It's been a while since I have posted, I realize that. I can't use the excuse that I don't have anything to write about because plenty has happened over the last week or so but I just haven't been in the mood to sit down and pour my soul out to the keyboard. Emotions have been up and they have been down. Christmas has come and it has gone just like that. I can't say I'm sad that the holiday craziness is almost over. I'll be glad to have my room back and some sort of normalcy in my life again once all the family leaves and hustle and bustle of the holiday aftermath ends.

So this post was to just tide you over until I get a moment to sit down and spend some time on a post. It was brought to my attention today that doing a post on relapse verses laps would be a good idea. So be looking for that in the near future.

I ask you to continue to join me in prayer for all of those in recovery for any form of addiction or disorder. I ask you to pray for the family members of those affected by loved ones who suffer and I ask you to pray for the friends that stand by through some tough stuff. I ask that you pray for strength to fill each individual who is having to face a demon continuously throughout the day. Pray that each of us will get on our knees every morning and every night and plead God to give us what we need to make it through the day and to carry us in the direction of progress. We need to strength of a Higher Power. It's that simple. I pray that in God's timing everyone will see that and begin surrendering to Him.

One more quick thing I want to say is about New Year Resolution's. I encourage you to keep your weight, exercise, appearance and physical body goals to yourself. Keep your diet and weight resolutions off of Facebook and Pinterest not only for the sake of those struggling with an eating disorder but for yourself. By announcing your weight goal to the world you are only fueling the flame of what social media has already done to our society. You (we) can be beautiful and successful in 2012 without setting unrealistic and unhealthy goals. And you can help others by not sharing your diet plans with others.

Hope you had a fabulous Christmas. Be good lovely friends. I'm posting a new poll and will go into more detail later down the road!

love.love.love

(I got a new camera so be ready for pictures galore!)

One of Satan's Many Disguises

I write tonight with a heavy heart. I have been in day treatment for four days now and find out tomorrow if insurance will approve another five days for me. I have found myself reliving my first few weeks in Denver with the overwhelming anxiety of eating actual meals throughout the day. It freaks me out to say the least. Rachel often asks me what it is that I'm afraid of about eating three meals during the day. I hesitate in answering because I know that deep down the answer is just so cliche with eating disorder patients but it is what I fear, weight gain. Now, I don't just fear weight gain because of the weight but because what I have attached to the meaning of "weight". I have created lies in my head about what will happen to me, my life, my relationships and my overall well being and those lies have led me down a path of destruction. It sorta goes back to The Gospel of Caitlan and the lies that Satan is feeding me and the lies that I am believing.

Y'all, Satan is so sneaky that I am continuously amazed at how he manages to blacken our hearts and minds. I sit in group and hear stories after stories of lies that have become truths in the minds of vulnerable girls, including myself. I hear cries of hopelessness and cries of hatred and then I hear quite voices whispering of wanting to give up. I see tears sliding down faces after welling up in eyelids for way to long, I see hands and silverware shacking during meal times and I see art work depicting broken hearts. It is so scary because I see Satan so much in treatment, I hear him not only in my head but in the voice and disguise of others eating disorders. I see him slowly taking away life from so many girls (including myself) and my heart just aches and aches for the chains that so strongly have tied us down.

I talk with Rachel about God quite often and am constantly reminded that God has already won the battle. He has already beat Satan and God only allows Satan so much room to breath and manipulate until He steps in and says "that is enough". It reminds me in Job when God tells Satan that he can't lay a hand on Job.

And the Lord said to Satan, "Behold, all that he has is in your hand. Only against him do not stretch out your hand." [Job 1:12]

I am God's child, I am HIS and I have to trust that He is going to intervene with the battles I have been facing with the devil. I have to trust that God is going to tell Satan to leave His daughter alone and to not lay a hand on her. I have to trust that God has my back and I have to trust that God is fighting for me, He is protecting me, my life and my heart. I have to trust that. I have to trust that He is sitting on the coach right next to me during treatment and He is protecting each one of us girls from Satan as he creeps his way into destroy and kill. I have to trust what I cannot see and I have to trust the silence sometimes. My prayer tonight as well as my prayer request is for strength in trusting in the Lord's plans and timing, not only for me but for the girls in treatment with me at Renfrew, the girls still in Denver, the girls and guys that are battling with eating disorders all around the world. Satan is disguising himself in the form of food, exercise, purging, guilt, shame and self harm. Pray for God's protection and for the strength to accept God's grace and perfect timing.

I am going to start a prayer list of people I know in recovery. Not just recovery from eating disorders but from anything. Please feel free to let me know (through email, Facebook, blog) if you would like to be added to the list or if you know of someone you would like to be prayed for. I would love to share the list with the consent of those on it so prayers can be multiplied and the power of God can be stronger than the grips of addiction.

Recovery Update

I began day treatment this morning. You are probably asking yourself, "is day treatment a step in the opposite direction than we want to moving in?" and yes, that would be correct. I spend eight weeks in a partial hospitalization program, then another eight weeks in an intensive outpatient program only to go in the reverse direction to the day program. Go figure. So I am now spending my time in treatment, five days a week from 9:ooam-2:00pm. It truly was a blessing from God for insurance to allow me anytime in a higher level of care so for that I am grateful. I will be spending the minimum of five days in day treatment and probably the max two weeks or until Christmas and then I'll go back down to IOP.

I am currently working on challenging the lies that I believe to be true. For example, I believe that by not eating or only eating small amounts of food with a lot of caffeine is going to give me MORE energy than if I were to eat a healthy amount of food each day. Obviously, this is a load of shit and anyone could see that BUT the problem is I have trained myself to believe this whole heartedly so my brain can now trick my stomach into thinking it's full and my mind into thinking I have loads of energy and adrenaline, only to find out that I will soon crash and burn.

I'm working on following my meal plan to the fullest. I have successfully done this on my own twice outside of treatment. My parents (along with many others I'm sure) just don't understand why it is so hard to follow a meal plan when everything I'm suppose to eat is laid out for me on paper. If you are wondering the same thing then I'll explain in another post on another day. But trust me, it is NOT easy.

God is sending me on a crazy ride let me tell you. I'm more lost than I think I've ever been. I'm lonely and full of guilt and shame and anger. I'm trusting and being obedient (especially by going into day treatment) but at the same time I'm doubting and questioning. I will for the rest of my life have a place in my heart for those in recovery from ANYTHING; food, drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, whatever. I know that when one is in recovery they feel everything but strong, confident and proud of themselves. Most are going to feel week, worthless and like a failure before seeing the benefits of recovery but for those who decide to feel like a failure on a daily basis in recovery are some of THE strongest people you will ever meet. I can promise you that. Because day in and day out of what feels like failing yourself eventually turns into a life more beautiful than one could ever imagine.

The stories, tears, lies and hope I hear and have heard through this journey are unreal. We live in such a dark world, with such a heaviness over us. From what I have heard recovery is possible, I haven't felt it completely yet but I am holding the hope in my heart that it is true. And until the day I feel it for myself I will continue to do what I need to do and in the mean time I will continue to encourage every person going through recovery themselves. We can't do it alone. We just can't. Jesus, support from friends and family and knowing that people do understand what you are going through is what will get each one of us to the other side. We will look in the mirror one day and be proud of the mountain we climbed and the view of the future because we did it. Because we recovered.