The Strength of an Eating Disorder

This is going to be a really honest post, I'm going to say that upfront so if you aren't in the mood for honesty that you can choose to skip this post. One of the requests on what I blog about was to just write about me, be honest, share my thoughts and feelings and people will read it. That's what I am doing today, sharing a darker side of recovery that is often just glanced over. I have to write this post because I no longer know who to go to anymore and I need to get it all out in one place other than my therapist's office.

My eating disorder is so strong. It is loud and mean and hateful and full of anger and currently it has me under whip and chain and is beating me to death. It hates going to Renfrew for 12 hours a week, it hates living at home with my parents, it hates when I try to do what I'm suppose to do with my meal plan. It constantly reminds me that I failed at going to school in Austin, that I failed at friendships, that I failed at living on my own and how I have now been forgotten by all my friends that I made because the only reason they were friends with me in the first place was because they felt obligated to take care of me and now that I'm gone they can dust me off their shoulders and move on with their lives. He tells me that Phi Lamb loves my sister more because she isn't sick and falling apart like I was when I was there and in leadership. He reminds me all the time that everyone is out together living life while I sit alone at home. There isn't a point to get involved at UNT or make new friends because I'll only use them for my eating disorder and to get attention. I should stop going to church because I'm just as alone there as I am sitting in my room. I should stop trusting Jesus because I am incapable of accepting His grace and love. Basically, 24 hours a day and 7 days a week I am reminded by my eating disorder how much of a failure at life I am. I've failed my parents, my sister, my friends both old and new and myself AND how I've failed him (the eating disorder).

There are no manuscripts for recovering from an eating disorder but I will tell you right now, it is miserable. They keep telling me it takes time and it's worth it and I'm just in a slump but I don't know anymore. I have so much anger built up in me that I don't know what to do with myself. I'm angry at the people who are going to Austin Stone on campus tonight at UT, I'm angry at UNT for sending me a flyer in the mail telling me I am qualified to get my UNT class ring, I'm angry at my parents for their love and support that I mistake as control and I'm angry at myself for ruining my one shot at life. I'm angry at God for putting me in this dark hell, where I feel more alone than I have EVER felt in my life! I'm angry at Him for giving me peace about moving home and transferring to UNT but to only feel more pain and hurt. I'm angry at all the people who tell me that I can do this and this is possible and that I just need to change my attitude and choose whether I want to live in my eating disorder or live a life of joy.

Unless, you have been in a place where you personally have had to recover from an addiction than I'm sorry but currently I don't want to hear about me having to change my attitude and choose to eat the meal because it is so much more than that. My eating disorder is strong, stronger than I ever realized it was and it is over powering me both mentally, physically AND emotionally. I don't see a life without an eating disorder, I don't. Any light that was starting to shine through is no longer there and honestly, that makes me want to just accept the fact that it is what it is and make do with my eating disorder being in my life. If we're being honest that is what I believe I deserve.

I am angry and tired and alone. I keep running up against this wall that leads to all of this shit (that I just talked about) which then leads me to use my eating disorder even more, which then leads to weight loss and a scared dietitian. Then you start hearing the words, day-treatment and residential being thrown around and you shit your pants a little because you thought you were finished with all of that. But you then hear a voice saying, "oh no, you aren't nearly close to done with this process. I'm still here and strong and no one is going to stop me and make me leave because the only way you can be successful in life and be loved and accepted by others is with me and without food." And I believe him. The sad thing is I then believe that voice because I'm too exhausted of fighting and losing that surrendering sounds so comforting.

So that is where I'm at. In a shit hole basically. Having to drink a freaking supplement every night and having to get my parents to sign my meal plan sheet like a first grader getting their behavior chart signed. This is what I want people to see and read when they are thinking about skipping the meal or purging the food or staying on the treadmill an extra X amount of minutes, I want them to think of this post. The hell that is waiting for you at the end of your sprint, the end of your purge and at the start of your hunger pains in the pit of your stomach. If I had known this was to come back in high school there is no way I would have chosen this route. So I beg of anyone who is on the verge of the slippery slope, back away now and don't turn around to take a second glance at what you're leaving because I promise you that you are running away from hell.

L-O-V-E (aka Valentine's Day)

Hi there precious followers. It is currently Friday afternoon/early evening-ish and I have the house to myself. I so enjoy a quiet house with no one else in it (minus the dog). I can hear the sound of the laundry machine going, my itunes library on shuffle is now playing a David Crowder Christmas song (which I'm not complaining about) and a cup of coffee sitting next to me on the living room floor. 

It has been a rough week. Actually, a rough FEW weeks and today hasn't been any easier. I planned on blogging about what's been going on with recovery and treatment but I'll save that for later this weekend so keep checking back! In result of my challenging past few days I have been crafting out the wazoo. Which is good for me because it keeps me out of trouble and my mind off of my eating disorder for a little while. And it just makes me happy :) Which is what I need more of so I'll take crafty-happy any day! 

My only dilemma is I craft all of these projects and then have no idea what to do with them. So I've been doing a lot of thinking about this but I am going to officially go into business. I've been debating because if it's a bust and no one wants to buy anything than I'll look like a complete crafty wanna be. But I then reasoned with myself and decided that I won't know if I'm gonna end up a wanna be crafter or the go-to-girl-crafter until I give it a try. So I will be purchasing a booth at a Spring Market Fair that is on March 11th and selling my spring and easter things (that aren't made yet but we're not freaking out). My goal is to break even with the cost of the booth ($125.00). If I do that then I'm gonna be in a good place and if I don't then I'll reevaluate and try again. I am going to need to think of a name for my "business", I have a few ideas running through my head but nothing that has "wowed" me yet. If you have ideas then let me know! We love help from other people :) 

One last thing and then I'll let you look at what I've made so far and the pictures which I'm sure is what you are all here for. From today until forever of me being in business (forever meaning 3 months or 3 years) I will be donating a percentage of all purchases to an organization for either eating disorders or depression/self harm etc. For this month I'll be putting 20% of every purchase towards NEDA; considering it's eating disorder awareness month. After February we'll reevaluate and go from there :) 

Spring Bird House: $6.50

"Bee Mine" Frame: $5.50

Heart Frame: $5.00

Valentine Chalkboard: $10.00 (the little hearts on top are mini clips)

Okay, so if you are interested in any of these or if you would like me to make something that you don't see above then let me know! All my contact info is in the "Got Questions" page located at the top of the blog. Also, remember if you are going to need something shipped to you then add shipping to the cost of whatever it is you're getting :) 

Josh Hamilton

I just want to take a quick second to get off my chest what has been festering over the last few days. The Rangers' player, Josh Hamilton had a weak moment one night and was found drinking at a bar. If you aren't aware or would like to read more on it then click the title of this post and it will send you to an article.

What I need to get off my chest is the inaccurate word choice that so many have been using in Josh's situation. Relapse. Let me give you the dictionary definition of relapse…

Relapse: (of someone suffering from a disease) Suffer deterioration after a period of improvement.
- Okay, sorta sounds like Josh Hamilton's night of drinking.

Now, let me give you the definition of relapse from someone in recovery…

Relapse: Falling all the way back to square one. Acting 100% of the time on your symptoms and behaviors. Denying that you are back at rock bottom. Isolating yourself from others to avoid being seen sick again. The only way back to being "sober" is to go back through the entire process of treatment.
- Doesn't sound so much like Josh, huh?

And now let's hear from Josh himself…
"I could hide in shame, and not show up tonight and be withdrawn, but I didn't want to do that," Hamilton told the group while reiterating his Christian faith. "I'm doing what I had to do today. I am fessing up. I am going to be a man about it; I am fessing up. People are going to call me a hypocrite, but I am a sinful man."


Something that is so so so important that I have learned while in treatment is there is a reality in relapse but there is also something called a lapse. A lapse is a mess up, a shitty day, temporary symptom usage but it is followed by admitting the issue and reaching out for help to get back on track. A lapse is having a bad night and binging, purging or restricting OR in Josh's case drinking an alcoholic beverage. After the bad night you then get back on your feet, no matter how wobbly and you process your actions, emotions and feelings of the night before. You then create a plan to have in place when another opportunity presents itself to lapse and you continue RECOVERING! 


Black and white thinking is something that is so common with those who suffer from eating disorders. It's either your 100% sick or your 100% recovered. You go ten days of no purging and then mess up one time and all of a sudden the months of treatment don't matter anymore and you are back at square one waiting for the feeding tube. It doesn't work this way. I've said it before and I'll say it again; recovery is NOT perfect, it is NOT clean and it is NOT an all or nothing thing. There are ups and there are downs. There are tears and anger and yelling and imperfections all along the way. We must realize that as human beings, just like God created us, we are IMPERFECT! We are going to MESS UP! That's the beauty of grace, friends. Some of us will only experience lapse's throughout our recovery process, while some of us will experience relapse but no matter what we serve a God who sees a child pure as snow. 


I hurt for Josh because the media has been waiting like a lion ready to pounce on a…ehh idk deer? It's as if they were waiting for him to mess up so they could start an uproar about his alcohol relapse. I can only pray that Josh continues to stand firm in the Lord, that he realizes that he made a mistake and he is willing to get the help he needs to refuse the next temptation that the devil throws in his face. I pray that those who are scrutinizing him for his actions feel a sting in their heart from conviction and choose to love on Josh and all of those suffering from addictions. We don't wait and watch for someone to fail. Yes, we are there for them if and when they do fall but more importantly we are there to walk side by side each other as we all face our own battles. We are to push each other in the right direction, keep each other afloat and offer the words of encouragement to help us succeed. 


**Don't forget it's February-Share-Your-Story-Month! We had a fabulous lady, Kelly share her's with us a few days ago. If you haven't had the chance to read it then read the post right before this one! And if you want to share a little something something then let me know :) 


love.love.love

Read more here: http://www.kansascity.com/2012/02/03/3409184/rangers-hamilton-confirms-alcohol.html#storylink=cpy

"They loved my dancing but I was too fat"

Hi there friends! One brave girl decided to take the bullet and be our first "guest speaker"! I was super pumped when she emailed me saying she wouldn't mind telling her story! As we all know it is NOT an easy thing to do AT ALL but at the same time it is how we learn that we aren't alone in fighting the evil of this world. I met Kelly (permission to use her first name only) in treatment here in Dallas and what a sweetheart she is! She is an Irish dancer and is basically a rockstar fighting for her dreams without the baggage of an eating disorder. While she fights for recovery everyday she also gains new strength that was always promised by her bulimia but never given to her. Now, recovery and faith in God are getting her to the finish line. 

Hi, my name is Kelly. I am 26 years old and have bulimia. To many people, it is a shameful thing to admit you have an eating disorder but if more people talked about it we might cut them[eating disorders] off before they take over our lives.

I grew up the youngest of 3 with two loving parents. I had a very happy childhood: playing, loving school, dance classes, and I generally had no problems with food. Even though I was happy I was also very anxious (ex. At 4yrs old I would wake up in the middle of the night to check locks in the house so no one hurt my family). I also had weird quirks with my hair, socks, and cracks in the pavement that I now recognize as symptoms of OCD. I grew up looking at my mother as the icon of beauty like many girls do but the problem was that my mother was always extremely underweight. I spent the time when I was not at home/school at my local dance studio where I would gladly dance for hours. However, in late elementary school everything changed and I started to get constantly bullied about my appearance. They would pick on everything from my long red hair to my glasses to my weight (although I actually was a pretty slender child). Though I was slender I was starting to go through puberty in middle school and put on the usual few pounds. At this same time I was began to be sexually abused and emotionally abused by two men in my life (both unrelated to me). I started to hate my newly developing body! I didn't want the breasts that people would comment on or to look sexy in the least....I wanted to continue to be a kid and was not ready for sexual advances. So in response to the above and to some major family turmoil I started binge eating. I quickly gained weight and found myself without many friends. The summer before I turned 16 I was told we were moving to Texas.

I was very happy to move to Texas and I finally found a place where I felt that I fit. I started school and tried out for the drill team and made it. Soon after I had more friends than I knew  what to do with and with all of the dancing between school and studio I dropped weight quickly. However, the next year when I was a senior and a drill team officer things quickly fell apart. My new drill team director found an interest in me and the relationship quickly became abusive in a variety of ways. One day he instructed me in the finer points of purging if I ate something "bad". Down the rabbit hole I went! I quickly became trapped in a cycle of purging and became depressed. My parents sent me to a counselor and everyone assumed it was a phase. That same year even though I had already lost significant weight and tried out to be on a college drill team and was told to lose an enormous amount of weight which would have left me underweight. They loved my dancing but I was too "fat"!

I started college somewhere else but was left with the damage from months of purging: Bad TMJ and gastroparesis. Because of the gastroparesis I actually continued to lose weight but once it was under control it all came back. I lost my virginity in college when I was raped by my boyfriend. Soon after I started cutting and then my family life/school life/ dance expectations got out of hand. I started alternating between extreme restriction, bingeing/ purging, overexercising and cutting. It quickly took over my life! I could think of nothing else and I started to experience severe physical consequences: edema, fainting, heart irregularities, and dehydration amongst other things. I started having thoughts of suicide and prayed for God to take my life. I quickly got myself to counseling!

A week before I was about to start my internship as a counselor I dropped school and entered treatment. I finally came to believe I indeed did have an eating disorder and was blessed with a wonderful treatment team. I spent from Aug to Dec in treatment and am currently working outpatient. After years of not even wanting to live...I am starting to piece my life back together. My recovery is still shaky but I work everyday to make it sturdier. I am back at school and trying to learn to like myself. I now thank God everyday for not listening to the prayers of a very sick girl. Stay strong everyone and don't be afraid to share your own story!
XOXO,
Kelly



If y'all have questions, comments or would like to speak with Kelly about her story and journey please let me (caitlan) know and I will be the middle man to protect Kelly's privacy until she is okay with contacting you personally! 

National Eating Disorder Awareness Month (click me)

Hello lovers! Happy "let's-save-peoples-lives-month"!!! 

 I am super pumped about NEDA month and to be honest I wasn't even totally aware that the ENTIRE month was awareness month until like 45 minutes ago, so this is a very new excitement! 

Don't think I'm letting you off with that last post of mine. Y'all are ALL lame-sauces, I love ya still but a little hurt I must say. 

;) 

But for real, I made that "Got Questions?" post an entire page now! Even though it looks like no one has questions and we all know everything just in case you think of something it's there (top of the blog). 

Onto the next project though: I have decided that because it is Eating Disorder Awareness Month and I technically can't possibly save the world, I can help raise some awareness, clear up some stigma's and allow others the opportunity to share their thoughts and opinions. For the entire month of February I will be allowing others to do the talking on my blog (with a few interludes from myself). I have given those that I have been in treatment with an opportunity to share their story, whatever that story may be. While I know there are many more out there than I realize have a story relating to eating disorders I am opening the floor up to whomever reads this post. 

If you:

- Have personally experienced an ED

- In the process of recovery from an ED

- Have recovered from an ED

- Have been impacted by someone you know with an ED 

I invite you to share what's on your mind. I will post your story on my blog (with or without your identity being shared, your choice). This is a judgment free blog! So if you have been holding back your thoughts then please share them. Shout them from the rooftops. Let's show each other that perfection does not come with diets and numbers. Let's be raw. 

Email me, text me, facebook me or comment on this post (you can choose to post anonymously). 

love.love.love

Caitlan Salerno

caitlan.salerno@gmail.com

214-564-2173

FB (search): Caitlan Salerno 

[This better not be a bust. I'm just gonna say that once.] 

:)