My meal plan has been increased twice in the last week and I am in sheer panic. Actually, panicking might be an understatement because I am GOING CRAZY! I have zero control and as long as I am in treatment anything that I was controlling back home no longer has a possibility of showing up in my life. Mikki, my therapist, says that since I no longer have the control that I'm used to I am now desperately searching for something I can control and so that has resulted in me analyzing myself and my body image. So maybe you can read between the lines and maybe you can't but my thoughts have been so wrapped up around my body image that I am literally crawling out of my skin. I have started gaining some weight and I know my clothes are starting to fit differently and once again, I am panicking. It doesn't matter whether I eat my meals or not because if I don't then I will have to boost for them and that is still the same amount of calories if I were to have eaten the solid food. I am not allowed to exercise and again, I'm panicking! The amount of anxiety I have bottled up inside of me is unreal. I literally feel like a mexican jumping bean. I pace back and forth, I read a few pages of a book and then have to reread them because I can't concentrate, I change my sitting positions every twenty seconds and struggle through any relaxation or mindfulness practices. If any of my treatment team dares to open my lid to find out how I am doing then I go off in a panicked frenzy talking a million miles an hour about who knows what and the only way to shut me up is if they literally raise their voice to get my attention. Did I say I was panicking?
So that is where I am currently. A shit hole really but if I decide to trust the other girls and my team than I should be hitting a high at some point. I want to get on a plane and fly home, get back into school and Phi Lamb. I want to go back to my eating habits and I want to go back to avoiding all of my emotions and feelings and controlling everything because that is WAY more enticing than where I am now. Prayers would be appreciate as I struggle through this rough patch of body changes, meal plan changes and emotions surfacing after years of being stuffed way down deep. If you could pray that I would have a change of heart about what I want and why I am here and that recovery is worth it because now any light that I had seen before has been covered back up. I want to see the light.
