Comparing Struggles

Last week I was finishing up my last hour of an eight our shift at Michaels. It was nearing 5:00pm and my feet were killing me from standing up at the register all day, plus I can't take much more than eight hours of West Plano-the world revolves around me-customers. Not saying they're all like that but we get enough in a day to make me want to punch 'em in the face. Anyway, the next lady in line started placing her merchandise on the counter and she asked me how I was doing (I'm starting to get real good at thinking of different words other than 'fine' and 'good'), and I responded with "Oh, I'm hanging in there". Which was the truth by 4:45 I'm counting down the minutes until I can shut off my register light and get the heck out of dodge! I then asked her how she was doing and she had the nerve to respond with this statement, "Oh I spent all day with dozens of second graders on a field trip so you have nothing to complain about". I was about ready to slap her as well and say don't you dare go comparing our days! And don't you dare say that I have nothing to complain about when A.) I wasn't complaining and B.) who are you to say you had a rougher day than me!

Well, to say the least I didn't respond to her commit because it would have been on the verge of inappropriate I'm sure. I smiled at her, handed her receipt and said enjoy your evening. And away she went, probably not even realizing the anger she stirred up in me. I didn't feel as if I had a rougher day than her, that wasn't the point, the point was that she felt the need to be on the top of rough days, she had to have the worst day, the most draining day and she needed strangers to know it. Uncalled for. I'm sorry but it is and I didn't and don't have any sympathy for her.

Last night I attended my very Re:Generation (aka celebrate recovery) at Watermark. It was fabulous, a Godsend and a blessing all wrapped up in a little package for me. Thanks God. On Sunday after church my sister and I went on a hunt to find out more information on the program and so I could get a few questions answered. Well, about 15 minutes later we were introduced to a lady who had already gone through the program (3 times I later found out) and told me she would go with me on Monday night so I wouldn't have to go alone.

Hello, blessing number 1! So Monday evening rolled around and I managed to bring Aimee along, a girl who was at Renfrew with me. We met up with Jennifer (blessing number 1 lady) at the church and she was explaining to us how the process and group setting worked. She then told us how every single individual that will be in the worship center tonight is struggling with something and those something's range from lying to drug addictions and jail time. She told us of one of her first meetings when people were going around and saying what they struggled with; lying, gossip, reading the Bible daily etc. and the only thing Jennifer could think was, 'oh my gosh! These people don't have problems! They are going to be in for a HUGE shock when I start spewing out my issues!'. Her point to telling us this was no matter the struggle, no matter the size or the addiction those sins were/are laying just as heavily on their hearts as whatever your struggle may be that is laying on your heart.

Are we seeing how the first and second story are tied together now? A hurt is a hurt, whether that means a carpet burn or your arm being cut off. A pain is a pain and a sin is a sin. Why sit there and try to have the "best" sin in the group or the "worst" day out of everyone when in reality it's all the same. We waste our energy in deciding if we're "sick" enough to go to treatment or if we actually have something to "recover" from to go to church recovery groups. We sit and take notes on others testimonies and compare how ours isn't anywhere close to as life changing and dramatic as that girl on the stage. Who is to say that her's is better than your's? Weren't they both planned by the same Creator? Didn't both of y'all end up safe in the arms of Christ? Aren't you both getting help and offering others help? Why compare?

I'm not perfect. I do it all the time. And I've heard numerous girls say statements along the same lines of "I'm not sick enough or thin enough or I don't look like _____ so I can't go into treatment yet". That's all lies from the pit of hell and until you are able to see that and argue those lies with truth you are going to be miserable, I promise you. God calls us to love as He loves. He loves us ALL. He doesn't compare and He doesn't love one story over the other, He just loves.

Let us all just love each other AND ourselves.

To The Mothers,

To the mothers whom are affected by eating disorders,

For the past year I have watched tears spill from your eyes. I have watched your hands shake as you try to hide your emotions spilling out onto your face. I have heard voices quiver while speaking of the guilt and shame that you have burried deep down in your heart. With every ounce of your being I see you so desperately trying to stare the eating disorder straight in the eyes so you can scare it away but instead you just see the eyes of your baby girl, your sweet and innocent baby girl who is in a pain that you cannot take away.

I want to tell you that it is okay. Did you hear that? It is okay. I am giving you permission to fall apart. As a daughter with an eating disorder I am allowing my mother and all mothers to let out that breath you have been holding in. The breath that contains anger, hurt, tears, screams and sobs of confusion and pain. You do not have to be perfect for us. You do not have to blame yourself for our addictions. You do not have to carry the world on your shoulders and you do not have to "fix us". All we ask of you is to just be. That's all, just be. Be our moms, love us and let us love you. Know that you are not to blame for our mistakes, our decisions and the paths that our lives have taken. You are not to blame for our sufferings and you are not to blame for the evils in this world.

Long before we were even a thought in your mind God had a hand on the future of your baby's life. He knew from the beginning of time that our path was going to cross roads with the sins and darkness of this earthly world and He knew that His children and His children's children were going to be tested and tried in ways unimaginable. Yet, at the same time He did not create mothers to have  His healing powers. He created them to love their children as He loves His children, which includes how He loves you. We as your daughters with eating disorders ask for nothing more than love and support from our mothers. We ask you to let God do the fixing, curing and saving and we ask that you just love on us. We ask that you put your finger down by your side and away from your face and we ask that you hear us when we say that there is no one or no place for blame to rest on.

The gift that I give to every mother out there with a baby girl facing a life of recovery, denial or pain from an eating disorder, is to accept the grace that God is so freely handing you. The grace and love that says, this isn't your fault. The grace that says, you have not messed up as a mother and you have not messed up your child. The grace that is asking you to trust the plans of a Man who created them in the first place and to just love your child as He loves you.

We love you. I love you and I wouldn't have made it this far without you. Remember that, always.

Sincerely,
Your baby girl