A Pocketful of Trust

What an insane day today has been. Actually, what an insane week this has been! It's only Wednesday and I have already been to three doctor appointments and by the end of the week I'll have been to four. Does that sound like a party or what? I'm exhausted in every way possible. I don't know how I am still mobile and managing to make it from my bed to the toilet without having to crawl. But as Catherine put it, "I am still moving and doing it", so by the grace of God I am making it through each day, whether it's by a crawl or slow walk I'm still moving.

My emotions ran high today. In many ways. Somehow I managed to keep the tear ducts dry but boy let me tell you I was dying on the inside. I am at a loss for where I am suppose to turn next. When I think that a door is opening I start running as fast as I can. I take a little bit of the trust that I keep stored away in my back pocket and give it back to God and I'm ready to see the magnificent outcome that I know is waiting for me once I walk through the door frame. But instead of a big welcome party with a neon sign blinking with the words, "HERE CAITLAN! GO THIS WAY AND YOU WILL SEE THE LIGHT!" I run smack dab into the door. I mean I promise you that door was so wide open just a few seconds ago that there is no way that I just ran into a bolted shut big wooden door. But I have bruises and splinters to prove to you that the door was indeed shut. So what do I do? I shakily stand up, after being knocked on my butt, take back that trust I so willingly handed out and shove it so far down my pocket that I don't know if it will ever surface again. Then comes the feeling of discouragement, hopelessness and abandonment and as I frantically start looking around for the next open door all I see are walls, no doors at all. I don't see closed doors, open doors or even cracked a tiny bit open doors...just walls. So I am lost. Literally lost and I am desperately searching for a way out of this stupid maze but you can't really go anywhere when THERE ARE NO DOORS!

I have a road map to get me out of this maze. I know I do, it's sitting right here next to me...staring at me and waiting for me to open it up and read the directions. But remember where that trust is? I'm not ready to hand it back out again. You are probably wanting to slap me upside the head right now and say, "girlfriend are you insane?". I will go ahead and answer that question for you....yes, I am a little insane. But I have been a ping pong ball over the last few weeks. I have been shot back and forth into every corner possible and even shot way into the rafters for a while and still I am at a lose for direction. All the effort I am putting into gaining a life back continuously gets crushed and I'm getting hurt along the way. I am placing my trust in all the wrong things and the one person that I shouldn't have a second thought about giving my trust too seems to be the biggest problem for me. God is the one person that I can whole heartedly, 100% with all my inner being trust and the second I allow Him to take the reigns of my life, I snatch them right back from His hands. Like for real Caitlan? Is this even a question I need to ask out loud? Me or God holding the reigns of my ENTIRE life? But obviously I do need that question asked because here I am sitting in misery holding onto a pocketful of trust that I can only intrust in Him. Maybe this is what God intended, for me to take back all my trust I placed in the wrong places to where the only place I can put my bulging pocket of trust is in the hands of the man who created the universe. It sounds like a glorious idea and who knows maybe that is what He has in mind but then again maybe not. I want to trust God, I honestly do but I'm just not quite there yet. And I hate that and I wish it were different but all I can do is pray for a change in heart. I'm running out of options except to fall to my knees in prayer begging for God to take control of every aspect in my life. I pray that I do that sooner than later. But until then I will somehow keep making it through each day, I will work on my goals and I will love on people the way that I should love on myself. I will continue getting by.