Vegan Cupcakes

I have always had a small desire to bake something vegan. Somehow I convinced myself that baking something with no animal products would taste better than cooking something. Now, even though I don't eat meat, minus seafood, Ihaven't made the jump to no animals at all. I'm not convinced yet that it's any healthier than just organic foods but I haven't closed the vegan door just yet. So Taryn was my guinea pig since her birthday was the first one since my vegan curiosity started. Lets just say when I told her I was making her vegan cupcakes she was hesitant.

Chocolate Surprise Vegan Cupcakes

Click on the link (^) for the exact directions and ingredients.

This was the brand of cream cheese I used and one of the few ingredients I was hesitant about using. Of course, I did my share of researching vegan cream cheese brands before I chose which one I was going to buy and to be honest they all sounded bad for you. This was the only brand HEB had and I didn't feel like going to Whole Foods or Central Market so this is what I got.

Yes, there is tofu in the cream cheese, you wouldn't know it was in there if I didn't just tell you.

I was okay with that in the ingredients but then it started listing words like;Water, expeller processed natural oil blend (soybean, palmfruit and olive), maltodextrin, soy protein, tofu, non-dairy lactic acid, blend of natural gums (locust bean, guar, cellulose, xanthan and carrageenan), organic sugar, vegan mono and diglycerides, salt

The bolded items are the ingredients that concerned me. I may have found that they aren't as bad as they look but I have yet to research them. My rule is if I can't pronounce it then it isn't something grown from the ground.

Ingredient numero dos that I was a little suspicious about.

Ingredients: Evaporated Cane Juice, Chocolate Liquor, Non-Dairy Cocoa Butter NO TRANS FAT, NO ARTIFICIAL INGREDIENTS, VEGAN, KOSHER PAREVE, GLUTEN-FREE, CASEIN-FREE

Okay, so these ingredients don't look half as bad as the cream cheese but I'm still not sold on them just yet.

Everything else on the ingredient list was normal sugar, flour, vanilla etc. I made sure to use organic everything. The only thing I could not find dairy free was a chocolate bar but to make up for it I got one that was; organic, fair trade and a portion of the cost went to save animals going extinct. So no need to feel guilty :)

In the end I would say they were pretty darn tasty. Even Taryn, my non organic/natural/meat eating/far from vegan friend liked them. So that's a good sign:) But like I said I'm not convinced it's healthier than organic food choices. But I'm gonna keep doing my research :)

Picture to come of Taryn with her animal-less cupcakes :)

Being Lead

Good evening my fabulous followers and readers. As I mentioned a few posts back I have been spending quality time with God and it's been such a breath of fresh air. The coffee has been traded for hot tea, water, diet coke and as of last night a glass of wine but He's still been faithful in guiding me to where I need to be lead throughout the Bible.

1 Peter was the first book I felt called to take time in and what perfect timing did He have with that. Joy through suffering was the theme that was laid out plain and clear for me to see. Although I have not gotten to the point where I have been able to full comprehend what that looks like on me or in my situation I have found comfort in knowing that it is possible to rejoice in times of such darkness and sorrow.

"For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example that you should follow in his footsteps." 1 Peter 2:21

After the service at church yesterday I decided to take a deeper look into Ephesians and the verse that captured my eyes right away was;

"In him we were also chosen, destined in accord with the purpose of the One who accomplishes all things according to the intention of his will, so that we might exist for the praise of his glory, we who first hoped in Christ." Ephesians 1:11-12

Now, I don't know about y'all but I was always taught in english that if you were going to add anything extra into your sentence with commas your sentence still had to make sense if you took out the extra part all together. For example, "In him we were also chosen so that we might exist for the praise of his glory...". I read and read and then reread the shortened verse again last night, this morning and right now. It somehow clicked for me that we were chosen by God, He chose me, to exist for one thing and one thing only and that is to praise His name and His glory. I believe that right there is joy, praising our God. And if we are to be joyous during our sufferings than that to me means knowing there is a brighter future for you and you may not see it until you get to heaven but until then you continue praising your Father no matter what because He chose you to do just that.

This is the prayer I pray for myself as well as every other human being who looks in the mirror and is blinded by our societies scandals from what God created you to be, perfect and beautiful in every way.

Father, help me to live in the reality of this moment and accept the truth about myself. Guard me from self hatred, and teach me to love myself as You love me. Allow this love for who You are, who I am, and who You created me to be, to motivate me today to love myself more. Today I need the reality of Your love to replace the perceptions of this world. Amen.

- From the book, "The Body God Designed" by Gregory L. Jantz

Also, it's this pretty ladies 21st birthday today. If you haven't already told her happy birthday now would be the time :)

At a Cross Road

I have been sitting in Dominican Joe's for the last hour and a half attempting to make a new blog or website. Talk about a huge waste of time. I don't know why I feel so compelled to create a new one when I have one that works just fine already. I have found myself recently questioning why I blog. Am I just thriving for attention or am I trying to change someone else's life when I can't even fix my own? Am I using this as a soap box or am I desperately seeking for love from others when what I'm looking for only comes through Christ? What is my point of this thing? It feels as if I just go in circles when writing in it. I write when I have an insight of good and when I have an insight of bad and it cycles around like that over and over again.

Blogging is something I enjoy, it's a release for me but I can't tell if there is a point to it or not. I guess I thought if I started over with a brand new shiny blog then I could start my story over, start fresh how I choose to write or how I choose to share things. Maybe be more honest or maybe not even mention my struggles. Maybe I just talk about what Jesus is teaching me or maybe I only talk about crafting. Who knows? I can word vomit when I write but I want to write with a purpose and I don't know if that is what it looks like to others. I visualize in my brain what I want to write and how I want it to look but it never comes across that way when I create a new post.

I'm at a crossroads and it isn't a blogging crossroads. I've reached a place where I can continue forward, make a left, make a right or turn around. Currently I'm standing still, staring into each direction and trying to figure out what would happen if I chose that direction. It doesn't work like that though. You choose a road based on faith and that is what I'm searching for as I sit and wait to move. I want to blog about my life paths and choices and turns, some have been wrong and some have been correct but they have lead me to where I am now and I want to put words to my emotions and thoughts. But like I said I'm questioning my purpose in blogging. My purpose in sharing what I have to share and whether or not there is a point to it anymore.

For now I can only pray that God will take hold of my heart and gently lead me to where He wants me to be and if it is His will for me to share where that is, then so be it.

Coffee With Jesus

A few days ago I found myself sitting on the floor of LifeWay Christian Book Store. Now, this was not an abnormal thing for me, sitting on the floor flipping through books, but the difference was the tears starting to well up in my eye lids. I could feel the lump in my throat as I became more aware of the fact that my heart was aching for Jesus, the tears I desperately were holding back were meant for weeping, for repenting of my selfish ways and realizing how our Sovereign God was telling my heart to grab His outstretched hand and let Him carry me.

"Caitlan. My daughter, put down those books and pick yourself up off the floor. Together lets go and get acquainted once again. Let me reintroduce myself to you my precious child. Let me tell you the love I have for you and let me tell you stories of healings, saints and grace. Yes, I already know everything about you, Caitlan but I want to hear about you from your own words. I want to hear your voice telling me your pains, hurt, joys and doubt. I want to hear you reading scripture, My Word, because that is music to My ears. My beautiful and broken child it has been far too long since we have last spoken. Lets change that, one day at a time."

These are the words that I heard over the next 24 hours. In obedience and desire for my Father I will be meeting Him for coffee on a daily basis. I will listen to Him as He shares His knowledge and love with me and He will listen to me as I cry out for help. I have set aside the book of Romans and will focus on nothing but Jesus and myself. He will lead me to the scriptures and stories He wants me to read. He will guide me as I work on knocking down my walls of doubt and mistrust. He will be my eyes until mine are no longer fogged with sin and lies. Most importantly He will love me even if it takes me a while to feel that warmth.

‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’

And Jesus Said Go

"And Jesus came and said to them, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age."

Matthew 28:18-20

This morning I attended two different church services. I felt the need to try a new church out, of course I spent the entire morning attempting to talk myself out of going and just attend the service I regularly attend. But what do you know I actually went through and tried something new! Wahoo :) Although I was not super impressed and impacted by the church, the service did touch me in a way I wasn't expecting. Now remember, it's been a while since I've been to church due to my strike (which I humbly stepped down from a few days ago), so I went in praying for God to clear my mind of any distractions, open my ears to what He wanted me to hear and most importantly open my heart for what ever God wanted me to learn and apply to my life.

The service was on the church's missionary groups that are placed around the world. Huge strides have been made for these countries and the peoples of these nations in hearing the gospel and learning about Jesus. As they streamed videos from current church members that have been placed across seas I kept thinking of those that I personally know preaching God's Word all over the world this summer. Those who have taken time from their lives, their comfort zones and family to reach the unreached, to love on the hopeless and to be the hands and feet of Jesus Christ. I left with a feeling of excitement for those experiencing a life that is so different from what we as American's are used to. I am proud of my friends, just like a parent who watched their child score a goal or graduate. I was proud of them for doing something that is scary, uncertain and exhausting on every level. The faith and trust missionaries put in Christ is unbelievable and leaves me in awe of the love of Christ they have in their heart.

I headed over to Stone after, praying the same things I did for the first service. I was prepared for God to teach me something I could apply for myself and my life situations. Well, God had other plans (of course). Stone streamed a video of a missional community from UT reaching out to the internationals on the campus. As it was stated in the video, 'the nations have come to Austin'. Tears filled my eyes and I wanted nothing more than to run to the bathroom, fall to my knees and pray for every person who is being missional this summer, who has been missional in the past and who lives each day with the intention to love on people as Jesus does. I am so thankful that God opened my eyes and heart up to others today, rather myself. He opened my eyes up to my friends who are working at summer camps all over Texas and even out of state. My friends who will be gone until August across seas and on continents they have never stepped foot on. He opened my eyes to those who are being missional right here in Austin and surrounding cities as well as those who are graduated and instead of applying for a high paying job they are serving communities all over, spreading the word on missions and Jesus Christ.

I have not had such a burning desire to pray for missionaries than I do today. I don't only want to pray for those I know specifically but for those that I don't know as well as the people they are reaching out to. I was humbled today by God, through people being obedient to Christ and going when Jesus said to go. I want to thank each and every missionary, no matter where you were or how long you were there, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are in my prayers and respected and loved by me more than you will ever know.

A Sinking Boat

Happy June from Austin, Texas. The pups and I ventured homeward for a few days last week. They did a fabulous job in the car, slept for a good portion of the 3 hours and then played quietly together in the carry crate. They were able to meet Auntie Morgan and Grandma Salerno as well as lots of friends and evena dog friend, Reekon our neighbors search and rescue dog! He was only about 20 x's bigger than the pups :) We found fleas on them which resulted in an afternoon of baths, and loads of wash but they were troopers and thank goodness for God-Mother Dani to help with all that! Her and Morgan were lifesavers as well as Grandma!

I have been avoiding talking about any form of recovery for a while, which you may have noticed or may not have. I have found myself at a dead end, any light that was shining at the end of the path has been covered back up with such a huge boulder that I don't know when it will budge again. I have been on a Jesus strike for almost a month now and my recovery team is thinking I may need more help than what I am getting now. My heart has turned cold and full of hurt and anger instead of love and peace.

There is a small burn in the bottom of my heart for Jesus but I am so angry at Him that I refuse to open my Bible or turn to Him at all throughout my days. I have been obedient, I have listened to Him and I have done things that I did not want to but did anyway because it was His call for me. I have poured myself into the Bible and have studied scripture, had conversations with God and surrounded myself with God loving people but He continues to leave me in this pit of self destruction. Why should I put so much of my energy into trusting Him when I hardly trust anyone anymore, I don't know if I even trust God because I feel so alone every single day. I don't believe that I will experience a life of freedom. I often tell myself that maybe how I'm living now is freedom and I'm just not accepting that so it doesn't feel as if I'm free. Maybe this is just who I am, my eating habits are just part of me and my extreme mood levels are just how my hormones work in my body. Maybe I'm just trying to work for something that is not possible for me, other people yes it is possible but not me.

I continue to listen to Jesus music all the time in hopes that I will be so convicted to fall to my knees and ask for God's forgiveness but it hasn't happened yet. I am so thankful for the girls in my life who have stepped forward to keep pushing me each day, gently encourage me of God's love for who I am and His grace He bestow's upon me no matter what my actions may be. Although I am not totally convinced with what they tell me deep down their sweet words keep that small fire burning, whether it's a fire of hope or life it hasn't burned out yet, it may be ever so small but it is still there.

Please remember when reading this that recovering from ANYTHING is unbelievably challenging. It takes your energy from you, the light in your life is taken, the laughter that comes from the pit of your stomach is stolen and the joy that used to flicker in your eyes has gone out. I choose to write out my thoughts, whether positive or negative, because it is important to know that life has a believer in Christ, life as someone who seems to be "normal" and "together" may not be a cheery walk in the park. I have a hard time journaling because I feel so called to share this out to whomever wishes to read it, so those that are sitting in the same sinking boat as myself won't feel alone. Because you have someone who is fighting along side with you to keep the boat afloat, day and night I am fighting with you.

Rediscovering You

Well, once again it has been a while since I have blogged and I hate that. I really don't have any excuse for not updating more often other than, "I don't have anything exciting to write about". Which would be a big fat lie. I have been called a diva from time to time over the years so I can make things exciting.

Over the past week I have been given the opportunity to talk

with several fabulous friends. Friends that I've known since we were five years old, one who I worked at Sky with and within one day we turned into lifelong friends and then one who has impacted my life at UT more than she knows. Each one of these girls are on different paths in life, they are in different stages; graduated and in the new world, starting her senior year in high school and beginning her internship before her last year of college. There are struggles that are webbed into each of these girls lives, some that have been there for years, some are recent and some that keep popping up in the back of thei

r mind. Despite the struggles, temptations and sin that tries to creep into their everyday life the one similarity between each beautiful girl is their pursuit for Jesus Christ.

I have been left speechless at the dedication, obedience and desire to search after our loving God that these girls show. As one heads off to live a life that is way different than anything she has ever done before, all to spread the news of how our world needs missionaries, another is ready to rediscover herself in Jesus Christ searching for where to begin in a Bible that can be so intimidating. One will be the hands and feet of Christ as she loves on a friend during a life changing trial and event that will one day be a beautifu

l blessing from God. Each one of these girls all have their eyes set on one thing and that is the cross, Jesus. They have opened their arms and heart to a trusting God and are willing to receive the grace and love that He will pour onto them.

Each one of these girls are true testaments as to what a daughter of Christ is, whether they realize it or not. What blessings God is going to bestow upon them through their journeys, both day and night. I have committed myself to prayer for them as they continue to put one foot in front of another out of faith and trust. I pray that what they discover along the way is an identity in Christ, a love that words can not describe and a Father that does no evil and finds beauty in every situation. I thank God for my ti

me to sit and listen to these girls and stir in my heart a need for Him. As I pray for these girls I also pray that God continues to turn my hard heart into a soft heart full of love; for myself, others and above all for Him.

If he walks in My statutes and My ordinances so as to deal faithfully— he is righteous and will surely live,” declares the Lord GOD.

-Ezekiel 18:9