It's Halloween weekend and boy is it crazy here in Austin, Texas! Just tonight I have seen a full blown Big Bird, two Ranger "fans" aka two girls wearing a too small t-shirt as a dress and a guy with a massive paper mache looking helmet head with big ears...or something l
ike that. Personally, I don't do the dressing up part of Halloween. I just cannot get into it for the life of me. I mean I did when I was younger and I could wear Princess Belle dresses and shoes and my mom could curl my hair just right. But not anymore, the fun of dressing up has come and gone and I have no problem being the candy hander outter. Of course I partake in other aspects of Halloween. For instance, our house is fully decorated, I am wearing Halloween socks, we have carved pumpkins on our porch, I have purchased kid Halloween books, I recorded Charlie Brown and the Pumpkin Patch (w/e it is called) AND I have made 2 boxes of Halloween fun - fetti cake! I will wear a Halloween UT shirt to the game tomorrow and will wear orange on Sunday and then I will hand out candy and be perfectly content with myself :) No costumes for me, I am just Caitlan, plain and simple.
The last few days have been tough. It seems that while I attempt to take a few steps forward I get a blow that knocks me a dozen steps back. I have not found the fun and excitement in looking for doctors or making nerve wracking phone calls like some do. Trying to overcome a struggle is not fun. Period. End of story. Saying no to something that you have said yes to for so long is close to impossible. Making a decision that you know will benefit you in the long run but sucks at the present moment is worse than finger nails on a chalkboard. The unknown is scary and I am struggling with faith big time. Yes, it has gotten a tad bit better but let me be honest when I say that it's hard to find faith when it feels like you have been spinning your wheels in circles for four years.
Every day is a new day, with new challenges and new chances for me to make the right decision and for me to choose how I react to certain situations. Many times I choose wrong but the amount of time I spend contemplating is increasing so there is a positive. Each morning I am faced with battle to make it through as best I can. Some days I come close to winning and other days I lose miserably but if I can keep waking up every morning to a new battle then that is something at least. I will continue working on my faith in God, trusting Him no matter how terrible my choices may be or how much I hate the path He has me on, I will do my best to trust Him. I will continue praying for the strength I need to take one day at a time, some days I need to take it an hour at a time and I'm okay with that. I will continuously thank God for the fabulous support He has blessed me with, girls that I can count on at any time of the day.
Although I may not feel it, I am blessed beyond words. I pray that God will one day allow me to feel what being blessed feels like as well as the feeling of love and genuine beauty. While my hope is little I can only pray for the hope and strength I need to get to the other side. I know I serve a big God. I do know this, it's just a matter of how much I'm willing to trust Him.
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