If I Could Be Anywhere

If I could be anywhere on this Halloween night, instead of sitting here putting off homework and guiltily eating Halloween candy I would be six years old again. It would be Halloween night and my mom would be getting my sister and I dressed in our poodle skirts and putting curlers in our short, thin hair. My dad would be down stairs getting the video recorder ready for Morgan and I's grand entrance. Poodle skirts on, white Keds laced up and curly pony tail we would be bouncing off the walls with energy.

I don't know why this is what I remember tonight. Maybe because Halloween growing up was such a fun night for our family. My sister and I racing from one house to the next with my mom wanting to take pictures everywhere and my dad video tapping along the way. We would get back to the house and sort our candy into categories and of course eating along the way. For the next month we would have halloween candy in our lunch as dessert.

I find myself wanting this night back so badly. I want that sweet innocent feeling of being a six year old sock hop girl for Halloween with my kid sister being the same thing. I want to get excited over getting candy from neighbors and taking pictures in front of our carved pumpkins. I want that beautiful feeling I felt when my dad told my sister and I how pretty we looked in our skirts. I want the feeling of twirling around in circles with my skirt fanned out and thinking I was invincible of anything in the world.

Hmm how sweet to be six years old again and twirling in circles without a care in the world.

It's Halloween weekend and boy is it crazy here in Austin, Texas! Just tonight I have seen a full blown Big Bird, two Ranger "fans" aka two girls wearing a too small t-shirt as a dress and a guy with a massive paper mache looking helmet head with big ears...or something l
ike that. Personally, I don't do the dressing up part of Halloween. I just cannot get into it for the life of me. I mean I did when I was younger and I could wear Princess Belle dresses and shoes and my mom could curl my hair just right. But not anymore, the fun of dressing up has come and gone and I have no problem being the candy hander outter. Of course I partake in other aspects of Halloween. For instance, our house is fully decorated, I am wearing Halloween socks, we have carved pumpkins on our porch, I have purchased kid Halloween books, I recorded Charlie Brown and the Pumpkin Patch (w/e it is called) AND I have made 2 boxes of Halloween fun - fetti cake! I will wear a Halloween UT shirt to the game tomorrow and will wear orange on Sunday and then I will hand out candy and be perfectly content with myself :) No costumes for me, I am just Caitlan, plain and simple.

The last few days have been tough. It seems that while I attempt to take a few steps forward I get a blow that knocks me a dozen steps back. I have not found the fun and excitement in looking for doctors or making nerve wracking phone calls like some do. Trying to overcome a struggle is not fun. Period. End of story. Saying no to something that you have said yes to for so long is close to impossible. Making a decision that you know will benefit you in the long run but sucks at the present moment is worse than finger nails on a chalkboard. The unknown is scary and I am struggling with faith big time. Yes, it has gotten a tad bit better but let me be honest when I say that it's hard to find faith when it feels like you have been spinning your wheels in circles for four years.

Every day is a new day, with new challenges and new chances for me to make the right decision and for me to choose how I react to certain situations. Many times I choose wrong but the amount of time I spend contemplating is increasing so there is a positive. Each morning I am faced with battle to make it through as best I can. Some days I come close to winning and other days I lose miserably but if I can keep waking up every morning to a new battle then that is something at least. I will continue working on my faith in God, trusting Him no matter how terrible my choices may be or how much I hate the path He has me on, I will do my best to trust Him. I will continue praying for the strength I need to take one day at a time, some days I need to take it an hour at a time and I'm okay with that. I will continuously thank God for the fabulous support He has blessed me with, girls that I can count on at any time of the day.

Although I may not feel it, I am blessed beyond words. I pray that God will one day allow me to feel what being blessed feels like as well as the feeling of love and genuine beauty. While my hope is little I can only pray for the hope and strength I need to get to the other side. I know I serve a big God. I do know this, it's just a matter of how much I'm willing to trust Him.

I'm Ready

Consider what God has done:
Who can straighten
what he has made crooked?

When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider:
God has made the one
as well as the other.
Therefore, a man cannot discover
anything about his future.

- Ecclesiastes 7:13-14

Day 1: I'm ready to rediscover myself. I'm ready to rediscover my love for Christ and I'm ready to fight as hard as I need to.

Am I scared?

Yes.

I Miss You So

You CANNOT Go Unnoticed!

You my dear cannot go unnoticed.

Do you believe me?

It's okay if you don't because I don't believe me either.

Luke Chapter 8:40-48

Now when Jesus returned, a crowd welcomed him, for they were all expecting him.Then a man named Jairus, a ruler of the synagogue, came and fell at Jesus' feet, pleading with him to come to his house because his only daughter, a girl of about twelve, was dying.

As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years, but no one could heal her. She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped.

"Who touched me?" Jesus asked.
When they all denied it, Peter said, "Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you."

But Jesus said, "Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me."

Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. Then he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."

You cannot go unnoticed.

Do you believe scripture? Truth?

Don't try to blend into the walls because guess what?

God notices you there too.

You cannot go unnoticed.

So stand tall, be confident and take a step away from the wall.

God doesn't want you to hide. He's tired of being the seeker.

Plus, time's up and whether you are ready or not...He's gonna find you.

Because you are precious in my eyes and glorious, and because I love you. I give men in return for you and peoples in exchange for your life.

Isaiah 43:4

If I run to You will You hold me in Your arms?

Recovery

It is 11:45pm on Sunday night. In 15 minutes it will be tomorrow, which I guess technically will be today or Monday in clearer terms. I have no desire to go to bed tonight. This feelings is not normal for me...especially lately because I enjoy sleeping...ALOT. But for some odd reason I don't want to fall asleep. I don't want to close my eyes and I don't want to stare at the back of my eyelids. I don't want my brain to turn on turbo speed because sleep is meant for relaxation and a calm mind. Not mine. Sleep at night is no longer relaxation for me. My mind doesn't shut down at night, instead she is putting on her lips and saying "let's get this party started!" Not so much a party for me. More like a long restless night of tossing and turning and looking at the clock. If anyone can find the fun in that then by all means let me know please!

11:50pm. It's almost Monday.

I have been thinking over the past few days about the word recovery. When does recovery start? Is it when you first come out of denial? Or is it when you get help from your first professional expert (doctor, counselor etc.)? Do you just wake up one morning and say, "hey, today is the day for me to start working on recovery"? I mean what about those people who announce proudly that they have been in recovery for three years, when did those years begin? Where is the start to recovery? Where is the freaking start of the rainbow that leads to the pot of gold at the end?

6 minutes until Monday.

Recovery is a scary thing. For starters you are deciding to turn away from something that has been in your life for X amount of years. You are making the choice to face the unknown, face situations with a new outlook and find new coping mechanisms that are unfamiliar to you. Recovery isn't a walk in the park...actually no where close to a walk in the park, try a sprint up the tallest most rockiest mountain in the entire world times 3! You aren't able to grasp the entire goodness of recovery until the day you can change the 'y' in recovery to 'ed' making it recovered. What a glorious day that will be. But until then we focus on the 'y'. Recovery.

12:00am on Monday morning. Today may be someones day to start their journey down the recovery path or up the recovery mountain. This Monday could mark someones second year in recovery and they are going strong. Is today the day you are ready to make changes and get rid of some nasty things in your life? Is today the day you decide to fill your holes with Jesus and truth vs earthly desires? If so then don't turn back, keep sprinting up that mountain until you reach the top and then take a deep breath and look at the view from the top. Was it worth the trek up? I bet you it was.

Starting up the mountain is the hardest part. Defining when you start your journey may be different then when I define mine but that doesn't mean any first step is less important than the other. All first days are beautiful and the start to a new chapter of your life. Be sure to hold on tight and be proud to say you are on the rocky path up the mountain because at one point that is exactly what you were dying to hear from someone else, someone who was willing to fight for their chance to live.

I have yet to define my start to recovery. Maybe I haven't started yet, maybe I have and I just don't realize it. Mostly I think I'm afraid to pick a day because the mountain I'm staring at is awfully steep and I am still planted to the ground which means the road ahead will be rocky. I don't think my journey up the steep mountain starts today. Today I will choose to tackle a more minor hill while riding a bicycle and who knows maybe tomorrow will be the day I chose to ditch the bike and hit the ever intimidating mountain. But not today.

Christians and Pumpkins

Being a Christian is like being a pumpkin.God lifts you up,

takes you in, and washes all the dirt off of you. He opens you up, touches you deep inside and scoops out all the yucky stuff-- including the seeds of doubt, hate, greed,

etc. Then He carves you a new smiling face and

puts His light inside you to shine for all the world to see.

Thank you Jamie Lynn for sharing this.

It's 8:45 and....

OU STILL SUCKS!!!

I couldn't resist. Well, this time last year I was driving up to Dallas with girls from my pledge class and forming friendships that are still intact to this day. Now, I am driving back to Dallas with this years pledge class and my little babies. My house will be full of pledges and I CAN'T WAIT!!!

So everyone be safe driving, click it or ticket, no texting while driving and feel free to pull over for coffee as many times as needed (my car will be at least ;)

Thanks and hook'em