"They loved my dancing but I was too fat"

Hi there friends! One brave girl decided to take the bullet and be our first "guest speaker"! I was super pumped when she emailed me saying she wouldn't mind telling her story! As we all know it is NOT an easy thing to do AT ALL but at the same time it is how we learn that we aren't alone in fighting the evil of this world. I met Kelly (permission to use her first name only) in treatment here in Dallas and what a sweetheart she is! She is an Irish dancer and is basically a rockstar fighting for her dreams without the baggage of an eating disorder. While she fights for recovery everyday she also gains new strength that was always promised by her bulimia but never given to her. Now, recovery and faith in God are getting her to the finish line. 

Hi, my name is Kelly. I am 26 years old and have bulimia. To many people, it is a shameful thing to admit you have an eating disorder but if more people talked about it we might cut them[eating disorders] off before they take over our lives.

I grew up the youngest of 3 with two loving parents. I had a very happy childhood: playing, loving school, dance classes, and I generally had no problems with food. Even though I was happy I was also very anxious (ex. At 4yrs old I would wake up in the middle of the night to check locks in the house so no one hurt my family). I also had weird quirks with my hair, socks, and cracks in the pavement that I now recognize as symptoms of OCD. I grew up looking at my mother as the icon of beauty like many girls do but the problem was that my mother was always extremely underweight. I spent the time when I was not at home/school at my local dance studio where I would gladly dance for hours. However, in late elementary school everything changed and I started to get constantly bullied about my appearance. They would pick on everything from my long red hair to my glasses to my weight (although I actually was a pretty slender child). Though I was slender I was starting to go through puberty in middle school and put on the usual few pounds. At this same time I was began to be sexually abused and emotionally abused by two men in my life (both unrelated to me). I started to hate my newly developing body! I didn't want the breasts that people would comment on or to look sexy in the least....I wanted to continue to be a kid and was not ready for sexual advances. So in response to the above and to some major family turmoil I started binge eating. I quickly gained weight and found myself without many friends. The summer before I turned 16 I was told we were moving to Texas.

I was very happy to move to Texas and I finally found a place where I felt that I fit. I started school and tried out for the drill team and made it. Soon after I had more friends than I knew  what to do with and with all of the dancing between school and studio I dropped weight quickly. However, the next year when I was a senior and a drill team officer things quickly fell apart. My new drill team director found an interest in me and the relationship quickly became abusive in a variety of ways. One day he instructed me in the finer points of purging if I ate something "bad". Down the rabbit hole I went! I quickly became trapped in a cycle of purging and became depressed. My parents sent me to a counselor and everyone assumed it was a phase. That same year even though I had already lost significant weight and tried out to be on a college drill team and was told to lose an enormous amount of weight which would have left me underweight. They loved my dancing but I was too "fat"!

I started college somewhere else but was left with the damage from months of purging: Bad TMJ and gastroparesis. Because of the gastroparesis I actually continued to lose weight but once it was under control it all came back. I lost my virginity in college when I was raped by my boyfriend. Soon after I started cutting and then my family life/school life/ dance expectations got out of hand. I started alternating between extreme restriction, bingeing/ purging, overexercising and cutting. It quickly took over my life! I could think of nothing else and I started to experience severe physical consequences: edema, fainting, heart irregularities, and dehydration amongst other things. I started having thoughts of suicide and prayed for God to take my life. I quickly got myself to counseling!

A week before I was about to start my internship as a counselor I dropped school and entered treatment. I finally came to believe I indeed did have an eating disorder and was blessed with a wonderful treatment team. I spent from Aug to Dec in treatment and am currently working outpatient. After years of not even wanting to live...I am starting to piece my life back together. My recovery is still shaky but I work everyday to make it sturdier. I am back at school and trying to learn to like myself. I now thank God everyday for not listening to the prayers of a very sick girl. Stay strong everyone and don't be afraid to share your own story!
XOXO,
Kelly



If y'all have questions, comments or would like to speak with Kelly about her story and journey please let me (caitlan) know and I will be the middle man to protect Kelly's privacy until she is okay with contacting you personally!