Tomorrow I Continue

I go into this new year with no resolutions and no goals.

Over the years I have found that they set me up for disappointment and failure.

I plan on continuing my walk tomorrow as if it weren't a new year.

I will continue seeking after the Lord,

learning to love myself and

breaking free from chains that have been bound to me for far too long.

Tomorrow will be no different than today.

Other than a single digit nothing "starts" for me tomorrow.

Tomorrow, January 1, 2011 I continue.

I continue with a soft heart, a gentle smile and want for joy;

not only for myself but for whoever may be in search of it.

Tomorrow God will provide me with what I need to make it through.

He has given me what I need to get through today.

I trust that He will take care of me one day at a time.

And that is all I need when I wake up tomorrow morning.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:34

A Lesson Learned at 3:30am

Several things happened last night:

1. Got a pedicure.
2. Lori (my FABULOUS nail lady) painfully dug through my big toes to fish out the in grown nails and skin.
3. Had a minor break down..
4. ..which resulted in a minor freak out.
5. Woke up at 3:00am to my toes throbbing...thanks Lori.
6. 3:30am..still throbbing. So I whipped out some baby diaper ointment (it disguised itself as vaseline) and bandaids thinking that would solve the problem.
7. Negative.
8. 3:45am-4:30am finished reading a book and read some refreshing scripture.
9. Prayed to God that I would sleep peacefully until a decent hour.
10. Well, that didn't happen but I did wake up to a new day, a smile on my face and of course a lesson learned from Him.

My freak out was centered around the fact that I had a not so good day, which then led me to believe that all of my good days before hand weren't really good days. AND because I had a bad day I was screwed for any days in the future because all my hard work was just shot to hell in one night. That's a lot to worry about when you are trying to have a restful night!

The book I finished this morning was Hope Help & Healing for Eating Disorders by Gregory L. Jantz, Ph.D. (that's a big accomplishment so I thought I would add it ;). Wonderful book by the way, I would encourage reading it! I am going to share a few passages from the book that I found to be God speaking directly to me.

"Your eating disorder has been demoralizing you for too long, draining you of your self-respect, numbing your emotions. Now, freed from the bondage of the past, expect to feel laughter, sadness, surprise, honest anger, and cleansing tears. Learning to live means reexperiencing and dealing with all the rush of emotions given to you by your Creator. As if you were blind and suddenly given sight, you will be free to feel the world again." (Jantz 199)

"You will also have to learn to deal with relapses. Stripped of the predictable behaviors of your eating disorder, you may feel naked when confronted with difficult situations. Expect this. Don't panic because of it. Your perfectionism will want to tell you that a momenary lapse spells failure forever. Don't listen! Perfect recovery shouldn't be expected; consistent progress is your goal. (Jantz 200)

Perfect recovery shouldn't be expected. Hallelujah! This statement goes for ANYONE! This is one of those "write on your mirrors" in big bold letters and read it to yourself everyday phrases because ladies and gentlemen PERFECT RECOVERY SHOULDN'T BE EXPECTED! You are going to have bad days but not because you have fallen back into your old ways or because you have failed at everything you have worked for but because EVERYONE HAS BAD DAYS! It's a part of life, there's ups and then there's downs, there is good news and then there will always be a little bit of bad news but that is okay!

Now, please hear me when I say this is not easy for me and for most people. Obviously I'm a living example of taking the bad day and stretching it to the extreme (last night cough cough). But it says in Lamentations 3:22-23 "Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." It's a new day, a new morning, a new opportunity for me to keep moving forward, no where does it say that I have to start over or take so many steps back. I keep going from where I put a pause on the road to recovery. Yes, there was a minor detour but I'll be the first to say that wasn't the first and won't be the last. But now I am able to look at it with a different perspective and I am going to have to learn how to deal and cope with tough days. I am going to have to re experience emotions that have been foreign to me for so long because I have suffocated those feelings with unhealthy coping mechanisms so I would feel nothing, numbness. God created emotions for a reason and I want to feel those and acknowledge that they are present and be able to live with them appropriately and be okay with them.

I want to encourage all those who are experiencing similar situations as myself to view it as a positive. You are stripping away the old you and are truly starting to feel life again. You aren't reacting to bad situations as you would have a few months ago or maybe even a few days ago and that is GREAT! But then you don't exactly know what to do with yourself or how to deal with the mass amount of emotions that are just sitting inside you. Don't worry it's a learning experience, we are learning how to live a life that is full of emotions. One day you will look at a bad day and think, 'oh well that sucked but that's alright it happens'. Pretty nice right? What a fabulous day that will be, a non-freak out bad day!

Hang in there. Take a hold of each day and know that God is right there with you. He's smiling at you as you choose to fight through the bad day verses crumble to the ground. You may not hear Him but He's cheering you on, "come on My child, you can do it. Keep pushing, don't give up. I have given you strength, just the right amount so you can make it through this rough patch. I'm right here, don't worry I will never leave your side My daughter."

Perfect recovery shouldn't be expected.

Prayer Request

Please pray for the sweet girl on the far left. That God will hold her hand as she continues through life. Pray that she will feel the love that God and her family has for her and that she knows she is being lifted up in prayer every day.

Your family will ALWAYS love you precious child.

Luke 18:16

We'll Praise Your Name Forever

**The title is a hyperlink :)

Merry Christmas!!!

Good morning beautiful friends and Merry Christmas! As I start writing this entry it's 8:40am on Christmas, I'm sitting in the living room with a fire in the fireplace, our Christmas tree lit with wonderfully wrapped gifts underneath (Santa came ;) and a cup of coffee in a Santa mug. Of course Morgan is still asleep and I don't dare go wake her up without knowing what she's hiding under her pillow ;)

Contentment, that's what I feel right now.

Blessed beyond words can describe.

Grateful, more so this year than previous holidays.

I finally "woke up" as to what the true meaning of Christmas is this year. Christmas songs are no longer just traditional seasonal songs rather beautiful lyrics with meaning behind them. They are now songs that I want to raise my hands in the air and truly sing from the bottom of my heart, not because I've had them memorized sense I was four but because we are singing praise to God for bringing His son to earth!

I read the story of Jesus's birth and am in awe of it as if I were reading it for the first time. Born in a manger? Jesus Christ, he was perfect in every way, he died on the cross for me and you and then rose again three days later. Born in a stable, with animals, hay and dirt, Jesus Christ. No one would allow Mary and Joseph into their homes so she could give birth to a baby. Would they have let them in knowing she was carrying the Savior? It blows my mind that the man who is so unconditionally in love with me and will continuously poor new blessings on me everyday was born on hay next to a horse. How has this never hit me so hard before this year?

Oh my goodness today is the day we celebrate Jesus's birthday! I mean seriously, He has SAVED US! He is the way we get eternal life at His right hand and today is the day we celebrate His birth! As I was enjoying a wonderful day with my family yesterday I realized that I would be perfectly fine waking up with no gifts under the tree because I've already received the greatest gift of all and that's all I need. The greatest gift of all, it's always been a cliché saying people say around Christmas time but boy is it the truth. A pair of jeans don't even compare to eternal life next to my King who loves me despite my past sins and despite my future sins. I want Jesus and I have Him and because of Him I have been blessed with so much more.

My prayer today is for those who don't know Jesus or know Him but haven't grasped that He wants a relationship with them. I pray for those who have anger towards God, unanswered questions that are causing them to turn their heads from Him. Those who have never been taught what the gospel is or who Jesus is and what He has done for us already and what He can do for us from here on out! My heart aches for the unreached, the lost and those who have lost hope but I also rejoice in the fact that we serve a mighty God and He has His hands on all of His children whether they realize it or not.

Have a fabulous day sweet sweet friends. I love you and so does Jesus! Let's not get too wrapped up in the "extra" stuff of Christmas and spend some time with Jesus today. He wants to hear from you :)

Holiday Survival Tips

Well, we are now almost a good week into Christmas break. A break that is meant for relaxing, family, friends, shopping, wrapping and baking. Sadly though this is not the case for many. November and December can be two of the most stressful and dreaded months for those who struggle with food and eating. Being around large amounts of people that you haven't seen in years and going to Christmas parties and dinners were the center of the event is focused on food are not so enjoyable. Normally, ones attitude would be to just make it through as quickly and painlessly as possible, avoid as many people as you can, eat just enough to where no one thinks anything of it and get out as soon as your able. A two week break can soon feel like the never ending food buffet with thousands of on lookers focusing on you.

Of course, this doesn't have to be the case and there are many ways to keep yourself away from triggering situations and being able to bring your heart rate back down in a reasonable manner. It isn't easy by any means. Thanksgiving and Christmas used to be my favorite holidays and I would count down the days until they arrived but now it's a different story. My countdown is more towards when they are over and I can go back to my comfort zone. I am trying though, I'm doing a lot of article reading that has been sent my way, Bible reading (like A LOT), talking with friends, allowing myself to eat the cookie and keeping my focus off of me and on others as well as Jesus.

I just want to encourage everyone who finds themselves in this boat that you CAN MAKE IT! Take it one day at a time, that's all. Don't worry about Christmas Eve dinner today because it's only Wednesday. Keep positive thoughts flowing constantly, post them around your room and bathroom, write them on your arm, put them in your wallet! Negativity will not help so just steer clear of it. I have survived several Christmas's and Thanksgiving's when I didn't think I would make it out alive and I plan on surviving this one as well but I plan on surviving AND enjoying myself a little bit more too. You should try it :)

The last three weeks in group we have been going over holiday survival! LOVE IT! I'm going to share with ya'll the do's and don'ts of the holidays! Anything in ()'s is a side note by me that I have found to help!

DO:

• Stay on your regular sleep schedule as best you can.
• Eat every few hours, regardless. (accountability in this area is a good idea. find someone who can love you still even if you get angry at them for asking)
• Drink 8 ounces of water, at least four glasses per day. (Set an alarm on your phone to go off a few times a day. When mine goes off it says, "Are you drinking water?")
• Get fresh air, take walks or just go outside for 10 minutes every so often.
• Practice mindfulness at least five times a day.
• Notice when you are feeling overwhelmed, stressed or overly anxious, take preventative measures to reduce these feelings as best you can.

DON'T:

• Forget to breath. (I find that I need to back away from the situation, go to a different room and literally breath in and out for a while)
• Drink too much caffeine. (I have a * by this one)
• Get too hungry, you will be more likely to restrict or binge. (another * by this one)
• Over schedule yourself, prioritize and try to get yourself appropriate time to transition from one thing to another.
• Get lost in expectations and 'should be's' and focus on what really is.
• Make any major decisions over the holidays. Wait until the second week of January. (I was going to get my nose pierced, then I read this...)

I have also given you a few REALLY good articles that have pointers too. These are articles from authors of books I've read and blogs that I follow from eating disorder specialists and centers. No need to read them all but know they are here for you. Also, remember that you aren't the only one who is freaking out about the Christmas cookies and fudge sitting in the kitchen right now. There's a lot of us and a lot of people who aren't freaking out anymore because they overcame this! So hang in there, hold your head up high and (ps my water alarm just went off ;) tackle today and today only.

I love you and so does Jesus! :)

The Five Top Holiday Eating Disorder Traps and How to Outwit Them

Twelve Ideas to Help Women with Eating Disorders Negotiate Thanksgiving and Christmas

Coping With A Loved Ones' Eating Disorder During the Holidays

Put the Fa La La La La Back into the Season

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

William Allen White

Coffee Sleeves!

I'm going into business! Who would have thought? Yesterday I tackled the sewing machine for the first time, with wonderful assistance from my mother. Sewing machines are tricky little things so props to whoever can handle them on a daily basis for more intense things than what I'm producing!

But I have finally found the time to do a craft that I have been wanting to do sense oh...FOREVER! And if I don't say so myself my final product didn't turn out to shabby :) So if you are in need of last minute Christmas presents or want one yourself or for whatever I will be MORE than happy to whip you up reusable coffee sleeve! Let me know what type of fabric or colors you would like and I can go from there!

The template is from a Starbucks sleeve so they should fit pretty much any coffee cup.

Cost you ask? Goodness I don't know...probably cheap. I'm poor so I'm just going to assume that most other college students are poor as well. And if you aren't poor then well you caught a break with this purchase :)

caitlan.salerno@gmail.com

The Good Stuff

Men always give the good stuff away first. Satan offers you the "pleasure" of sin first and then he gives you the "rest" of it. God gives pain first and then life.

I heard this in church tonight and right away was able to relate to it. The first thought that came to my mind was how society corrupts us into thinking we know what "true beauty" looks like. Magazines, TV shows, radio, newspaper ads and billboards all tell you how if you lost 5lbs or 2 inches then you can rock the skinny jeans. Did they tell you that losing those 5 extra pounds may put you under your healthy weight? A magazine may give a five day detox diet plan consisting of soup broth and orange juice to help you drop three sizes in time for prom. I bet they failed to mention that your energy will drop, you will manage to screw up your digestive system and more than likely crave sugary foods like no other which could lead to over eating. Those models that have such flat stomachs and can fit into any bathing suit they want to probably have irregular or lost periods which can lead to complications for future children, also meaning you don't have enough body fat to produce a cycle each month. But it's all worth it right? To wear that certain size dress? To look like the girl on the magazine cover? To be able to wear your "skinny" jeans more than once a month? What about losing your joy, your friends, your sleep, your excitement for life? How will it look to see your grades drop, your social life dwindle to nothing or forget what the true meaning of beauty is? Society may encourage weight loss and an image that is impossible to achieve but they forget to list the health complications that come with these obsessions, they forget to mention that death lurks around the corner. Satan didn't say anything about that when he was placing the scale in front of me or flashing the models across the TV screen and magazine covers. He doesn't tell us these things. We figure them out the hard way because we don't see it as a sin until what we thought was pleasure turns into pain.

Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.

Ephesians 6:11

God gives us the good stuff last. He gives us life. Eternal life with the God Almighty in heaven. How amazing is that?! Satan has nothing to offer us except pain, struggles, temptations, sin, heartbreak and death. Once we have hit rock bottom and all we can do is look up the one who will be standing there with His arm out is going to be the one who will give you eternal life. Jesus Christ.

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 6:23

I caught myself today starting to leave Hobby Lobby through the right side of the store verses the left just so I wouldn't feel guilty for walking past The Salvation Army bell ringer. I was purposely avoiding an opportunity to give to those who probably need a Christmas more than I do. If I didn't have change (which I did) I could have at least gone out that door and told the sweet lady Merry Christmas and smile at her.

Catching myself in the middle of a selfish act I turned around and emptied my entire coin purse into the can. The smile on her face was enough to bring tears to my eyes. Yes, we don't always have change or we only have a $5.00 bill. Heaven forbid we donate more than a quarter! And yes, the bell can get ridiculously annoying but think of the people who are ringing it all day long and many times are just ignored and walked past. Speak to them, put some money in there or offer to buy them a coffee if it's freezing. Christmas is about giving, even to those we don't know or may never see again. Don't turn the other way but do what most avoid and share the true meaning of Christmas through random acts of kindness.

Baby Steps, Baby Victories

Good evening friends. As the day is drawing to a close I have become more aware of what little victories look like. God has so graciously allowed me to open my eyes a tad bit wider in order to see Him doing a work in my heart and everyday life. I'm almost hesitant to write this entry because I am so sure that good days won't last for me or if I write about any progress I will start spiraling downward once again. But I have also learned that I have a right to be happy and right now in this moment I am capable of recognizing God's love and I have a clear mind to share His greatness to whomever wants to read about it. It would be selfish of me to hide that, in fear of hitting a brick wall. Tonight, I am willing to use my struggles for God's glory. There is power in the name of Jesus.

Baby Steps and Baby Victories

• I made it through this school semester by God's grace, nothing else or no one else could have gotten me through in one piece. I didn't realize He was walking with me until I had completed the semester. I now know that He is there and He is carrying me through the storm. 
• I have hope. When I thought I had lost all hope in happiness or in my relationship with God He revealed Himself to me in a way I wasn't expecting. Through a non-christian group therapy. I am lost for words and unable to express my opinions as to why we struggle, what the future has in store for us and when we will be free from this pain without putting Jesus's name in the answer. I find myself speechless if I am unable to express my faith in God when answering questions. I found out today that I am able to talk about religion and my beliefs in group. What an opportunity that is! 
• Twice now I have had the will power to go on a walk and clear my mind versus laying in bed and slowly fading back into the dark. God has pushed me out of bed to allow me to move on with my life one walk at a time and He has opened up my mind to listen to His truth in these situations. 
• Reading scripture truly does make a difference. 
• God has blessed me with the most amazing friends who will drop what they are doing to pray for me, talk me out of a panic attack on the phone, come to my house, take me to their house and love me for who I am at this moment in time. 
• Sometimes the peace we are yearning for so badly doesn't come until we become obedient to God and His will. Romans 8:5-6 showed me this last night. No matter how tough the decision may be or how badly you don't want to do what you know is right in God's eyes you will find peace if you live according to the spirit and not the flesh. Peace is there waiting for you but don't forget to do a self check and see if you are listening to yourself or to God's voice. There is a difference. 

These may seem like obvious points to some people but throughout this entire semester up until even last night I doubted each one of them and struggled with them daily. It's funny how you don't think you are making progress and then in a span of 24 hours you are splashed with cold water and you see that all your hard work, sweat, tears, sleepless nights and prayers weren't for nothing. Every time I chose to text or call a friend, chose to open my Bible, go on a walk, call the doctor or get out of bed were baby steps. I have accomplished baby victories that I am so grateful for. Am I free from my struggles and sin? No, not yet but that's okay because right now I am going to chose to praise Jesus and thank Him for restoring me with a little more hope. This will be a post I look back on when I am at a low, to see that it is possible to have good moments, that I do believe God is on my side and that I do have hope in a life free from captivity. 

Listen: Every Victory is Yours.

Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah’s womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God..

Romans 4:19-20

Love is The Movement

Watch: Romans 8:38-39

The Keeper of Scales

**Clarification for what you are about to read: This post is mainly subjected towards those struggling with body image in one way shape or form. For those who abuse the purpose of the scale and find themselves getting on one for unhealthy reasons or compulsively stepping on them throughout the day.** 

SCALES

Oh my goodness GET RID OF THEM! And when I say get rid of them I don't mean slide them under your bed and "forget about it" I mean give it to a trustworthy friend who will hide them from you! Scales are not good, I'm sorry but they just aren't. Our weight doesn't define who we are. It's a number people, a number. And if you can avoid that number at whatever cost then please do so!!

I have gone through a good three to four scales that have been taken from me over the years. I swear my scale keeper is like my mom. She just has this sense if I'm hiding one or been on one. SHE FINDS IT EVERY TIME! And every time she takes it from me. Yes, I dislike her for a while but in the end I am so so thankful that I don't have that stupid white piece of plastic staring at me all day long. 

Girls, (and boys too) please listen to me when I tell you that you are only hurting yourself more by stepping onto a scale. Any number that you see on there will never be enough. It is either too small or too big and then you go into panic mode and freak out. I know you know what I'm talking about so don't deny it. Find someone who you trust to hold onto it for you. They don't have to throw it away or burn it or do anything to it but just keep it from you. I think I've sent a few texts to the keeper of my scales saying, "just get rid of it. burn it, throw it away I don't care but get rid of it!" Yeah. Never thought those words would come out of my mouth but well, they did. I have no idea if she did throw them away but I know she hasn't given them to me and scale holder, thank you. 

For those who are willing to hold scales or any other "triggering" items for your loved ones and friends. Do so responsibly. No matter how much they beg you, plead, cry, scream and say how they hate you DO NOT GIVE IN! They will love you down the road, I promise you that. Be okay to be the hated friend for a while. Be okay with stepping in and saying, "hey, I think I need to take that for a little bit." That is what friends are for, to do the tough stuff sometimes. It's called tough love. You do it because you care. 

As for me, I am not in the state of mind to hold onto any scales or other items related to eating issues (I can find you people that will hold onto things though). But I do know that one day down the road I will be capable of having a nice spot hidden away in my room for any girl who needs me to hold onto their stuff. I look forward to that day of being hated because I know that that hate does turn into love eventually. All in due time. 

Listen: Psalm 45:11

Awaken My Heart and Sing Hallelujah

Once again church this morning was just fabulous! Thank you Jesus! I was accompanied by a blessing of a friend, taught a glorious message and encouraged by a few simple statements made this morning. 

Hallelujah

Praise be to God! Hallelujah! I don't remember the last time I was able to proclaim such beautiful words with genuine love from my heart. My heart aches to feel God's presence, to understand His love for me, to see His purpose for me and to trust in Him with every ounce of my being. No matter how many times I read my Bible, how many Sunday's I go to church, how long or short my prayers are or what good deeds I do I still feel the emptiness that I am so longing for God to fill with Himself. Hallelujah! I have forgotten what the taste of pure love for God is, the feeling of my heart bulging with joy for Him and the calmness of God's peace while I am in the center of a giant group of people. Hallelujah! 

FAITH

I may be angry at God. I may have an extremely difficult time trusting Him with my life. I may doubt that He does love me as much as I am told and there may be days when I question if He is putting me through such pain on purpose. But I realized something this morning. I do have faith. I have faith that God loves me and one day I will feel that love. I have faith that His hands are protecting me as I walk through darkness and one day I will be able to feel His hands holding mine. I have faith that He has a purpose for me in this life, even if at this moment in time I feel worthless. I have faith that one day, however long that may be, I will be able to genuinely be able to sing and shout from the top of my lungs

Praise be to God! Hallelujah!

Until that day I will continue to take one day at a time. I will put my faith in God, even on the days I question His existence.  I will wait patiently for the feeling of His love to engulf me to the point where I am unable to express my feelings except with a powerful hallelujah!

Have no fear of sudden disaster 

   or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, 

for the LORD will be at your side 

   and will keep your foot from being snared.

Proverbs 3:25-26

Romans 1

For what can be known about God is evident to them, because God made it evident to them. For ever since the creation of the world, his invisible attributes of eternal power and divinity have been able to be understood and perceived in what he has made. As a result, they have no excuse.

Romans 1:19-20

They exchanged the truth of God for a lie and revered and worshipped the creature rather than the creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.

Romans 1:25

Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

- Matthew 6:8

For those who experience anxiety during the holidays: don't forget to breath and remember you are loved and you CAN do it. Take it an hour at a time and enjoy yourself. I too will be doing a lot of self talk and deep breathing as well as staying in constant prayer, if I want to make it through these next few days. So lets take that breath and move forward full throttle!

A Simple Comparison Between Lies and Truth.

Society vs. Truth

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.

- Psalm 139:13-18

Time for a Good Read

I'm passing on a few good books that I have read over the past two months that I have truly enjoyed and gained wonderful knowledge from. All three of these books are directly related to eating disorder struggles and the process along the long road to recovery. There is no specific individual who can or cannot read these books because the people whom are affected by eating disorders go way beyond the actual one acting upon the behaviors.

I have listed a few reasons on why you may want to tuck these titles away in your back pocket for later use or to start reading now.

• Read to educate yourself on the issue.
• Read to be able to relate a little more to a loved one or close friend.
• Pass along the titles to those you know who are struggling.
• Maybe you yourself want a little self-help or direction on where to turn to next in your recovery process.
• Or maybe you need to be reassured that you can fully recover.
• If you need to know that you aren't the only one dealing with this.
• If you need to see that you are worthy of help.
• If you need to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
• If you are confused and lost.
• And most importantly so you can learn how to tell yourself and believe that there is life after an eating disorder and a life of freedom and pure joy.

I want to make it super clear that, from someone who is currently working on overcoming an ed, I did not find these books triggering. When choosing books on any topic that is a personal addiction or struggle for you, you want to make sure that you stay away from the things that may send you over the edge or running in the wrong direction. These books are to encourage and inspire you to take the correct steps towards a life of freedom! Oh what a day that will be!

Life Without Ed is PHENOMENAL! I happened across this book in Half Price Book's and bought it on a whim. Praise the good Lord! Jenni Schaefer (who now lives in Austin) is 100% recovered from her eating disorder. She focuses on her road of recovery in this book and all the ups and downs a long the way. She informs readers how she learned to tell the difference between her own voice and "Ed's" voice and how she learned to stand up to Ed and listen to her own heart.

Goodbye Ed, Hello Me is Jenni Schaefer's second book and the follow up to Life Without Ed. Her second book was written when she could finally pronounce herself as recovered and not "in recovery" or "recovering". Jenni talks about how she managed and coped with moving on with her life after being under her eating disorder's voice for so long. If you are wanting reassurance you it is possible to recover this is AWESOME inspiration! PS Jenni is like a rock star now and touring all the country speaking to groups and telling her story. Basically, she's a beast.

This third and final book I am in the process of reading and am super pumped about it! I bought it just recently at Lifeway Christian bookstore. This is the first Christian book I have found on eating disorders and couldn't have been more excited when I found it! Although I am not far into it I can tell it's going to be a good read. With scripture and reference to God's love for me and my body I can't help but smile. I'll keep you updated as I continue reading it.

Friends you are beautiful and loved. Stay sweet.

Embrace Embarrassment

Good afternoon wonderful friends!

I am just SO beyond excitement right now I don't even know how I want to begin! Maybe with a little...

THANK YOU JESUS!

Church this morning was just fabulous! This morning was the first Sunday for me to go on my own. I'm not afraid of church or going by myself but I was on Jesus/church strike for a while until a blessing of a friend practically drug (dragged?) me out of the house. Now about three to four weeks later of attending with her I ventured out on my own. Yes, my sister was with me but I could have easily said "I was going tonight" and not go. My prayer going in was just for God to open up my heart to the message that He wanted me to hear, whatever that may be, how big or small I wanted to hear it and TRULY hear it.Well praise the Lord cause I heard it! First song in worship my hands were raised. Lets back up a little and allow me to give you a timeline of my last few months of church.

- went to church but distractions and anger flooded my mind.

- stopped going to church.

- refused to get into worship...due to anger.

- started going to church but still somewhat distracted and still refusing to give completely of myself during worship.

Okay now we are caught up. This morning my hands were raised high! I think I caught myself off guard because the second I realized what I was doing I was waiting for that voice (the one that has been living with me for years) to tell me, "what are you doing Caitlan? Remember, you are angry at Him. You don't want anything to do with Him, all you need is to work harder and hold onto what you have...and that's me." You know what? I was able to shut that voice up this morning! Yes, I did it! With my hands raised I told him to back off because he had taken up enough of God's time and right now I wanted to worship whole heartedly! What an absolutely amazing feeling that was. To freely worship. Thank you Jesus!

Genesis 20 was what the service was on today. Absolutely fabulous. Basically the message was how we need to get our sin out in the open. We need to embrace embarrassment and step away from the dark corner and allow God to work through us. Our God is a mighty God who is FULL of grace.

"My grace doesn't just tolerate you, but it uses you as an instrument of grace for others."

- God

Of course we aren't proud of our sin. The sin that we have buried so far down in our hearts has been continuously growing and expanding in our lives. God wants us to step up and confess to someone, our friends, family, siblings, spouse WHOEVER it may be but He wants us to be willing to accept the humility for a little bit so He can HEAL YOU!

The reason I am so excited about this is because this message didn't convict me this morning. For many I'm sure it did but this morning I was reassured. The last year or so God has been placing on my heart to be open about my struggles. And slowly but surely I have done that. With this blog I believe I am just about as open as I have ever been with my issues. Several times I have come close to deleting it and pushing all my openness back inside. Just last night I was being told by that voice how I'm being stupid for sharing everything to everyone, that I will be viewed as weak or as someone who is not worth anything, selfish and undeserving. But this morning God told me otherwise. God told me to speak out, to allow Him to speak through me to those struggling with depression and eating disorders and share how they can be healed through Him. He told me that in order for me to live a life of freedom I need to be willing to raise my hands in worship and tell that voice of Pryde (spelled this way for a reason) to back off.

God is good. He is merciful and He pours blessings of grace on ALL of His children.

God is actively working to bring humility into your life so

you can no longer stand on your own two feet. He isn't trying to destroy us, He is brining us life!

- Jeff Mangum

Embrace Embarrassment. Find someone to confess to.

1John 1:7

Man Up Boys

I am determined to be a dedicated fan and stay the entire game. And continue cheering no matter how many interceptions and fumbles we may get. And no matter what the score is.

So boys....

put on your big boy underwear (panties?) and lets see you play some football!

Thanks and Hook 'em.

If We're Being Honest

I'm not willing and ready to hand over my struggles with eating to God.

There I said it.

Go ahead and gasp, delete me from facebook, stop talking to me and anything and everything else you feel necessary to react to that statement.

I bet though that there is something you are holding onto as well? Am I right?

Okay good. Well now that that's off my chest please let me elaborate. Listen carefully please:

I want nothing more than to feel 100% free from what is holding me captive. I want to experience genuine happiness and pure joy in my heart. I don't want the thoughts of food to consume my mind. I don't want to walk in a thick fog anymore and I don't want to just go through the motions of life with no feeling whatsoever. I would love to wake up one morning and WANT to get out of bed and start the day. I want to be free.

How I cope with my emotions and feelings is through food, whether that means restricting or over eating. This is what I know. I have no doubt that I will always have that to fall back onto. My comfort zone is my eating disorder. I manage my depression through my eating. This is not healthy.

I am not telling you this because I enjoy talking about it or because I want to announce to the world my deepest darkest secrets but because I am broken and I am believer in Jesus Christ. Although my relationship with God is close to nonexistent I want to come forward and make known that you can overcome an eating disorder and enjoy life. I am trying so extremely hard to put God at the head of my treatment team. I am praying that I can full heartedly hand over my sin to God COMPLETELY! I am praying for belief in my unbelief and I am praying that although I have felt no presence of God that I keep believing He is siting right beside me in EVERY doctor assessment and at every low moment.

For years my identity has been controlled by my sin. Anyone who has been so mentally, emotionally and physically attached to any type of sin isn't just going to hand it over like it isn't a big deal. How do you deal with situations when you no longer have a safe landing strip? What do you do when you are desperately searching for a way to deal with your stress level when you have given up your comfort zone? What is my excuse going to be for not going to the party or why I'm in a bad mood? How am I going to live my life when I don't have anything to fall back on?

Scary right?

Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go; give the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress.

- Psalm 71:3

It's okay to be scared. I'm scared right there with you. But don't you see? Although we feel as if we will be falling into a trap of despair and torture because we have given up our sin, we are falling into something much much more. We will land into the arms of our Gracious Father. Oh how much more comforting then falling back into sin. He will gently catch us, comfort us, give us strength and then put us back on our feet and grab onto our hand and continue walking with us.

We must be willing to hand over our struggles. He's waiting for us. His hands are open wide right in front of you. He is calling your name, He wants you to come home, He wants to dry up your tears and He wants to see HIS child smile.

We MUST be willing to hand over our sins. I MUST be willing to hand over my eating disorder.

Let's land in the arms of love and not into the trap of the devil. We can do it. We have to do it if we ever want to enjoy God's full and never ending love for us.

So if we're being honest, what are you holding on to? And are you willing to go through some turbulence in order to live the rest of your life in freedom? Are you willing to let go of what you have been holding onto for so long. Let's, together, let go of our sin and in replace grab onto God's hand and allow Him to hold on tight while we continue to fight each day for a life of pure joy and love.

You can do it. I believe in you and most importantly God believes in you.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

1 Corinthians 10:13