For all of you who voted on wanting to read more about my life of recovery, here is your first post! What an awesome opportunity I was given to share a little bit of my story in order to raise awareness. The link will send you to my interview, Jenni Schaefer's interview (who is an author of some fabulous ED books that I've blogged on before) and Hayden Winkler. Enjoy :)
Oh, and for some reason if you drink a cosmo while watching it makes all the more better. I have been blessed with some awesome friends to share special moments with, like last night. A lot of laughter and joy filled our house. Thank you Jesus
Friday, April 29, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Sin or God
I am currently sitting at Flightpath Coffee House, at a small wood table outside. I probably now smell of smoke because none of these smokers read the sign that says, "NO smoking within 15 feet of Flightpath!" I also probably smell of sweat, isn't that just so lovely? It's hot outside and for those of you who know me, I don't do heat. But it was my only option and I did not feel like driving somewhere else to only run into the same problem. I figure most coffee shops are going to be pretty packed now that finals are right around the corner.
As I have mentioned before I am currently studying the Book of Romans and am on chapter 6. I've been on chapter 6 for what feels like forever but I'd rather take forever and get that ah-ha moment versus staying just as lost as I was before I started studying it. Satan has been getting into my head today and of course, I didn't realize it was Satan until I sat down with my Bible, asking Jesus to give me peace of mind and clarity as I spend some time with Him. Here is what I was revealed to tonight and let me tell you it's a whole lot better than the lies I was believing from Satan.
Romans 6 is about being baptized into Christ, dying with Him, being buried of our old lives and then rising again to live a new eternal life at the right hand side of God.
Check out Romans 6:3-4 Just as Jesus died to sin and unto sin (side note: I spent at least two days trying to understand what "unto sin" meant and this is what I have come up with; "dying unto sin" refers to Jesus dying to break the power of sin. Which is totally awesome and good news for us because as sinful human beings we have a God who died to break the power of sin that takes hold of our earthly bodies!) we too as Christians have died to sin, we are no longer slaves to sin. Our identity is wholly in Christ, what has happened to Him has also happened to us!
Okay, well if you are anything like I am I read and reread and looked up different translations until I finally threw my hands in the air with a white flag of surrender saying, "What the heck God?! I don't understand how I can no longer be a slave to sin and how "death [can] no longer have power over [me]" (Romans 6:9) when I'm basically a giant walking sin pimple!?" It just didn't make sense to me. Yes, I am baptized and yes I am a believer but the Bible makes it sound so simple, you are buried through baptism into death and then as Christ was raised from the dead we too can live in a newness of life (vs 4). So as you can see this is what I've been spending so much time on. Well, today I was able to make it a little further into 6 and into the study and oh what a glorious day!
"It is clear, then, that the believer cannot deliberately live in sin since he has a new relationship to sin because of his identification with Christ. The believer has died to the old life; he has been raised to enjoy a new life....The body IS NOT sinful; the body is neutral. It can be controlled either by sin or by God. But man's fallen nature, which is not changed at conversion, gives sin a beachhead from which it can attack and then control. Romans 7:18 The Message" -Warren W. Wiersbe from Be Right
Now, I am still in the middle of understanding this part of it all and truly being able to process it but one thing I now know is that even though I am no longer a slave to sin does not mean sin is still not very present in my life and will be until I am able to sit at the right hand of my Father in Heaven. But because of my relationship with Jesus Christ I have a choice to choose sin or to choose God. I have the knowledge that sin is present but so is an all forgiving God who pours out mercy and grace on His children each and every morning. I have a choice to listen to what Satan is whispering in my ears or to listen to what God is showing me through scripture.
Satan has been feeding me lies today. Big bad lies and I was believing them because I was blind to the fact that is was Satan. But I have a choice for either God or sin to control my life and because I am taking life one hour at a time I choose for God to control my life for the rest of the night. I choose God tonight, I choose good, healthy choices and I choose Truth.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
A Beautified Blog
Tomorrow's Easter. The Easter bunny comes tonight...
- I have finally found a blog background and design that I am truly pleased with. It took me late into the night, or really into the wee hours of the morning BUT it was worth it ;)
- That little poll to the right of this post----> is meant for y'all. No one is going to know what you chose. Just do it for me, to satisfy my curious self, please.
- Thank you to those who are now visibly following. It's never to late for those of you who are still avoiding being out in the public. Remember, judgment free zone. Always.
- Spring Pledge Class (almost active members ;) I'm coming to chat with y'all on Tuesday and of course help you pass your test with flying colors!
...tomorrow's also Sunday and Jesus is coming!!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Held
***April 22nd add on to last night's post.
It's 9:30am right now. I'm literally in the middle of my Jesus time but HAD to put this up asap. After posting last night about being lonely and urning (spelling?) for God's embrace He so beautifully appeared in my quite time. "The Light That Never Fails" was the title of my Oswald Chambers devotional today. I'm not going to quote Oswald even though I would like to but he more importantly he referenced 2 Timothy 17-18. But just go on ahead and read starting at verse 9. This section of verses is called Paul's Loneliness. Happy Jesus reading!
I spent the four hours in a lot of prayer and worship. It was nice, really nice and gave me a lot of time to think about my relationship with Jesus. The more I seek Him more the more I realize how distant I still am from Him. Over the last few weeks I've been contemplating where I stand on certain beliefs and trying to understand theology in an unbiased way so I can decide for myself what it is I truly believe and why it is I believe it. I'm in the process of studying the book of Romans and am currently in chapter 6 and am having a tough time with it. It's such an awesome chapter with so much crammed in it that I will take up to several days for maybe two verses to truly digest it. Through Romans I am finally taking the time to understand what justification, sanctification and righteousness all mean and how they apply to my life. They may seem like such common words that are spoken in church and sang in songs but that's just the thing...they are so common that we often just breeze right over them before we can truly understand their importance and meaning. I'm learning a lot to say the least.
Last night I was hit with the realization that the comfort Jesus Christ provides His children with has been unknown to me for so long. Not unknown because He isn't comforting me but unknown because I have been so wrapped up in sin that I have forgotten what it feels like to be held by my loving Father. The lonely feeling that creeps in at night to linger while I toss and turn for hours is one of the worst feelings I believe anyone could feel. It is in those moments that I want to be held. I want to feel safe, loved and comforted. I imagine someone rocking me back and forth, just like a baby gently whispering that everything is going to be okay until I have finally cried myself to sleep in their arms. This comfort I search for in people because I am not feeling it from Jesus. I believe His comfort is there and He is holding me but I have walls surrounding me which causes the loneliness feeling to remain entrapped.
Honestly, I think we all want to be held at some point in time. Everyone wants to be told that it's going to be okay and that things will get better. Who doesn't want to cry in someone's arms until they fall asleep? You feel safe in someone else's arms. I want to feel Jesus's arms wrapped around me, protecting me from Satan's ways and reassuring me that He is going to protect me from anything and everything that will come my way. Hmm I want to be held by my Savior, I want to feel safe in His arms. I long for the day those walls are knocked down and the warmth of loving arms are wrapped around me with a gentle voice saying, "child, let Me hold you and protect you all the days of your life."
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
I am officially 21 years old. Which means I'm legal to buy and consume alcohol. Watch out world, here I come.
I'm kidding. Don't freak out. I have enough baggage so the last thing I need is to go crazy with the alcohol. BUT I did have a fabulous birthday! I am so blessed with such a sweet family to come and visit me for church and breakfast and for friends who will take me out and shower me with love!
The cliche 21 year old picture. Oh and that's Andrew, our waiter.
The Pettibon sisters have truly been such a blessing to me!
This is what happens when you get three generations of chaplains in one room. We had no trouble finding someone to pray before we ate though :)
Don't let this fool you. It was a very tasty drink.
If you go to Chugging Monkey on your birthday you will get a really good tasting free drink. And you will be serenaded with a song that I would rather not discuss on my blog. Lets just say I found it to be a little repulsive ;)
Taryn knows me too well. A coffee cup made out of chocolate filled with espresso whip cream!
Yes, I received boxing gloves from Taryn. I now have a healthy way to release my anger ;)
My big, Kristin!
Sweet sweet friends.
Allicia :)
My fabulous roommate Michelle, who turned 21 three days before me!
Friday, April 15, 2011
As I mentioned earlier I was given the opportunity to be interviewed by Fox News. While we talked about eating habits, exercise routines and school the one thing was left out was how to make it through each day. If I were watching a special on eating disorders that would be the one thing I would want to know. So through emails I was asked the question how I do make it through each day and below was my response to the reporter. I believe this is one of the most key things in any form of recovery.
Enjoy and be blessed.
As cliche as it may sound, the best advice I have been given is to just take it one day at a time. As a believer in Jesus Christ as our true and ultimate Healer we have only been given the strength to make it through one day. We are only promised today so why spend our energy on what may not even happen? I've learned that I have not made it this far on my own. It is impossible, I would not be where I am today if I were using my own strength. I have hope, buried deep down in my heart, even when I am certain that I have lost all hope, it is still there by the grace of God. And then you wake up in the morning and it hits you that you survived the day you thought would be the last and wonder how you did it. You didn't do it with your own strength but with the love of Jesus Christ and with the strength, courage and confidence that He breathes into your lungs, the perfect amount that you need to make it through the day. If you can trust Him and trust that He will not let you down than you are capable of fighting any battle, eating disorder or not for as long as needed until you can say freedom has been found. And what a glorious day that will be!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Lily came to visit Auntie Caitlan for a weekend. I'm obsessed with this dog.
One of my centerpieces I made for Taryn's kitchen shower.
I heard that the best way to decorate a kitchen is with food itself. So I went with lemons :)
The bride to be!
She is so loved!
A fabulous spread.
Recipes galore!
Overall, I would say it was a very successful shower and afternoon. I couldn't be more excited for Taryn as she gets closer and closer to marrying the man of her dreams and her best friend. She is going to be absolutely beautiful and I can't wait to be there to share her special day with her! Love you Taryn Bolin!!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
I have been given the opportunity to be interviewed by Fox Austin this afternoon, to share my story of living with and recovering from an eating disorder. I am so thankful that God has given me victory over being vulnerable of my sinful ways. Although nobody is perfect and we all struggle there is a difference between keeping that to yourself and sharing it to others that you don't even know. I pray that I will glorify God through the interview by giving Him the credit that I am where I am today and that I am still fighting each day. What an awesome opportunity I have been blessed with, to sweetly share a piece of Jesus' love and grace to the city of Austin.
Thank you Jesus.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Part 4: School
And hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
Romans 5:5
Alright friends go on ahead and pat yourselves on the back for making it to this point in my, what seems like, a never ending journey. I am going to make this as short and sweet as possible because personally I am ready to move on to some other topics, not that Jesus isn't fun and entertaining but you get my drift.
In result of figuring out some of my root issues, facing them straight on, leaving my wonderful sisters from Phi Lamb and finding my true self amidst layers of lies I decided to withdraw from school. Yes, I said it. Go ahead and ooohhh and ahhh all you want, it won't bother me. I am confident in my decision and although I get random waves of regret they come and go and life moves on.
So at the start of all these "parts" I mentioned how God has totally flipped my life around. Well, now you know what I mean. If I continue school in the fall I will be a fifth year senior running my victory lap. I don't know what God has in store for me these last weeks of the semester and for the summer. I do know that He wants me to find myself in nothing but Him, which is why He has stripped me clean of EVERYTHING. No Sky Ranch this summer, maybe no summer school, no planning for Phi Lamb and no searching for doctors. God has given me Himself, that is what I need, nothing else. I am off to discover myself in Austin, Texas and wherever God may lead me. I'm not tied down to anything and haven't felt this "free" in a long time.
Funny how God put on my heart obedience for my word of the year. Never before 2011 would I have thought twice about taking a break from school or leaving Phi Lamb. Go on ahead and ask anyone you want, I dismissed those suggestions like nobodies business. I am not worried about school or what is going to happen in the future. I'm not worried about my so-called "life plan" is basically shot to hell and I'm not worried what God is doing with my life. I trust Him. By the grace of God I've made it this far and changes that I can visibly see are being made and that means God is doing a work in my life. Will it be uphill from here? Probably not. I still have my bad days, terrible days and good days. I still have my negative thoughts and frustrations toward everything and everyone in the world but then I wake up in the morning and get another chance. Thank you Jesus.
Okay and side note: I know there are more than 12 of y'all following me so go on ahead and put on your big girl panties on and let me know you are following by becoming a visible follower! I like to know who I am writing to. And I would LOVE to know what you are thinking in response to my posts. So leaving comments would be so appreciated. You can leave them anonymously if you don't want your identity shown but this is a judgement free zone so don't be shy. I don't bite :) Have a great Sunday.
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