A Lesson Learned at 3:30am

Several things happened last night:

1. Got a pedicure.
2. Lori (my FABULOUS nail lady) painfully dug through my big toes to fish out the in grown nails and skin.
3. Had a minor break down..
4. ..which resulted in a minor freak out.
5. Woke up at 3:00am to my toes throbbing...thanks Lori.
6. 3:30am..still throbbing. So I whipped out some baby diaper ointment (it disguised itself as vaseline) and bandaids thinking that would solve the problem.
7. Negative.
8. 3:45am-4:30am finished reading a book and read some refreshing scripture.
9. Prayed to God that I would sleep peacefully until a decent hour.
10. Well, that didn't happen but I did wake up to a new day, a smile on my face and of course a lesson learned from Him.

My freak out was centered around the fact that I had a not so good day, which then led me to believe that all of my good days before hand weren't really good days. AND because I had a bad day I was screwed for any days in the future because all my hard work was just shot to hell in one night. That's a lot to worry about when you are trying to have a restful night!

The book I finished this morning was Hope Help & Healing for Eating Disorders by Gregory L. Jantz, Ph.D. (that's a big accomplishment so I thought I would add it ;). Wonderful book by the way, I would encourage reading it! I am going to share a few passages from the book that I found to be God speaking directly to me.

"Your eating disorder has been demoralizing you for too long, draining you of your self-respect, numbing your emotions. Now, freed from the bondage of the past, expect to feel laughter, sadness, surprise, honest anger, and cleansing tears. Learning to live means reexperiencing and dealing with all the rush of emotions given to you by your Creator. As if you were blind and suddenly given sight, you will be free to feel the world again." (Jantz 199)

"You will also have to learn to deal with relapses. Stripped of the predictable behaviors of your eating disorder, you may feel naked when confronted with difficult situations. Expect this. Don't panic because of it. Your perfectionism will want to tell you that a momenary lapse spells failure forever. Don't listen! Perfect recovery shouldn't be expected; consistent progress is your goal. (Jantz 200)

Perfect recovery shouldn't be expected. Hallelujah! This statement goes for ANYONE! This is one of those "write on your mirrors" in big bold letters and read it to yourself everyday phrases because ladies and gentlemen PERFECT RECOVERY SHOULDN'T BE EXPECTED! You are going to have bad days but not because you have fallen back into your old ways or because you have failed at everything you have worked for but because EVERYONE HAS BAD DAYS! It's a part of life, there's ups and then there's downs, there is good news and then there will always be a little bit of bad news but that is okay!

Now, please hear me when I say this is not easy for me and for most people. Obviously I'm a living example of taking the bad day and stretching it to the extreme (last night cough cough). But it says in Lamentations 3:22-23 "Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." It's a new day, a new morning, a new opportunity for me to keep moving forward, no where does it say that I have to start over or take so many steps back. I keep going from where I put a pause on the road to recovery. Yes, there was a minor detour but I'll be the first to say that wasn't the first and won't be the last. But now I am able to look at it with a different perspective and I am going to have to learn how to deal and cope with tough days. I am going to have to re experience emotions that have been foreign to me for so long because I have suffocated those feelings with unhealthy coping mechanisms so I would feel nothing, numbness. God created emotions for a reason and I want to feel those and acknowledge that they are present and be able to live with them appropriately and be okay with them.

I want to encourage all those who are experiencing similar situations as myself to view it as a positive. You are stripping away the old you and are truly starting to feel life again. You aren't reacting to bad situations as you would have a few months ago or maybe even a few days ago and that is GREAT! But then you don't exactly know what to do with yourself or how to deal with the mass amount of emotions that are just sitting inside you. Don't worry it's a learning experience, we are learning how to live a life that is full of emotions. One day you will look at a bad day and think, 'oh well that sucked but that's alright it happens'. Pretty nice right? What a fabulous day that will be, a non-freak out bad day!

Hang in there. Take a hold of each day and know that God is right there with you. He's smiling at you as you choose to fight through the bad day verses crumble to the ground. You may not hear Him but He's cheering you on, "come on My child, you can do it. Keep pushing, don't give up. I have given you strength, just the right amount so you can make it through this rough patch. I'm right here, don't worry I will never leave your side My daughter."

Perfect recovery shouldn't be expected.