Spiritual Honesty

With one hand I can count the number of times I have gone to church this year. One hand.
1.) With my sister in January before she went back to Austin.

2.) By myself once to The Village.
3.) With a friend from treatment to The Village.
4.) Easter service with my parents at St. Elizabeth
5.) Tonight at Watermark.

It is almost May of 2012 and I have been to church on average once a month this year. I've realized two things this weekend:

1.) I have had two major phases of my recovery. The first phase was while in Denver which involved the physical part of recovery; re-feeding my body. The second phase I am currently in which is Renfrew and the phase where I have been working so hard on my mental and emotional side of all this treatment and recovery stuff. The third phase is what I realized is waiting for me (patiently) to turn around and stare straight in the eyes, the spiritual side. I have done everything in my power to keep my back turned to the Jesus and church and fellowship phase and yesterday it occurred to me that if I don't turn around then I think this is the spot I will remain in mentally and physically until I slowly start to fall back into the first stage. I have to face God. I have to.
2.) Without fail, I would say at least 3 and possibly 4 times out of the 5 that I have gone to church I get a hurt in my heart so strong that tears start to flood my eyelids and every ounce of my body is telling me to crawl into bed and forget church.

I realized the second realization this afternoon when I was cleaning the bathroom and my room. I intentionally showered and got ready for church this morning so I could worry about one less thing as it got closer to the service time. I had a good three hours in between lunch and church so I figured I'd go do some self care (which is hard enough as it is) and get my nails and eyebrows/lips done. That way I would be preoccupied until it came time to head to the church. Well, of course they can't fit me in until 4 which would be pushing it so I head back home and am left with my emotions that showed up about an hour after leaving the nail place.

This hurt that I feel is almost impossible to describe because honestly I can't even tell if it's conviction, anger, resentment, envy, hate or just the Holy Spirit be present. Going to a church here in Dallas, alone, reminds me of what I have left behind in Austin and even San Antonio. It reminds me of the fellowship that I had through Phi Lamb, Austin Stone, my friends and roommates. It reminds me of the year and a half that I spend searching for a church home and when I finally found it I had to leave Austin. It reminds me that I used to go to church and see familiar faces and friends that would give me huge hugs and ask me to come sit by them. It reminds me of UT and  my life that I had there is no longer a part of my life. It reminds me that I'm alone and that I really don't have many friends here in Plano and Dallas.

I know that a lot of the tears and pain are in result of the resentment that I hold so deep down in my heart towards God or my first therapist at Renfrew, I don't know who I am more angry at. I still don't understand why God would put a Jesus loving therapist in my life who was just so passionate about biblically counseling and then take her away just like that. She of course attended the church that I wanted to become apart of while she was still at Renfrew but when she left, my anger spread from God and her to the church that she attended as well. So when Sunday comes around I battle in my head constantly about what church and which service to go to because I so desperately want to avoid her but at the same time I so desperately want to run into her and for HER to come to me first and embrace me. I feel very much abandoned and I know that is not the case whatsoever but I can't help but feel it and therefore I feel as if this particular church is a scary place for me because I don't have any closure I don't think.

This is a lot of rambling, I get that but I could hardly make it through the service tonight without falling to my knees weeping. And honestly, I don't even think it would be weeping for a relationship with Jesus but it would be weeping from the pain I feel in my heart from God and the church. I know that this is why I haven't faced the spiritual side of my life because it is painful and I can hardly face it for an  hour and a half without wanting to crawl in a dark hole somewhere.

At this moment in time thinking about going to church or celebrate recovery or whatever brings me more sadness and loneliness than I feel at ANY other time of the week. And I know that isn't how community and fellowship is suppose to be because I've experienced Jesus and brothers and sisters of Christ and worship and scripture and conviction and all of those things do not equal the sense of loneliness that I feel now. I don't know how to get past it or how to let the anger and hate be released from my heart. My heart is in a dark place and I'm afraid that it's going to have to go through an even darker place before I am able to experience the kind of freedom, love and peace that the church and God supply to their followers, the comfort of knowing that they are not alone.

I guess that I just plead to whoever reads this post that you would pray for my heart to soften towards whomever it is I am so angry at. That church would become a safe place for me again and that there are girls around me here in Dallas that do love and care about me, it's just a matter of me choosing to trust them and let them in. I want a relationship with God again I really do and I don't want to be on strike  and I'm NOT on strike but I feel like a small child waiting at the doorsteps of a huge brick wall and those on the other side of this wall will never hear my faint knocks at the door because I am too small and they are too great. I want Jesus and I want fellowship, I'm craving it but I need help in making those steps.

Eventfully Dull

Whenever I am talking to someone that I haven't talked to in a while they always ask how my life is. And they do it with SO much enthusiasm that I am almost hesitant to answer because I don't want to let them down when I say my life is actually quite dull, involving work, living at home and treatment. I mean literally my days come and go and aren't full of much excitement. Is that my fault? Maybe partially but I also believe that this is just the stage of life that I'm in at the moment. In order to stay with my meal plan, recovery and all that business I have to sort of make sure I'm not throwing myself into situations that are so exciting that they blow me out of the wrong direction in this recovery process.

Does that even make sense? After even writing that out I can read the word EXCUSE written ALL over that sucker of a sentence. Well, dang. But in ALL honesty I have been starting to at least think about branching my life out a little. Have I physically taken the action to add some excitement to my life? Negative, but that doesn't mean it hasn't crossed my mind! Here are some things that I'm thinking:

• Take a jewelry class to learn how to make well, jewelry of course. 
• Take some photography classes to actually learn how to learn the functions of my camera.
• Volunteer with people AND animals. 
• Go to church.
• The thought of going back to school in the spring of 2013 has actually crossed my mind. 
• Moving into my own apartment is being tossed around at the moment. 
• I'm going to plant flowers and make a healing garden. 

So those are just a few things that are running rapidly through my brain. But honestly, I'll take those thoughts ANY day over the eating disorder's voice, which has actually been somewhat loud this week. Mostly at the start of the week but that's another story for another post for now in this moment we're doing fairly decent :) 

Until next time let me leave you with a few pictures of my oh so entertaining life:

I've made Easter care packages for girls in residential treatment. 

Walked with both girls and staff from Renfrew at the NEDA Walk. 

Turned 22. 

Photographed a good friend and her crazy fun kid. 

Had ducks in the backyard. Lily wasn't sure what to do with her new best friends. 

Then we had bunnies that ran the ducks off eventually. 

They sat and stared a lot, either at each other or off into space...

The flowers my parents have grown.

Made a Secretary Appreciation gift for the receptionist at Renfrew 

Flower Pens in a cute flower tin. 

We like spring…not summer. 

Okay, until next time be good and stay sweet. OH and check out my NEW crafting website to the right of this post. Click on the birdhouse picture that says With Love above it! 

love.love.love

Cait

THE Bucket List of Caitlan Salerno

This post will have NO mention of eating disorders, treatment, recovery or anything of the sorts. I'm so sick of that (excuse my french) bull shit. While this blog is for that purpose I just need a break from talking about it, thinking about it, breathing it and living it EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF MY FREAKING LIFE! So starting….NOW no more of what I just mentioned above!

So now what do we talk about….?

Ehhhh how about some random facts about me? Yeah? Okay. Or you know what? Better yet, I'll write out my bucket list for ya. I've been told it's pretty insane but how can you strive for anything in life if you don't dream about anything at all?

• Get a black belt in karate.
• Be a surrogate mother. 
• Open and own a coffee shop on the street corner of Chicago.
• Qualify for the boston marathon before I'm 30 (this may have to be altered a little bit).
• Complete a full marathon while running the whole thing.
• Be in New York on New Years Eve.
• Be a flight attendant.
• Work at a hotel in New York at Christmas time. 
• Experience a TRUE white Christmas (not in Texas). 
•  Smoke pot. (no one freak out. This will happen when I am on my death bed and my friends and family are asking me what they can do to make me feel more comfortable. I will mention this post in my blog and experience something illegal at the old age of 97-ish.) 
• Write a book.
• Write a children's book.
• Learn to drive a stick shift. 
• Learn to play an instrument.
• Go on a coffee house road trip (with no plans and no time limit). 
• Open up my home to those in need of a place to stay, for free. (youth, kids, adults etc.) 
• Become a foster parent. 
• Become a teacher.
• Become a therapist. 
• Travel to all 50 states. 
• Go on a vacation by myself. 
• Move to the beach for a summer and get a local job with beach bums. 
• Get 100 followers for my blog. 
• Share my story to an audience larger than a Phi Lamb pledge meeting. 
• Buy a house only to renovate it and then sell it. 
• Become a photographer (a legit one). 
• Live in a underdeveloped neighborhood and love on the people who live there, spreading the joy of Jesus without shoving the Bible down their throat.  
• Save a stray dog off the side of the highway. (It has to be a highway for me to be able to cross this one off). Oh and he has to be alive. 
• Own and train a therapy dog to bring to rehab facilities and hospitals. 

And finally:

• Start a ministry of believers to travel to different rehab facilities to befriend the patients, love on them, speak truth to them, be an ear to listen to, be a ride to church for those who are not close to their home, be a phone call away, a text away and a face of the outside world showing hope and love into what feels like a hopeless and helpless place. 

May you all have a wonderful Sunday. Check out my new web page for my "business" that isn't making any money haha but I still enjoy it. With Love  In order to be a "follower" of this page go to the right side of the blog and you'll see some black square like things, one of them will have little people on them. Click on that and you'll find where to follow! Enjoy lovers :)  

Series Cancelled

Mis Amigas! How are we doing this lovely Thursday afternoon? This post is just going to prove that I am indecisive, all over the place and sometimes may not think through everything before I start posting things. So again here I am proving my imperfection to all of you. Please be gentle :)

I have cancelled my "series" on how my eating disorder developed. Not because I don't want to write about it or share it with you but because in order for me to do so I feel the need to get in touch with the people who were involved in the story. There are individuals that I haven't spoken to in years and I don't believe it would be fair or respectful for me to start throwing their name around (or a fake name but them still knowing I was talking about them) in a post that could come across as blaming. That would not be right of me on so many different levels.

So if you are reading this post and feel as if you are one of those "individuals" that I haven't talked to in years then please please contact me. My goal is to slowly start getting in touch with those I have on my mental list and just share my heart with you and in return I pray that you feel comfortable sharing your heart with me. Don't hesitate and don't doubt that you are on my mental list/mind. I want to hear from you. My number hasn't changed, you can find me on facebook or shoot me an email. Or if you're in town we can even meet for coffee.

I hope from the bottom of my heart that everyone understands my decision in canceling the "series". Maybe postponed is a better word for it. Or maybe we should just say it's a story that can be shared in a book that may be printed in the future. Who knows? But to the reader who posted the comment let me validate your question and say that there was a little bit of everything that caused the ed.
- High School
- Peers
- Family
- Media/Society
- Sports/lack there of sports

And something that I have learned from the past few months of treatment is this…genetics load the gun and the environment pulls the trigger. So like I said a mixture of things. I don't blame anyone, hear me when I say that. NO ONE. God has a hand on all of this and because I believe that then I have no reason to blame anyone except for the fact that we live in a sinful world that is full of temptations.

With MUCH Love.