"That's too vogue for my front porch!" -Mom

Good morning faithful friends. While I have several things I want to chit-chat about my time is limited so I am going to put a few topics on the "wait for your turn" shelf and give y'all a break from reading. I did my first craft yesterday since being home from ERC and it was so fabulous! It was a simple craft but I still was on cloud nine the entire afternoon and into the night as I proudly pushed my dad out the front door to see the new and improved vogue pumpkins!

Here is the non-vogue pumpkin pre-glitter. Of course, I pick the windiest day possible to spray paint so in result I am still peeling glitter off my fingers and arms AND our front walkway has a nice dust of glitter on it ;)

This was the glitter "blast" I used and I was actually highly disappointed in it. The glitter wasn't coming out at the same time as the non glitter spray paint (if that's what you call it) and then the can would decide it wanted to spray glitter so it would start spraying FULL blast chunks of glitter. It was a mess to keep it short. But I managed to make one pumpkin turn out decent. The other one looks a little splotchy and sad but I put him on the front porch still because he needs to know he is just as beautiful as the other pumpkin!

Here is my pride and joy! He came out the best.

As you can see Splotchy over there isn't as glitter-fied as Baby on the left but I think he doesn't look too too bad. Maybe today I'll take him back into the operating room for some touch ups!

"They're Popping Up Like Daisy's"

Well, howdy their friends of mine. I realize that it has been quite some time since a post so no need to point it out. I found my heart so full of anger these past five to seven days. I believe a lot of the anger was my eating disorder surfacing after a long slumber of hibernation while being away from home. You now in the movie Mulan when the dragon is in the mountain fighting the bad guys/soldiers? And Mulan and little dragon think that they have killed the bad guys by covering them up with the snow…but soon they start popping up from the ground and little dragon guy yells to Mulan, "They're popping up like daisy's!" That is how I picture my eating disorder, popping up like daisy's or maybe in this case weeds. Now when I say this I don't mean I have gone full blown back into symptoms but I am in an environment where my ed would like nothing more than to act on behaviors and when someone tells the eating disorder no they are in for a rude awaking because whelp they have waken the grizzly bear. In result of the support and accountability and conviction that I have been receiving over these few weeks of being home my eating disorder has retaliated with hatred and anger towards anyone and everyone in my way. Unfortunately, the majority of the time that would be my parents and bless their hearts for having to sit through the hail storm and wrath of Caitlan's angry eating disorder. Maybe send a few prayers up for them to the big man upstairs :)

I spent the weekend in Austin and it was pure joy. What a refreshing weekend it was getting to spend so much quality time with my gorgeous friends and loving family. It was a reminder from God that I have not been replaced nor forgotten and although things in my life have changed that doesn't mean friendships have to change either, unless it's for the better. I was able to attend Austin Stone on Sunday with my sister and it was SO SO SO good. Y'all God has just been blowing my mind away to unreal heights. I'm not going to sit here and try to summarize the sermon because it was so good that I think you need to hear it for yourself. I have a lot I want to say about it and a lot I want to share with you about what God's teaching me and revealing to me but I'm going to put that on hold for now. I pray that you take the time to listen to this sermon. Don't let it freak you out but just give it a chance. I have hyperlinked it to the post at the bottom so all you have to do is click on it and then click play. Listen to it in increments if you think that will be easier for you. I just felt this tugging on my heart through the entire service on Sunday morning to post it on my blog. I don't know if the tug was for a specific person to hear the message or just to give someone the curiosity about what a sermon may sound like but I am going to be obedient to this heart tug.

Listen to it. Don't listen to it. Either way I love you and won't judge you for it nor will I know if you listened to it or not but of course, would love to hear from you if you do decide to play it. I am going to do some more blogging tomorrow night or Wednesday about what God showed me through the sermon but in the mean time I am going to be spending some much needed time with Jesus and my Bible. I've been slacking and it's been coming out in the form of an angry bear and a soldier popping up like a daisy.

Be good. Stay sweet and happy listening.

love.love.love

The Temptation of Christ

Post Request

I was told to put up a new post. People are starting to get a little pushy and I am just not so sure how I feel about that.

Just kidding. I don't mind :) It makes me feel good about myself to be honest. So for this new post that was requested I have no idea what I want to chat about. What do you want to chat about? What do you want to know? I'll tell ya if you tell me what you would like to read about. Feedback people, feedback. We've already had this talk so lets not have to repeat now, okay?

• We shall whip the bullets out then because that way we can cover a lot of ground without having to go into great detail for each bullet.
• The transition from Denver to Plano has been tough. The transition from ERC to Renfrew has been even tougher. I miss my girls, I miss my treatment team and I miss having food prepared for me at the exact same time everyday.
• I just (and literally just half an hour ago) got an interview for Michaels Arts and Crafts. Yep, never thought I would get a job there but I like crafts and I like earning money so it works.
• I've been thinking hard core about who gets into heaven and who doesn't in this world. You hear so many different things from so many different people and denominations and religions that it really gets your head spinning. My conclusion is I'll leave it up to the Big Man upstairs. He probably knows what He's doing so no need to go stepping on His toes, huh?
• I am currently obsessed with the TV series Friday Night Lights. I've almost finished the first season and am in the process of getting me the second season. Screw moving up North I'm moving myself to a small town as North as I can while staying as South as I can. So basically the pan handle. That's a pretty good compromise I think.
• I'm coming to Austin this weekend and couldn't be more excited! Let me let YOU in on a few secrets just in case you happen to run across me and if you don't well, pay attention anyway….try your hardest to refrain from coming up to me and saying, "You look so healthy!" Healthy = fat in my eyes and in the eyes of anyone who was just forced to gain weight. If you say it I won't hate you, I promise but maybe say something like, "I'm so excited to see your face!" or "You look so beautiful (not good)". Make sense? Also, please know that just because someone was at a residential treatment program and has returned home doesn't make them "cured" or "recovered". Technically, I am not even in recovery yet. I'm stable not recovered. Once I am able to religiously follow my meal plan consistently that's when I'll be in recovery. One of my biggest fears is people thinking that I'm 100% better just from leaving Denver and while I wish that were the case, it's not. I'm in the vulnerable stage currently, very vulnerable so please respect that. Don't respect me but anyone you know going through ANY type of recovery. Respect them and where they are in their journey. I'm probably a little more open than most people about what I'm going through but honestly, I just want to be treated normally. You can ask me questions about Denver but you don't have to. I'm the same Caitlan but with just a little more energy and little more on fire for God. I would rather you notice the "health" in my spirit and in my eyes than in my physical body.
• Okay that last bullet went into a lot of detail and I probably could have done my post on that but whatever. I'm not changing it all now. I love you all. Be good and be safe. If you have questions or concerns or comments then leave them! You can be anonymous if you wish. Also, join my team for the NEDA walk! It will be a party!
• One more thing…I'm in the beginning faces of writing a book. Ideas or suggestions of how the heck to go about getting a book published please enlighten me. I'll buy you coffee, maybe even two.

love.love.love

The F Word

Fabulous friends! I write to you from the comfort of my home in Plano, Texas. I am in the transitioning phase of new environments, new people, new treatment teams and new connections. I did everything I could to stay in Denver a little bit longer but the treatment team said I was ready to fly from the nest. So I am now in a new nest far from Denver, far from ERC and far from all of my wonderful girls who are still chugging along back at program. I miss them terribly.

My plan was for this to be some deep post about my last few days at treatment yadda yadda but it's super early and to be honest I'm just not in a deep sorta mood. So we shall talk about the F word instead…

There are many different F words that have been mentioned over the course of the past two months. The first and foremost one is of course f*ck. I quickly learned in my first seven days in Denver that the usage of foul language is normal and not exactly "foul" anymore. But for some reason I wasn't too bothered by this. Yes, I did do my share of correcting or "smiting" if you will but as the weeks went on my sailors mouth began to expand in vocabulary. I give myself and anyone else in treatment the permission to use the occasional bad word, except occasional is probably an understatement. So I give/gave myself permission to let the words flow as I felt needed during emotional outbursts, tough meals and anger towards treatment teams and plans. Now, my improper language stopped at the F word. This has always been a word that I haven't said because it sounds dirty and bad and foul. So of course, because I've made it such a big deal over the course of time I have a really hard time at using it when appropriate and necessary. The last two weeks at ERC meal time was spent practicing using the F word. My ultimate goal was to walk across the street to the football fields and yell it at the top of my lungs over and over again to release anger. Although, this never happened I did get a little better at saying it. What first started out as a whisper turned into a stronger more powerful statement. Yet no one was able to really take me seriously or at least too seriously.

One sweet friend of mine told me at my goodbye on Tuesday that she was sending me off with the three F words. I was certain she was going to send me with f*ck since I had been practicing so hard but instead she sent me with; flexibility, faith and football. Okay, these are good words I will admit and they sound a lot prettier than THE f word. But this did not and has not stopped my determination to freely and without guilt express the f word.

I show up on Thursday night to The Renfrew Center in Dallas were I will be doing my intensive outpatient program and find out that one of the rules is they don't say the three f words. In my head I think doubtfully she means flexibility, faith and football. But she continues her speech and my worst fears are confirmed; "we don't allow the words fat, fine and THE infamous F word".

Fuck.

Jesus Has Left Me Speechless

Sweet friends! It has been quite some time since I have posted on here and for that I apologize but the days are long and the weeks are short and somewhere in the midst of treatment I lose track of blog posts. I write to you today with a full heart and smile spread wide across my face. I am an complete awe of the God we serve, total and complete awe of our Mighty King. It kills me that the feelings I have experienced and the lessons God has been revealing to me almost seem impossible to put into words. I want so badly to be able to verbalize this overwhelming sense of peace and joy to you but words don't even come close to describing this sensation.

What I want to say right now and what I want each of you to hear is this; Scripture is Truth. God is Truth and His promises are Truth. Finding Jesus and learning to let go of your strongholds, chains and addictions is not easy or pretty and it doesn't happen over night. There will be tears, yelling, doubting and fighting. Things will seem to get worse before they get better. You will question how a God who is so loving and caring can put anyone through such torturous and dark days. You will find yourself crying out at night for Him to save you from such pain that you are feeling in the pit of your stomach and for Him to take away the thoughts that are engulfing your mind every second of every day. How can this be what it looks like to follow God? How come He has forgotten His own child in the midst of a dark dark valley?

Because He loves you. Oh how He loves you.

He loves you so very much that He is going to do what it takes to strip you clean of your sin and of your idols. You will suffer but not because God is angry with you but because He wants you to follow Him, to listen to Him and to give yourself to Him and Him alone. Scripture tells us we will suffer but it also tells us we will be called out of darkness and into light.

"…although now for a little while you may have to suffer through various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith, more precious than gold that is perishable even though tested by fire, may prove to be for praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." 1 Peter 1:6-7

"But you are ' a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people of his own so that you may announce the praises' of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." 1 Peter 2:9

We are told to spend our life not fixated on the worldly desires but on the will of God. The journey that gets us to the feet of Jesus looks different for everybody but suffering is unavoidable. Do not let Satan convince you that your suffering is because God has given up on you and has left you to crumble in despair. Put your trust in Truth and His promises. We will suffer for a little while but because of our faith and hope in the unseen we will be greeted by the most beautiful light there is to see. The light of Jesus Christ embracing us in His arms because we have finally found our way out of the valley of death and into the peace of the Holy Spirit.