Sweetly Broken

I have never been in a long term dating relationship. The closest people to my heart are my friends and my family and yet while I love them dearly I don't always pour out my deepest hurts and fears and vulnerabilities. I have several friends who have gotten married over the past two years and I have friends who are in serious relationships and the one thing I hear on a consistent basis is how they know everything about one another. They tell each other everything about their past, their currents state and their hopes and dreams for the future. They pour out their soul to one another, let each other into the darkest corners of their heart and still after all that they find love and comfort in one another.

Like I said, I have never been in a long term or serious relationship in the dating aspect but I have felt that same sense of closeness with my treatment teams over the years. Over the last four years I have had a total of five different therapists and five different dietitians. Each time the transition from one to the next has been painful, lonely and grueling. You pour out your heart to one therapist, you trust them with all that you have and you pray to God that they will love you and take care of you. A therapist is a safe haven, a neutral zone and someone who is on YOUR side, not your addictions side, not your parents side but on YOUR side and YOUR best interest's side. They know your secrets and don't share it with others, they don't judge you, they listen to you, they genuinely listen to you and they are willing to do what it takes to get you to where you need to be.

Trust is a struggle for most individuals, so opening up on such a non shallow level is incredibly difficult, especially when you feel as if past treatment team members have let you down in the past. During my stay at Renfrew I had a therapist and a dietitian leave Renfrew to go to their own practice. I was devastated, broken, angry and confused. Those were the two people who were going to be there for me and just like that they pack up their office and leave me to feel the hurt and pain while they go on to further their career. I still hold resentment for them leaving and still thinking about it makes my eyes fill up with tears. Before their departure they both promised me that they would continue to be there for me throughout my journey via email and phone. This quickly faded after they started in their new offices. My heart broke even more.

Abandonment by the people I trusted with some heavy stuff is/was the only thing I felt in my heart. I have been out of Renfrew since May and I am STILL having a ridiculously hard time adjusting to a new treatment team. The feeling of being kicked to the curb is an understatement. I adored my Renfrew treatment team (the second one). I trusted them, after a few rough weeks, I listened to them and I felt comfortable around them. Then you leave Renfrew and your "team" for outpatient that is supposedly set up for you is nothing but a few phone numbers. Just like that you feel abandoned again. My therapist at Renfrew has done a tremendous job at staying in touch with me when I reach out to her but my dietitian on the other hand has hurt my heart in the same way my original Renfrew team did. My cries for help almost feel as if they were ignored, read over or disregarded. Any walls that had been broken down while I worked with her are now right back up, protecting myself from being hurt again by another set of treatment teams.

I understand when people say that they can't put their heart through another relationship after one just ended. I get that. My walls are up with my current therapist because I'm afraid to let her in because I don't know if she is going to leave me hanging, I don't know if she is going to let me down. I don't know if she will abandon me too. I had to "break up" with my new dietitian yesterday because her experience with weight gain and maintenance was far smaller than her experience with weight loss. I'm not stuck without a dietitian again and honestly I don't know if I can put myself through another assessment, another relationship builder because I'm already feeling so broken. It took me years to be able to open up 100% to a therapist and in just the last year I feel as if I am nothing but a dollar sign for some. Not all my treatment team members but some. It makes me question outpatient treatment. It makes me want to fend for myself all the way, no help from anyone because who can I trust to stick with me all the way?

This wasn't an advice post or encouraging post but rather a raw and honest venting post. If you have been through treatment and therapy of ANY kind then you will understand this post. And if you have never set foot into a therapists office you may think I'm going insane but don't judge me until you've walked in my shoes.