Neither In or Out

I spent the better half of Sunday afternoon out in the heat with one of my best friends, Carolyn. While normally I only step out of the A/C in the summer is when I'm walking to and from my car and laying by the beach or pool with a drink that isn't just lemonade, this time was a little different. We were walking up and down the streets and ally's of a neighborhood by Wells Elementary in search of Janice Klein, a missing woman from Plano. As we walked from door to door with our missing flyer handouts and speech ready to go we (well, really only me) were greeted with mosquitos rather than the faces of the homeowners. After going to 12 different houses with only 2 of those opening the door we switched up our game plan and began just walking the streets and using our eyes verses our words. This seemed to work better, not that we found her or anything but we felt more productive than basically ding-dong-ditching the neighbors.

As Carolyn walked up the right side of a street and I walked the left side we casually kept a conversation going on and off. When we weren't walking up in between two houses and looking behind a bushy tree and taking giant gulps of our water bottles we discussed and attempted to figure out where Janice could be, how we felt there was more going on than what the police were telling us and we even went as far to conclude that there was no way she could have made it from her house ALL the way over to the neighborhood we were in without her getting hit by a car. A little more silence and bush searching when I recalled a post that someone had posted on the facebook group page.

"You know what I find to be really comforting in all of this? I mean as comforting as you can be when someone is missing?"

"What?"

"While we are dripping sweat and searching in between houses along with thousands of other volunteers looking for this woman, God knows exactly where she is. He can see her from Heaven and hasn't taken His eyes off of her."

"Yeah, you're right. That is comforting, really comforting."

God knew where she was. In a huge came of marco polo or hide and seek God would (and did) beat each and every one of us at the search because He has an eagle's eye view of the playing area. He watched Janice as she left her backyard and wondered around until she ended up at the DFW airport 60 hours later. Almost as if we are a Gameboy that is playing Pac Man and God is watching us on the screen. Now, I don't say these things to excuse searching for a missing woman or any missing person but the second I realized and acknowledged that God was staring down on Janice I couldn't help but take a huge sigh of relief that wherever she may have been, God knew and He is far more greater than I am.

I can't remember exactly what night it was but somewhere between Sunday night and Tuesday night that I was reminded of this, that God knew where Janice was, He knew.

My praying is still not so consistent and very rocky but there have been two nights that I poured my heart out to Him. Both times were in the shower, I don't really know why, maybe because if I start crying I don't have to notice because water is already running down my face or maybe because no one can hear me when I'm in the shower. But both times were in the shower nonetheless.

Both times I was talking to God I was angry, confused, pissed off and hurt. I kept saying over and over again, "WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT ME TO DO? WHAT AM I MISSING? WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO GO? WHAT DO I DO? WHAT IS IT?!!' I'm pretty sure those were the only few sentences that came out of my mouth. As tears poured down my face along with the water from the shower head I was reaching out for God to tell me what to do and I told Him that I would do it, whatever it may be! I wanted to hear from Him so badly, at that moment in time I was literally yearning for God to speak to me.

[Just a small side note, this blog has been written over a course of at least 5-7 days. I'm hoping I finish it up this time.]

The second time I found myself with crocodile tears I was caught off guard. I can't remember off the top of my head what it was that caused them or what was going on that day but I was once again crying, in the shower and asking God the same questions. This time around I wasn't as aggressive towards God, I was questioning Him but I was also making it clear to Him (as if He didn't already know) how I feel so trapped, like a bird in this cage. I was telling Him how badly I wanted to get out and do something ANYTHING with my life. I wanted out and honestly, I don't even know what I want out of. I think it is probably more that I want in than I do out. I want IN college, I want IN an apartment, I want IN a group of friends and I want IN a normal young adult life. But I feel as if I can't get OUT of this bird cage that enclosed around me. I was telling Him how I feel unnoticed, forgotten by so many people, old friends, past treatment team members, past mentors and it's almost as if everyone sees this cage with the bird in it but only just pays attention to the surface, the cage and never looks deeper into the cage to see the bird.

It was then that God spoke to me. And I can't write this without crying because it touches my heart with comfort, sadness, loneliness and relief all at the same time. God reminded me of what I told Carolyn about Janice that hot Sunday we were looking for her, that God knew EXACTLY where she was. I could just picture God as if He were reaching down from the heavens with His long arms and big hands to grab my tiny frail human body and look me straight in the eyes and gently say, "Caitlan, I know EXACTLY where you are. I see you. I see you in your bird cage and I see you wanting out of it to get into other parts of your life. I know where you are." Of course, He didn't go on to say how, when or what was going to get me out of the cage but the thought that God knows where I am at this moment just like He knows where the missing people are brought so much comfort to me.

As I sit here crying because I just have so many emotions going through me these days I have to trust, I have to give Him a chance to show me that He is capable of getting me out of this bird cage and whether that's to put me in another one or to set me free to fly, I don't know. But I do know that as I sit in a shinny bird cage banging my head against a wall thinking I'm no longer visible to the outside world, God is sitting up in heaven and nudging the guy next to Him saying,

"See her down there? See my daughter sitting in that house, trying to break free?…Mmm yes, I see her too and I know exactly where she is, she is neither in nor out rather she is exactly where I need her to be, so I can see her." 

Kitchen Bridal Showers

Yesterday morning my mother and I attended a bridal shower for one of my friends who is SO near and dear to my heart! We met in Kindergarden and were instantly best friends, along with several other fabulous ladies, whom I've kept in touch with throughout the years of us getting older. So Natalie is getting married to a man named Rob Hopper. Whenever I see that last name I think it's spelled wrong because another one of my best friends last name is Hooper so Hopper just doesn't look right. But it doesn't matter what I think because THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED!! Whoop!!

So the shower yesterday was called a miscellaneous kitchen shower, which is fairly common for most bride-to-be's. Now, I've thrown a kitchen shower before which turned out great!

Taryn-Soon-To-Be-Schuelke was the bride of the shower.

Personally, I would rather be buying the decor for the engaged couple's new home BUT I am also a little biased towards food so my opinion doesn't really count in these situations. But back to Natalie's shower yesterday…it was great! Upon first walking into the house I was greeted with THE best suprise EVER! MY LIFE LONG BEST FRIEND CAROLYN CASTLE!!! I had no idea she was in town nor did I know she was going to be at the shower! I was beyond thrilled to say the least :)

Carolyn Ann Castle (cac): best friend since we were 4 years old.


 

The shower was decorated with rustic burlap and candles along with the initials of Natalie and Rob and of course the name Hopper (not hooper)! Kuddo's to the hostesses and decorator's of the shower! I've stuffed some ideas into my wedding scrapbook for future showers! 

Now, this is when things got a little tricky….when we were told to write advice onto a wooden spoon/fork for their marriage. My initial reaction was we had to write advice about cooking, the kitchen, recipes etc. and I just bout fell out of my seat. Things running through my mind at this moment:

• I don't like food so how do I write advice about it onto a spoon.
• I HATE cooking so therefore I have zero advice about that. 
• I'll just put, "don't cook, order out". 
• Or maybe I'll put, "I don't eat therefore I don't have advice…good luck with it though!"

Hahaha pretty bad, huh? There was for sure some exaggeration in those thoughts but really I was clueless on what to write on that spoon! I then find out that we are able to write any type of advice we want, it doesn't have to be kitchen related. 

It really is a great idea for a kitchen shower. Too bad my relationship with food brings me straight to the negative thoughts of this. 

So this is what I gave her for advice ;) 

Anyway, long post short. I had a great time! Natalie was just glowing and gorgeous. I saw some girls that I haven't seen in a while and we were able to catch up on life and the different stages that we're in. I couldn't be more happy for Natalie and Rob as they start out on their new adventures as a married couple here in a few weeks! The wedding will be nothing short of gorgeous and being able to share those memories with her is such a blessing. 

And when I get married in 25 years and a kitchen shower is thrown for me be prepared to be punched in the face…JUST KIDDING!! You can throw me a kitchen shower and we can all laugh and make ironic jokes and comments and all that business. But let's not throw me a kitchen shower ANY time soon because then I really will punch you in the face ;)

And We're Budgeting Starting….NOW.

Good evening faithful followers. If you are new to this blog then please take some time to tour around; check out some old posts, the pages listed at the top of the website and then go ahead and take yourself to the right of the screen and click on the lovely bird house and take a peek at my crafting site….AND BUY SOMETHING!! :)

Y'all it's time. I can't put it off anymore or else I will be living with my parents until I win more than $2.00 on a scratch off ticket from my gas station friends. Starting tonight, after this post is posted, I am going to begin budgeting. Ugh the word gives me heart burn just thinking about it BUT it has to happen. And y'all are going to be there every single step of the way as I complain and grumble about how I can't go out and use my coupons or buy something JUST because it's on sale or clearance or because I have a coupon. Of course, you can all join me in my little money saving adventure if you would like. Or you can sit and read and laugh as I strategically place my money into savings and divide and add and subtract it all for bills, rent, food etc.

Now, the second my Dad and I began talking about budgeting this is what was going through my mind, let's see if you can find the irony…
-I'll go buy a Dave Ramsey book.
- I'll download (and purchase) a software to do it all for me.
- I will buy a journal and binder and organize all of my receipts (which I technically already do) and keep it all in perfect balance all the time.

Hmmmm….yep, it's that bad. And honestly guys a lot of my compulsion to shop is a replacement behavior, dual addiction yadda yadda. I used to exercise when I was stressed and anxious, then that turned into binging when I was anxious and now I just shop and spend money. It's all about filling the voids people, the holes in my heart are trying to be filled by material things. You think I would have figured it out by now but that would be a negative. Well, I'm sorta making progress with this post, huh?

Advice on budgeting would be greatly appreciated. Dad said I shouldn't start saving for retirement or grad school or a new car right now because then I won't ever move out into an apartment sooooo let the ideas flow fellow friends. Let them flow.

Okay, five things that have been a positive in my life since the last post:

1.) Photographed this beautiful lady.

2.) Stumbled across Parks and Recreation on Netflix.

3.) Attended ReGeneration for FOUR freaking weeks in a row! Whoop.

4.) Met with all three members of my outpatient treatment team (dietitian and therapist today)!! 

5.) Got personal responses from three of the girls from this past Survivor. I don't know what the deal is but I'm like so fascinated by these women, I want to meet them! I think a lot of it is because they are true, down to earth people who have a heart for friends, family and the important things in life. This could very well bring me to an entire new level of stalker but I believe that if you have something genuinely nice you want to say to somebody then you should do it, whether you know them or not. We need more niceness and less judgment in this world.
Who knows, but they're on my heart a lot.

Three Weeks.

Friends, it has been far too long since my last post! I feel like there is so much I want to talk about and vent about in this post because I am still without a therapist and dietitian. I have in deed found my new psychiatrist and LOVE him! I went yesterday and all the staff in the office is so nice, his nurse assistant or whatever you call her is great and he is laid back, funny and down to earth. What a relief knowing that one piece of my treatment team is now set in stone. As for the therapist and dietitian those are still a work in progress annnddd I feel like I'm dying to be honest. I need my treatment team. I miss Shele and Michelle and the staff and Renfrew and the girls. I'm still lonely and more so now that I don't even have a therapist. I have allowed myself to "numb out" these past few weeks in order to get through them without having any emotional breakdowns. I am not sure how healthy that is but I don't feel I have many other choices.

I have gone to ReGeneration (Celebrate Recovery) at Watermark three weeks in a row! I even attended by myself last night ;) Go me!! ReGeneration is not like anything I have ever been to in my life. Sitting in a church full of adults, both men and women all church going, Jesus loving people boldly proclaiming that they are believers and yet they still struggle with sin and addictions. Every person who comes to speak into the mic or introduces themselves to the group states their name and that they are a believer who struggles with ______. It's unreal. I stand in awe seeing grown men and women sharing that they struggle with lust, chemical dependency, porn, alcohol, codependency etc. It's almost a relief for me to see these people and watch their tears fall and hear their stories of redemption. I'm always talking about how as Christians we too struggle and we are nowhere close to being perfect but it's as if I didn't believe it for myself. Honestly, I still don't know if I believe it. I'm still trying to be perfect, have it all together, get my life in order, and while doing all that I'm putting on a good appearance and mask for everyone else. I feel like a part of something when I go on Monday nights. I enjoy hearing testimonies, worshipping with people who are not hiding their dirt and getting the chance to share my voice in a group without having to get any feedback but, "thanks for sharing, Caitlan".

I don't know if God can heal me. I don't know if I'm ready for Him to heal me. That's the honest truth. I'm scared of trusting Him with my life because I feel as if I've always done everything right in my life and this is what He is giving me in return. Trusting someone that you can't hear or see and someone who planned out your life of addiction and sin is nowhere close to easy. But I'm doing it. I've gone three weeks in a row. I've allowed myself to praise and sing aloud during worship, I've allowed myself to write down prayer requests for the group leaders, I've allowed myself to speak in the group and I have allowed myself to verbally say I don't know if I'm ready for God to change my heart. I want to want Him to heal me, I want to want that. So am I where I would like to be with my spiritual journey? Absolutely not. I still haven't opened my Bible except when I'm at church, I still haven't prayed on my own and I haven't journaled any. But I have gone to regeneration three weeks in a row. I have gotten myself into the habit of going to a biblically based 12 step program and I have opened up my heart the tiny amount needed to hear others stories of grace and love from God.

I'm lonely, I want to cry in someone's arms and I feel as if I have lost many friendships and relationships over the past year and a half but one thing I can say that is positive and that I'm proud of is I have attended a God centered group/study for three weeks in a row and for that I give all the credit and glory to God and I am very grateful.

My name is Caitlan Salerno. 

I am a believer in Jesus Christ who struggles with;

an eating disorder, anxiety, depression, self harm and codependency.