I will be back in time for IOP on Thursday night and then attend UNT's orientation and register for my first classes as an eagle (I think that's their mascot).
I felt good today. I felt God moving and I felt blessings bloom from what I labeled as disasters. It's been such a whirlwind of a year in 2011 that I am not even shocked ( I actually am) that I ended up back in the Dallas area, leaving UT and starting my life over with new people, places and habits. God's been good. Man has He been good. This isn't the end of recovery for me. I know that. I'm still very much in recovery and very much in a vulnerable state but today the light became a little clearer for me and for that I am grateful.
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