A Sinking Boat

Happy June from Austin, Texas. The pups and I ventured homeward for a few days last week. They did a fabulous job in the car, slept for a good portion of the 3 hours and then played quietly together in the carry crate. They were able to meet Auntie Morgan and Grandma Salerno as well as lots of friends and evena dog friend, Reekon our neighbors search and rescue dog! He was only about 20 x's bigger than the pups :) We found fleas on them which resulted in an afternoon of baths, and loads of wash but they were troopers and thank goodness for God-Mother Dani to help with all that! Her and Morgan were lifesavers as well as Grandma!

I have been avoiding talking about any form of recovery for a while, which you may have noticed or may not have. I have found myself at a dead end, any light that was shining at the end of the path has been covered back up with such a huge boulder that I don't know when it will budge again. I have been on a Jesus strike for almost a month now and my recovery team is thinking I may need more help than what I am getting now. My heart has turned cold and full of hurt and anger instead of love and peace.

There is a small burn in the bottom of my heart for Jesus but I am so angry at Him that I refuse to open my Bible or turn to Him at all throughout my days. I have been obedient, I have listened to Him and I have done things that I did not want to but did anyway because it was His call for me. I have poured myself into the Bible and have studied scripture, had conversations with God and surrounded myself with God loving people but He continues to leave me in this pit of self destruction. Why should I put so much of my energy into trusting Him when I hardly trust anyone anymore, I don't know if I even trust God because I feel so alone every single day. I don't believe that I will experience a life of freedom. I often tell myself that maybe how I'm living now is freedom and I'm just not accepting that so it doesn't feel as if I'm free. Maybe this is just who I am, my eating habits are just part of me and my extreme mood levels are just how my hormones work in my body. Maybe I'm just trying to work for something that is not possible for me, other people yes it is possible but not me.

I continue to listen to Jesus music all the time in hopes that I will be so convicted to fall to my knees and ask for God's forgiveness but it hasn't happened yet. I am so thankful for the girls in my life who have stepped forward to keep pushing me each day, gently encourage me of God's love for who I am and His grace He bestow's upon me no matter what my actions may be. Although I am not totally convinced with what they tell me deep down their sweet words keep that small fire burning, whether it's a fire of hope or life it hasn't burned out yet, it may be ever so small but it is still there.

Please remember when reading this that recovering from ANYTHING is unbelievably challenging. It takes your energy from you, the light in your life is taken, the laughter that comes from the pit of your stomach is stolen and the joy that used to flicker in your eyes has gone out. I choose to write out my thoughts, whether positive or negative, because it is important to know that life has a believer in Christ, life as someone who seems to be "normal" and "together" may not be a cheery walk in the park. I have a hard time journaling because I feel so called to share this out to whomever wishes to read it, so those that are sitting in the same sinking boat as myself won't feel alone. Because you have someone who is fighting along side with you to keep the boat afloat, day and night I am fighting with you.