There I said it.
Go ahead and gasp, delete me from facebook, stop talking to me and anything and everything else you feel necessary to react to that statement.
I bet though that there is something you are holding onto as well? Am I right?
Okay good. Well now that that's off my chest please let me elaborate. Listen carefully please:
I want nothing more than to feel 100% free from what is holding me captive. I want to experience genuine happiness and pure joy in my heart. I don't want the thoughts of food to consume my mind. I don't want to walk in a thick fog anymore and I don't want to just go through the motions of life with no feeling whatsoever. I would love to wake up one morning and WANT to get out of bed and start the day. I want to be free.
How I cope with my emotions and feelings is through food, whether that means restricting or over eating. This is what I know. I have no doubt that I will always have that to fall back onto. My comfort zone is my eating disorder. I manage my depression through my eating. This is not healthy.
I am not telling you this because I enjoy talking about it or because I want to announce to the world my deepest darkest secrets but because I am broken and I am believer in Jesus Christ. Although my relationship with God is close to nonexistent I want to come forward and make known that you can overcome an eating disorder and enjoy life. I am trying so extremely hard to put God at the head of my treatment team. I am praying that I can full heartedly hand over my sin to God COMPLETELY! I am praying for belief in my unbelief and I am praying that although I have felt no presence of God that I keep believing He is siting right beside me in EVERY doctor assessment and at every low moment.
For years my identity has been controlled by my sin. Anyone who has been so mentally, emotionally and physically attached to any type of sin isn't just going to hand it over like it isn't a big deal. How do you deal with situations when you no longer have a safe landing strip? What do you do when you are desperately searching for a way to deal with your stress level when you have given up your comfort zone? What is my excuse going to be for not going to the party or why I'm in a bad mood? How am I going to live my life when I don't have anything to fall back on?
Scary right?
Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go; give the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress.
- Psalm 71:3
It's okay to be scared. I'm scared right there with you. But don't you see? Although we feel as if we will be falling into a trap of despair and torture because we have given up our sin, we are falling into something much much more. We will land into the arms of our Gracious Father. Oh how much more comforting then falling back into sin. He will gently catch us, comfort us, give us strength and then put us back on our feet and grab onto our hand and continue walking with us.
We must be willing to hand over our struggles. He's waiting for us. His hands are open wide right in front of you. He is calling your name, He wants you to come home, He wants to dry up your tears and He wants to see HIS child smile.
We MUST be willing to hand over our sins. I MUST be willing to hand over my eating disorder.
Let's land in the arms of love and not into the trap of the devil. We can do it. We have to do it if we ever want to enjoy God's full and never ending love for us.
So if we're being honest, what are you holding on to? And are you willing to go through some turbulence in order to live the rest of your life in freedom? Are you willing to let go of what you have been holding onto for so long. Let's, together, let go of our sin and in replace grab onto God's hand and allow Him to hold on tight while we continue to fight each day for a life of pure joy and love.
You can do it. I believe in you and most importantly God believes in you.
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
1 Corinthians 10:13
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