You know that saying that everyone hates but yet everyone says still? The one that goes like, "Honey, just surrender everything to the Lord. Give up the control and the burdens and give them to God, let Him guide you. You just go ahead and surrender it all." I think of Beth Moore saying this on her decorated stage with her petite high heals and big ole southern hair waving her finger around. Can I get an amen?! Yeah, you know what I'm talking about so don't deny it.
But back to that saying of surrendering it all to God. I agree with that statement so don't get me wrong but how on earth do you surrender everything to God?! I mean for real if someone has a definition or how-to on surrendering to God please let me know because I'm often at a loss for words when it comes to this. For starters, most of the time I don't even have the slightest clue of what to surrender. I imagine myself going up to a tree (symbolizing God of course) and putting down my scales, work out magazines and eating disorder journals and then walking away as I dust my hands clean of my (now) old sin. "Okay God I surrendered my "stuff" to you. Boom." If there was a buzzer for when I am incorrect or missing the mark it would go off right about NOW.
What does it mean to surrender yourself to the Lord? Honestly, what do you think it means? Is it dropping your sin items at a tree stump? Is it making a white flag and waving it frantically in the air (I've imagined this too)? Is it praying for God to erase your mind of all past mistakes, regrets and desires? How do we surrender our life to God, our thoughts to God and our control to God? This is why I get so angry at that statement because I never for the life of me know where to start. I've tried telling myself in the morning that I'm not going to struggle with food today or think about it all day, God take away the thoughts please. Five minutes later I'm thinking how to get out of breakfast…fail.
If I were to describe surrendering to the Lord and what that looks like for me personally this is what I would say:
Surrendering is not a one time thing. You don't walk up to a tree stump (or whatever) and literally lay down your sin at the feet/stump of the tree and you are forever free of your chains. Surrendering is a daily and constant thing. You choose to surrender when you choose to NOT do what your flesh is telling you to do. You choose to drink water instead of a beer because you know what one beer leads to…that's surrender. You choose to eat breakfast to the full extent of your meal plan AND keep it down….that is surrendering. You make a mistake and use a symptom of some kind whatever that may be but you stop, get on your knees ask for forgiveness and strength to say no to the next urge that comes along…that my friends is surrender. Doing the opposite of what your sin is telling you to do is surrendering! Doing what your flesh doesn't want to do is surrendering!
Ever since leaving Denver back in October I had the mind set that I would be back in Austin asap. My eating disorder was so loud and so strong and saying, "Caitlan, you do what you need to do while you're in Plano. You impress your treatment team and your parents and then the second you get back to Austin we'll team up again and do what we do best and you will be so happy and successful." Of course I believed this and still do to be honest so I refused to consider any other options that I had for life. I was fighting the Lord in where He wanted me to be and y'all it is exhausting. Stubbornness against the Lord is not only tiring but impossible because He will get you where He wants you one way or another. I started think clearly again about a week ago, the first time I was thinking rationally since leaving Denver.
I have made the decision to not return to Austin in the spring. That is what my flesh wants to do, my eating disorder wants me in Austin and satan wants me in Austin and if those things want me in Austin then that means the Lord does NOT want me there. While I love Austin, love Phi Lamb, love the city and the people and the churches and the love that is spreading all over the place, my eating disorder loves it for different reasons and putting myself back in that environment would be probably the most idiotic move I could make. Do I want to go back to Austin and graduate with a degree from THE University of Texas? Of course I do but right now what's more important is that I get better so I can SURVIVE to get a degree at all. I will be transferring to a school here in Dallas and establishing a life here while I finish my undergrad. I have closed the door to Austin but have not locked it, just closed it for now. I plan on moving into an apartment within the next few months and living out recovery in a new environment and with a fresh start and in a place that my eating disorder does not want to be but the Lord DOES want me to be.
That is surrendering in my eyes. Doing the thing you don't want to do for the life of you. I believe that once you choose to do what God wants you to do you will feel a small amount of weight lifted off of your shoulders because you have left some of your sin at the the tree stump aka feet of Jesus. We are constantly going back to His feet to drop things off so next time you hear the saying "surrender it all to God" maybe switch it something less intimidating like, "Let's start the journey of surrendering by making a choice today that Satan does not want us to make and we'll take it one day at a time. Surrendering a little at a time for the rest of our lives."
