Yes, I am alive! I don't even know how long it has been since my last post but I do know it has been quite some time. So there is a lot of catching up for us to do therefore, before I continue on the series of the development of my ed I am going to do a catch up post. Enjoy. I have missed you all and spilling out my guts to you. So here goes.
Life has been rather interesting this past month. Interesting in the fact that I can't put a lot of words to my thoughts and feelings towards treatment, school, recovery and life in general. I am going on my ehh fourth week in day treatment at Renfrew (or maybe fifth I can't remember) and will be going BACK to intensive outpatient on Thursday. Insurance likes what they are seeing concerning numbers, meal plan following and symptom usage. Don't get me wrong these are all great things. I have been following my meal plan for a solid few weeks and the weight loss has ceased and we are starting the trend to move in the correct direction once again. I have been doing a lot of hard work with my treatment team and parents and overall fairly decent. So I can see where insurance would think that I'm ready to move to a lower level of care. Unfortunately, insurance can't measure my emotional and mental state like they can my physical weight and the percentage of my meal plan I am consuming. A lot of what I am doing is mechanical, which to some extent is okay if that is what is getting me to eat throughout the day but the goal is to eventually get to a point where I will be eating for myself and not because I have a staff member sitting next to me or my parents sitting in the room. That scares me, a lot. I still have so much anger towards food and a therapist would probably say that I am not angry at the food but at something else deep down and I am taking it out on the food. But whatever or whoever I am angry at the food is an easy target. So that is something that I am working on. After every meal stating one part of the meal that I enjoyed so I can learn to actually like the concept of eating and food in general. Not as easy as it sounds.
As for me and the Big Man upstairs. We're still in a pretty rocky place. But I don't think I am on strike anymore just more on the fence about taking that leap of faith into His arms. There are a lot of "what-ifs" that come along with surrendering my eating disorder entirely and trusting God. Of course I could argue that anything that comes from God will be better than the hurt I am feeling now.
I withdrew from school a week or two ago. I am still numb about it but I know it is what I needed to do. Some people can handle intensive treatment and school at the same time but I am just not one of those individuals. So after much thought and prayer I told myself that until I am out of intensive treatment of any kind and after I have been living on my own for a good chunk of time with no threats of moving back into intensive treatment I will stay out of school. It isn't fair to my parents or myself. No matter how bad it sucks and how much it hurts me I know that this is what is best for me. My brain doesn't have the energy to tackle school and recovery at this moment in time. I pray that one day I will be in a place that school is once again calling my name and the desire in my heart and my want for life will still be there.
I feel as if I no longer have many close friends. I can feel my relationships in Austin growing further and further apart. Not saying that they love me any less or that I love them or care about them any less but it is what it is. We are in different places in our lives right now and living in different cities and that makes it hard to keep the kind of relationship that we had a year or so ago. I am making wonderful friends with girls from Renfrew, which is great but still a lot of them don't seem to carry much foundation outside of treatment which just hurts me so badly. There is one whom I have been able to hang out with on a pretty consistent basis which is such a blessing but other than that the girls I felt would continue to stay in touch have drifted themselves. I don't have a good excuse for not making new friends who aren't in treatment or at my work. I have excuses but not good ones to the outside world. So it isn't fair for me to sit here and say how lonely I am or that I get my feelings hurt too easily. But it's the truth. I have girlfriends from elementary school that will love me forever and will be there for me through thick and thin but living cities and states away makes it tough.
So there is my update. A lot of rambling I know but well you should be used to that by now. Give me a few days and I will write again. Until then I'm just gonna keep keepin on and pray that come Thursday I can keep moving in the right direction and for once not fall back into the temptations of this monster.
Much love sweet friends.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Monday, March 5, 2012
Pilot: The Development of Caitlan's Eating Disorder
I was asked by an anonymous follower how my eating disorder developed. Yesterday afternoon I spent a good solid hour tying out a novel of a post about how my ed was born and engrained into my brain and life. I posted it and then within a matter of ehh maybe five minutes I took it down and twenty five hours later here I am, writing out a new post. I have the original one saved for future use or maybe for no reason at all but I have it saved none the less.
My reason for starting over you ask?
Let me ask you to either ponder this if you aren't a mother or answer the question if you are a mother: How long would it take you to write the story of birthing your first born? And I don't just mean the labor, I mean when you met your spouse/partner/baby's daddy fell in love, decided to have a baby or didn't decide to have a baby, the nine months of preparation and building anticipation and anxiety and then in a matter of hours your life is changed for the remainder of your years on this earth. I am going to make a pretty confident guess that you could write a novel on that story and who knows maybe even a sequel for baby numero dos!
So are you getting my point? By typing out how my eating disorder developed into one post isn't fair for myself, others involved, YOU the reader and my eating disorder and I would even say my recovery. I have no problem talking about how it developed but I want it to be more detailed than a rough sketch of those crucial years in high school. I want it to be clear to you as you read through the words of the story that has changed my life forever. If nothing else I want it to make sense on the level that anyone can relate to. Eating disorders do not discriminate. They don't only develop in the model and athletic industry. They don't only develop with girls. You don't have to be skin and bones to have an eating disorder. You can be any color in the rainbow and develop an eating disorder! You can love any gender or both genders or no genders and still get an eating disorder. You can be four years old or seventy four years old and the eating disorder is still able to grab hold of you. There is no rule saying that you have to have a background of trauma in your life. Whether that is physical, emotional, sexual or verbal abuse, an eating disorder can attack the abused and attack those who have never experienced such trauma.
Developing an eating disorder can happen to absolutely anyone. They don't care who you are, where you've been, where you are going and how long you are going to live. They trick you into being their best friends, telling you that they have your back, they will always be there and that they can be trusted. But when it comes to the point where you are lying in the hospital bed hooked up to a feeding tube, the only thing keeping you alive, the eating disorder has no sympathy for you or the fact that you are about to die. He will then go find someone else to cling onto.
That was deep, I get that but I just want everyone to understand how you aren't invincible from developing an eating disorder just because you like to eat. I liked to eat too, before my eating disorder I enjoyed food and meal time. I was the girl that swore I would never get an eating disorder because I loved food too much. So over my next few posts I will be doing a "series" on the development of my eating disorder. Piece by piece I will go through the stages and dig into a deeper level, a real level so you my faithful friends can maybe find something to relate to and then maybe catch yourself before falling down a slippery slope or see the signs in a friend or family member. Stories are a powerful thing if you choose to let them be. I am giving you permission to use my story, my suffering and my recovery journey to help not only yourself but those that are around you on a daily basis.
So to my anonymous reader who asked this question sit back and enjoy the next few posts on the development of my eating disorder. Until next time you all be good and sweet. Questions, comments or concerns? Let me know!
With Love.
My reason for starting over you ask?
Let me ask you to either ponder this if you aren't a mother or answer the question if you are a mother: How long would it take you to write the story of birthing your first born? And I don't just mean the labor, I mean when you met your spouse/partner/baby's daddy fell in love, decided to have a baby or didn't decide to have a baby, the nine months of preparation and building anticipation and anxiety and then in a matter of hours your life is changed for the remainder of your years on this earth. I am going to make a pretty confident guess that you could write a novel on that story and who knows maybe even a sequel for baby numero dos!
So are you getting my point? By typing out how my eating disorder developed into one post isn't fair for myself, others involved, YOU the reader and my eating disorder and I would even say my recovery. I have no problem talking about how it developed but I want it to be more detailed than a rough sketch of those crucial years in high school. I want it to be clear to you as you read through the words of the story that has changed my life forever. If nothing else I want it to make sense on the level that anyone can relate to. Eating disorders do not discriminate. They don't only develop in the model and athletic industry. They don't only develop with girls. You don't have to be skin and bones to have an eating disorder. You can be any color in the rainbow and develop an eating disorder! You can love any gender or both genders or no genders and still get an eating disorder. You can be four years old or seventy four years old and the eating disorder is still able to grab hold of you. There is no rule saying that you have to have a background of trauma in your life. Whether that is physical, emotional, sexual or verbal abuse, an eating disorder can attack the abused and attack those who have never experienced such trauma.
Developing an eating disorder can happen to absolutely anyone. They don't care who you are, where you've been, where you are going and how long you are going to live. They trick you into being their best friends, telling you that they have your back, they will always be there and that they can be trusted. But when it comes to the point where you are lying in the hospital bed hooked up to a feeding tube, the only thing keeping you alive, the eating disorder has no sympathy for you or the fact that you are about to die. He will then go find someone else to cling onto.
That was deep, I get that but I just want everyone to understand how you aren't invincible from developing an eating disorder just because you like to eat. I liked to eat too, before my eating disorder I enjoyed food and meal time. I was the girl that swore I would never get an eating disorder because I loved food too much. So over my next few posts I will be doing a "series" on the development of my eating disorder. Piece by piece I will go through the stages and dig into a deeper level, a real level so you my faithful friends can maybe find something to relate to and then maybe catch yourself before falling down a slippery slope or see the signs in a friend or family member. Stories are a powerful thing if you choose to let them be. I am giving you permission to use my story, my suffering and my recovery journey to help not only yourself but those that are around you on a daily basis.
So to my anonymous reader who asked this question sit back and enjoy the next few posts on the development of my eating disorder. Until next time you all be good and sweet. Questions, comments or concerns? Let me know!
With Love.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Stuck in Sand
I am pretty sure that I have started this post on several different occasions. I've started it and stopped and deleted and saved and started over so many times that I can't keep track. Now, this post isn't going to be some crazy post full of deep juicy gossip or in sight on the meaning of life. It is going to be an honest post. Again. It won't be as dark as my last post but it will be honest non the less.
My journey through life and recovery has found it's way into a desert and my car is stuck in sand while spinning it's wheels ferociously trying to get out of the mess. I am the car for those of you who aren't following my metaphor here…I've been stuck for a good three weeks (give or take). I was stuck to the point of needing to return to day treatment at Renfrew. Today was my fifth day back and I'm surviving but hardly. I have lost myself in this mess of sinking sand. I have lost the voice in me that knows what is best for Caitlan. I hear my parents voices and I hear my treatment team's voices and I hear my eating disorder's voice but I can't find me anywhere. I am torn in the middle of this tug-a-war trying to find a way to make everyone happy. I find it humorous that I am in this situation considering this was a HUGE contributor to me developing an ed in the first place, attempting to make everyone else happy but not myself. Doesn't make sense but yet so many of us are caught in this situation.
In result of losing myself in the midst of chaos I have disconnected myself from God. It could be because I am doubting Him, I have lost trust in Him or I'm afraid to see what He has to say to me. Or it could be for reasons that I am unaware of but I am suffering without allowing Him into my life and heart during this period of such darkness. I know without a doubt He is the reason I am still choosing to get up every day and spend 5 hours in intensive treatment, which also means there is some sort of hope inside of me. Honestly, I don't know how people do this recovery business without Jesus. I have Jesus in my life and am just being stubborn about reaching out and grabbing His hand that He is holding out to me and because of my hard head I am suffering the consequences of it. But there is still that small flame in my heart that keeps me going everyday.
So that is where I am currently. Debating between levels of treatment, treatment at all, moving out, where I want to move to and school. It has been brought to my attention by several people that it appears to them that I am using treatment as a crutch and I am too comfortable with it. For those of you who believe that I respect your opinions but let me assure you one thing; if there was a way for me to wake up one morning and magically be recovered and be discharged for good from treatment then it would have happened by now. I am doing the best I can every day. That may look different every day but I know that each day we are given just the amount of strength we need to make it through and for me I believe that God is giving me enough to do what can at this moment of my recovery. To others it may not look like enough or like I'm not putting effort into it or I am using treatment to get attention and stay sick but I do what I can with the strength given to me. And right now there is a lot going on and I am carrying a lot of stress and burdens so recovery may look a little different. It doesn't mean I am not trying. Everyday that I choose to get out of bed and eat breakfast is me trying 100% and if it doesn't look like that to others then I am going to have to get over it because I know deep down I am doing what I can do to make it through each day.
My journey through life and recovery has found it's way into a desert and my car is stuck in sand while spinning it's wheels ferociously trying to get out of the mess. I am the car for those of you who aren't following my metaphor here…I've been stuck for a good three weeks (give or take). I was stuck to the point of needing to return to day treatment at Renfrew. Today was my fifth day back and I'm surviving but hardly. I have lost myself in this mess of sinking sand. I have lost the voice in me that knows what is best for Caitlan. I hear my parents voices and I hear my treatment team's voices and I hear my eating disorder's voice but I can't find me anywhere. I am torn in the middle of this tug-a-war trying to find a way to make everyone happy. I find it humorous that I am in this situation considering this was a HUGE contributor to me developing an ed in the first place, attempting to make everyone else happy but not myself. Doesn't make sense but yet so many of us are caught in this situation.
In result of losing myself in the midst of chaos I have disconnected myself from God. It could be because I am doubting Him, I have lost trust in Him or I'm afraid to see what He has to say to me. Or it could be for reasons that I am unaware of but I am suffering without allowing Him into my life and heart during this period of such darkness. I know without a doubt He is the reason I am still choosing to get up every day and spend 5 hours in intensive treatment, which also means there is some sort of hope inside of me. Honestly, I don't know how people do this recovery business without Jesus. I have Jesus in my life and am just being stubborn about reaching out and grabbing His hand that He is holding out to me and because of my hard head I am suffering the consequences of it. But there is still that small flame in my heart that keeps me going everyday.
So that is where I am currently. Debating between levels of treatment, treatment at all, moving out, where I want to move to and school. It has been brought to my attention by several people that it appears to them that I am using treatment as a crutch and I am too comfortable with it. For those of you who believe that I respect your opinions but let me assure you one thing; if there was a way for me to wake up one morning and magically be recovered and be discharged for good from treatment then it would have happened by now. I am doing the best I can every day. That may look different every day but I know that each day we are given just the amount of strength we need to make it through and for me I believe that God is giving me enough to do what can at this moment of my recovery. To others it may not look like enough or like I'm not putting effort into it or I am using treatment to get attention and stay sick but I do what I can with the strength given to me. And right now there is a lot going on and I am carrying a lot of stress and burdens so recovery may look a little different. It doesn't mean I am not trying. Everyday that I choose to get out of bed and eat breakfast is me trying 100% and if it doesn't look like that to others then I am going to have to get over it because I know deep down I am doing what I can do to make it through each day.
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