Romans 1

For what can be known about God is evident to them, because God made it evident to them. For ever since the creation of the world, his invisible attributes of eternal power and divinity have been able to be understood and perceived in what he has made. As a result, they have no excuse.

Romans 1:19-20

They exchanged the truth of God for a lie and revered and worshipped the creature rather than the creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.

Romans 1:25

Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

- Matthew 6:8

For those who experience anxiety during the holidays: don't forget to breath and remember you are loved and you CAN do it. Take it an hour at a time and enjoy yourself. I too will be doing a lot of self talk and deep breathing as well as staying in constant prayer, if I want to make it through these next few days. So lets take that breath and move forward full throttle!

A Simple Comparison Between Lies and Truth.

Society vs. Truth

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.

- Psalm 139:13-18

Time for a Good Read

I'm passing on a few good books that I have read over the past two months that I have truly enjoyed and gained wonderful knowledge from. All three of these books are directly related to eating disorder struggles and the process along the long road to recovery. There is no specific individual who can or cannot read these books because the people whom are affected by eating disorders go way beyond the actual one acting upon the behaviors.

I have listed a few reasons on why you may want to tuck these titles away in your back pocket for later use or to start reading now.

• Read to educate yourself on the issue.
• Read to be able to relate a little more to a loved one or close friend.
• Pass along the titles to those you know who are struggling.
• Maybe you yourself want a little self-help or direction on where to turn to next in your recovery process.
• Or maybe you need to be reassured that you can fully recover.
• If you need to know that you aren't the only one dealing with this.
• If you need to see that you are worthy of help.
• If you need to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
• If you are confused and lost.
• And most importantly so you can learn how to tell yourself and believe that there is life after an eating disorder and a life of freedom and pure joy.

I want to make it super clear that, from someone who is currently working on overcoming an ed, I did not find these books triggering. When choosing books on any topic that is a personal addiction or struggle for you, you want to make sure that you stay away from the things that may send you over the edge or running in the wrong direction. These books are to encourage and inspire you to take the correct steps towards a life of freedom! Oh what a day that will be!

Life Without Ed is PHENOMENAL! I happened across this book in Half Price Book's and bought it on a whim. Praise the good Lord! Jenni Schaefer (who now lives in Austin) is 100% recovered from her eating disorder. She focuses on her road of recovery in this book and all the ups and downs a long the way. She informs readers how she learned to tell the difference between her own voice and "Ed's" voice and how she learned to stand up to Ed and listen to her own heart.

Goodbye Ed, Hello Me is Jenni Schaefer's second book and the follow up to Life Without Ed. Her second book was written when she could finally pronounce herself as recovered and not "in recovery" or "recovering". Jenni talks about how she managed and coped with moving on with her life after being under her eating disorder's voice for so long. If you are wanting reassurance you it is possible to recover this is AWESOME inspiration! PS Jenni is like a rock star now and touring all the country speaking to groups and telling her story. Basically, she's a beast.

This third and final book I am in the process of reading and am super pumped about it! I bought it just recently at Lifeway Christian bookstore. This is the first Christian book I have found on eating disorders and couldn't have been more excited when I found it! Although I am not far into it I can tell it's going to be a good read. With scripture and reference to God's love for me and my body I can't help but smile. I'll keep you updated as I continue reading it.

Friends you are beautiful and loved. Stay sweet.

Embrace Embarrassment

Good afternoon wonderful friends!

I am just SO beyond excitement right now I don't even know how I want to begin! Maybe with a little...

THANK YOU JESUS!

Church this morning was just fabulous! This morning was the first Sunday for me to go on my own. I'm not afraid of church or going by myself but I was on Jesus/church strike for a while until a blessing of a friend practically drug (dragged?) me out of the house. Now about three to four weeks later of attending with her I ventured out on my own. Yes, my sister was with me but I could have easily said "I was going tonight" and not go. My prayer going in was just for God to open up my heart to the message that He wanted me to hear, whatever that may be, how big or small I wanted to hear it and TRULY hear it.Well praise the Lord cause I heard it! First song in worship my hands were raised. Lets back up a little and allow me to give you a timeline of my last few months of church.

- went to church but distractions and anger flooded my mind.

- stopped going to church.

- refused to get into worship...due to anger.

- started going to church but still somewhat distracted and still refusing to give completely of myself during worship.

Okay now we are caught up. This morning my hands were raised high! I think I caught myself off guard because the second I realized what I was doing I was waiting for that voice (the one that has been living with me for years) to tell me, "what are you doing Caitlan? Remember, you are angry at Him. You don't want anything to do with Him, all you need is to work harder and hold onto what you have...and that's me." You know what? I was able to shut that voice up this morning! Yes, I did it! With my hands raised I told him to back off because he had taken up enough of God's time and right now I wanted to worship whole heartedly! What an absolutely amazing feeling that was. To freely worship. Thank you Jesus!

Genesis 20 was what the service was on today. Absolutely fabulous. Basically the message was how we need to get our sin out in the open. We need to embrace embarrassment and step away from the dark corner and allow God to work through us. Our God is a mighty God who is FULL of grace.

"My grace doesn't just tolerate you, but it uses you as an instrument of grace for others."

- God

Of course we aren't proud of our sin. The sin that we have buried so far down in our hearts has been continuously growing and expanding in our lives. God wants us to step up and confess to someone, our friends, family, siblings, spouse WHOEVER it may be but He wants us to be willing to accept the humility for a little bit so He can HEAL YOU!

The reason I am so excited about this is because this message didn't convict me this morning. For many I'm sure it did but this morning I was reassured. The last year or so God has been placing on my heart to be open about my struggles. And slowly but surely I have done that. With this blog I believe I am just about as open as I have ever been with my issues. Several times I have come close to deleting it and pushing all my openness back inside. Just last night I was being told by that voice how I'm being stupid for sharing everything to everyone, that I will be viewed as weak or as someone who is not worth anything, selfish and undeserving. But this morning God told me otherwise. God told me to speak out, to allow Him to speak through me to those struggling with depression and eating disorders and share how they can be healed through Him. He told me that in order for me to live a life of freedom I need to be willing to raise my hands in worship and tell that voice of Pryde (spelled this way for a reason) to back off.

God is good. He is merciful and He pours blessings of grace on ALL of His children.

God is actively working to bring humility into your life so

you can no longer stand on your own two feet. He isn't trying to destroy us, He is brining us life!

- Jeff Mangum

Embrace Embarrassment. Find someone to confess to.

1John 1:7

Man Up Boys

I am determined to be a dedicated fan and stay the entire game. And continue cheering no matter how many interceptions and fumbles we may get. And no matter what the score is.

So boys....

put on your big boy underwear (panties?) and lets see you play some football!

Thanks and Hook 'em.

If We're Being Honest

I'm not willing and ready to hand over my struggles with eating to God.

There I said it.

Go ahead and gasp, delete me from facebook, stop talking to me and anything and everything else you feel necessary to react to that statement.

I bet though that there is something you are holding onto as well? Am I right?

Okay good. Well now that that's off my chest please let me elaborate. Listen carefully please:

I want nothing more than to feel 100% free from what is holding me captive. I want to experience genuine happiness and pure joy in my heart. I don't want the thoughts of food to consume my mind. I don't want to walk in a thick fog anymore and I don't want to just go through the motions of life with no feeling whatsoever. I would love to wake up one morning and WANT to get out of bed and start the day. I want to be free.

How I cope with my emotions and feelings is through food, whether that means restricting or over eating. This is what I know. I have no doubt that I will always have that to fall back onto. My comfort zone is my eating disorder. I manage my depression through my eating. This is not healthy.

I am not telling you this because I enjoy talking about it or because I want to announce to the world my deepest darkest secrets but because I am broken and I am believer in Jesus Christ. Although my relationship with God is close to nonexistent I want to come forward and make known that you can overcome an eating disorder and enjoy life. I am trying so extremely hard to put God at the head of my treatment team. I am praying that I can full heartedly hand over my sin to God COMPLETELY! I am praying for belief in my unbelief and I am praying that although I have felt no presence of God that I keep believing He is siting right beside me in EVERY doctor assessment and at every low moment.

For years my identity has been controlled by my sin. Anyone who has been so mentally, emotionally and physically attached to any type of sin isn't just going to hand it over like it isn't a big deal. How do you deal with situations when you no longer have a safe landing strip? What do you do when you are desperately searching for a way to deal with your stress level when you have given up your comfort zone? What is my excuse going to be for not going to the party or why I'm in a bad mood? How am I going to live my life when I don't have anything to fall back on?

Scary right?

Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go; give the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress.

- Psalm 71:3

It's okay to be scared. I'm scared right there with you. But don't you see? Although we feel as if we will be falling into a trap of despair and torture because we have given up our sin, we are falling into something much much more. We will land into the arms of our Gracious Father. Oh how much more comforting then falling back into sin. He will gently catch us, comfort us, give us strength and then put us back on our feet and grab onto our hand and continue walking with us.

We must be willing to hand over our struggles. He's waiting for us. His hands are open wide right in front of you. He is calling your name, He wants you to come home, He wants to dry up your tears and He wants to see HIS child smile.

We MUST be willing to hand over our sins. I MUST be willing to hand over my eating disorder.

Let's land in the arms of love and not into the trap of the devil. We can do it. We have to do it if we ever want to enjoy God's full and never ending love for us.

So if we're being honest, what are you holding on to? And are you willing to go through some turbulence in order to live the rest of your life in freedom? Are you willing to let go of what you have been holding onto for so long. Let's, together, let go of our sin and in replace grab onto God's hand and allow Him to hold on tight while we continue to fight each day for a life of pure joy and love.

You can do it. I believe in you and most importantly God believes in you.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

1 Corinthians 10:13

I Will Show You

Well hello there precious friends. How are we doing? Enjoying the FABULOUS weather I hope! I know I for sure am :) Being able to open the windows in the house, walk outside in the morning and feel the cool, crisp breeze and wrap up in a blanket at night with your friends on the couch are just glorious blessings that the fall brings!

Onto the weekend...

I don't even know where to begin because I have so much running through my mind right now. Good things though don't worry! The fog that has been blurring my vision of God has cleared up a little, just a little but boy will I take whatever I can get. I can't say that God is finally revealing himself to me because really I'm the one that is revealing myself to him, he's always been there.

"The Lord said to Abram: "Go forth from the land of your kinsfolk and from your father's house to a land that I will show you."

Genesis 12:1

After leaving church this morning this is the one verse that I keep coming back to. God did not tell Abram where he was going or what this land would bring him and his family but he did as the Lord commanded him to do. I believe that God calls each one of us from the land of our kinsfolk, wherever that may be and at whatever stage you are in your life, He will call you. I also view the land of kinsfolk as our comfort zone, where we feel the most at home and the most secure. Unfortunately many times this comfort zone and security is sin, where we feel at home is what the world is telling us is right from wrong and not what the Bible is teaching us. God is calling us forth, HE IS CALLING US BY NAME! Put your name in this verse and switch around the kinsfolk to what is your home land and take a look at what God is calling you away from.

"Caitlan, leave your insecurities, drop all your baggage on the ground that is full of self hatred and disrespect, walk a

way from the voice that is telling you you are without purpose here on this earth and empty your pockets of past regrets, guilt and shame. Listen to my voice and follow me. Follow me to a place that I WILL SHOW YOU. Child, listen to me. Let me show you the land where you belong, do not let the world show you, let me show you."

Genesis 12:1

I don't know where He is leading me. I don't know what this land looks like nor do I know what this land entails for me once I do get there. I'm not there yet and the journey He is leading me on is long and tedious. My heart aches with exhaustion and sorrow and my mind is flooded with anxiety and fear but somehow I'm still chugging

a long the path to the land that God is calling me to. Although along the journey I am

constantly being tempted by forks in the road that point in the direction

of the world, and sometimes I take a wrong turn, but here I am somehow back on track. Funny how that works right? God has His eyes on us while we are going on HIS journey that He has planned out for us. Why would he put us on a path and then turn His back on us? That doesn't make sense.

So friends, keep walking your journey and when you do find peace in the land that God has called you to you will be able to look at the long road that got you there, throw your hands in the air, drop to your knees and praise God because it was

so worth it. It was worth it.

My journey led me to walk in the first annual NEDA (National Eating Disorder Association) walk in Austin, Texas. God blessed me with amazing girls to walk with me and a beautiful morning with amazing weather. What an inspirational event it was and I can only pray that through it so many who are effected by such a terrible illness will get the help, love and attention that they need.

A Pocketful of Trust

What an insane day today has been. Actually, what an insane week this has been! It's only Wednesday and I have already been to three doctor appointments and by the end of the week I'll have been to four. Does that sound like a party or what? I'm exhausted in every way possible. I don't know how I am still mobile and managing to make it from my bed to the toilet without having to crawl. But as Catherine put it, "I am still moving and doing it", so by the grace of God I am making it through each day, whether it's by a crawl or slow walk I'm still moving.

My emotions ran high today. In many ways. Somehow I managed to keep the tear ducts dry but boy let me tell you I was dying on the inside. I am at a loss for where I am suppose to turn next. When I think that a door is opening I start running as fast as I can. I take a little bit of the trust that I keep stored away in my back pocket and give it back to God and I'm ready to see the magnificent outcome that I know is waiting for me once I walk through the door frame. But instead of a big welcome party with a neon sign blinking with the words, "HERE CAITLAN! GO THIS WAY AND YOU WILL SEE THE LIGHT!" I run smack dab into the door. I mean I promise you that door was so wide open just a few seconds ago that there is no way that I just ran into a bolted shut big wooden door. But I have bruises and splinters to prove to you that the door was indeed shut. So what do I do? I shakily stand up, after being knocked on my butt, take back that trust I so willingly handed out and shove it so far down my pocket that I don't know if it will ever surface again. Then comes the feeling of discouragement, hopelessness and abandonment and as I frantically start looking around for the next open door all I see are walls, no doors at all. I don't see closed doors, open doors or even cracked a tiny bit open doors...just walls. So I am lost. Literally lost and I am desperately searching for a way out of this stupid maze but you can't really go anywhere when THERE ARE NO DOORS!

I have a road map to get me out of this maze. I know I do, it's sitting right here next to me...staring at me and waiting for me to open it up and read the directions. But remember where that trust is? I'm not ready to hand it back out again. You are probably wanting to slap me upside the head right now and say, "girlfriend are you insane?". I will go ahead and answer that question for you....yes, I am a little insane. But I have been a ping pong ball over the last few weeks. I have been shot back and forth into every corner possible and even shot way into the rafters for a while and still I am at a lose for direction. All the effort I am putting into gaining a life back continuously gets crushed and I'm getting hurt along the way. I am placing my trust in all the wrong things and the one person that I shouldn't have a second thought about giving my trust too seems to be the biggest problem for me. God is the one person that I can whole heartedly, 100% with all my inner being trust and the second I allow Him to take the reigns of my life, I snatch them right back from His hands. Like for real Caitlan? Is this even a question I need to ask out loud? Me or God holding the reigns of my ENTIRE life? But obviously I do need that question asked because here I am sitting in misery holding onto a pocketful of trust that I can only intrust in Him. Maybe this is what God intended, for me to take back all my trust I placed in the wrong places to where the only place I can put my bulging pocket of trust is in the hands of the man who created the universe. It sounds like a glorious idea and who knows maybe that is what He has in mind but then again maybe not. I want to trust God, I honestly do but I'm just not quite there yet. And I hate that and I wish it were different but all I can do is pray for a change in heart. I'm running out of options except to fall to my knees in prayer begging for God to take control of every aspect in my life. I pray that I do that sooner than later. But until then I will somehow keep making it through each day, I will work on my goals and I will love on people the way that I should love on myself. I will continue getting by.

A November Challenge

Okay friends. Honestly I would love to sit here right now and vent and get absolutely EVERYTHING off of my chest but I have chosen otherwise and will be taking the more uplifting route.

As we are all very much aware it is November (voting day if you haven't walked through the west mall on campus or been on facebook yet). How is it already November you ask? Shoot. I have no idea but I am loving the fall weather I woke up to this morning, the Yankee Candle Autumn Wreath flavor in my room and the Yankee Candle pumpkin flavored wall plug in in my room. Basically, if you want your nostrils full of the smell of fall come on over cause I've got you covered.

Being the month of thanks I have decided to truly focus on being thankful for everything that I have been blessed with. Yes, this semester has been one heck of a roller coaster ride but if I look closely there is plenty of good happening through the bad. For each day of the month I will be writing down one thing I am thankful for. Of course there are going to be days when I'm thankful for multiple things but I am going to choose one per day. Whatever it may be I am going to consciously make sure I am in constant prayer about it through the day. If it is someone I am thankful for I am going to let them know, bless them with the blessings they have given me. If I am blessed for a roof over my head then I will be sure to pray especially for the homeless during the cold months and maybe go serve breakfast at Feed My People.

I will be writing my blessings on my full length mirror in my room. That way everyday I will be reminded of how blessed I truly am, even when I feel like every curve ball has been thrown at me and I have some how managed to take the wrong turn at EVERY crossroads. God has blessed me just in the fact that I have a relationship with Him, no matter how strong or weak it may be at this moment, it's there.

A lady that I look up to so much has always told me that when I am having a bad day and I'm super upset then go and do something for someone else or make a list of people who love you, good things that have happened in the week or month. Take your mind of the negative and focus it to the positive. That right there is a step toward the healing process, a step toward freedom.

November 1, 2010: I am thankful for the strength that I have been provided from God (no way my own strength) to make it through two weeks of a lifelong goal.

November 2, 2010: I am thankful for the verse in the Bible, "Whenever I lay down and slept, the Lord preserved me to rise again." Psalm 3:5 I woke up this morning to a beautiful day with a cool breeze. Thank you Jesus