Decorator's White

Good afternoon precious friends. I must say it feels a lot later in the afternoon than 12:00pm. I slept on the floor last night due to my bed being piled with boxes. Allicia and I started painting my room yesterday. We got about oh half of a wall done. But I figure if I can just do a little here and there it will get done with no stress and in perfect timing. Of course I found out at Home Depot yesterday that you can't just go and ask for white paint because they will then ask you which color white. After looking at about a dozen "different" whites I chose Decorator's White, which I soon found out is nothing close to the same color white on the wall I didn't paint pink. Fabulous.

Which color white? I mean come on people, lets make something in this world just a little easy, okay?!

I was greeted by a meltdown last night. I wasn't caught off guard of course because nights are normally my low points of the day. My counselor continues to tell me that nights are rough for a lot of people, not just myself. So for whomever out there experiences rocky nights more often than not you are not alone. That's what I'm going to be intentionally working on, positive nights, self love and strength when the sun goes down. Seeing hope not only during the day when the sun is shining but also at night, when darkness is literally surrounding me in every direction.

Back to my meltdown...between a combination of watching a documentary on The Casey Anthony case, hearing one of my close friends confront me about her recent struggle discovery and probably even feeling a little sorry for myself I found anger building up in my heart and boiling over. Anger towards myself, sin, death, Satan and even God. I'm so grateful that this anger did not put me back on strike but left me questioning why things happen and where is God when someone is desperately seeking for Him. How come we as humans have such a weakness to fall into temptations and sins? Oh my heart just breaks over and over again into tiny pieces for those (including myself) who are continuously fighting an inward battle of some sort, for those who are searching for acceptance and love in unhealthy ways and for those who don't know how to ask for help and feel a sting of lonely in the pit of their stomach that cannot be described in words. My heart was so angry last night at God, so angry. I didn't know what to do with myself. I paced in my room as I felt hot tears spill over my eye lids and onto my cheeks.

Doubting God and questioning Him is not something I enjoy but I believe it is something that will happen throughout my life no matter where my relationship stands with Him. I think that doubt and anger leads to discovery of a faithful man who keeps his promises. Through tears, screaming, heavy breathing and even breath holding God looks at me (us) and smiles, pleased that we are feeling emotions and expressing them. God understands anger I believe. I also believe that He uses anger in our hearts to reveal himself through the events, people and environments that soften our hearts and gently guides us back to the Bible, where truth is stated so clearly. Have you ever thought what is was that softened your heart after it was filled with hatred and anger? For me it's the sunshine and light that streams through my closed blinds. God has kept me through every night that I fall apart and has woken me up every morning to a new day and a lighter heart. Nothing or no one could possibly ease the anger and tension in my heart while I sleep other than God and for that I am grateful because He has restored me with hope and a new day, a new start.